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My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.


She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.


I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.


I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".

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((((Belle)))) - a difficult question in some ways, and not in others, Having a narcissistic mother, with Borderline Personality Disorder, who will be 100 in May and is very healthy, I have some sympathy for you. In my case, I wonder how long my mother will go on, with her misery-spreading ways, as she is physically healthy. In the case of your mother, obviously she has many physical health issues as well as the narcissism. Mother had severe pain a few years ago which has cleared up, and she was suicidal then, and wanted to go. One could only hope for the end of the pain somehow - other than suicide. Honestly, Belle, I don't think it is wrong to wish to be rid of the burden - for your mum to be rid of the pain, and discomfort of her conditions, for you to be rid of the fallout. My question then is "Does allowing ourselves that hope/wish affect our interactions with our mums.?" At various times over the years, I have looked forward to the time in my life when I would not have the problem of mother's mental illness to deal with, in the same way I looked forward to moving out of my parent's house when I was young, I know it is not the "norm", and I see people here who grieve the loss of their mothers when they die. I have already grieved the loss of the mother I needed, and never had. I think as long as we still do the job as their daughters there is no problem looking forward to the time when that burden will be lifted - even hoping for it. I think many here, for one reason ro another, have felt that way, if they dare to admit it. The idea of mother being :fine" boggles my mind. She bever has been for more than minutes at a time. ((((Hugs))))). Like many here, you have a tough row to hoe.
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Reply to golden23
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Don't feel guilty. Your are human and thoughts are only thoughts. Accepting that your mom won't ever change, that she has a mental illness along with her physical illnesses, and that you can do nothing to make things different is excellent. Try to get support from friends and learn to detach from your mother's "button pushing" behavior. Some counseling may be in order, not because you wish she'd just "go and let everyone have some peace," but because she's got to have done a great deal of emotional damage to you and others. My heart goes out to you. Thanks for checking in and please feel free to vent on this site. You'll find that you aren't alone.
Take care of yourself,
Carol
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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
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Belle, your feeling are your feelings and nothing can change that, it's just a fact. However, it sounds to an outsider like me, that what you are saying is that you're mad at your mother. You're mad that she has brought this whole thing on herself. You're mad that she's not doing anything about it, now that she HAS brought this whole thing on herself. And you're just plain mad at the whole ridiculous thing in the first place. If that's the case, I get it. I also understand the double edge sword idea too. I understand how you can wish someone would die, but at the same time feel bad that you think that in the first place, it's a terrible place to be. But unless a person is planning to actually put a pillow over someone's face, I don't see anything wrong with thinking that they just wish it was 'over' whenever/however that may be. But until it IS finally 'over', for your own sanity you'd probably better check the anger at the door, cause she's brought this on herself, and she's the one suffering until death.
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Reply to NancyH
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Oh, I'm VERY angry at her. I wonder if I'm going to end up like her--with every health problem known to man because of HER second hand cigarette smoke. She's not the only one suffering, though; she brings misery to others with her miserable disposition and constant whining.
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Reply to BelleFleur
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My mother begs me all day every day to die. Last night I tucked her into bed and said "I love you" and she said "No you don't, you wouldn't let me live like this." I am sooooo tired of hearing people tell me I should call "Hospice" when Hospice is useless unless your loved one has been documented to have a "life-ending illness within 3-6 months". Dementia is "the disease that keeps on giving" for YEARS. I pray every day my mother has a heart attack or a massive stroke. My mother's condition is treated with "eat, smile, oh how nice your hair looks, let's do your nails" when in reality a normal person would not watch their family PET live like this for more than a few hours before rushing it to the vet. WHY does our medical nation not address this misery???
