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When Mom came to live with me I was lost, hurt, alone and very afraid. I started googling her symptoms and looking for answers. I was desperate. I came across questions like mine and answers from ppl on this site. I was amazed at the knowledge, compassion and identification I found here. I was addicted to this site!

I read for weeks, literally day and night, before I finally got up the nerve to ask for help.

I did not mind being open and honest with my Mom's plight. I felt you would understand what she AND I were facing. And thankfully you did. The response was amazing. I thought, thank God for this site and these wonderful ppl.

I stuck around as I dealt with Mom because I felt safe here. No longer alone. You felt like a LifeLine as Mom got worse. I needed you.

As I continued to read questions, I realized I had something to offer. I did not give advice on things I had no experience with. It felt good to be able to give back and help the next person reaching out. AA teaches us this. However, I started to notice when a regular member would answer first, the rest of the regulars would conform and follow suit..... don't do it....do it.....leave him....call the authorities...on and on.

I didn't think much about it, but gave my suggestions from my own way of thinking. My individual experiences and out comes. What I've been taught and what ive struggled with & already worked through.

I was humbly forced to back up my comments and prove I've experienced my advice. When I did ....lay it all out, I figured I was doing it in a safe place, with understanding ppl....Like in a no judgement zone. That was a joke.

I guess there's a dominating clique in every group. Ppl feel possessive of a place and claim it as their own. No room for differing thoughts, Opposing views.

Open mindedness is a valuable asset, as it keeps me learning and growing. Shunning only shows insecurities. It's glaringly obvious any love and support here is extremely conditional. That's pretty sad.

I really get a kick out of the phoney " God bless you" comments and biblical quotes. Cherry picking at it's finest. Don't use God to try to make yourself look like your something your not. Giving a blessing is 💯 percent about the other person. Not thrown around to glorify your image. If it came from the heart, you'd heed His other teachings.

*There is no blessing in being good to ppl you like. No, the blessing comes in being good to those you do not like.* "Or"
*What you do on to the least of you, you do on to me.*

Being a good person is NOT always easy. If it's easy we're not doing it right.

Well, I did not come here to conform. I came to get help and hopefully help others. If that has cause *the clique* to turn their backs on me, when I'm asking for help, feeling my heart's being crushed....then there it is. Actions ALWAYS speak louder then words. Ppl will rarely remember what we said, but always remember what we did.

I do not want or need any phoney justificatory comments. I just needed to say, you read like an open book.

God Bless And may peace be with you.
Pepsee

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Hugs, Pepsee, I don't know what's going on, but I'm sorry you have been on the receiving end of some judgmental comments, and sorry too for the rough time you and your mom have been going through lately. I know it's been hard.

I'm glad you're here. You are right, we're all here or should be to help each other and share our experience, strength and hope. Please keep coming back! :)
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I'm looking for how this applies to me. I certainly don't mean to be obnoxious and I do dislike pious sayings that feel empty and false. I have enough of that in real life.

I am truly sorry to have offended anyone with my words. Faith is a journey of learning and I still make mistakes. Peace be with you too.
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Pepsee,
I am so sorry that I have offended you with my SINCERE and LOVING " God bless you" comments and biblical quotes. Unfortunately, I say those comments because I care about you and want the best for you. I am sorry that my occupation as a Volunteer Parish Nurse (Faith Community Nurse) offends and upsets you. I will try my best not to make those type of comments on your posts again.
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There are others, yes me, that just recently this site now has questions and discussions with a very heavy religious tone and people that often quote verse. I am a person that keeps my faith inside and do not find peace or comfort from those that are so overly open with theirs.
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I am glad you are staying.

ALL experience helps others.
I love it here too but I only post when I feel I have something I personally can offer. It is not always right but it is MY OPINION.

