I'm not leaving....
When Mom came to live with me I was lost, hurt, alone and very afraid. I started googling her symptoms and looking for answers. I was desperate. I came across questions like mine and answers from ppl on this site. I was amazed at the knowledge, compassion and identification I found here. I was addicted to this site!
I read for weeks, literally day and night, before I finally got up the nerve to ask for help.
I did not mind being open and honest with my Mom's plight. I felt you would understand what she AND I were facing. And thankfully you did. The response was amazing. I thought, thank God for this site and these wonderful ppl.
I stuck around as I dealt with Mom because I felt safe here. No longer alone. You felt like a LifeLine as Mom got worse. I needed you.
As I continued to read questions, I realized I had something to offer. I did not give advice on things I had no experience with. It felt good to be able to give back and help the next person reaching out. AA teaches us this. However, I started to notice when a regular member would answer first, the rest of the regulars would conform and follow suit..... don't do it....do it.....leave him....call the authorities...on and on.
I didn't think much about it, but gave my suggestions from my own way of thinking. My individual experiences and out comes. What I've been taught and what ive struggled with & already worked through.
I was humbly forced to back up my comments and prove I've experienced my advice. When I did ....lay it all out, I figured I was doing it in a safe place, with understanding ppl....Like in a no judgement zone. That was a joke.
I guess there's a dominating clique in every group. Ppl feel possessive of a place and claim it as their own. No room for differing thoughts, Opposing views.
Open mindedness is a valuable asset, as it keeps me learning and growing. Shunning only shows insecurities. It's glaringly obvious any love and support here is extremely conditional. That's pretty sad.
I really get a kick out of the phoney " God bless you" comments and biblical quotes. Cherry picking at it's finest. Don't use God to try to make yourself look like your something your not. Giving a blessing is 💯 percent about the other person. Not thrown around to glorify your image. If it came from the heart, you'd heed His other teachings.
*There is no blessing in being good to ppl you like. No, the blessing comes in being good to those you do not like.* "Or"
*What you do on to the least of you, you do on to me.*
Being a good person is NOT always easy. If it's easy we're not doing it right.
Well, I did not come here to conform. I came to get help and hopefully help others. If that has cause *the clique* to turn their backs on me, when I'm asking for help, feeling my heart's being crushed....then there it is. Actions ALWAYS speak louder then words. Ppl will rarely remember what we said, but always remember what we did.
I do not want or need any phoney justificatory comments. I just needed to say, you read like an open book.
God Bless And may peace be with you.
Pepsee
I post usually on something that I have lived through be it now or something that happened to me in the past (in my 30's Mom used to tell me I had lived the life of a 70 year old...smile). I am a what you see is what you get type of person and I hope I have never come across as judgmental or insincere to you or anyone here on the forum. I care but I know that, being human, I may come across in the wrong way and if so I hope someone asks me to clarify what I said.
I did not see why you need to apologize. There are a wonderful bunch of people on this site (I know I say it a lot but it is sooo true). I am fairly new having joined this forum a few months ago, though my situation with my honey has not changed an extreme amount the thoughts, suggestions and shoulders to cry on definitely saved my life. I am still struggling with anxiety attacks but am holding strong on the boundaries with my honey. I could not have done this if not for this forum. I have not seen the "clicks" that you talk about so I can't respond on that part.
You have a hard row to hoe (as the old saying goes) ahead of you though you already have been through so much. Please keep us posted. And don't hesitate to post to vent, ask for advice or just need a shoulder to cry on.
Take care and I do agree with Tacy... you should start a thread about your hospice experience. I may not post on it as other than with my Mom and Dad I have not experienced it. Back when Mom and Dad needed hospice they did not have it like they do today or maybe it was called something else.
I am so sorry for the anguish that you are feeling regarding your Mom. This is definitely one of the hardest things in life to go through. I truly will be praying for you and your Mom. This is rough. Rely on God as you already know HIS strength.
It was kind of you to explain your post, but it is truly ok. You have way more important things to deal with, and my heart goes out to you.
I'm sorry if I came back at you harshly, but I have imperfections just like everyone does. We are all works in process right?
