I'm not saying that I am the perfect example of positive behavior but geez...every single time I talk to my elderly mother, she's so angry, annoyed and depressed. My Mom and I don't even live on the same side of the country and she can still push my emotions like no one else. I have an up coming trip to visit for the holidays and I already feel like its going to be awful. The first 2-3 days is always nice and calm but then the storm comes. She gets irritated, needy, and annoyed at everything. She will make no suggestions and give lots of negative opinions on anything we do that doesn't interest her. What can I do to make my visit with her better?
Do you have a smartphone? There should be a green circular button with the outline of an old-school, landline phone on it, that lights up when she calls.
Do not press that button for any reason if her name appears on the phone and it vibrates or rings, and your troubles will be over.
Simple solutions for simple problems.
Yes, the elderly get angry, annoyed and depressed. I think some of it is that their idea of time and their idea of now, is different than someone who has lots to do and can compromise on-the-spot. Then there is the part about hearing and comprehension....their hearing might be going (or vision) and they don't really hear what the other person is saying and they just guess (and guess wrong). Regarding vision, they could have cataracts building which makes their brain work harder to see (however, since it is so gradual, they are unaware their vision is stressing them out.) Or, they could be doing this crap because they want the drama....or, they could be tired or they could feel entitled.
I know this might be difficult, however, the best thing to do is not to stay with her when you visit. That way, when she says something that irritates you, you can cut the visit short and leave. That is a very, very visual clue and provides immediate feedback that she is unpleasant to be with. Then come back the next day or half day or.... whatever makes sense. If she asks why you are leaving, tell her the truth. Try to be specific about what annoys you. If she tries to fight with you about it, then just walk away.
If that is not a possibility, you need to come up with topics that you enjoy discussing with her and take over control of the conversation to those topics. In my old age, I've finally learned a little about how to stop a conversation with her. She asks my opinion, I tell her I have none. She starts bullying me and I walk away or repeat that I don't have an opinion. Repeat the scene 4 more times. Then I watch as she gets agitated (my brother would take it a step further and laugh in her face...he made it a game...then she realized that my brother "got her" yet again.)
At one point, I truly thought that my Mom was over critical on everyone and everything, just because she wanted to start a conversation. My brother and sister corrected me on that. Now, even though she is in Memory Care, she will try and create drama where none exists or needs to exist. I've come to realize that my Mom is just a drama queen (and trained my sister to be one also). My Mom accuses me of leading a boring life. I tell her "Yes, and I enjoy my life just the way it is." (if she starts the bullying, then I start to leave).
Now that she is in Memory Care, when it get intolerable, I pick up my things, and return my mother to the care of others. Even though her memory is failing her, she is still able to control and alter certain aspects of her behavior.
My Mom wasn't a happy camper when she got into her 90's, but then she had lost most of her hearing and eyesight. Thus, it was difficult for her to watch her favorite football teams or read a good biography. She could no longer drive, and refused to accept the fact that my Dad no longer wanted to drive. She use to enjoy grocery shopping. Doing housework was tough for her, even if Dad helped. [Mom refused a cleaning service].
My Dad, on the other hand, had a good sense of humor. He took aging with a grain of salt, and could laugh at himself. If he fell in his yard, he would just say he wanted to get a closer look at the grass. Last time he was in the hospital, the nurses had an alarm on his recliner.... Dad would pretend to stand up but not all the way so the alarm buzzer would go off. A nurse or Aide would quickly check on him, and Dad would just smile saying he shouldn't have eaten beans for lunch, sorry if he was too loud :)
So, we just need to step into their shoes for a while to see how life is from their point of view.
If I’ve understood that situation correctly, why don’t you have your mom stay with you in the Airbnb for only the first couple of days while her demeanor is pleasant, and when she gets ugly, cranky and lashes out, offer to bring her back to her own little studio for privacy and calm.
Then you can pick her up occasionally during the remainder of your holiday and take her to lunch, or a park, or a museum or whatever, and bring her back each day to her calm little studio, while you and your kids can have a more boisterous holiday — without her — in your Airbnb over the two weeks.
Why subject yourself and your innocent kids to a full two weeks living in an Airbnb with an angry lashing-out old woman? This is your vacation, and that of your kids. They deserve fun and so do you. It sounds like nothing you do is going to please your mother, so leave her most of each day in her quiet studio, and the rest of you go out and enjoy the local fun. I hope you really do have some fun!
My mother was negative in her final years. I know getting old is awful. She seemed to resent that I wasn't old with health issues like she had. She always said, "Wait till YOU get old!" When I tried to push her to get hearing aids, it was, "It's just part of getting old...wait till YOU find out!" (And then didn't get hearing aids...it was exhausting saying things over and over, and so eventually I talked to her as little as possible.)
Having to hear an elder's negativity as well as going through our own things as we get older is just not right.
They most likely want others to understand how they feel but it is so annoying to hear negative comments over and over.
I hear you about the hearing aids. I begged my mom to get hearing aids. She qualified for one hearing aid. Her other ear wouldn’t benefit from wearing one. She didn’t hear well even she when she was wearing hers. So, I still had to repeat over and over. It was exhausting.
You know from past experiences what will happen if you stay longer.
I would love to tell you that there is always hope that things will be different ‘this’ time. People don’t change overnight!
I am a realist and not a Pollyanna! I don’t see why she would behave any differently than before.