If I agree with someone, I will say so.
The group you call 'the clique' (or words to that effect. I find are people that have been here a long time. They have great knowledge, which I mostly agree with. So I may jump on their band wagon. lol
If I have a different opinion that will (I think) be useful to the poster, I also pop my five oars in. :)

Most here are under stress and as such may write something and not mean it the way it comes out. The written word shows no emotion.

I feel I may upset people sometime BUT IT IS NOT MY INTENTION TO DO SO.

My sign offs are usually HUGS AND TAKE CARE.
I am a wacky Brit with an odd sense of humour.
Try and chill a little, my dear. I so think that no one meant to stress you out. When I am having a bad day, I stress out easily. lol
Imagine a 72 year old blob with PMT. Hahahaha

So see you in the next post Pepsee.

Take Care :)
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I agree that faith is a private thing and there is little place for religious quotations on this type of forum. Politics and religion lets not discuss them.
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I think it is a symptom of modern life; the internet allows us to comment anonymously, it keeps us removed from actually knowing how the things we say are received and it is common for even usually reasonable people to type something off the cuff and judgmental, especially when they are having a bad day.
If you are feeling snubbed understand that sometimes a question/discussion just doesn't resonate with people, it is outside their life experiences.

I've been on this site for a few years and I've come to "know" a lot of the old timers. Although I'm sure I would never be friends with them in the real world there are some whose comments show they think like I do, there are others whose comments are always coloured by their own past experiences so are on a different wavelength than I am but we can respectfully disagree. There are a very few I avoid altogether. Kinda like the real world after all, isn't it?
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Pepsee, if I personally have ever said anything to offend you I apologize. I have occasionally said “God bless you” to posters and never assumed it would seem insincere (because it wasn’t intended that way) it’s just a way of saying I care.

There are people on this board who’ve been here for 5 years or more. If we’re in a “clique”, it’s certainly not one we opted into. We share this difficult and stressful job of caregiving for our loved one’s. We all have different experiences that we share and share what worked for us to possibly help someone else. For myself, my husband is bedridden. I do all but feed him. I would certainly rather be living the life of the Seniors in the television ads, nice clothes, perfect hair and make-up, big house, lunches with friends, cruises, flea markets...but that wasn’t in my cards. If I have helped even one poster with my experiences and advice, I’m satisfied. But, if I have ever insulted or hurt one, I’m devastated. 

To my knowledge, Pepsee, no one has asked you to leave and no one expects you to. If you’re having a particularly stressful time, well, I’ll keep you close in my thoughts.
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Gladimhere, I feel the same way. I feel I have faith but I don't wear it on my sleeve. To those who are more open I smile and say thankyou.

Pepsee, so sorry. I have seen some posts lately that have been a little judgemental to some posters. I have learn that there are a few who say it like it is. I figure thats their personalities coming thru. Its really hard to write posts and hope you don't offend anyone. I have not noticed anyone being judgemental to you but then I read a lot of posts. Again, sorry if I or anyone has offended you,
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Oh and thank you for posting how you are feeling.
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Pepsee, I like your open and honest approach, and hopefully I haven't hurt you feelings in my posts, as I certainly would never intend to hurt anyone!

I know that I have ended my posts with a "God Bless", but only because I felt the poster needed a little boost. Please don't take that as a sign of forcing my religious beliefs on anyone, it's only showing that I care.

Us old timer's aren't in a clique perse', as we are just as anonymous as the next one, but sometimes our answers do become repetitive, as the shoe fits, as we have learned through trial and error, that these methods are the ones that Generally work best, so you might often hear the same answer.

I do try, to only share my own point of view, on those subjects that I have some knowledge of, unfortunately I have seen 4 parents to the grave, and have been involved in all of their care, their diagnosis all completely different of one another.

Sometimes I feel my time here has come to an end, and yet because of the community of caring that I received when I needed it the most, I keep coming back, to see how my cyber friends are doing, and to see if I can offer a newbie, some sage advice.

