I'm young and taking care of my Grandmother, and I don't want to end up resenting my mom. How do I deal with this?

I have stepped in to help my 95 year old grandmother who started having memory issues in 2011. Initially she was forgetting to pay bills. Now she has been calling her friends from the church to say that she doesn't have any food and she hasn't eaten in 2 days, and all she had to eat was bread and water. She even called me to say she didn't have any food or medicine, but I know better because I cooked the food and put it in the refrigerator. She started going to the neighbors across the street 2 times a day, and called them to say she was hungry. I asked her why she did it when she has food, and she said she didn't feel bad about it, because she used to cook and invite them to her house every weekend and they ate, and she has loaned them money when they didn't have it. Everyone has an opinion about what I should do, but no one does anything to help. It has been suggested that we sell the house, but she has a reverse mortgage. It was also suggested that we put her in a nursing home, however I was trying to keep her in her home as long as possible. She has home care 3 days a week for 3 hours two days and 4 hours 1 day. She now has a companion coming for 3 hours 2 additional days of the week. It's like she needs someone around her all the time. She says she doesn't want to go to a nursing home or to live with my mother, and she doesn't want to stay in her house, because she says it's not her house. She left out the other day when the home health aid was about to leave, because she said she was going to her other house. The home health aid stayed with her an hour extra, but the agency didn't pay her, because the agency said she was to call the police and leave. The police was called by the agency. The agency threatened to submit a report for neglect. Everyone acts as though my mother who lives in another state and me are not doing enough. People seem to think that I don't do enough for her, but I'm the only one who takes her to the doctor, get her prescriptions filled, take her out on the weekend, contacted the home care to get her services, cleaned out her garage, does her housekeeping. She has been calling me every day since February, 7 times a day, leaving messages on my answering machine. One day she called me and said she didn't have lights, but I could hear the television in the background, and when I asked her about it she said she must have turned the knob on the lamp the wrong way. She then said her stomach hurt so I said I was going to call the ambulance, then she said not to it was just gas. Then she asked if I were coming over to spend the night. I told her I would be by the next day, because it was already 10:00 pm. She says she doesn't feel right when she is by herself. She said she has always been this way. I think her so called friends are tired of her calling them repeating the same conversation so they call me and my mother, because they don't want to be bothered. They say something needs to be done, because they are concerned for her safety, but I think they feel guilty for not doing more when she's done things for them, and in order to alleviate that guilty feeling and stop her from annoying them they phone me to say they are concerned and she is so lonely, and suggest that I put her in a nursing home so she will be out of the way and won't bother them.

Have you called social services or her doctor for a home health evaluation? There are so many options available. Have you told your Mom how you feel? Sweetheart, caregiving is sometimes too much for those of us much older and at your age it should have never been an option.

God love you for what you are doing. Your parents have to find another solution.

Hi Allie,
I don't know if I can help you but I just wanted to say I appreciate your last comment. I am reading this thread because I typed "my grandma does not appreciate my help" in the google search. :) I am young, (not as young as you are) but like you I thought I was doing the right thing. I took a break from college, moved out of my house with roomates ( very upbeat and fun group.) Because my Grandma was living alone and my mom and her brother are both drug addicts with unknown addresses. My grandma is only 78, she does take her medicine and she is mostly able to care for herself. She just needs help getting the house ready to sell. (Something she's been wanting to do but is leery of the housing market.) I was making dinner for her tonight and clipping the spikes of the artichokes which fell in the sink..she came up behind me with a very worried look on her face, like I was doing something wrong, and said, "I hope you're not putting those down the garbage disposal...they will clog!" Granted, I am PMS ing, and it is a minor annoyance. It hit a sensitive nerve. I rolled my eyes and put the stopper over the sink disposal. She got offended at me rolling my eyes and started slamming dishes around. Then, I said (somewhat sarcastically, aren't you ready for some delicious artichokes...)and she just mumbled...mheh...Point is, it hurts. It hurts me, and apparently her. I have been crying in my room since dinner. Now after reading this, I don't feel so alone with this problem.

Good luck, Allie. I started caring for my mom when I was 16. I'm in my mid 30s now, and still doing it. Sometimes there is no other way. I have none. You seem to have some. Take those opportunities. Weigh your options. You have time to make your life work for you. I wish you the best.

Allie, Its been awhile and I would love to know how this turned out. As others, I'm a mom of a 24 and 26 yr old and never ask them to deal with my elder mom (dementia and early Alz). It is not their place and I want them to have a full and unencumbered life to find their own happiness and focus on their new adulthood.