I'm sorry for the sadness you are feeling right now. I've been there. Most of us on here have or are going to eventually. Keep posting and if you see me on here God Blessing someone one day and telling someone tough sh*t the next, it's just cause I'm human.
The problem with writing things down for others to read is that others read only the words and can’t hear the emotions or sentiments behind them. We don’t live in your house with you nor you with us. We take each other at our word(s) and I guess sometimes those words can be misunderstood.
No matter what, we will always be here for you and everyone else.
I'm so sorry to hear of your mother having to go on hospice. It sounds like you had high hopes for her recovery. You certainly are her best advocate. I'm sure you are filled with sadness and hopelessness. Often we misdirect our feelings in times of stress because we don't know how to process them.
If I may give a suggestion, it's better to write too much and explain yourself than not write enough and leave people to figure out what you meant. I always re-read my posts before posting them. [Doing that right now ;)]
You have some real valuable thoughts and opinions but you need to explain yourself and give a bit of background. We have a window into your life that you've given us. The more we know Pepsee, the more we'll understand how and why you post certain opinions. It's good to address a problem you have with a 'particular' person in a private chat.
Everyone's situation is different. Some posters need reassurance, some need a boot in the butt to get motivated to change their situation. So, sometimes those of us who use religious sentiments for one poster may lambaste another poster for asking for help then not taking the suggestions from people who have 'been there and done that'. They keep whining but don't seem to want to do anything about it. That frustrates most of us because we take a lot of time to think and write out answers, only to feel like we've been spinning our wheels. Often posters will give a "knee-jerk" response.
Blessings should be for EVERYBODY who comes on this site looking for help. Most people are hurting in some way.
There's one thread I'm following where the person seems to remain in the same (very unfortunate) situation, even with many good suggestions to change things. Fortunately, she clarified a few details as the thread goes on.
It's a lot easier to make suggestions if posters would give history, background on the problem and what they've tried to fix it. Some board members post "heated" comments when the person seems to be mistreated, especially if THEY have been mistreated themselves.
I believe, in the upcoming days, you will need the support of many here who have experienced the pain you now have with your sick mother. So I'm glad you're sticking around. So am I, because I need the support of this board with my mother also.
Please take EACH post as what was meant from the person posting. Don't cross reference what they say on a different post. I can be happy one minute and be a bear the next (just ask my hubby!).
I hope you find hospice to be helpful. They will bring many items to make your mother more comfortable. They usually are available 24/7, so if you have questions or can't cope at any time, give them a call. There are a couple (few) of us hospice nurses on the board who might be able to help you navigate the system. You won't be going through this alone.
May God bless you and your mom on her journey. (I really mean it.) :)
I use to tell my managers that - back in the day when I was still a working stiff.
Dont give “corrective feedback” in broad or general terms. The “offending” person almost never recognizes themselves as the culprit.
Take care
I do NOT take any offence with ppl offering blessings. How could I, when God has remove my obsession for alcohol? Almost Every step in the 12 steps of AA, are based on God, with the exception of step 1.
This post was a mistake as I was way too broad in my comments. Which made so many truly caring ppl feel their heartfelt comments, on this site, where seen as offensive and/or sincerity questionable. I deeply apologize for that. You didn't deserve my rant. Actually I should have kept my mouth shut, period.
But since I opened the flood gates, let me explain....
What I do find offensive is when someone gives a blessing in one post and blasts someone else in another, without provocative. That's why I used the scripture. Real God fearing folks do NOT pick and choose when to play the God card, and who is "worthy" of their blessings. It's so obvious it's based on whether they like the person or not. So that shows me, the God card is just an image builder, it's not who one truly is.
But I am just one person, and my observations miniscule, in the grand scheme of this site. So if it don't Apply, let it Fly.😉
Again,This post was a mistake. I've become an emotionally basketcase. All the plans we had for my Mother's recovery are now, out the window. She's going on hospice, and I'm devastated. I never felt what I'm feeling now, and I misdirected my anguish. I focused on the little BS here, instead of the real feelings I'm experiencing. I forget, when I point the finger at others, there are three pointing back at me.👉
I have to disagree with you though. I think most people on here who believe in God sincerely mean it when they say God Bless you and you are in my prayers. I don't wear my belief on my sleeve but I'm not going to censor myself now or in the future if I feel like saying God Bless you to someone. If it bothers you tough sh*t.
