Short recap: My mother was determined to stay at her house and would become nasty if we even mentioned anything like AL. She also has moderate dementia. She recently fell, broke her shoulder/humerus, went to ER and it was determined to let it heal in place. She is now in Rehab hospital and based on current discharge date will have spent 14 days there. We are going to use this opportunity to move her AL with memory care and have already found a nice place. She keeps asking repeatedly in the rehab hospital about when she is going home and we haven't told her she will be going to AL since she will get mad and upset then forget and we would have to go thru this for 5 more days.
My question for the forum: Because I do think she will be so mad and upset on the day of the move, I was thinking of asking the Rehab hospital case manager if they could give her a Valium or something similar the day of the move.
My mother is not on any antidepressants or drugs of that type and my thinking was maybe this would calm her down a bit.
I also feel guilty about even asking the question. Would appreciate any advice.
In the end, I just was honest with my mom. She needed more care than I could provide. She was not happy but adjusted in a couple of weeks, as much as she was going to adjust. She was never happy but we all do the best we can with what we are facing.
Sounds like others who have responded have the same concerns. Many of us know exactly what you are going through. We wish you the best during this transition.
Ask her MD.
I wouldn't worry about a fear of a fall. This is a small dose for 1 short amount of time.
Her dr needs to OK this. I am pretty sure s/he would do that.
I had a bottle of some type anxiety med. Can’t remember which now. I would give DH aunt 1/2 of one when we had to go on an appointment that gave her anxiety. Do have a wheelchair handy in case it makes her weak. I sometimes took the other half if I was dreading it.
At one point I had to take somethlng to handle being with her because Mom’s pill wasn’t working for her, which meant I was going to be lashed out at .
Then as time goes by you just keep saying that the doctor says you have to stay where there are nurses all the time. If that doesn’t work , you say the same thing but add to it that she can’t go home.
If she ends up needing something for anxiety , agitation while in AL , let them handle getting a doctors order .
Now, on the real issue here.
Your mother is making a major life change. Whether or not she has dementia she needs to be informed. She needs to be told she cannot move back home. This should be done by you with the social worker there to help and to make this really "set in stone " for your mom, so she cannot think she can change it or manipulate it.
You seem to be grasping for a way to make this OK. To block the reality of the grief and anger that will be present. That doesn't work and will make her adjustment more unhappy and more difficult.
It is time to tell the truth and to sit with her as she mourns another huge loss. This is worth grieving together over.
And I hope she is going to AL and not a solely memory support facility. Based on my years of observation and training: It is typically emotionally and psychologically painful and frightening for people with higher memory and cognition to be mixed in solely with other people with dementia, particularly people who are really far into it.
Second: everyone's bodies react differently to those drugs: it may not give you the result you expect.
Third: are you her MPoA? If not, you may not even be legally able to do this.
Many caregivers on this forum give CBD gummies to their LOs. I personally have no experience with this, but it would be an option that you could try, and start giving them to her (if she eats them) a week or 2 before the move so you can see how it affects her, if at all.
You can also try telling her a therapeutic fib: that her doctor won't discharge her to go back to her home until she completes the rest of her "PT" at the new AL facility. Or, whatever story you think will pacify and motivate her.
Nothing wrong with asking for something that will make this easier on her.
Best of luck, this move will be hard, so prepare yourself for the tears and upset, then whatever your mom does. Hugs!!
I've decided not to do anything regarding move day since I would never forgive myself if she fell that day after we left.