My mother is very difficult; just like your gram (only 89) and refuses all help and won't move. I've done all I can with getting doctors, evaluation, etc. and she won't budge and although she needs help; I choose not to force her. Whatever happens will be MY responsibility for my mom and not my children.

Hon, when we become parents, we love and parent, provide for our children -- with no expectations on the other end. I only want my children to pass that forward and do the same for their children. THEY OWE ME NOTHING -- it is my job to provide for myself and be open to the help I'll need when the time comes.

Your Gram isn't going to get better. Turn it back to your parents. Yes they are busy but there are so many resources where they can get help and assistance for your grandma. It's lovely of you to help; but move on dear. Don't feel guilty and if you do; come back here for support. We're all on your side!

Dear Here4her
Thank you so much!!!! I wish it was that easy, I have the means to move out, but I can't get past Grandmas constant I raised you and you owe me, and that guilt. I need to get strong, I just don't know how. I have looked for help and support groups , there are none that deal with just caring for a senior, they are all for Alzheimer's.
I hope Allie will never have to feel the guilt I do, that's why I told her to run , run as fast as she can out of that situation.

Bell. Take your own advice. Get out somehow. How can you sit by anklet the uncle get paid for what you do. I'd rather live in a woman's shelter than put up with what you are dealing with. Join a church, get a support group. Itts not too late. But it will be some day. Mant women have reinvented themselves at ages older than you. Get on the phone - ask for help.
Allie. Still waiting for you to tell us why your mom can't halo with her own mom. I'm suspecting they have you brainwashed.
Sign up for school. There are grants. Women with children do this all the time.
Please save yourself before it's too late.
Next you will be taking of your mother and will NEVERhavea life. You have so many responses her that all say the same thing
Why don't you post here daily and let the kind and wise people guide you

Read a thread by survivor2. This group helped her turner live around and gave her the guts to put herself and her family first. Please give it a try. Hugs

My mother as well as my uncle do not want to be bothered with it. Both do not work and have all the time, I on the other hand work full time. I have tried in vain to talk to both of them, as a result Grandma just got more abusive, I gave up.

Why can't your mom help it? Please explain that to us?

Dear Allie
Sweetheart GET OUT while you can.
I am a 47 year old women, who was raised by my grandmother, I love her dearly.
Grandma is now 90, I am her sole caretaker.
I have a uncle(her son) who collects money for caring for her and I do not see
him but twice a month,he shows up for her to sign his paycheck. He receives
money from the county we live in for caring for her.

My mother is to busy on the internet to bother caring for her mother.
Grandma has all her faculties about her and has a abusive and sharp tongue
when it comes to me (and Only me).

Sweetheart get out while you can before you end up like me (my whole life I
have cared for her ) as a result I have no life, no children ect........

Take care

Pitbullmama: Sorry to hear of your situation and I do think your advise is right on. With the job market the way it is, I'm sad you had to give up a good paying job. I'm wondering about the feeding tube. Sometimes people don't want to eat because they are naturally progressing to death and not eating is a sign of that. Keeping her going via artificial means may not be the kindest thing considering her many significant medical problems. Is it possible that your parents could speak with her doctor and ask about in-home hospice care?

I hope all goes well for you when your time with Grandma is over. Blessings to you and your family, Cattails.

Don't know if this will reach you since I see that your post is a few months old, but after reading your question I felt I had to put in my two cents.

I'm in a similar position you are in, just a little more down the road.
Currently I'm 24 years old, and I've been taking care of my now 80 year old Grandmother for over a year.
Right now it's myself as well as my mother and father doing the caregiving.

Let me give you a little bit of background.
Grandma has advanced Alzhiemers(sp?) and Parkingson's diease. She requires constant care. She is unable to hold her bowels or bladder and wears adult diapers. Due to the combination of dieases, she is also unable to stand or walk without assistance. Because she refuses to eat, her doctors have inserted a PEG feeding tube. We, (Myself and parents) have moved into her house so that she did not have to go to a nursing home.
I can tell you, that like yourself, my grandmother dose not appericate any of the care that she is given. At this point it's due to the dieases and I can accept that. However, even before the first sign of dementia set in myself and my grandmother had had our falling out. Before I left for collage, she kindly informed me over dinner one night that while she could be civil to me at family gathering, she'd really prefer it if I made no attempt to speak with her from now on.

