Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

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Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

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Lassie, since I was a kid I've enjoyed reading obits in the paper. I used to be fascinated to read about people who lived to a very advanced old age, noting the number and generations of descendants. I would be excited to find someone like a 98 year old lady, mother of 8, grandmother of 42, ggm of 24, gggm of 6.
I still read obits. But now my own mother lingers at nearly 95 with advanced Alzheimer's. So now when I note the age of someone recently deceased, I think "Oh God, he lived to be 98"!

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Reply to magdalena

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MY mother has survived a heart attack, a hysterectomy, cancer, removal of thyroid, and several broken bones. Who knows what else. She is in a nursing home with LBD and is doing GREAT. She takes masses of pills keeping her alive way past her due date. She is going to outlive me and my brothers, I know it. (I refuse to get into the medical system. I don't want to live on into my 90's, there is no one to take care of me, or care.) Mom is in excellent health and could live another 10 years, they tell me. Good luck, mom.

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When I was working back in the 70's and 80's with some older ladies, each of them were dealing with their elderly parents. There were at least four in my building alone, and they took the old folks in as they used to do back then, hiring a neighbor or someone to stop in during the day to look after them. And every time the old folks passed away, I would offer my sympathies, and every single one of them told me, "oh, thank you, but the death was a blessing. We did what we could, but the death was a real blessing." No one collapsed with grief that momma or dada was gone, believe you me. It was a blessing from god.

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If I ever get a really terminal illness, I wish to go with dignity and I hope the angels will take me and soon. I won't suffer anymore, and I will be at peace

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Reply to cak2135

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MarcoPolo, I'm so glad that I could help. I'm also glad that you discussed this with the social worker at the nursing home. You've made huge progress.

Yes, you will feel sad that this is how things are, but what you were subjected to before was far worse and you still felt sad. We can't change what is happening. We can only respond. We can be compassionate and caring and still take care of ourselves. Additionally, you show a lot of insight when you say that your mom was likely subjected to the same treatment. Knowing that makes it easier to forgive her abuse. I'm so thrilled that you are doing well. Your note made my day.
Keep taking care of yourself,
Carol

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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF

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Carol,
Thank you so much for your supportive reply and insight. I took everything you said to heart. Coincidentally, I spoke to Mum's social worker at the nursing home and she echoed your points -- that I need to draw healthy boundaries to stay sane and that she fully supported that. See Mum when I can. Don't worry otherwise. Mum has to adjust and so do I.

Today I went to visit Mum and she was horrid. She pulled out all of the usual, familiar behaviours, accusing me of "throwing her away", and telling me that my kids will treat me the same way when I am older. Oddly, this time I didn't feel guilt, but I did feel sad. She even used the Chinese word for "filial piety", which is a horrible, abusive practice perpetrated on the younger generation in China since time immemorial. I know Mum was subjected to it as well, so I understand it's a value that is intrinsic to her identity.

I left Mum brooding to herself and told her I'd bring her grandkids to see her in a couple of days. I didn't feel badly walking away. A month ago I would've been a terrible wreck. I know Mum is safe and cared for.

Thank you again for your support and caring.

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Reply to MarcoPolo

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If they are really sick and nothing can be done for them then I guess it would be OK to hope that the angels take them and soon. That way, they do not suffer anymore and will be at peace

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Reply to cak2135

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A friend's father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years ago. When he passed about 9 months later all I could think was how lucky she and her family were. My mom was diagnosed almost 7 years ago. At that time the doctor said it would take her life in about 2 years. Wrong. She has lived with me and my now 16-year old daughter for 6+ years now while going through a long, slow, bizarre mental deterioration. She is physically healthy and completely oblivious to her mental decline. I am knocking myself out to take care of her and my daughter and work and keep my house from falling down around us and make my time and $ and energy stretch just a little farther. I'm freaking tired and yes sometimes I wish mom would die quietly in her sleep, just painlessly blink out. The mom I always knew and who raised me with such dedication and care has been gone for a long time. Now she looks familiar but her personality has been completely displaced by the strange, disorganized repetitive behaviors of the illness. We've had the same conversations over and over, day after day for weeks, months, and years on end. It's like that movie "Groundhog Day". Feb. 3rd will only come the day after she is gone. I love my mom and don't wish her any harm, but in almost every way I, have already mourned her loss. It will be a relief when my Feb. 3rd arrives.

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Reply to lynnsy6681

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MarcoPolo, This is heartbreaking but as you can from the comments on this article you aren't alone.

After a decade of caring for your mom, you've found a way for her to be safe and cared for and she's still making your life miserable. Even people who once had an even temperament can become nasty after dementia eats up the brain, but in some cases the nastiness was always there. You've had enough.