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Reply to Ohiodaughter
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gaiagirlm Sep 2018
OMG...I have thought this so many times!! How willing we are to put our beloved pets out of their misery and stop their suffering, yet we don't consider that as being a humane option for people! Meanwhile the astronomical costs of all this care, and the undue suffering the patient and family must go under, is ridiculous! never mind the sucky quality of life the patient must go thru. All my father does is sleep, eat, poop, and pee. He can't read, one of his favorite past-times, due to macular degeneration. He can't work in his beloved lily gardens because he can't ambulate. So he sleeps all day, or lays staring at the ceiling, mumbling how this isn't working, and "what am i going to do?" . He's miserable, and when he's not doing one of the 4 activities above he's busy trying to make me miserable by picking arguments, gaslighting, reacting, being passive aggressive and defiant, and whatever else his crazy brain can come up with. It's horrible! I used to be so opposed to placing the elderly in homes and "shuttering away the aged" but i totally get it now, and am in the process of placing my Dad in a care facility a this time. And each day I pray that he will let go, or his body will let go, and the suffering will cease, for all of us. Certainly I pray that this will not drag out for several more yrs!!! Yes, it is time to start thinking about how we can deal with our beloved people to stop their suffering, much as we do with our beloved pets.
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Belle
I cant believe how much we have in common. I have a narcissistic mother who has also destroyed herself physically and the lives of our family. And I'm stuck alone taking care of her. Like you I'm angry as hell, and have struggled with how to take care of someone with alzheimer's, lung cancer, nerve damage when I CANT STAND them. It's uncomfortable all the time for me. I have to strike this delicate balance between making sure her needs are met but also maintaining a distance so she cant suck me into her narcissistic swamp. Keep in touch- I haven't run into someone with a situation so similar to mine!
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gaiagirlm Sep 2018
I'm there with you. That balance is so hard. I have feelings of absolutely detesting my father and just want to stay as far out of his energy field as possible. That in and of itself is draining and exhausting.

There has to be a better way!
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Just to be clear---for those of you, like myself, have the most wonderful, kind, loving, caring, gentle, proud mother in the world------my mother is an angel and i still pray she passes waway ever night......to end her torment.
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Reply to Ohiodaughter
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OK...this is beyond weird. It totally sounds like me and my mother in law. She is exactly the same way. She just wants to sit in her room and pop pills while the rest of us cater to her. I absolutely refuse to cater to her. JHer favorite line is " oh, Ive been better". Doctors and her family have told her she needs to MOVE. It will help her neuropathy. She refuses. She also takes no responsibility for her actions and its always someone elses fault that she feels the way she does. Oh and my mother in law also tells lies about me to others. And I am her caregiver. So hun I know exactly how you feel. Make sure you make time for yourself or you will become bitter too. I hope with all my heart things get better for you..
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Reply to speak1104
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KaciNC Feb 18, 2024
I guess her son (your husband) is working while you're caring for his mother. I'd find any dog-gone job I could to get out of the house and let hubby figure out what to do with mom, or he can stay home with her. Sorry, I'm having a crabby day, lol.
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Speak1104- DITTO! Mine is a pill popper too. She's driven all of the family away, is now laying in the bed she made and hates it.
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Reply to Quagmire
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I'm in a similar situation with my Mom. She lives with me and my son who is autistic. I work a demanding job FT....thank God or I would go out of my mind. But back to Mom. She was never social (no friends), always narcissistic and depressed..yet very controlling. This has been her whole life. Now that she is older (87) she is even worse. She constantly wants to die negative about everything. She has parkinson's and has alot of trouble walking, and has dementia. But otherwise is in good health. She refused to go out because she needs to go in a wheelchair. This is not a barrier for me and I try to tell her lots of wheelchair bound seniors go everywhere and I can take her out....we can go on trips, shopping, cruises, etc. She refuses but complains she's lonely and can't stand being in the house. Yet she refuses adult day care, vistors to the house and leaving the house. Getting her to the doctor for checkups is a real problem...she doesn't want to go. I feel if she wants to die this should be her choice. But I think she says this for sympathy and has no real desire to pass on. She is not in pain, she just has trouble walking. She refuses physical therapy (told the PT to leave and not come back). Exercise would improve her condition but she refuses to move. I treat her like a queen. Whatever she wants I buy. I cook great meals for her, make sure she is clean and well dressed. I added on to my home so she has a private bathroom and bedroom off the dining room and near the family room which she spends most of her time in. If I go out to dinner with a friend (rarely happens) she acts up. Vacations are out of the question. I feel like I'm trapped. On top of all this my son is now being treated for depression. He can't stand to be around her because she is so negative, depressing and overbearing. This bothers me more than anything else. It's just not fair to him.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2019
Wow! My life is so similar to yours.