Please, never leave, as you have great instincts as a carer, and you offer a fresh approach and great advice, from what I've read so far! You take care!
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Pepsee,, My own religious bent is "my own", shall we say.. But I do sometimes says prayers are with you,, and I mean good thoughts and wishes perhaps. As for the Clique type things..when I was new on here I got "flamed" several times by an "expert",, really got my inexperienced feeling hurt a few times. But I hung in there,, and I am so glad I did. There are some really wonderful folks on here, and I value and trust many of them. I often post after a long hard day at work, and sometimes I may be more blunt than I mean to be.. Please stay! Young blood is good blood!!
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for some reason (haha just not brainy!) I can never write an answer on here and make it sound "good". if I tried to do that I would spend all day on one response. this is not directed at original poster. or at anyone in particular - I try in my own way to only tell my story and I know I probably sound juvenile and im 59 years old.
I do know that I am just a regular ol person, keeping my self out of trouble.

I was really scared to post here. I originally came to ask a question. but I haven't done it yet. I have no idea if anything I post helps anyone. I am no expert on anything.

sometimes if I read someones post. I may interpret it very different than someone else. that's just how I am. I don't ever seem to be on the same channel....ive always kinda been like that. im very serious/responsible person. but at the same time kinda goofy. so if someone wants to correct me or put me in the corner, that's ok. :)
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"Nobody puts Wally in a corner!" You use paragraphs and punctuation..your good in my book,, so go ahead and post your question some day. We may surprise you in a good way.
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Pepsee - I'm sorry you've been on the receiving end of judgmental comments. I've been on this site several years now, and I'm not aware of any clique. Am I in it? I have no idea...

I think people do tend to echo one another when they agree with an earlier poster, because it's a lot easier than repeating the same idea in different words. I know I do. I can't think of a single poster I agree with all the time though. I have exchanged unpleasant words with a few people here, but not any of the regulars, that I can recall.

Anyway, I'm sorry if anyone here has offended you, and I'm happy you're not leaving.
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pamzimmrrts reply made me reflect on my first “flaming”.

The charge was headed by a prominent “old timer” and in the flick of a Bic EVERYONE was pig piling on me - handing me my azz.

My favorite roasting was done by someone who blamed me for the annoying alerts she was getting for the new replies - when in fact I had stopped posted for at least a day and the alerts were for “clique members” who were continuing to have a go at me.

I was devastated. In fact, I went radio silent for a few months while I licked my wounds and pondered if I should continue to come here to AgingCare.

That was nearly three years ago and as you can see - I’m still here, too.

Ive had my azz handed to me a couple of times since that first time but I’ve toughened up a bit and it doesn’t really bother me much anymore. I think it’s the price one pays when they’re a free thinker and see the value in being a straight shooter.

These days im not posting nearly as much as I use to but it’s more from trying to distance myself from my bad memories of my caregiving years than anything having to do with the folks here.

Bottom line - there are some wonderful, caring, giving people here who really are in it to help and give back. And bottom line - I honestly feel this site saved my charbroiled azz and my sanity. I don’t think I would have survived those last couple- really tough caregiving years without having this place - and these folks - to turn to.

Hang in there - it’s worth it.
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Pepsee! I don’t know what has happened but it seems like you’ve received some criticism! And judgement. I’m so sorry! I enjoy your posts, you are kind and helpful to others all while taking care of your mom. Bit hypocritical of me to say this as I have lashed out a time or two on my own threads & didn’t think before I spoke but I really wish more people here would think before they speak. Many of us are vulnerable and looking for support and encouragement, not judgement and snark. As far as the religious comments, yes it seems some are snarky and say “god bless you” in an ill-manner but I think most here bring up religious with only good intentions. Anyway I am glad you aren’t leaving :)
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Pepsee,

Just a few thoughts. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. I don't follow every thread, and I'm not sure which discussion or discussions you were referring to, but this group as a whole is kind, sympathetic, and willing to offer suggestions when help is asked for. That being said, a whole lot of emotion comes into play during these discussions and sometimes unintended triggering and hurt feelings result. When people correspond in a written form, we don't have the benefit of seeing each other's expressions or hearing the inflection of tone in our voices. Maybe it's better to extend the benefit of the doubt. If anyone really does get snarky, we can always ignore them, right?

