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My Mom is in the final stages of dementia and hasn't eaten for over a week. She hasn't been conscious for same length of time. She began the death rattle 5 days ago. Hospice expected her to pass away three days ago but she is still clinging on. I am beyond stressed. I have told her all the end of life loving things and assured her I will be taken care of, I love her, go ahead and let go, etc. A nurse wonders if Mom has some unfinished business perhaps with my estranged brother. I left him a voice mail asking him to call and played an old upbeat voice mail from him to Mom yet she continues to hold on. Any advice?

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I'm so sorry you are experiencing such a difficult death, but it appears you have done all the things "experts" recommend. I would try singing, but then singing has always been something my family likes, particularly my parents. Some of my fondest memories are sitting around the fire singing with my father or my mother singing as she did household chores. As my mother's conversation powers decreased with her MCI, we would sing those songs I learned while she did housework every day. She didn't participate during her last days but seemed to like being sung to and passed peacefully in her sleep.
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It's hard I know. I was told by hospice that my husband would be dead in 3 days, and that turned into 41 days. Every person is different, as is their dying journey. It sounds like you have said all that you need to, so now just be there for her, and let her know that she is not alone. When God is ready for her, he will take her home. I pray for Gods peace and comfort to be with you in the days, weeks and months ahead.
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You have done what you can. You are at the end and it will be only days your Mom is still struggling. The body lets go in its own time. There is no time now for business that was unfinished in life. I am sorry for the struggle. I am glad you have the support of hospice. See to it that they administer medications now that keep Mom sedated and comfortable, without physical distress and struggle. Your mother should have some respite from your presence also. While, as a nurse I did not see people seem to hang on awaiting a prodigal son or daughter, I often DID see them struggle to hang on while family was at the bedside; they often made a final slipping out when family was not present. Distressing to the family, but for the elder, often finally left to attend to the business they are about.
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Don't feel you have to sit with her all the time. If God so wills and she passes away when you're not physically in the room, that will not be terrible for either her or you - it perhaps feels as if it would be, but no. Why should it?

If you must be present, knit or read or whatever activity will best occupy your mind without claiming all of it.

Your brother is not your responsibility. Neither is seeing your mother over the finish line. That will happen by itself when she is ready.

The waiting is very hard on you, don't make it harder by believing you can control how long it goes on.
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So sorry your mom is going through a difficult end of life journey. And for you, waiting is just as difficult. I hope her estranged son will call her. I am guessing that it's her unfinished business. Replay the voicemail from him daily to see if that helps her.
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I would again call brother. Ask that he please call just so Mom can hear his voice. All he needs to say is he is alright. That its OK for her to move on. If he doesn't want to say I love you, or forgive me, or I forgive you, thats OK.

My Mom passed 20 min after my disabled nephew visited her. He was the last person who needed to visit. He held her hand and talk to her. I sang her favorite hymn. We said goodbye. The Nurse says she sees this all the time. Has even gone as far as having a phone put up to the persons ear so a son who lives far away can say goodbye. When this happens, the person passes.
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It can take time, but the body will go when it's ready to go. "Unfinished business" isn't a thing, but it would be nice if your brother called. Some people can't do it, though, so don't blame him. People handle grief in different ways.
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My mother was put into the transition phase of hospice over a month ago. She has gone in and out of lucidity during that time. I was advised on September 28 that I needed to go to AL because she was having difficulty breathing. She is now eating small bites of food, although still weak and bedridden. I have gone from visiting 2 times per week to 1 time per week because it is a drive, and I know she is in good hands and there is nothing I can add to her well-being. I have told her everything from how much I love her to how much she has contributed to my success in life. I have told her it is okay to let go. As others have said, the body lets go when it lets go. I really don't think you can do anything to change that process.

I know it is extremely painful to see your mother go through this. I am so heartbroken every time I see my mother. Just know that you have done everything you can to enhance her life.
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When my husband was dying the nurse told me the last sense to leave was the sense of hearing. I spoke to him and asked him to squeeze my hand if he could hear me and he did.
so I would encourage those going through this stage to remember this.
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Pray and keep telling her you love her and have a Pastor, Preacher, Chaplain, Priest come by for a visit.
Read the Bible to her about Jesus died on the cross fir her and all her sins are forgiven and when she wakes up you'll see her in Heaven.
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DrLokvig Nov 2021
You're assuming that's her belief system. I've had clients who would have bounced back to life in anger if someone had done that to them.
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I have been at many a deathbed as a RN. People die when they are ready. If family haven't visited, get them all over to say good bye. If they have pets, homes, worries about the things left undone.... promise to take care of these issues. I had one patient who was neurologically dead, she passed within an hour after having last rites. So if your mom usually finds comfort in faith, ask a pastor or priest to come by and pray with her. Some folks want everybody around them when they pass and will wait until all are gathered. Some want to be alone and will wait until everybody is out of the room.