I can't say that you are attacking MY posts personally because my name isn't on it but I DO often tell a person "God bless you." (and really mean it, by the way), so I guess I qualify for the label "phoney". That is personally offensive. It MEANS something to me to say (write) it and also when someone says (types) it to me. It's sad that it offends you. I actually say a prayer right at the computer when I tell them I will pray for them. I am not "using" God to be something I'm not. I believe what I say and I will NOT apologize for what I've said.
This is your comment;
"I really get a kick out of the phoney " God bless you" comments and biblical quotes. Cherry picking at it's finest. Don't use God to try to make yourself look like your something your not. Giving a blessing is 💯 percent about the other person. Not thrown around to glorify your image. If it came from the heart, you'd heed His other teachings."
Then you ended your post with;
God Bless And may peace be with you.
Pepsi
What's with that? Didn't you just call that "phoney"?
You posted, "I really get a kick out of the phoney " God bless you" comments and biblical quotes."
Yet you "biblically quoted" Matthew 25:40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
What's with that? We can't but you can?
I just commented to a man's post who's wife is dying. I brought up the afterlife (Heaven or whatever he believed) as a point of hope. I didn't choke it down his throat. I was trying to comfort him. He could respond, which he did-with faith in God. He could have just ignored the post or gotten mad at me. I took the gamble that what I wrote would be of some assistance to his mental state. I have held the hand of many a dying patient and prayed with some of them too. I suppose that you think was fake also?
Usually I don't discuss "religion" but, in forums such as this, with pain and suffering all about us, SOME people may be comforted by these words. If you don't agree with a sentiment, disregard it but don't tell me I'm phoney.
Unspoken thoughts, that are conveyed in typed words, are often difficult to get the "feel" of what the poster wanted to convey. I certainly got your message.
I am not condemning you for your opinion, even though I don't share it. This forum has been immensely helpful. However, I'm going to take a break from the site for awhile, as I may be one of the "possessive" posters in the "clique". I need to re-examine my style of writing and what I say.
I would like to say that when I mention scripture or God, it is not something I say or talk about in passing, He is my life and I try to live as he wants me to. I mean it when I say I will be praying for someone, because I do it faithfully.
But, I cannot speak without speaking of God, because I cannot seperate Him out of my life at will, it is either all or nothing. I am sorry if someone has offended you. And I do hope you keep posting.
I took offense to the post about why new carers didn't take the advice of the more experienced, something to that nature. I tend to just type, instead of mulling it over for a bit. Such as now. First, how do they know we haven't taken the advice...
Anyway, I wanted to say that you bring a fresh perspective and I TRULY APPRECIATE YOU BEING HERE AND BEING THE PERSON YOU ARE!
Just a few thoughts. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. I don't follow every thread, and I'm not sure which discussion or discussions you were referring to, but this group as a whole is kind, sympathetic, and willing to offer suggestions when help is asked for. That being said, a whole lot of emotion comes into play during these discussions and sometimes unintended triggering and hurt feelings result. When people correspond in a written form, we don't have the benefit of seeing each other's expressions or hearing the inflection of tone in our voices. Maybe it's better to extend the benefit of the doubt. If anyone really does get snarky, we can always ignore them, right?
In regard to religious remarks, platitudes, scripture quoting, etc, I don't generally use those here, even though I am a spiritual person. If I make a reference to God, it's only because I see and interpret the world through a lens of Christian thought and feeling. When I or someone else says "God bless you," it's generally meant as a sincere expression of good will, i.e. "may good things come your way" and not an imposition of one's religion. You might consider taking it in that spirit, or not.
Again, I do enjoy your posts and I'm glad you mean to "stay." Wishing you the best!
The charge was headed by a prominent “old timer” and in the flick of a Bic EVERYONE was pig piling on me - handing me my azz.
My favorite roasting was done by someone who blamed me for the annoying alerts she was getting for the new replies - when in fact I had stopped posted for at least a day and the alerts were for “clique members” who were continuing to have a go at me.
