My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I'm very aware that she will pitch a fit, but if you are feeling that your home is not your home, and your health is being negatively affected, would setting some boundaries give you any sense of control?
She will be coming home from the hospital after a lung-related condition, so it might be a natural time to "change the rules". I also wonder if she has oxygen in her room....another valid reason to limit her smoking to outside areas. Perhaps setting limits like that might also lessen the amount she smokes, simply because it will be an inconvenience.
When she argues, you can be a 'broken record', not fighting back, just restating the new rules and telling her that ciggies in the house will be confiscated and destroyed, or whatever consequence works for you.
I apologize if you have tried these things...there's nothing worse than a stranger attempting to offer solutions to problems that you have been living with for years. On the other hand, sometimes fresh eyes can see things that we are too close to see. As caregivers, I think we lose our sense of ourselves after a while and forget that we have a right to fresh air, a peaceful living environment, time to ourselves.
take care, bandit
Reading these posts on this blog have made me realize that all caregivers (give their lifes up when they assume the responsibilities for their loved one) We worry and feel guilty because we are not wonder woman..!!!! we want our loved one to be well cared for and loved, no one can do it better then we. WRONG, why is it not ok to have help as a care giver... you do not have to give up your life.. god bless you and your loved one is very fortunate to have you.... ps have good self talk, it really works...
My first suggestion to you would be to start your own thread. You can scroll up to the blue header: "Caregiver Forum" and click on it for the drop down menu. Click on "Ask A Question" You can ask a question and then add in more background information like you did in your profile. You will get more responses this way as your question will be posted for all to see. Please do that. You will find many friends here and lots of support.
I'm going to suggest that you call your local mental health department and the department of social services. They may be one in the same. I will talk more with you once you post your question, but you need some help. You are doing more than many will do for a parent. You are a good person and you deserve to have a meaningful life. It is possible. I'll check back on you. Don't give up, you've just opened the door to a whole new world and we will be there for you.
Hugs, Cattails
Now, I don't feel so guilty about the thoughts I have. I just need some help.. I am an only child and sooo wish I had a sibling now..Mom just broke her wrist and it's my 10 year olds summer vacation, I can't do anything with him right now and don't know if mom can even live alone anymore..I need respite care...something....
I care for my Mom too but all my children are grown... Call your local Area Agency on Aging and see if they can help OR call a local home care agency to see if they offer respite care. Many nursing homes and even assisted living facilities will offer short term respite. Either a two week stay (medicare will pay for) or day time respite like adult day care!!! take care and God bless...
What can we do to avoid being dragged down? One thing I encourage are 'little victories'. These are not wins over the person you are caring for - they are actually just little wins over life. Getting five minutes to enjoy a cup of coffee in the garden; making time to listen to a piece of music you love - little victories are not about massive achievements, just small ones. Most people take such things for granted but we must elevate them in our minds so that they are much more significant - because they are.
None of this will change the person though. Nothing is very likely to change the person. The personality and life-engagement that they have had for so many years is not going to be very influenced by us whatever we do. At the end of the day, they are still responsible for their own situation and - more importantly - how they respond to that.
We often cannot change the world around us very much - but we can change how we respond and react to it. Most people never 'get' that. Many people will see dark clouds on a sunny day; they will hear moans in the birdsong; You are not really able to change it - you just want to escape from the world that they create. And little victories (seeing the blue sky despite the storms) is just one way that might help.
As negative as others are, you must constantly be positive. A hard call indeed, I know. And don't blame yourself when you fail as you will. Just remind yourself that at other times you will succeed. Because you will.
Some have been battered and abused, but you give that no consideration. You just go on with your insanity, judging everyone. If you want to continue to do what you are doing for your mom, that's fine. Why don't you just leave AC and spend the rest of your life being the sick person that you are and not submit anyone else to your ridiculous comments. You do not bring one ounce of humanity to this site.
My guess is that you have a whole bunch of crap in your little closet. You can't live beyond your narrow confines and you resent it. So you strike out at everyone else who shares their heart. None of us are perfect, but we tell the truth and we try our best.
Thank you for posting on my wall and flipping me off. You are truly a role model.
Cattails
She has finally been approved for VA Aid and Attendance.
My question is if I move her into my home in Florida and hire home care will she loose the VA Aid and Attendance.
Also what steps will I need to take to do this.
This point was brought home a couple weeks ago to me. One of my dogs had a cancerous tumor. I cried on the way home from the vet. I felt bad that I cried over the dog, but I don't cry about my father, with his dementia, his prostate cancer they can do nothing about (he is in no pain).....
So, you are not bad for wishing the parent to pass on....as long as you want them to pass on to end their suffering, and not because you are angry at them.