Despite there being three sane people here, I do the majority of Grandma's care as well as house keeping. I don't give medications, that's the one area of her care that I refuse to touch.
At one year into this, my daily Grandma duties include but are not limited to: Feeding, flushing out the feeding tube, multiple loads of laundry, washing the mattress if/when the diaper leaks at night, bathing her, changing her diaper and wiping her rear when I can get her to the bathroom in time.
I also work a part time cashier's job to help with household bills and my own expenses including student loan payments.
I've been to collage, earned a B.S in Technical Writing and Communication. At one time I had a good paying job lined up.
But like yourself I let the guilt get to me. Just about everyday I'd get a call while at collage from Mom or Dad telling me about how much trouble they were having with Grandma. There was also mony worries. My father has not been able to secure a steady job now for over six years.
So I gave it up, and moved back home.

I can tell you from experience that the longer you stay there, the more responsilbity you will be expected to take on in her care, and the less involvement you will get from everyone else.

There will come a time when you will probably have to act as primary caregiver for a family member. But that should be for your own parents. Take back your life while you can, if you can. It's not being selfish, it's refusing to pick up everyone else's (including your parents) slack.
In the end, you will have to make your own decision what you do of course. Just make sure you are including your own personal health and wants in your choice.

As for me. I'm going to stick it out here to the end. My Grandma's dieases are only going to worsen and at the rate they are progressing, it won't be long anyway.
Besides, I'll end up in the hospital myself before I let this old woman get the better of me again!

Cheers to you and take care hun.

Allie my daughter is 22 and I would never expect her to take on such a responsibility. This not what you are to be doing at such a young age. I understand that is hard to say no but they should not have expected you to or have even ask you to do this job. They are not really not underatanding of the responsibilities this job has. This is a hard and isolating job. You should never feel guilty with making a better choice for yourself and your Grandmother, make another choice and be the loving caring Granddaughter that you are not her caregiver. Good Luck you are a Great Person

Dianna: If you decide to take on your Grandmother too, you really need to get household help. Not just with the house cleaning, but care givers who are trained to help with meals and bathing. Do you have adequate space for your mom and your Grandmother? Could they share a room and be compatible? Do they have enough income between them to pay for the care givers, because this should be their expense and not yours? I would suggest that you contact your local area on aging, check it out on line if you are not aware of it. You need to get your ducks in a row if you have any chance of being successful with this venture.

The good thing is that your willingness to take care of family gives a message to your children regarding the value of family. On the other hand, if this drives you into the ground, then the message is lost. You have to take care of you and your family first. If you run yourself ragged, you are not good to yourself, your children, your husband or mom and GM.

I give you high marks for considering taking on the care of both. The honest reality is you can't do it alone. Your children have activities that they want you to be involved in. You husband would like to have time with you and the kids when he is at home. It's not easy to have care givers on weekends.

This is something that you need to research and then sit down and discuss with your husband and children. My heart goes out to you. It's a tough call. If you choose to take all this on, then do it with the idea that it is a 3 month trial basis, not a life time commitment. God bless you and I do understand you love your mom and GM. Keep in touch. Cattails.

Dianna, hugs to you, dear. You are a fine person. But there is only one of you and you are being stretched too thin as it is. Please read all the advice to Allie91. Your situations are different, but many of the issues are the same.

My mother has taken care of my grandmother for about the last 4 or 5 years. My mother had to be put on constant oxygen, and I asked her to bring her and my grandmother to my house to help out. They were getting some home health care, and that helped with certain things, but lots of days I would have to go over in the evenings and help out as well. Please don't take me the wrong way, I dearly love my mother and grandmother, they are the two most wonderful women in my life, and I am so grateful to have them. My grandmother , like others, thinks she can still do all the things she use to, and I understand she wants to, but she has went through one hip replacement about 4 years ago, a broken rib 2 months ago, and now had a second hip replacement. My mother agreed to come home with me since she can't even go to the grocery store anymore. My grandmother has been getting rehabilitated at a nearby nursing home, and she is doing pretty good, especially for someone 86 yrs old, but now she is wanting to come to my home to. I really want to be able to do this for them, they were always so selfless and considerate of others, and they have taught me to try to be the same way, and i love them for that. On the other hand, my husband and i have been married for 17 yrs. and we have 2 daughters, a 13 and 9 yr old, he is also a truck driver and usually isn't home until the weekends. I am not in the worst health, but definately not in the best either. i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'm the only daughter, the only granddaughter, mother of 2, wife, along with all the other things that I deal with , like most people, on a daily basis. When I slow down from all the running and doing for everyone else, the house needs cleaned, or something else pops up. I'm so tired i don't have a lot of energy. If they both stay with me I have got to get some help with the house cleaning, just so I have time to do all the other stuff that I have to do. I don't know what to do, my grandmother can get up and walk with assistance, but I am already taking care of my own mother, I love my grandmother but i don't know if i can take on taking care of another person. Pleaaase if anyone could give me some advise i would appreciate it. My husband is worried about me, and i am worried about everyone else, like what if i can't handle them both, this breaks my heart. thanks so much, my name is Dianna