If she calls you more than once a day - and you know that she's okay - it's fine to not be "available" for each successive call. You don't have to be held hostage to her temperament even though she does have dementia. Please take care of yourself - guilt free.
Carol

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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF

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So many comments here resonate with me so powerfully. My mom is a nearly 80 year old dementia patient with a nasty, nasty streak when she feels wronged. Putting her in a nursing home has really brought that out in her. She hates it there and every day she calls me to say horrible things:

"I should kill myself. With a son like you, what else can I do."
"How dare you do this to me. You deserve a bad life."
"When you're old your kids will put you in a place like this too, you'll see. And you'll deserve it."
"Get me out of here NOW. You're a horrible son."

This after caring for her for nearly a decade. I do understand that some of it is her dementia talking, but there's always been a nasty, mercurial side to her. She can be so mean, and shrill, and she feels justified. She can never be wrong.

I still do love my mom, and I want her to be safe and cared for, but I can't do it anymore, and with her progressing dementia and laundry list of physical ailments I wonder if it wouldn't just be better for both her and I that she quietly, painlessly passes away in her sleep.

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Reply to MarcoPolo

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We put our animal friends out of their misery when they suffer so why can't the same be done with humans? This country is so corrupt it's not funny. Having to pay for medical insurance when it's on the house in Canada? I think I ought to hightail it to Canada never to be seen in the US of A ever again

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Reply to cak2135

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I think it is a bit unfair to say that the person lies in bed on their a** all day. My mother has COPD and is now on oxygen 24/7 and has to use a wheelchair because the slightest movement leave her gasping for breath.

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This is a very old thread but I'm glad to see it become active again. This ain't fun stuff but it's important to talk about it. I'm really touched by the stories told by Amy Grace and others. It is so hard to watch it go on and on with little or no quality of life. I'm still trying to come up with a fool proof way to insure that I don't end up like my parents, just hanging on by the most basic instinct to remain among the living.

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Reply to Windyridge

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My mother has been unhappy for the past 30 years. Over this time, she has done nothing but complain about wherever she lived (and she had a lovely home in the country right down the road from my sister, then a really nice independent living facility, and then a nicer assisted living community. All this time she was interested in nothing, no hobbies, no interests, not books, not food, not anything! She never cooperated with the caregivers in assisted living, wouldn't use a walker, wouldn't shower, etc. She finally fell (as we knew she would) and that put her in the nursing home. She can't hear, can't see out of one eye and due to the fall and barely eating she can no longer walk. Her dementia is getting to the point she doesn't remember what was said two minutes ago. She lives in the moment, hardly eats, and doesn't understand much of what is going on around her but she is still stubborn and not cooperative. Her vitals are strong and she is never happy. (Well, at 101, at this point, I wouldn't be happy either! No life, nothing to enjoy or look forward to, not even watching tv or liking to eat anything.) Why she has such a will to keep living, I don't understand. My wonderful brother-in-law died a terrible death with a brain tumor - he loved life, was happy. His sister died, now his brother is dying. My friend's mom just died, only in her 70's - a vital, active, happy woman with a large family to love and nurture. I guess only God knows why he has chosen to take people with so much to live for and leave my mother to vegetate in a wheel chair month after month.

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Reply to AmyGrace

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i am hoping my mom dies every day,shes mean to my step dad who has given her the world he is 85 with dementia and almost every day she makes a remark u really are stupid.....neither my brother sister will cry when she dies i will smile ear to ear.

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Reply to helpfulone

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Often it isn't the hope that someone will die, it's just that the caregiver needs a break and can see no way out. I agree, with fost40, that adult day care can be a boon for both the elder and the caregiver.
Take care of yourself the best you can,
Carol

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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF

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I understand how you feel. I hope that your mother goes to an adult day care to give you a break.

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Reply to fost40

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I don't hope my mother dies. But I really need to have someone get her off of me. She's going to suck the life out of me.

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Reply to phoenix03

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No one really can grasp how hard it is to care 24/7 for an elderly parent with dementia until they actually do that care taking themselves. It is all too easy to say "I understand what you are going through." But they don't have a clue about abusive behavior, repetitive questioning, disruptive behavior. One should not feel guilty for wishing for a better life for yourself and for your loved one.

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Reply to ADCaregivers

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No, i feel this way about my mother. My father has passed away and now stuck dealing with mom. She is 83 and healthy but is very overbearing. My sister and I are single with no kids so my parents have always depended on us for everything. They were married for 64 yrs but never did anything together. My sister and I were the go between for them. Our only reprise is when my dad was sick and she wasnt able to visit, i live an hour away and work full time. My parents live in a retirement hi-rise. My mother knows is comfortable other than nervous about being alone for the first time which is normal. My brother who is married called me saying he doesnt feel that mom should live alone. I told him she wouldnt be living with me and my sister. My sister and I have housed my parents before without anyone helping.

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Reply to fost40

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Thank you, Burnedout13. I'm sorry about your own pain but your answer will help many. Watching such suffering is horrible and most people who are suffering want it to end.
Take care of yourself,
Carol

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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF

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My mom died on April 15th after two years of progressing vascular dementia. I often prayed that her death would be easy. It was not. I was with her when she died. For the last 5 months, my mom had no joy in her life. Each day when I saw her, it would take my breath away. I couldn't imagine what it was like being in her situation. I prayed that her suffering would end. And the only way that her suffering would end was if she died. One of the last things she said to me that made any sense, was " I will be glad when this is over." I too was relieved when her suffering was over. I miss my mom of years ago, I don't miss the terrible pain of seeing my mom suffer and the woman that was no longer anyone I recognized.. It is not wrong to want your loved one to not suffer. Give yourself some grace. You are doing a really difficult job.