In regard to religious remarks, platitudes, scripture quoting, etc, I don't generally use those here, even though I am a spiritual person. If I make a reference to God, it's only because I see and interpret the world through a lens of Christian thought and feeling. When I or someone else says "God bless you," it's generally meant as a sincere expression of good will, i.e. "may good things come your way" and not an imposition of one's religion. You might consider taking it in that spirit, or not.

Again, I do enjoy your posts and I'm glad you mean to "stay." Wishing you the best!
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Again Pepsee, I am with you. I still am having my issues, and they aren't pleasant for sure, and usually not related to my MIL. I have been accused by my daughter that "I hate her" meaning my MIL, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. The disease, a different story.

I took offense to the post about why new carers didn't take the advice of the more experienced, something to that nature. I tend to just type, instead of mulling it over for a bit. Such as now. First, how do they know we haven't taken the advice...

Anyway, I wanted to say that you bring a fresh perspective and I TRULY APPRECIATE YOU BEING HERE AND BEING THE PERSON YOU ARE!
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I got beat up a few times too. Some posters here are known for those shenanigans. When I see it I usually send the victim a heads up personal message to let the newbie know. Then the poster also gets a PM which is not so nice. Some just tend to forget what this forum is for. Support, regardless of decisions made, it is not a contest to see who gives the best advice or offers the best ideas. Some treat it that way and get offended when different decisions are made. We have all walked in caregiver shoes but there is only one right answer and that is the one that the caregiver makes for their unique situation.
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Pepsee, I am not sure what is going on, but I always have appreciated your posts.
I would like to say that when I mention scripture or God, it is not something I say or talk about in passing, He is my life and I try to live as he wants me to. I mean it when I say I will be praying for someone, because I do it faithfully.
But, I cannot speak without speaking of God, because I cannot seperate Him out of my life at will, it is either all or nothing. I am sorry if someone has offended you. And I do hope you keep posting.
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Pepsee, I’m sorry you’ve had a problem. I enjoy your posts and comments. I hope you stick around. I think you have a lot to contribute with your experiences.
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Well, leave it to me to be the dissenter here.

I can't say that you are attacking MY posts personally because my name isn't on it but I DO often tell a person "God bless you." (and really mean it, by the way), so I guess I qualify for the label "phoney". That is personally offensive. It MEANS something to me to say (write) it and also when someone says (types) it to me. It's sad that it offends you. I actually say a prayer right at the computer when I tell them I will pray for them. I am not "using" God to be something I'm not. I believe what I say and I will NOT apologize for what I've said.

This is your comment;
"I really get a kick out of the phoney " God bless you" comments and biblical quotes. Cherry picking at it's finest. Don't use God to try to make yourself look like your something your not. Giving a blessing is 💯 percent about the other person. Not thrown around to glorify your image. If it came from the heart, you'd heed His other teachings."
Then you ended your post with;
God Bless And may peace be with you.
Pepsi

What's with that? Didn't you just call that "phoney"?

You posted, "I really get a kick out of the phoney " God bless you" comments and biblical quotes."
Yet you "biblically quoted" Matthew 25:40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
What's with that? We can't but you can?

I just commented to a man's post who's wife is dying. I brought up the afterlife (Heaven or whatever he believed) as a point of hope. I didn't choke it down his throat. I was trying to comfort him. He could respond, which he did-with faith in God. He could have just ignored the post or gotten mad at me. I took the gamble that what I wrote would be of some assistance to his mental state. I have held the hand of many a dying patient and prayed with some of them too. I suppose that you think was fake also?

