My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I left her alone today and went out to enjoy some time eating and visiting. Social contact always helps me to feel better. I was never meant to whither away in a fort.
The IL/AL you have found sounds lovely, and you say it is affordable too! Change is always scary, but I know that is exactly what I have planned for my own future. My opinion is that most people wait too long to make the change, it is so much better to make the transition when you are young enough and well enough to participate in the process and still independent enough continue to participate in what you enjoy from your former life.
There are stages of COPD. Is she in the last stages yet? Is she on constant oxygen? Death may come faster than you think.
Maybe the hospital will suggest you put your mom in an aging care facility.
I feel bad each time I clean her room I mentally rearrange the furniture for when she is gone. Now how awful is that???!!! I mean for crying out loud. What kind of daughter does that?
Mom has taken over my dining room because she can't do the stairs. I have a breakfast area but I miss my dining room. Just saying that sounds awful! I mean when mom took care of her mom they put on an addition with my uncles money. She also had two other sisters to help. It's just me with my husband and daughter. Well, there I said it all. Thanks for listening. I've erased this several times but I'm not going to this time.
I creep quietly to his doorway, so as not to wake him up, and when I find him sleeping, I look to his chest to see if it is still rising and falling. It's a creepy feeling knowing that one day we will find he has passed away. I thought it had happened one time, as his teeth were askew in his mouth and he is so terribly pale, but then he stirred and that was that, he's still in the land of the living.
Last night before sleeping, we gave him Guiafinasin to help with the thick secretions, and he has nightmares in the night, it was awful, so another restless night for all of us, and we now know not to do that again, or at least we think that was the cause of it! We may try daytime dosing.
I do know that as the time goes on, and his body shuts down, that he could get visual and auditory hallucinations, and if they are anything like last night, I hope that never happens again!
Waiting for death is such a strange place to be in. It never crossed my mind that we would ever be doing this.
He lived with us for many years before placing him in AL, which only lasted 9 weeks total before he became very ill, hospitalized and the Advanced Lung Cancer was found, now back with us on Hospice Care.
I always thought that his death would be a more natural thing, and that we would just find him gone one morning, but I never dwelled on it. Now I'm dwelling on it all the time, knowing that it is imminent, or more probable within weeks. It's a very weird place to be.
So Yes, I am hoping for it, to put us all out of misery. And I feel like crap about it!
erin - anticipatory grieving which is normal. It helps us prepare for what is to come. It is so hard watching them reduced to a shell of their former selves.
My mother has several things that would have been lethal to people 100 years ago. She has very high blood pressure, insulin-dependent diabetes, and severe spinal stenosis with arthritis along the length of her spine. She walks bent almost in two, even with her walker. The diseases and pain are helped by daily medication. But sometimes I wonder if we're just keeping the body going when no one is at home anymore.
Another thing with my mother is she clings desperately to life even though she is in misery. I don't understand the will to keep going when life becomes so difficult. She monitors her vitals and wants to go to the doctor immediately if something is off. That tendency is getting less now, so I'm wondering if she finally letting go. I wish that it didn't have to be this hard. I wish we could go back to the day when serious stroke or heart attack would take someone and not leave a remnant of the person who used to occupy the body.
I highly recommend Hospice to help with the medical evaluation, advice and to give you much--needed support. I admire and am very grateful for their wisdom and support. Their visiting nurses took care of the day-to-day physical evaluations and they had quick access to the medical staff when needed. I did not have to struggle with trying to evaluate current medical needs and trying to get access to doctors, prescriptions, etc. The Hospice staff had immediate access to physicians and arrived with any medications prescribed. They were there (literally) when my father died six weeks after my mother did. They knew I was grieving, dealing with my siblings and with all the details involved with being the person with the legal standing, and having a sense of relief at the same time and helped me deal with it all.
I know you will handle what needs to be done and look back with comfort that you did what was needed with love and devotion, and that your emotions (whatever they were and are ) are justified, normal and not to be regretted.
I don't know the current situation with Medicare payment for Hospice services, but whatever it costs, get it.
Do I wish her dead? Let's put it this way, I wish she could have her mind back. I wish that she didn't need a walker AND a caregiver to walk from the chair to the bathroom. I wish she could sleep all night and be awake all day. I wish she knew who I was.
She has no quality of life. And, without quality, what good is quantity?
I wish her a new beginning in Heaven.
It seems a good answer but I feel wicked.