It’s so sad when parents resent that their children moved away. The only thing that they accomplish by doing this is pushing their children even further away from them because the children don’t want to hear the same old sad song.
Both of my daughters lived in different states for a time. I purposely didn’t tell them, ‘I miss you. I wish that you still lived here. When are you coming to visit? Blah, Blah, Blah.’
Instead when they called I said, What fun things have you been doing? Send me pictures of your adventures! I am so glad to hear that you are making new friends,’ and so on.
They were so happy to send photos to my phone, tell me all about the new experiences in their lives, face time with me. It was fun!
Yes, I missed them but I never felt like I lost them.
My grandmother wrote letters to her son, my uncle, when he moved to another state. She felt just like I did. She wanted my uncle to be happy in his new home. My uncle happily wrote back to my grandmother.
My grandma was pleasant all of her life. She remained that way.
My husband’s grandmother was never pleasant a day in her life. Sadly, she died alone. Why? Well, one of the many reasons is that she wrote nasty, mean hate filled letters from her death bed telling us how rotten we all were!
Most people want to make peace before they leave this world. Not her! She was simply too cruel to be around. She drove everyone away. Of course, she couldn’t or wouldn’t see that it was her behavior. She blamed everything on everyone else. So be it.
My husband’s grandfather was a sweetheart. He begged her to see a psychiatrist to talk and get medication. She said that she didn’t need medication.
Sometimes, it’s a hopeless situation. So, go for a couple of days. Then say, ‘ I am so sorry mom. Something has come up and as much as I would like to stay longer, I really can’t. Talk soon. I love you.’ Then exit!
Best wishes to you during this holiday season.
I don't even visit my SON and his family for more than the 3nights 4 days length of time. We do a 'long weekend' pack it with activities and then split on Tuesday morning. Any longer and I simply can't behave myself. The longer trips, we have stayed at a hotel about a mile away from them, which is crazy since they have 3 extra bedrooms. I need a place to go where they are not. And they feel the same way about coming here.
Sounds like you have zero reason for staying beyond 3 days. Do you come home exhausted, angry and depressed? Well--that's your answer. Don't stay so long.
And, no, she will never have a better outlook on life.
she won’t change. some people feel good when they dump their negativity on others. the listener will feel heavier, be in a bad mood. she’ll feel lighter.
the pattern will happen again and again. worse, the older she gets.
and your attitude to her attitude?
try to protect your peace of mind. it’s clear you love her, but protect your peace as well.
hug!!
🙂 they say, it’s all about attitude! 🙂 you just continue your good attitude. you be you. AND protect your peace of mind.
you know best how to protect your peace of mind. 🙂
Some people will never be happy no matter what, and it's not your job to try and make your mother happy, so just try your very best to not get sucked into her negativity, and decide now that you're going to have a nice time no matter what.
AND GET A HOTEL ROOM!
My "uncle George" on the other hand, had one arm since WWII when he lost it, and was THE most positive human on the face of the earth up until he died on 12/4 just shy of his 102nd birthday. He lived in the same ALF as my folks did, had no chronic complaints, no bitter attitude, in spite of failing health, mobility issues, all sorts of things. He was on hospice care the past 5 months and didn't even complain THEN. He walked through life with a smile on his face, even when he was taking care of his sick wife of 75 years.
People in general, including elders in chronic pain, choose their attitude in life. I don't believe depression 'comes with the territory' for 'poor elders' b/c their old and sad, and why wouldn't they be? Some of the happiest people I've known were old and falling apart, and some of the most miserable were in good health and had more than they could ever want or need in life.
Just sayin'.
If the travelling distance makes it hardly worth going for only 3 days, can you turn it into a kind of royal progress and drop in on some other family and friends on your way there or back?
You’re far away but maybe shorten visits from now on? I understand that feeling that one has to go too…it’s kind of a no win but picking the least bad option all around.
It’s so true you can’t make anyone happy. This took me DECADES to figure out. Mom leaned on me to magically bolster her up and that role was so ingrained I only realized that recently.
Are there any escapes you can do for yourself when you do visit this time? Something pleasant just for you.
Good luck!
I think I go because for most of the year, she's all alone and can't travel and I always have this tremendous guilt for moving so far away 15+ years ago. She doesn't say it but I know she was really unhappy about me moving. I just wish things were better when we do visit. Its like she is really excited at the thought of a visit but then seems annoyed to break from her daily isolated routines. Our visits are usually 10+ days because its pretty far, expensive, I have work, kids, etc... and I don't go very often. I call her everyday because she constantly tells me how lonely she is and likes getting that a chance to chat and vent about her day, friends, life etc...I try to listen and keep somewhat positive but it gets hard sometimes.
Why would she change, obviously she is happy or not with who she is.
My mother exactly, hypochondriac, hysterical, narcissistic, miserable.
I wanted to be opposite, which she did not approve as she wanted me to be like her.
My mother lived her entire life with a miserable attitude and there was nothin & nobody gonna change it. She was a half empty glass kinda gal. She had a lot of great things in life, but she just did not see it that way; she saw her life as riddled with what 'could have been but wasn't' and what she 'should have had but didn't', which left her blaming everyone on earth for her troubles, when her finger should have been pointed INWARD.
You can't fix your mother so work on fixing what you CAN, instead. Which is the length of your visit.
Best of luck.