Dear Allie, There is great advice and empathy coming your way in this conversation. I don't want to reiterate the conversation but this is not a responsibility that a 20 year old should be taking on. You are not the solution to your mother's dilemma about what to do about her mother. You have to come up with a different solution. It sounds like your grandmother needs to have some professional testing. I'm don't know where you live, but you can find a place that does thorough testing for seniors and you will have a better understanding of exactly what is going on with your grandmother. Once you have the results of the tests, you can make less emotional decisions. I don't see why you would lose your relationship with your mother if you made a decision not to be the full time caregiver for your grandmother who is verbally abusive towards you. You do not sound selfish. In fact you are quite the opposite. Clearly you are in a position of sacrificing your life for your grandmother. I am confused as to why your mother cannot help care for her own mother. Did I miss something here? I have a 26 year old daughter and I can't imagine expecting her to care for my 83 year old mother. Sure, I might ask her to help out once in awhile, but be her full time caregiver - NO! You are in the prime of your life and you have to find another way to manage this situation.

If your grandmother tests normal and she refuses to take her medications and live alone, then sometimes you need to let that happen. We cannot make someone take medications against their will. Unless you have Power of Attorney or Conservatorship over your grandmother, no amount of pleading, coaxing or talking to her is going to make any difference. I would recommend that you get her tested. Look up Geriatric Evaluations on the Internet and type in your city after that and see what shows up for you. Start here with your grandmother and then create a plan for you to get your life back. Please know that you are NOT selfish for wanting to have some relief from this very difficult situation. This is not a burden than you should take on alone.

Allie, you do not have enough experience in life to care for an elderly bi-polar. Although, I believe you are adding a wealth of knowledge to your experience because of the situation.

What you do next is very important and you will remember it all your life. You have to get yourself out of there as your mother and grandmother are taking advantage of you. They are guilting you into remaining and will keep you locked in the tower with your crazy aged granny as long as you will stay.

You must plan an escape. Imagine yourself in another situation. Surely there is something else you would rather be doing. Do you have training for a job where you could get work? Finances are going to be what will eventually get you away.

If you are not trained, I suggest you get some. That will get you away from your family and among other people who are planning their future. You will pick up all sorts of ideas and enthusiasm from others like yourself.

Once you have some skills and found work save up a little nest egg, say $2000. Then move in with a roommate or get a place on your own.

You need to learn how to protect yourself from your family and all the rest of the world which will take advantage of you. Believe me it can be cruel. When you have the ability to take care of yourself you can set boundaries with your family and make them stick. If you leave your grandmother, someone will find another naive person to take care of her.

Good luck.

Allie: How old is your grandmother and how old are your parents?

You are too young for this responsibility. Heck, at 20, you should be in college or having fun with your friends. Perhaps Grandmom could move in with your parents. I'm sorry for being so blunt but it's obviously bothering you. Live your own life, my friend.

Allie, I have my mother move in with me and I also have 2 daughters ages 19 and just turned 21. They had a tough time adjusting to the changes in our home since my mother moved in. They come to me and we talk about it. We all come to agreement that many things are difficult about caregiving for elderly but some day we are going to be happy that we took care of our family.... with that said... no family member should be taking on all the burden of the care especially at age 20. You have some responsibilities and love for your family but this is also a time that you need to be preparing yourself to be out on your own whether it be college, jobs, etc. Talk to your Mom and show her the responses on this site. Good luck to you and your family.

i can tell this is tough for you and you being 20 yrs old ..im taking are of a man now that has a 18 yrs old son and he"s been takling care of his father for a yr now he was diagnoied with brain cancer he is not old he is 53 yrs old and i can tell he is getting angry about a few things but im glad my company step into help...hang in there is you can,,best of luck to you

