My mother lives with me. She has been ill for over 15 years. Within the last month she dropped a starling amount of weight (possible medication/vaccination issue). She struggles to even drink without vomiting. I bring up the hospital every chance I get but she refuses to go. We are extremely close and I want to give her dignity and respect her wishes. However, I don't want anyone accusing me of not taking proper care of her. She is a very strong willed woman and she still has all of her faculties.
She sleeps on the floor (and has for years), only showers occasionally (and has for years) and likes being alone (except for me, but sometimes not even that). On the surface it could look strange but we've lived this way for years. The only hiccup is this drastic weight loss. Who is to say what the right thing is to do? If she goes to the hospital she could die (they nearly killed her once before), or she can stay home and try to get better herself and be comfortable.
If something happens while she's home, though, could I be blamed for neglect? I'm fulfilling her wishes the way I see it. Is this wrong?
He sat in the same chair looking out a window for 20 years. He was content doing that, just waiting for God and ordering a lot from catalogs during the last years. He didn't want to eat much, but he did like sweet things like ice cream treats and little cakes. Even though he seemed content, it was torture for me to see him sitting there slowly dying. And I worried that it could be considered neglect, even though I tried.
I do believe that anyone knowing how hard it can be to get some elders to take care of themselves will know it is not neglect. If your mother does the same as my father, she will stay on the same path until she ends up in the hospital. You will know when to call 911 to come get her, even though she will try to tell you she doesn't want to go. My father spent his last four days in the hospital. There is no way we could have handled him at home, so I'm glad I called 911.
Is your mom under a doctor's care? I hope so. Is hospice appropriate? Is she eligible for in-home nurse or doctor visits? Personally, although I understand your desire to honor her wishes? I would not even ENTERTAIN the possibility that I aeared neglectful. After all, it is only your little self voicing those wishes.
Get the medical community involved -- even if it's just to ask their counsel on what to do in light of mom's resistance.
Where will she be, if she outlives you?
On the other hand, let's say she dies, and you call 911. They find an emaciated body with vomit, lying on the floor for a bed. I guarantee you the homicide crew shows up, takes pictures and finds it all very suspicious. The body goes to the coroner who will find malnutrition and dehydration. You are booked for criminally negligent homicide or maybe just manslaughter.
Now go make that call.
The vomiting is troubling along with the weight loss. Even if she's near the end of her life, it's good for you to have some understanding of what is going on with her. And it's good to protect yourself. I don't know if I'd go as far as Pam in saying you'd be booked, but someone outside of the two of you needs to understand what's going on and that it's not neglectful on your part.
If your mom is of sound mind and you approach it from the standpoint of needing her to go to the doctor to protect you, would she consider that?
If you can't get her to the ER, take her to a PCP, internist, GI doctor, even if you have to be a bit dishonest and not tell her where you're going until you're there.
Alternately, there may be some doctors that perform home visits; there is one group here in the SE Michigan area, and I'm thinking that this service may exist elsewhere.
Since you're inquiring about the possibility of neglect, I think you're concerned, but need some encouragement to get help even if your mother doesn't want it.
If you have to, call EMS with a report of weakness and repeated vomiting. I'm guessing she's probably dehydrated too. That way they can at least assess her and take her to the ER.
Actually, I think that's the best way because they're used to dealing with a variety of people and will know how to assure her that she needs to get help.
The fact that you called 911 will reflect on your concern, but be prepared to explain to the doctors that your mother hasn't been willing to get treatment and you've called EMS against her will.
Good luck; I hope you learn that the weight loss and vomiting are correctable.
? From a doctor?
In your shoes, I would call 11 and let them evaluate and talk to her if she refuses transport, ask for a hospice organization to evaluate her.