Since it has been a week of no food (no water?), she won't last much longer.
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It sounds like you've done all you can about your brother, so, I suggest you focus on yourself and Mom. If you have a CD player, you can put it on "repeat" to play her favorite music. - You can tell her stories from your life or anything you think she might enjoy. Unless you're absolutely sure about the issues with your brother, I wouldn't "push" it. It could be very disturbing to all of you.

On the other hand, if you think she'd really like to hear from him and he doesn't respond, tell her that he called to tell her how much he loves her.

One of my elder friends looked like she was at death's door in her early nineties; she was put on and hospice, but bounced back. This happened four times before she finally passed away at age 103.
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I don't go on this site much but happened to see your post when I went on today.

First, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can understand how you must feel.

I sat with my mom for 13 LONG days and nights in hospice (in a hospital setting) witnessing her in excruciating pain. I was told she would pass "shortly" but it took almost two weeks while I stayed there. It was grueling, to say the least.

Whenever I would leave my mom's room for a minute, I would always tell her (even though she was apparently "unconscious-yet screaming in pain) I was leaving for a few minutes. This way, if she wanted to go without me seeing her, she could.

On Christmas Day, 2018, I sang her favorite song to her, brushed the hair from her face, kissed her head and told her it was okay to go and she was going to a beautiful place. I told her we would be okay and that it's time to leave.

I looked up (from looking down at the bed) and my mom had tears running down her face. (She had not shown any sign of emotion other than screaming in pain for the last 13 days and nights). I was shocked to see her crying! My mom then sighed and took her last breath with me holding her in my arms. It was a beautiful thing.

I have to be honest...I was relieved that she finally went and elated she went peacefully at that last moment.

If I can be of any comfort to you, please know you can count on me even though I don't know you. This is the hardest thing you are going through and bless you for being there for your mom. There's nothing more you can do. It's in the Lord's hands now.
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Momheal1 Nov 2021
Thank you for sharing your hard but beautiful story.
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I too have seen this and don't know the answer - be patient. If she came this far, that time will come all too soon.
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I was with my mom the night she died; she had been in the hospital 2 weeks fighting sepsis brought on by dialysis. I had been her caregiver for almost 3 years. I put my hand on her arm and she would move it away. She was beginning her transition and didn’t want anything earthly stopping it.
Your mother is holding on and will let her transition begin when she is ready. Be patient. You have been so special to stay with her. My suggestion is to not play her sons voice. Just you speak to her gently. Nothing to stop the transition.
with love and light to you both
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Ask for an extra dose of morphine so she won't be in pain from the death rattle.
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BernerMom,
Is your Mom at home?
Have your dogs said goodbye?
Have you been able to walk your dogs when hospice is there?

I don't think that we can be in control of someone else's passing, but instead need to continue the daily activities of living, even in the middle of our grief, as we are letting go.
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Was she religious? I found old prayers and reminding my Dad that he was about to see his mother again helped. You need someone to comfort you!
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BernerMom: Imho, perhaps she is attempting to hold on for whatever unfinished business that she does have with your brother. Prayers sent for this most difficult of times.
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Don't try to "plan" your mother's passing. Don't take literally anybody else's expectations for her time of death. She will go when she is ready.
If your brother knows of his mom's condition, leave it up to him whether to visit or not. It may not seem like it to you, but whatever his relationship with your mother, her death will be hard for him, believe me. Let him be guided by his own conscience.

Some people suggest giving the dying person "permission to go". I have also been at many deathbeds and I don't think this advice is of value in all cases. When my father passed away, my brother felt compelled to give him "permission". My brother felt this was the right thing to do. I'd never known my father to ask anybody's "permission" to do anything! But my brother felt it was helpful...and I guess it was, for my brother!

Dying is, I think, like life itself, a highly individual process. Let your mother know you are with her and that you love her. That's really the best you can do for her now.
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