My 92 yo father with with end stage Alzheimer's is still hanging on. He is barely conscious, and not eating more than a bit of ice cream daily. His hospice nurse came today and admitted she was very shocked he is still with us. Thankfully he is peaceful most of the time.
He and my Mom live in apartment near me. I am the only one of 5 kids nearby so I am naturally the one that does most of the caregiving. But in these last few weeks all of my sibs and inlaws have come to visit and take on a lot of care. An aide comes 3x a week, and hospice 2x per week. I read all these forum entries about difficult, dysfunctional families and parents and thank my lucky stars I don't have that added burden! We are a drama-free, loving supportive bunch.
He has seen all his children and many grandchildren this week. I have told him how much everyone loves him, and what a wonderful life he has had. I assured him we would all take care of Mom. I told him we would all understand if he wanted to let go and leave. He has "seen" his brother and parents lately, and I told him he was free to go to them.
But he is still hanging on.
We all just wish he could just finally pass and be at peace.
Thank you for sharing the beautiful story of your husband's passing. His two regrets were so romantic! He must have been quite the man, and you must have had quite the marriage for him to die with just two regrets from his life.
I hope you can finally fill your empty shell with something worthwhile and come to peace. You made his last days filled with love and comfort and that is such an achievement. Bless you.
People tend to believe that people are not "letting go". Dying isn't that easy. It isn't up to our conscious mind.
I am so glad to hear there is such a loving group. Don't be surprised to feel both a gut punch when he is gone AS WELL AS relief that he won't have to suffer anymore, and you won't have to stand helplessly watching it.
I hope peace will come for you all soon. I am so sorry for your grief, and thankful for your support/
Finally, as my children got ready to go back to their homes, we told mom we were going to go to the dining room for lunch together. Just before we sat down, Dad decided to go check on her. She was gone, we had not been out of the room 5 minutes. She was waiting for us to leave her alone! Mm was leaving on her own terms, and we had been messing those up by staying beside her.
Good luck with your part of this journey with your father. May you both find peace.
She had told us the week before that the train was arriving on Wednesday and sure enough, she passed on Wednesday.
Our hospice nurse suggested that there was "unfinished business" when my mil lingered much longer than expected. She had stated often she wanted us to go to WDW after she passed, so that day I bought tickets online for WDW. I told her I'd just bought our tickets, she nodded (she had not communicated with us for two weeks except for one day when she verbally relived her entire life), and forty-five minutes after that nod, she passed.
So, if your dad is still lingering, is it possible that there is unfinished business of some sort?
As an RN, I have cared for terminal patients. Some will wait until all the family is gathered to pass. Some prefer the privacy and wait until all are out of the room. Some need to know that "life tasks" are completed or taken care of. I had a Catholic patient that needed last rites before passing, and she was in a coma. All this to say, he will pass when he is ready and God says "Come home."
The last 2 days he was asking if there was anything he should be doing. Mom usually said "no, just go to sleep". After reading posts about unfinished business I started answering with saying the bills were all paid, the paperwork was all put away, the checkbook was balanced, his e-mail correspondence was caught up, the lawn was mowed and the Yankees won. He noticeably relaxed and could doze off for a couple hours.
When he finally passed there were 10 of us surrounding his bed, all gently laying a hand on him. We took turns telling Dad our last good byes, thanking him for being such a good father, assuring him we would take care of Mom. He passed in a room bursting with love and respect for him.
In hindsight we can never know why he hung in so long. Maybe it is simply because he was incredibly healthy. He was old, but had no heart disease, kidney trouble, high blood pressure or cholesterol, diabetes or anything. This time last year he was golfing and driving! Alzheimer's does not take a life in a kindly manner.
Thanks to all of you who offered your personal stories and advice. It was very helpful to know people who had been through it were kind enough to help me go through it as well.
I am so sorry for the loss of your father but, I must say what an inspiring message of what I consider to be a triumphant moment. I mean no disrespect when I say I smiled when during his last two days he was asking if there was anything he should be doing. I love that you told him all of the things that were taken care of! Death is never easy but, what a wonderful way for him to leave with all of you in the next room being together as a family, each one spending private time alone at his bedside and then finally all 10 of you surrounding his bed laying a gentle hand on him. He knew and felt all your love and respect - it doesn't get any better than that. And though it is a very sad time for all of you, I'm so glad it was filled with such beautiful moments for him as well as the rest of your family. You will always have those precious memories to reflect on. I know you will be supporting and loving one another as you all begin the grieving process. You are extremely fortunate to having a great family!
God bless you and your family -
See All Answers