I've just left the NH and it's like walking into a room with bullets flying at you, 9 visits out of 10 lately! Regular visitors to this forum will remember that my mother has moderate vascular dementia. She refuses all medications (even thyroid and blood pressure) going on about 3 months or longer now and is becoming meaner every day. I still have a daytime sitter with her transitioning to part-time, eventually going to no one but staff. The social worker and other staff have met with me and expressed concern over the sitters saying they can do more with her when the sitter is not there. Of course I'm a little suspicious but they did say that it's my choice and they'll work with me whether she has a sitter or not. They've said my mother is more agitated with them under her all day and they escalate her moods by arguing with her and engaging with her too much. I have heard them myself trying to defend themselves when she accuses them of awful things. She hates the sitters and says they are mean. Says I'm mean too. Also when I go the sitters are on their phones a lot, doing a lot of sleeping (of course they're bored I'm sure) and less getting her out of room etc. and it's costing an extra $40,000 a year to have them there and only in the daytime! They just don't seem to be able to do anything much with her anymore, not even good conversation. I have to make sure my mother's money doesn't run out because my husband and I cannot afford to pay for her care. When the sitters do take her out of the room she creates such a scene, yelling for the police, grabbing at people, tearing down pictures off the wall. Then one sitter in particular gives me all the details of what my mother says about me even though I've told her I don't want to hear it. (I'm sure she needs to vent too.) It's so stressful for me when I try to visit because she is telling she wants me to die before her, often praying this aloud for all to hear. This week she told me she's hoping I'll drop dead before her. I've been seeing a therapist and she's told me to limit my visits...twice a week for about 5 minutes but it's getting to the point I can't even visit her. Maybe once a month we have a decent visit when she's not yelling horrible things at me. I'm a little concerned about leaving my mother without someone right there with her but she seems to be doing about the same with the sitter only there some now. I really can't tell much difference because the staff is not complaining, they just reassure me they'll take care of her. I know it won't be the level of care she'd get in some places but it's the best I can do for her without moving her out of town and she's only 5 minutes from me. I can pop in anytime, but I'm wondering if I need to just stop going to her room at least for a while. I know her behavior is doing stuff to me that I'll probably reap later. I'm an only child and the only family to check on her. I'm so depressed about this situation and so ready for the journey to end for her because she is the most miserable human being I know. Thank you all for reading.
In the elderly, a UTI often presents with behavior problems.
Otherwise, you may need to have her transported to the ER and evaluated by the behavioral unit.
Sorry, do not know her history.
It is okay.
You are okay.
I like the idea of checking in on her without seeing her.
History;
I busted my ass for her last year getting her back into her home. She does not live close to me - across state lines. After helping her get set up downstairs, in her own home , she still found it ok to tell lies about me, call the police on me, and report me to her CC companies.
I'm her only child/family. I'm married and run business in my own lie and household. My husband and I own rental property and do just fine I am my husbands 'quasi' caregiver, as he has chronic back pain, neoropathy, a little copd, and is a fall risk. Last year before my mom had her 'event', my husband fell and broke 6 ribs, with a pnumothorax. Six weeks after that, my mom fell and broke her hip, along with having a serious peptic ulcer, Afib, Pnuemonia - she was a mess. I took 7 600 mile round trips to help her get back into her home. AFter three weeks of 24/7 care with PT she was able to rally and walk with a walker. I helper with her tax returns, I payd her bills (with her $$ through onlline banking which she told me to do) Anyway, after she saw the bill for 24 hour in-home care thats when the fur started flying. My husband became pissed at her becasue of the way she was treating me. Her friends abandoned her because of her behavior toward me and the lies she would tell about their friends. Something amiss eh?
But yet I cannot get her any kind of evaluation because she still appears sharp as a tack. She 'Showtime's' really well.
My husband and I decided to go no contact, stay away. I would call every few weeks to see if she was still alive. I did one well fare check on her last September.
She was fine. I did visit her very briefly in October, and found that she was a complete shut-in. Mind you, she lives a large 2 story home. I figured I would just wait until the next event.
Well that even came a few weeks ago. No broken bones, but apparently excruciating pain in her back. She couldn't move. She had hired a caregiver part time with her (a few hours a week) .My mom happened to answer the phone when I called to check up - she never answers the phone, and her hearing is really really bad. She handed the phone to the caregiver. I learned that urgent mobile care was due to arrive in a few hours to help her. Well, when they arrived, they carted her off to the hospital. Her main issue (besides the pain was Afib and slight pnuemonia) . Now she's in LTC. The doc in the hospital declined to give her a compentancy evaluation - even when the case manager and nurse said they really think she needs one. But my mom put on her show-timing show along with crying, and doc coward.
I'm not talking to my mom at all. I do try to keep in touch with the nurses. At his time, I'm just waiting to find out what her behavior is like, and if her mobility is improving. This time around, I won't lift a finger to help her get home. She still thinks I'm going to rob her blind or something. I have no need for her $$. She has to come to terms that she really cannot live by herself anymore, let alone in a large 2 story home. She refuses to move. She refuses to move into AL - she wants to stay at home. Well fine, but she's going to have to pay through the nose for that arrangement - and she refuses to pay for round the clock care.
I refuse to visit her and put my signature on any of HER paperwork at LTC or where ever she ends up - I can't afford and won't be responsible for her. She earned that. She's earning her loneliness.
God I feel for you. Being the only child and only one to help, and they refuse us even then. It's beyond me.
Keep us updated!
I think that some people are triggers and once the trigger is not there the behavior modifies.
Not saying she will all of a sudden be nice, that doesn't sound like her, ever. She may calm down and not be so noncompliant without an audience to intimidate.
No one wants to go to a facility. That doesn't give her the right to devour you. When she starts, you leave, even if that means a u-turn on walking in. She may never stop being hateful but you can stop taking it, you matter in this situation just as much as she does.
I would lose the sitters, who sound as though they are agitating her.
Talking to the staff to ensure that they know there are eyes on her care should be sufficient.
It is okay to not be her scratching post.
Let the sitters go, arguing with a demented patient, sleeping, playing on their phones! No! They are not serving the purpose they are hired for, so save the money and your nerves and fire them.
Why are you concerned about leaving your mother without someone right there with her? Has the nursing home been cited for deficiencies in caring for the residents? Have you heard of or seen other residents being abused or neglected? Why would you place your Mom in a nursing home that you don't trust?
Having a parent in a nursing home is similar to having a child in a daycare. You will always wonder how your parent (or child) is being taken care when you are not there. But isn't that the reason your parent is in the nursing home, so that other people can take care her.
Take a deep breath and relax. You are letting your Mom get to you emotionally and you need to step back and let the nursing staff do their job. {{{HUGS}}}
She is taking you to your knees, that needs to stop and only you can do this.
Sending support your way!
The nurses have told u Mom is better without the aides. You say they don't do anything. So let them go. In my opinion, they serve no purpose.
Enough is enough. She's being taken care of and that's what counts. Subjecting yourself to such behavior serves no useful purpose for either one of you.
Best of luck