I was devastated. In fact, I went radio silent for a few months while I licked my wounds and pondered if I should continue to come here to AgingCare.
That was nearly three years ago and as you can see - I’m still here, too.
Ive had my azz handed to me a couple of times since that first time but I’ve toughened up a bit and it doesn’t really bother me much anymore. I think it’s the price one pays when they’re a free thinker and see the value in being a straight shooter.
These days im not posting nearly as much as I use to but it’s more from trying to distance myself from my bad memories of my caregiving years than anything having to do with the folks here.
Bottom line - there are some wonderful, caring, giving people here who really are in it to help and give back. And bottom line - I honestly feel this site saved my charbroiled azz and my sanity. I don’t think I would have survived those last couple- really tough caregiving years without having this place - and these folks - to turn to.
Hang in there - it’s worth it.
I think people do tend to echo one another when they agree with an earlier poster, because it's a lot easier than repeating the same idea in different words. I know I do. I can't think of a single poster I agree with all the time though. I have exchanged unpleasant words with a few people here, but not any of the regulars, that I can recall.
Anyway, I'm sorry if anyone here has offended you, and I'm happy you're not leaving.
I do know that I am just a regular ol person, keeping my self out of trouble.
I was really scared to post here. I originally came to ask a question. but I haven't done it yet. I have no idea if anything I post helps anyone. I am no expert on anything.
sometimes if I read someones post. I may interpret it very different than someone else. that's just how I am. I don't ever seem to be on the same channel....ive always kinda been like that. im very serious/responsible person. but at the same time kinda goofy. so if someone wants to correct me or put me in the corner, that's ok. :)
I know that I have ended my posts with a "God Bless", but only because I felt the poster needed a little boost. Please don't take that as a sign of forcing my religious beliefs on anyone, it's only showing that I care.
Us old timer's aren't in a clique perse', as we are just as anonymous as the next one, but sometimes our answers do become repetitive, as the shoe fits, as we have learned through trial and error, that these methods are the ones that Generally work best, so you might often hear the same answer.
I do try, to only share my own point of view, on those subjects that I have some knowledge of, unfortunately I have seen 4 parents to the grave, and have been involved in all of their care, their diagnosis all completely different of one another.
Sometimes I feel my time here has come to an end, and yet because of the community of caring that I received when I needed it the most, I keep coming back, to see how my cyber friends are doing, and to see if I can offer a newbie, some sage advice.
Please, never leave, as you have great instincts as a carer, and you offer a fresh approach and great advice, from what I've read so far! You take care!
Pepsee, so sorry. I have seen some posts lately that have been a little judgemental to some posters. I have learn that there are a few who say it like it is. I figure thats their personalities coming thru. Its really hard to write posts and hope you don't offend anyone. I have not noticed anyone being judgemental to you but then I read a lot of posts. Again, sorry if I or anyone has offended you,
There are people on this board who’ve been here for 5 years or more. If we’re in a “clique”, it’s certainly not one we opted into. We share this difficult and stressful job of caregiving for our loved one’s. We all have different experiences that we share and share what worked for us to possibly help someone else. For myself, my husband is bedridden. I do all but feed him. I would certainly rather be living the life of the Seniors in the television ads, nice clothes, perfect hair and make-up, big house, lunches with friends, cruises, flea markets...but that wasn’t in my cards. If I have helped even one poster with my experiences and advice, I’m satisfied. But, if I have ever insulted or hurt one, I’m devastated.
To my knowledge, Pepsee, no one has asked you to leave and no one expects you to. If you’re having a particularly stressful time, well, I’ll keep you close in my thoughts.
If you are feeling snubbed understand that sometimes a question/discussion just doesn't resonate with people, it is outside their life experiences.
I've been on this site for a few years and I've come to "know" a lot of the old timers. Although I'm sure I would never be friends with them in the real world there are some whose comments show they think like I do, there are others whose comments are always coloured by their own past experiences so are on a different wavelength than I am but we can respectfully disagree. There are a very few I avoid altogether. Kinda like the real world after all, isn't it?