Usually I don't discuss "religion" but, in forums such as this, with pain and suffering all about us, SOME people may be comforted by these words. If you don't agree with a sentiment, disregard it but don't tell me I'm phoney.

Unspoken thoughts, that are conveyed in typed words, are often difficult to get the "feel" of what the poster wanted to convey. I certainly got your message.

I am not condemning you for your opinion, even though I don't share it. This forum has been immensely helpful. However, I'm going to take a break from the site for awhile, as I may be one of the "possessive" posters in the "clique". I need to re-examine my style of writing and what I say.
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Pepsee, I've never read a dissenting word on here towards you. Maybe, I missed something? but I guess I'm an old-timer on here now. I've always spoken honestly and from the heart. Quite often I've had people disagree with me. Such is life.................I will still continue to post whats in my heart and if people disagree, so be it. There are plenty of people on here who have agreed and so I'll continue on in my own way and with my own words. And I don't think anyone on here who hasn't intentionally insulted you owes you an apology either. Suck it up Buttercup.

I have to disagree with you though. I think most people on here who believe in God sincerely mean it when they say God Bless you and you are in my prayers. I don't wear my belief on my sleeve but I'm not going to censor myself now or in the future if I feel like saying God Bless you to someone. If it bothers you tough sh*t.
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Once my mind is made up, just like the others here, there's no flip flopping. I'm still lost, hurt, and learning as I go. All I can do is keep reading.
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Thank you ALL for your thoughts. Just knowing others have been where I've been and seen what I've seen, is a major relief. Your kind words of support, encouragement and understanding mean the world to me right now.

I do NOT take any offence with ppl offering blessings. How could I, when God has remove my obsession for alcohol? Almost Every step in the 12 steps of AA, are based on God, with the exception of step 1.

This post was a mistake as I was way too broad in my comments. Which made so many truly caring ppl feel their heartfelt comments, on this site, where seen as offensive and/or sincerity questionable. I deeply apologize for that. You didn't deserve my rant. Actually I should have kept my mouth shut, period.

But since I opened the flood gates, let me explain....

What I do find offensive is when someone gives a blessing in one post and blasts someone else in another, without provocative. That's why I used the scripture. Real God fearing folks do NOT pick and choose when to play the God card, and who is "worthy" of their blessings. It's so obvious it's based on whether they like the person or not. So that shows me, the God card is just an image builder, it's not who one truly is.

But I am just one person, and my observations miniscule, in the grand scheme of this site. So if it don't Apply, let it Fly.😉

Again,This post was a mistake. I've become an emotionally basketcase. All the plans we had for my Mother's recovery are now, out the window. She's going on hospice, and I'm devastated. I never felt what I'm feeling now, and I misdirected my anguish. I focused on the little BS here, instead of the real feelings I'm experiencing. I forget, when I point the finger at others, there are three pointing back at me.👉
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Pepsee, I have to disagree about a real Christian doesn't do that, scripture talks about righteous anger. So you see, I can Bless one unknown person and blast another post of an unknown person and be a genuine Christian. Scripture also tells us not to judge one another. You are scared and striking out. That's okay, we all have done it. Please, do not base all Christian beliefs on 12 step alone, there is a whole big Bible book full of Gods words and promises. May He give you strength in this trying journey you are walking.
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Pepsee sent you a little message.
Take care
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Pepsee, I'm sorry you feel the need to apologize for your rant, but I agree with you that it was lacking in detail. Next time you want to call someone out just go ahead and do it, beating around the bush just gets everyone second guessing what they've said and seldom reaches the targeted audience because they are generally either self righteous or oblivious. (Just my humble opinion)
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Amen, cwillie!!!

I use to tell my managers that - back in the day when I was still a working stiff.

Dont give “corrective feedback” in broad or general terms. The “offending” person almost never recognizes themselves as the culprit.
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