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Next time she goes to hospital, contact social services while she is there. They can give you information and make referrals for Assisted Living or a nursing home. That way you can resume being her daughter and keeping a healthy (for you) distance. You will not longer need to be her caregiver. You need to reclaim the life she has damaged so severely with her mental illness. Love yourself enough to let go.
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Reply to fordellcastle
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WOW, there are so many similarities with Mothers in this string of posts. I totally sympathize with your mother's Mental condition. My Mom is now suffering from Dementia/Alzheimers. The problem is that she and I have had a vol ital relationship from the time I was young. And now I am widowed, with my last child graduating from HS this year and lives here with us as well. I am the pickee. Anything that is not right is my fault. She has a problem with jealousy with Dad. Anytime I help my Dad, she gets angry and goes on a tear and has fits about everything else that is wrong with me, and around the house. I have COPD myself and am somewhat limited in what I can do). When she starts, I leave the room for a bit,and return when things have cooled a bit, if she starts again, I leave again. But you have a situation that I think requires a skilled nursing facility. YOU should not feel guilty. YOU are in a very tough situation, I totally understand where you are coming from
don't feel guilty for wishing her death, it is a relief when a person passes after along debilitating illness. Many hugs to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
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Reply to nolansk
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Belle, I can hear your anger and frustration and even want to scream for you. I have no idea how you are able to deal with a mom that has a physical problem due to being too lazy to get off her butt or due to her mental illness. Maybe you can get some rest now that she is in the hospital for a little while. Don't feel guilty feeling the way you do for I have no idea what you are going through but I think you have runners up on that golden coffee mug. Vent as you must hear for we are all ears for you. I hope you do get some peace and rest.
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Reply to lildeb
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With COPD, she is not able to 'get out of bed and exercise'!
Before discharge from the hospital, see if she can be placed in a rehab facility to receive PT. Or barring that, ask for an eval from the hospital PT dept about what 'exercises' and daily living activities can be reasonably expected from a person with all her limitations (though she may refuse to follow the recommendations--which is her choice & something you should not fret about).
She has a truly miserable quality of life.
With all she has going on, just let her be if she can't or won't make an effort.
Her prognosis doesn't seem to offer long term survival at this stage of her life.
Try to let her negative attitude & unpleasant behavior roll off your back.
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Reply to Aleeta
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You are burned out...YOU get some help...or put your Mom in a nursing facility. I am sending you 1000 hugs and praying for your emotional strength. I have been where you are.
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Reply to ayagba1
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Is there any reason you have not placed her in a NH? While she is in the hospital, you have a perfect opportunity to tell the doctor you are not able to take care of her full time any longer. With all of her health problems, she would certainly qualify for NH care. Discuss this option with the hospital social worker and attending doctor.

You don't need this stress to continue and you deserve to have a decent life.
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Reply to anonymous95109
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Wishing someone to die is a very normal and common feeling among caregivers, so do not feel guilty. We want peace for a patient that is suffering and we also would like peace for ourselves.
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Reply to Kitty
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No, I don't believe it is wrong. It is a feeling and you are not acting on it. You are doing your best, under terrible circumstances...(You will know how terrible they are in direct correlation to how much distance the rest of your family puts between you and the reality of your life...) It doesn't goon forever, it only feels like it, unless, like some truly unfortunate people; the cared-for, sees the care-giver buried..and it does happen! Get any help you can, ask for it, beg for it, demand it! For both of you.
