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I'm curious as to an update on BelleFluir, the original poster.
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Reply to whodathunk
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I'm so lucky that I've found this site.I'm referring all of my friends who are caregivers. I am dealing with i got my wish why don't you die? !! Shed say go to hell was burned out. Completely. But i couldn't put her in a NH because I would've lost the house. Well. NowI'm tormented and wish it'd ddie. Little good it did me to want the house. In unable to pay the utilities. My body is used up from lifting her off the floor and potty chair so many times a day as as 20. I'm 115 #.I have a liver disease. She lived the years longer by my staying home with her. She would've starved in a NH
But which is worse. Her pushing me to the brink and screaming at her or her being treated like crap in a home.I love you momma. I walk the floor crying I love you momma I'm sorry momma. Yes I do believe that I've lost my mind
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Reply to andebrum
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When your existence here is through, simply leave your physical body behind because you don't need it anymore. Just "step out" and allow your inner being to return to the non-physical from whence you came.
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Reply to CarolLynn
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im prayin steigman, im prayin. are you still here? damn, ill keep prayin. we beseach you father, blow her heart like a mount saint helons eruption. -- swiftly
and she wants angels. ill pay for the angels its a charitable deduction for me. lets get this s**t done, amen..
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Reply to anonymous158299
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Hope for me, pray for me to go swiftly, for I do not want to linger in a purgatory of failing eyesight and contracted limbs, the isolation of hearing little, and saying even less. Give me to God, call down the angels, summon those who went before me to retrieve my spirit and lay my ailing body to rest in the warm soft earth that comforted me here.
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Reply to pamstegma
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@ zoolife,
great observation about the damage dementia causes to relationships. my mom had an episode 4 years ago that put her in al for a few months and she had the whole family going 8 different directions and pitting one against the other. thankfully at some point we all scratched our heads and figured out that this was far more than irrational thinking -- this was by definition " insanity " .
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Reply to anonymous158299
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//tywkiwdbi.blogspot/2013/12/scott-adams-on-death-of-his-father

This topic popped up in my sidebar, even though I don't think there has been really any current discussion on it.

I have pasted the above link, gathered from a blog I have been following for years. The entire story gave me the shivers, and some of the comments were disturbing to say the least.

Right to die is probably a controversy that doesn't get discussed on a caregiver site. And thank- God it isn't something I have had to deal with.

I hope I never do. I know my mother is is pain, but nothing like this poor man describes.

If nothing else, this link might make you feel lucky, after you recover from the heartbreak of the situation. I know it did for me.
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Reply to DaredToCare
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I think that the reader who suggested that you should tell the authorities that you cannot continue to do so much is absolutely right. I cared to my own mother who did everything she could to be helpful and was always appreciative, yet I had to seek help. The mental, physical and emotional strain weighs heavily on the carer, and at times does nothing for one's patience and temper! Having time for yourself and for your other relationships, and having occasional complete breaks makes life so much easier.
I do hope you succeed in getting help, because this is your life too - you should be enjoying some happy moments, not just living in state of constant bitterness.
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Reply to Lucia24
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I was asking God again today why, my father is like a caged animal in a nursing home trying to get both parents in assisted living. They are driving each other nuts, they have dementia, but in the same room together. JohnDublin so right we are living longer not better. I believe they want to die on any given day. Both having dementia living inside that tortured mind locked facility fed, diaper changes, fits of rage, confusion. Yes I pray for their peace to come, they are not happy they live in misery it's hard to see and hear. I've ask "God" why, have we gone to far as the medical community keeps us alive longer to live like this, they are 86 and 88. Dementia is the most horrific disease I know of, after your mind tortures you, as well as family members anyone who has to come in contact with. The disease it causes more conflict hurt feelings, destroys relationships, there are court battles when the stuffer is like my dad and won't stop fighting, emotional outburst, sheer torture that keeps on giving. Sometimes you have to try and find the humor in the OMG moments. But it reaches past that point to the body shutting down once the mind and will to live are gone it lingers " the long painful goodbye" No I pray for their release from this No it's not wrong to want someone to stop the suffering!
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Reply to Zoolife
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grieved the loss of the mother I needed, and never had


Wow! those are the words I could not find... I knew I'd been grieving but couldn't put words to it...