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Reply to burnedout13

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You will learn more and more as you exist on the earth, that there is no such thing as death. If you don't believe that, ask the long island medium, and countless of other mediums, and ghost. Yes the body, or what I call the flesh suit dies, but the spirit is eternal.

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Reply to johnnylong651

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Thank you Carol. Sadly, Mom is a constant reminder that it is now or never and this is the only chance I have to do the things I have always wanted to do, right now. I am almost 70 and putting off my dreams and happiness is no longer an option. I know it is now or never to enjoy life, as one doesn't know what the future will be. This summer we plan to fulfill a goal we have had for several years, to see the country, take a month and travel from sea to shining sea in our camper. Also, we now have two very special, beautiful, well bred, health tested mini poodles to keep us company on the trip and for the rest of our lives. They make us smile and laugh every day. I just wish they could make Mom smile too. But she is in AL safe and cared for as much as she will allow and there is little else we can do but love her and visit her, although she doesn't remember the next day.

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This has to be so hard for you AmyGrace. It's easy to understand why you feel like you do. I hope that you enjoy your own life as much as possible. You certainly deserve it.
Carol

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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF

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This thread has been around for a while, but it will always be pertinent. Our whole family feels it would be better for Mom to pass away quietly in the night, sooner than later so she does not suffer any more mental anguish. Although we wish this for her, it makes me feel guilty anyway. I just want to see her unhappiness end because I can't help her and being with her just makes all of us unhappy too. She will be 101 in a few months and is physically healthy for that age. But mentally, with a negative attitude her whole life, and dementia which torments her, she is barely existing, no longer taking care of herself, has no interests, has no memory, has absolutely no enjoyment in anything. She has ruined her bowels with laxatives, has ruined her weak, emaciated body with anorexic and dehydrating behavior and ruined her mind and enjoyment of life with negative thoughts. She was a good mother, I loved her dearly, we were close but she isn't there any more, hasn't been for 25+ years. With her good health, over this time she could have traveled, had hobbies, special interests, lived well, and enjoyed many things, but chose to be a victim for no reason, even though she is so much better off than 75% of seniors financially and physically. She could never accept aging. Its one thing to hate getting old and try to stay young and healthy and active (I hate aging too) but it is another to simply stop living because of it and spend 20 years either denying it or wallowing in self pity. She refuses help, she refuses anything pleasurable - no showers, no good food, no music, no enjoyment of a sweet puppy, no tv, a good book - nothing. With the dementia for the past two years I doubt she comprehends half of what is going on. None of us has heard one contented or happy sentence from her in 20 years. At her age she is tired, achy, and very very unhappy and there is nothing anyone can do for her because she doesn't want help. Actually, we can't understand why she has not expressed the desire to die because she rejects life. It would be better if God took her home where maybe she could be happy and with my father.

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Reply to AmyGrace

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NO,,, DEATH IS OK

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Reply to IloveMom

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When things like this became too much to handle. I always resulted to praying, and asking for a clearer vision out of my crises. There are many agencies that are in your local area, that can give you some emotional support, as well as spiritual. You have been through more difficult challenges than this, but you always made it through, and it was not just you, that carried you through the many storms, you had help. The same help you had back then, call on it now.

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Reply to johnnylong651

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I really feel for you, and your mother as well. She is here on the earth to do much, than what she could ever do on the other side. Sometimes karma can be rough, but this is what she is going through right now. Don't lose yourself, in the midst of trying to save your mother. You remind her, that she has chosen this path, and you refuse to allow her to take you down with her. Isn't your peace worth fighting for no matter who it is? You let her no, if she does not behave herself, or seek some assistance for herself where there can be some respectable peace for the both of you, you will be forced to find another place for her to live at, that would be more suitable for her,and her needs.

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KM1027 - Oh wow. That is unbelievable! Can an attorney help you at all? Have you thought about moving you and "spouse" to another state? (using the term loosely since he isn't much of one!) It might be well worth it! Yes, if I were in your situation, I would wish for him to die too. Don't feel guilty, his life isn't worthwhile, and he is making yours miserable. Many years ago I was married to an alcoholic. He did nothing to help me, ignored the kids, was lazy and emotionally cruel. When he didn't come home from work I knew he was in a bar, sponging off his friends, getting drunk. He would drive himself home at 3am, drunk, crawl into bed stinking of booze and sleep until noon. Yes, I know exactly how you feel - I used to think the only way we would be free of him was if he wrapped the car around a tree! (But, after many years, I divorced him, the kids and I struggled, but I found myself a wonderful man in the end. I truly hope your story will end the same - with happiness.)

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Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

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