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Reply to Jsomebody
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Some may not understand or like my post but I speak honestly and from my heart. I found this site by looking for help and answers and I found so much more from the people who posts honestly and caringly. So, please don't feel guilty about death. There is life and there shall be death. Death happens when the creator himself decides but he honors the desires of our hearts. He is compassionate and caring and concerned, too. When my grandfather was in the hospital the last time after being ill for a number of years and my family not helping him to live a longer healthier life. He died because of numerous head traumas from having seizures and when I got him a wheel chair, b/c he hit a wall while trying to become familiar with the chair, my grandmother forbidded him to use it inside or outside. After seeing the family side with her and continue to let him out the house unattended and part of stubborness too, he fell and ended up hospitalized to the end. At my last visit, I know longer saw my grandfather, its something about looking a person in their eyes b/c it shows their soul and he was no longer the same. I prayed that night that God would have compassion and mercy on his soul. That he had finished his course here and that I believed that he loved him enough to not let him suffer anymore. I interceded on my grandfather's behalf b/c he could not and asked that God would take him home. I told the family to see him b/c he wasn't going to be around much longer. He went home within days. My grandfather was ready and he told me. Don't feel guily because as sure as life is, there is death - but its our perception about it. With much respect I write to you with peace and understanding.
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Reply to Prophet
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Personnally I think if someone we love is suffering and is NOT going to get well it is appropriate to pray for their death. However my believes are The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. I cared for my Grandparents and also my Father(whom I loved dearly) toward the end of their lifes I prayed for peace for them. My Mother has been lonely since my Father died... she wants to go to heaven which really hurts me. She is pretty well and just gives me the feeling she has no value without my Dad. Caregiving is a struggle at times and I know it is not easy... Try to remember to take care of yourself and find a support group!
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Reply to Jaye
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Don't wait for the next hospital visit. do it NOW while she is in the hospital this time. Call social services and tell them you can no longer care for her in your home. You can use the fact that she had the fall and you no longer feel this is a safe environment for her. They will find a place for her even if she has to go on Medicaid to get into a place. As the other gal said you can then go and viist her and be able to leave if she lights up a cigarette. it is not selfish to take care of your own health, sanity and needs as well as your Mother. Get her living somewhere else so you can take the breaks you need to stay healthy. She may be totally different to another caretaker than she is to you, her daughter. She knows she can abuse you and get away with it. This might actually be a win situation for you both. she will get 24/7 care from someone other than you and you will also be able to take care of yourself again and not resent the fact that she is intruding on your life.
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Reply to SCHLUEDE
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Having dealt with my father's mental and physical decline and watching it take a significant toll on my mom as his primary caregiver, I empathize with the question. I heard my dad cry out to God to take him on a daily basis - I am not God but I joined in his prayers with my own and then for prayers for strength to deal with everything going on. I think that 'hope for someone to die' enters in when the person is living an undignified and painful life (we put animals down when they get to this stage) and when one's strength to cope w/ care giving is thread bare. Is it wrong to hope for peace and ultimate healing for the ailing parent? No. Modern medicine has done some wondrous things, but more and more I'm inclined to believe that what it has done in the prolonging of lives lived without dignity. when nature would have ended them, is not what God planned.
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Reply to kkuhn
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I totally understand what you are saying. I too had a mother that weighed on my back so heavily that for many years I thought I should just walk away and be done. Yet I was there. I tried to live my life based on my own values and morals. Now that she is gone I am faced with my own problems and my own happiness also. I have found a great spiritual program in mindfulness meditation and a teacher. My mom was not the entire problem. I have my own demons and am now able to focus on them and when I have my successes and not so it's all me. Stay true to yourself and do you best.
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Reply to Newandknew
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We are taught as children..when a loved one dies the tears are for us not them. That they have gone to a better place, and are free from pain and suffering. As adults we have an aversion to death. Why wouldn't we want their pain (and ours) to be over. I remember my sister moving in with me one tme, just until she got her an apartment.....oh I prayed and prayed every night that she got that apartment:) you see that was the end point of her living with me, we didn't get along well at all, so we both suffered. When we care for a loved one, most of the time, death is that end point. Caring for my loved one has been very hard on tthe family. Its apparent she now has dementia. Its going to be a long long road. I have lots of small children in the home and its not been easy on any of us. I have already grieved her, she wasn't the same person I knew and loved almost 2 years ago when she moved in. I found this site also, because I typed into the search engine...am I bad for wanting my eldelry to die? I was so desparate...and so overwhelmingly guilted by my thoughts that night, I was crying and searching the internet to see if something was mentaly wrong with me. I found this site. And an article about this same subject. Ten things cargivers secretley think or something ...I instantley felt a weight lifted. I saw it was o.k. and normal. She wants to pass on...her suffering to end, and so do I.