Thx!
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Reply to RUKiddinME
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still one of the hardest questions to give an answer to. when my husband was alive i know God truly was giving me everything i needed to keep going. i couldn't have made it without Him. and He still continues to pour out His grace to want to keep going, which by the way is getting a little better each day.
As far as it being wrong to wish someone would die, or as I believe, have a change of address, I don't think so. I knew and still know my husband now is in a wonderful place with our Lord Jesus. If I was unsure of that fact, it would be much different for me. Just know that when it is time for them to go, they will. In the mean time please try not to beat yourself up and feel guilty. God is not mad at you nor has He abandoned you. Just draw off His strength, and try to get some time for yourself. I made many many phone calls and accepted just about anybody's offer that I knew would be ok. And when you are there with him, grab every little positive nugget you can find. It might just be a smile or a laugh they show or do. What ever it might be, just hang on to those moments. You have to try to find those special moments. I really started reading my bible alot more. I don't know your faith, but if you've never picked one up before, now would be a great time to get to know Jesus. It will make a difference as you go through this time. I will be praying for you and know many more are doing the same i am sure. this is a wonderful site, and even though i don't jump in as much as i use to, it truly was a blessing while i was taking care of my darling husband before he got relocated. God Bless you johndublin
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Reply to southernyankee
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I think it is terrible that children have to care for their parents. There must be some assisted living where this poor woman could take her father.
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Reply to Mollie90
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Hi Superdaughter,
You are only human and doing far more than most people could or would. Modern medicine is wonderful if it keeps people alive when they are healthy, but sometimes it interferes with what would have been a peaceful natural death. In this case that may be what happened.

Please don't beat yourself up for your feelings. I don't know what your spiritual background is, but you really are allowed human feelings and that includes your feelings about your father. Guilt isn't necessary.
We are thinking of you,
Carol
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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
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wow, i am identifying with you all... i have my 94 yr old father living with me. serious dementia, totally self centered and badgering constantly. he is incontinent, blind from macular degeneration, cant walk. quite a miserable situation. his internal organs are just fine. no medications. he had an optional bipass surgery at age 84. doctors said he didn't need it but he insisted! now i am afraid he will live forever in this freak like state. to top it off, i really don't like this man at all. he has been a self centered control freak all my life. i wish daily that his life would end soon. i lost my life, and i am only 55. my gentleman friend has not dumped me (and i think most men would run) so that is my only positive. no one wants to change their father's diaper especially a miserable unlikeable one... my biggest struggle is spiritual. i know it is wrong to wish someone to die. i am truly becoming miserable myself
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Reply to superdaughter
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I totally sympathize with all of your emotions and feelings about the suffering of your ill parent. It is, I know from experience, much tougher than raising a child. I will admit that their "death brings light at the end of the tunnel" for you. Nothing can be more enslaving than caring for someone who is obliviouse to your suffering and is cruel to get your attention every moment, because of their suffering.

I have experienced your emotions, anger, and depression at the parents as well as at God for allowing such misery. Frankly, I think it hurts you more when you go through this as an adult than if you do as a child because you are more aware of the plight.

I have already been with what many of you are going through with your parents. Mine have now been diseased since the 1970's. I was a child caregiver with no support whatsoever financially, physically, mentally emotionally. Surprisingly, I made some pretty awesome decisions in helping my parents at home when I was of school age from elementary to highschool. I dare say I was pretty resililent. Depression and anger didn't set in until they were gone. The memories if their herendous suffering hurt me more than the responsibility. But, eventually I did overcome that, too.

Yes, you will need psychological help afterwards as well as for now.
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Reply to Intruder
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No its not wrong. I think with modern medicine elderly people live too long when they are so unhappy and ask all the time "why am I still here?" or "I'm ready to go." My Mom is miserable since my Father died 6 years ago.
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Reply to anonymous203625
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I hope god takes my parents based on their wishes for a quality of life, to live independently and not live in a nursng home. They would prefer to die in their sleep, in their own home and without suffering. That is my hope for them as it is their hope for themselves.
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Reply to Labs4me
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Thank you guys for the support.....I still wished I had not posted this. Sometimes, the depression and wine is a terrible combination. Just reading your posts is making me weepy and I don't like to do that in front of my husband because it makes him cry.

