We found out thru extended family that my brother in law who has estranged he and his wife from my father in law the past 3 yrs is because his elder attorney in Syracuse, NY told him to do so, to avoid him having to be financially responsible for his dad. Is this a NY thing? His dad has been living with us the past 5 yrs due to not being able to live independently any longer. We tried to get his dad up to visit with him for a vacation for us and for the holidays but his son came up with continued denials and excuses as to why they didn’t want him there. Then after about the 1st yr his son cut all contact, no birthday cards, Xmas gifts, letters or even phone calls…..is this really something an elder attorney would tell someone to do. It seems immoral. I would have never done this to my parents. My father in law has never done anything to his son. He is a very quiet man, that never lashes out. Any insight if this is a legal thing?
This may be an excuse. It may not be. But there is no way you can ever know.
The real point here is that this family wishes NO CONTACT.
And there is honestly nothing that can be done about that.
For that reason alone this isn't really relevant at all.
This son isn't financially responsible for his father whether he has contact or does NOT have contact, so the question is fairly irrelevant. If someone is thinking of filial law, that isn't ever used any more whether it's on the "books" in a state or not. Children are not responsible for parents.
"We found out thru extended family..."
You know grapevines are notoriously inaccurate forms of communication. Like playing "Telephone"... take the info with a grain of salt.
Even if turns out to be ''a legal thing"... so what? It doesn't change anything, really. You still must accept the no contact. You cannot assume someone into caregiving or helping.
Also, what about the financial status of the son? He may not want to sink money into his father's care because it may be an endless pit of responsibility. Right or wrong? Who knows, but children don't have to spend their own money on aging parents.
Actions speak louder. Your BIL does not want to participate in caring for his father , which is why he didn’t allow you to drop him off at his house .
No one legally has to support their parents. Parents do not have to legally support their own childen past the age of 18 years if they choose not to.
More likely the lawyer told your BIL to cut ties so he wouldn't get responsibility for his father's care and needs forced on him.
"What is the filial support law in Indiana?
shall contribute to the support of the individual's parents if either parent is financially unable to furnish the parent's own necessary food, clothing, shelter, and medical attention"
These laws were placed on the books before Medicare and Medicaid came into existance. They are very rarely used. We now have resources that can help in the above situation. So not seeing his Dad because he may have to pay for his care is IMO not so and rediculous. I will bet though when his parent dies, he will be right there with his hand out.
I have 2 brothers who made more Money than my DH. I was it when it came to Moms care. Medicaid never asked me for my financials or my brothers. Everything was based on Moms.
The only thing that may make a child responsible is if that child had been physically caring for a parent who could not do for themselves or had Dementia and they walked away. That could be seen as abandonment.
I might attempt to send the brother in law and the grandchildren photos and a light note showing Grandpa in an activity that would show his vibrance.
I would send the note on Grandpa's birthday or wedding anniversary. Light and breezy -- Grandpa is enjoying a warm spring day. He is able to use his cell phone if you'd like to send a text to xxx-xxx-xxxx and here's mine. Just thinking of you and wishing you well.
Sometimes we need to think out of the box when it comes to overcoming estrangements -- if met with nastiness then discontinue, get some counseling as to how to go forward with this sad cliff of estrangement.
I do doubt an attorney would recommend that a son cut off all contact from a parent because a child is not financially responsible for their parent - unless, of course, there is some type of legal agreement in place.
What I was advised by the elder attorney I have used regarding things with my 94yo mother (I am the only child and only family member), was to make sure that when I signed ANY paperwork for my mother (i.e., admissions to hospitals, nursing homes, etc) in a situation where she was unable to sign for herself, that I sign my name followed by 'as designated legal POA for (name of parent)". That way, whatever bills did show up, I would not be responsible (if I just signed my name) but my parent/estate would be.
Frankly, this is between the father and son, and is really not anyone else's business, unless either father or son are asking others in the family to choose sides.
When I was contacted about my brother, who died and had nothing, yet he had some debt. His estate (car) had to be sold to pay what was owed (funeral). What was not paid did not get paid and his daughters were not responsible for the debt. When my friends mother died - had nothing not even a car or a dime - she (the daughter - next of kin) had to pay for the cremation of her mother if not she would have had been sued by the state of California to pay for that cremation.
What is it that you actually want - to do?
I am not following who you are in this scenario nor what you want to 'do' -
If seems like you would need to speak to the 'brother in law' (?) to ask him what he feels, why he is doing what he is doing.
It sounds like you feel hurt and want support - for yourself and for your father in law because he is - in your eyes - being mistreated. We cannot change anyone's relationships or reactions although it might help you to talk to this person, to share how you feel. And, ultimately, if we are not directly involved / have legal authority, etc., we need to let it go.
I don't know where the father in law is - with you?
Do you contact him? talk to him? This may be all you can do - have a good relationship with him, and the son does what he decides to do.
Gena / Touch Matters