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Reply to allshesgot2
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Belle.I have a very difficult uncle who although not quite as fragile as your mom is a nasty son of a gun and very paranoid to boot.I have had the same thoughts occasionally and have wondered what life will be like when he is gone.Like your mom,he also accuses me of not caring for him.He hardly cleans himself and is incontinent.It is very physically and mentally draining to be a caregiver to a elderly person,especially if that person has a mental illness besides.My good wishes and prayers go out to you and I hope you can find some respite care.
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Reply to franny51
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Not to be disrepectful but many of us are asking for real answers on how to help our loved ones who are truly suffering more than we will ever kinow. We have already LOST our loved one in every sense of the word...we have accepted they are "gone" ---simply their bodies remain alive. All the "help" or "respite care" in the world does not change the fact that we cannot be advocates for the people we love most when they can no longer advocate for themselves. Somewhere along the line these issues need to be addressed...we are simply building more and more facilities---not unlike prisons. And they all have waiting lists! Not unlike prisons...
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Reply to Ohiodaughter
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I'm not going to shed any more light then these fine answers have already...Just wanted to let you know that I too, have wished my Mom would pass...Some days it is for her, (as she's leading a life she hates and is mostly miserable) and honestly, some days it's for me, when I am feeling overwhelmed, physically drained, or just want my old life back. I certainly felt better when a friend told me she felt the same way about her Mom. You are not alone.
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Reply to Noonie
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My mother was wonderful--it's my dad who's the narcissistic person. He was always very focused on himself, but this tendency has been accentuated in his old age. My poor mom died of lupus almost 12 years ago. My dad smoked for 25 years, including when I was an infant. I had horrible upper respiratory problems, and was hospitalized for pneumonia when I was 4. My doctors asked my dad to stop, or at least to refrain from smoking around me. He refused. However, HIS doctor told him a few years later that he was developing emphysema. He quick cold turkey the next day. (He hasn't smoked since, but I continue to live with a lot of respiratory issues.) Even now, he says he wants to see more of my 7-yr-old daughter and me, but when we visit, he complains we picked a "bad time." (He's retired with no hobbies.) My daughter loves playing board games with him, but he throws a tantrum if she wants to play something other than bingo. If she says she wants to read a book, he complains she's not playing with him. HE sounds like the child. I have offered to help clear his house of a lot of old newspapers by taking them to the bin at my daughter's school. He told me he's saving them to support his local church. (My child is his only grandchild, and her school could use the support, too.) When I invite my dad to an event at my daughter's school, I get a litany of complaints about how he has to adjust his feeding times and "rush around all day" to get there. (The events are usually in the evening.) The kicker was in December, when I had a furnace inspection at my house. When I told my dad the inspector said everything was fine, my dad proceeded to call the company and get someone back to my house "because my family and I could die." My dad was certain something had to be wrong, even though this was a routine inspection. How can I trust he won't go behind my back and do something so interfering again? I feel like I am 15 years old. (My dad even said that "you kids (my husband and I) don't know what we're doing." This incident actually frightened me because I worry what he will do next.
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Reply to michsoph1
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Dear Mich: Sounds like your dad does NOT need to be invited to your daughter's school affairs. Why not spend more time away from him. Visit less often and don't tell him about what's going on at your house. If you don't tell him about what you and your husband (you crazy kids) are doing, then he won't be able to interfere.

I'm sure you would love to have that closeness with your dad, but it doesn't seem to give you the result you or your daughter are looking for. I'm sorry, Mich, I really am, but you can't change him. Love, Cattails
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Reply to anonymous95109
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We are human and trying to be the best daughters we can be for our aging parents, my mon is 85 hpb,diabetes,arthritis,overwieght, and is never feeling good. When I come in from work I try to sit with her and the constant list of ailments began, my mother has never been happy since I can remember.Alot of times I just want to leave and never come back home. I often feel guilty too..wonder what my life will be like when she is gone, especially when some of my friends still miss their mothers who have passed on years ago. You are defintely not alone on this , take care.
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