Thank you
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Reply to Photoartc
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Agree internet + booze = explosive combination - but also totally agree with Zoolife. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who sometimes thinks sod it I'll have a glass of wine and then finds that things don't look so much better for it after all…

Also, comfort yourself by thinking of all those people in parallel circumstances who instead of posting have emailed their lover/boss/best friend and hit "reply all" by mistake...
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Photoartc, thank you for your honesty, you've done nothing wrong or to be ashamed of you're just as human as the rest of us. God love ya, I have depression too. You're dealing with so much, it's obvious the love you both have for each other. It's only normal really it is, shows compassion for those who suffer with this horrible disease of dementia to want he suffering to end. I came from the same childhood you did very difficult now I'm left doing the best job I can to care for both parents it's a nightmare however I choose to see it today at least as character building. Your situation is a different intimate being this is your beloved who you watch suffer, I can't imagine what you must be going through. Post here who cares what others think it's not like you're going to see them at the grocery. You need an outlet to grieve! God Bless you on your journey!
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Reply to Zoolife
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Ok, my post above is exactly why you should not drink wine late at night when you are at your lowest and post things on the internet. Does anyone know how to delete a posting on here???
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Reply to Photoartc
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I have a dear friend who has dementia, if i had my way she would die tonight. I know she is not happy. What is the point of living if all good qualities are gone.
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Reply to Mollie90
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I am just going through a major depression right now....I know I need to take some kind of antidepressant but hate the way I feel on them. Hopefully, I will get over myself
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Reply to Photoartc
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I love my husband more than anyone in the world but I can't stand him going through the hell he is going though. He cries every day because he can not remember his friends names or can not communicate with anyone. It is heart benching and the worst thing a couple could ever go through. Honestly, I wish one of us would die and when I say that...it would be so hard on him if I died because he loves me so much and it would be devisating for him with his dementia and, honestly, I think it would be better if he died first. That is not going to happen though because he is a triathlete and has done the ironman 3 times and been so healthy the past 25 years, and in excellent health; except for his mind. I, on the other hand, coming from a tumultuous childhood and prone to self destructive behavior all my life, and only alive today, for him, , will go before him. You do not know the guilt I go through because I am so weak and do not take care of myself for him. I feel like such a failure. He has taken care of me all my life, and now, when he needs me, I am useless. The depression is overwhelming. I hate myself
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Reply to Photoartc
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the question has crossed our minds at one point or another. most of us do not want to admit it.
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Reply to caregiver75104
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(((((Jennifers))))) those are totally normal reactions. Both thinking "when is it going to be over" and feeling guilty are pretty common. and both are OK, We don't know that because people don't talk about such things except in forums like this, in or counselling. etc. Caregiving is a very hard job and takes over your life. I hope you have some help with the caregiving and time to do some things for you. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Reply to golden23
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My dad just saw the neurologist and he said that he's doing better. Forgive me, God, but I felt "oh, no, when is it going to be over?". Yes, I feel guilty.
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Reply to Jennifers
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Death is part of the life process. We will all die. Watching suffering that cannot be helped in this lifetime is agony and wanting someone you love to be out of pain is never wrong. You have a big heart - no reason for guilt.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
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I have cared for my Grandparents and also my Father all of whom I loved dearly... However when you watch someone you love suffering and know that their death is close, I DO not think it is wrong to pray for their death! I know that I will see my Grandparents and my Father in heaven some day when I die. I am now my Mother's primary caregiver and she has dementia. I know that she would love to be in heaven and I know she will be happier. I do believe God is soverign and he decides but I do not think we are wrong to ask. When you love someone you want them to have peace.
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Reply to Jaye
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'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.' Matthew somewhere or other, I'm no good at chapter and verse, quoting Jesus Himself. Sherry, what are you worried about being judged for? You are indeed being Jesus in action, so what you said to your mother was both true and comforting - even if you only said it through sheer exasperation at the time! You're a great daughter x
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Reply to Countrymouse
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