Allie... Please take to heart all of these comments.... in my experience as a generational person of 52... I have children age 29 and 26... I have charge of my 29 year old (she became 24/7 care from a brain injury when she was 23). I think of my kids and wonder what would I want for them... I would want them to move along to a life filled with purpose, career, marraige, kids of their own and happiness... I would be heart broken if they put it upon theirself to sacrifice their whole life to care for my aging mother. My mother is 78. When I consider the situation you are in I would want you to take the control card... I would definately get social services involved, I would ask about legal gaurdianship and the absolute necessity of getting your grandmother into a facility close to your parents home. This has got to be taken out of your grandmothers hands. If your parents are not going to "step up to the plate" (as stated earlier) You must take control and do what you know is in the best interest of all. Your grandmother will never accept the fact that she can not be alone... NEVER... as people age this is really the last piece of control that is the hardest to take away... their independance... there can be comprimises... maybe we all can think of ways to comprimise with grandma... I just know that though you can certainly insist to social services that they need to intervien and allow you to get grandma moved to your parents area. You can still be involved in grandmas life to a great extent.. visiting 3 times a week... taking her out for outings... She will be angry at you... that is a givin... she will see though after it is all said and done that you love her and are not abanoning her... you (Allie) need your own life!!! NUFF said Ehh?

Your grandmother will never agree to another souution because this is working for her and she is not thinking how bad it is for you-you are young do you want to be in this place ten years from now-I think giving your parents two months to make other plans is the way to go-they need to step up to the plate-if your grandmother appreciated what you are giving up to care for her that would be different if it were a month or two-but if you don't get then to change you will be 40 and still there. It is your parent's responsibilty not yours. Get social services involved-you are making this too easy for them and you do not deserve this treatment-keep us posted and I hope we hear that you are on your way to your own life soon.

Allie, yes there are folks on here that have been doing this for many many years, and we give suggestions for how to make things work easier... but we also know what doesn't work, that is why we are encourgeing you to stand up for yourself , as uncomfortable as it is... Some of us , being almost elderly ourself, are just learning to say NO... so I encourge you to possibly get some counseling on how to go about this...some of us have had to get outside help ourself. If we knew HOW to say NO we would have already done it... bless you and your very loving heart... Please let us know how things turn out... hugs

Allie: Sometimes people don't hear what others say. They don't take it into the soul and heart and process it.

We just wish we could make my grandma move into assisted living. It would make things so much easier. I hate that there is a easy, well maybe not easy, but a more sensible solution, and there is nothing we can do about it. I just don't understand how people can be so stubborn, and say such mean things to people that are trying to help them. I have so much respect for all of you guys out there dealing with these situations and worse. It is truly admirable to see all of you and get such wonderful and positive feedback.

Allie: One of the best people on this website for advise is Jeannegibbs and I couldn't agree more with what she said to you. I'm 63 and I've been taking care of my parents from the past 7 years. My mom has passed away and my dad is living under our roof due to a major stroke. Allie, it is hard for me to deal with the full time care of my dad. I miss having a life too.

My granddaughter is 22 years old and is a full time college student and works many hours too. She is just the best person and I love her to pieces. She is like my own daughter. I can't imagine asking her to take on the full time care of myself or my husband.

I appreciate that your mom is in a tough situation. Nevertheless, it is her situation and not yours. You must be an amazing young woman to even consider taking on the care of your grandmother. At your age, there is so much else you need to be doing.

This is going to be difficult for you. You know that you are in the wrong situation and it isn't working for you. This is a primer for your life. Do you stay in a place that is bad for you because you don't want to disappoint your mom or, maybe later, someone else? Or do you say NO, this is not good for me and I have a right to have my life too?

Give your mom two months to find another solution to this problem. That's her job. The fact that grandma doesn't want to move is not a good reason for you to have to sacrifice years to her care. If grandma insists on living alone, then you should get on with your life. Eventually, it will be come clear that she needs to move. You staying with her only makes that process take longer.

God bless you kind heart and my love goes to your mom too. I know you are all doing what you think is right, but Allie it is not right for this burden to fall on you.

I don't know what the plan is, but thank you very much. I will look into that. I really appreciate all the feedback. I'm glad I joined this site.

I was at a day-long conference about caregiving persons with dementia today. (I know your grandmother may not have dementia, but I think this applies.)

One speaker talking about the stresses of caregiving listed feeling guilty as one stress. She said that is pretty universal for caregivers. And here is the thing -- you will feel guilty if you can't do what is expected of you and put your life on hol. And if you try to do it, you will feel guilty that you can't do it perfectly. You will feel guilty for feeling resentment. You will feel guilty when you get mad at your grandma. The guilt is not rational -- this is not your fault, but it seems to be very hard to escape. You can't make your decisions based on guilty feelings, because you can pretty much count of feeling guilty no matter what.

I hope you can convince your grandma to move, but I wouldn't count on it. So what is the plan if she refuses? You and your parents need to work together to come up with a viable plan that does not involve you giving up your life. This is very tough stuff. Please contact Social Services or your state's Department on Aging and get some professional input.