My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I think you are referring to wishing death on a mean person, someone you don't like. That's pointless. To hope that a loved one is freed from suffering--a totally different dynamic.
She can be cruel to us, is in a bad mood if we interfere with her own personal shangri-la in her head...meaning...she's fine with music, us being her personal handmaid and butler but if we need to even so much as move her and pull blankets back we get a meanie.
I wish, always for the Lord to just take Mom home. She does not know me or anyone else and she only asks for the people who are all gone to be with the Lord. Shes 86 and I honestly think there is a huge part of her that is afraid to die. She has always been afraid of her shadow and has been the damsel in distress and helpless person always. Very narcissistic and attached to my life as one for her to plan and dictate. I guess she has succeeded in a sense, but I also disengage and don't let her use her guilt tricks on me. I am ok with doing a great job some days a good job others. We deserve our lives as well.
You're not just hoping out of nowhere and nothing that they will die, you're hoping for relief from the current overwhelming, painful problems, you're hoping to live a peaceful life, you're hoping to see an end to their pain and undignified end-of-life process -- and you think the only way that can happen is if someone dies.
It's a big difference to me. I've felt that feeling - wanting my father to pass, even while I did everything I could to keep him alive and well. I realize now I didn't wish so much that he would die, just that he wasn't a source of so much stress and hurt in my own life.
We don't aways consider that they might not want to be in the position they find themselves at this point. Think about what you would want your end to look like. My mom's gift to me with being her caregiver is that I can really define to my son what I want for the end of my life. Because I don't want him to feel guilty, I won't accept guilt for myself. If you've stepped up (to take care of your family member), you've done good. Love yourself for your effort. It is hard to take on the care of another person in any circumstance. Be kind to yourself. You've probably done what no one else in your family could do. I know that's how it was with me.
He is near the end, but feels he can no longer fight, and chooses to go out with dignity. I find his choice to be a God given right, and if that is his choice, then so be it.
The more difficult thing is the well being of his children, but they all have talked about it, and think it's the right thing to do in this case. What courage it takes, to make these decisions, but it's all about Dignity, and that of your family. So No, it's not wrong to wish someone would die. It's life, as dificult as that is.
Nobody enters into these sorts of thoughts without seriously thinking it would be for the best of all who remain. We aren't talking murder or suicide here, it's about the right to die, and to end suffering!
Even though my dad was grumpy. And everything fell on me for the most part. I still did not want my dad to die. It was getting tough. And I was burned out. But I still didn't want my dad to die. The reality of his passing is still very hard for me to process. I still wished I could have taken a step back and realized he was dying. He spent a better part of year dying and I was only getting more frustrated. I wished I had done it differently.
As awful as it sounds, we, the family all agreed it would be kindest to her emotionally if she passed in her sleep, instead of suffering through a slow age and health decline. It didn't happen, unfortunately, and she faded away drugged with morphine in a nursing home after falling and breaking bones. Some people who suffer want to pass, but she fought it every step of the way. We prayed that because of the medication, at the end, she was at peace and did not realize what was happening. Its been a year now, we miss her, but we know she is in a better place.
It's not easy to see someone suffer unnecessarily whether they are joyful, loving human beings or miserable grumps that feed on negativity. It's truly awful to watch someone's body be kept alive well past it's prime.
@ Dontask4handout, this thread isn't in the spirit of "My elderly loved one is old and a lot of trouble, let's get rid of him/her"... It's coming from a place of compassion.
"Just leaving the situation..." isn't care giving at all. A truly ill person (especially with cognition decline) CAN'T figure out how to be cared for which is why they need CARE GIVERS -- most likely they are in danger if left on their own.
Since, it's so wrong...
Picture this: A person brings a 11-year-old dog to a veterinary clinic that can't see or hear well (and is extremely anxious as a result). The dog is starting to have accidents in the house because of it's advanced age and has been constantly whining in pain. After an examination, the vet discovers that the dog has a condition that MAY be partially cured with an expensive surgery, but the animal would have to be on medication for the rest of its life.
You LOVE this animal. You've been with it all of it's life, but the surgery would be a financial burden. You really don't have the resources to care for it if you opt for the surgery. You need to work (probably extra to pay for the surgery), and how will you make sure the dog is properly cared for -- medications, companionship, etc.? So, after careful and painful consideration, you decide that the most HUMANE thing to do at this point would be to put the dog down. You take your time to say goodbye and are at the dog's bedside as it peacefully takes its last breath...
Now, take out the dog and replace with a parent, or a spouse, or a relative, or a friend. WELCOME TO THE PLIGHT OF A CARE GIVER!!! The only thing is, it's against the law to "put down" a human, so we caregivers are left to bear the emotional, physical, and financial turmoil until the end!!
IT'S NOT WRONG, and it gets me riled up when folks who DON'T UNDERSTAND the magnitude of a care giver's sacrifice to judge a completely human emotion and contemplation.
HUGS TO ALL CARE GIVERS!!!!