My Mom is in the final stages of dementia and hasn't eaten for over a week. She hasn't been conscious for same length of time. She began the death rattle 5 days ago. Hospice expected her to pass away three days ago but she is still clinging on. I am beyond stressed. I have told her all the end of life loving things and assured her I will be taken care of, I love her, go ahead and let go, etc. A nurse wonders if Mom has some unfinished business perhaps with my estranged brother. I left him a voice mail asking him to call and played an old upbeat voice mail from him to Mom yet she continues to hold on. Any advice?
If your brother knows of his mom's condition, leave it up to him whether to visit or not. It may not seem like it to you, but whatever his relationship with your mother, her death will be hard for him, believe me. Let him be guided by his own conscience.
Some people suggest giving the dying person "permission to go". I have also been at many deathbeds and I don't think this advice is of value in all cases. When my father passed away, my brother felt compelled to give him "permission". My brother felt this was the right thing to do. I'd never known my father to ask anybody's "permission" to do anything! But my brother felt it was helpful...and I guess it was, for my brother!
Dying is, I think, like life itself, a highly individual process. Let your mother know you are with her and that you love her. That's really the best you can do for her now.
Is your Mom at home?
Have your dogs said goodbye?
Have you been able to walk your dogs when hospice is there?
I don't think that we can be in control of someone else's passing, but instead need to continue the daily activities of living, even in the middle of our grief, as we are letting go.
Your mother is holding on and will let her transition begin when she is ready. Be patient. You have been so special to stay with her. My suggestion is to not play her sons voice. Just you speak to her gently. Nothing to stop the transition.
with love and light to you both
First, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can understand how you must feel.
I sat with my mom for 13 LONG days and nights in hospice (in a hospital setting) witnessing her in excruciating pain. I was told she would pass "shortly" but it took almost two weeks while I stayed there. It was grueling, to say the least.
Whenever I would leave my mom's room for a minute, I would always tell her (even though she was apparently "unconscious-yet screaming in pain) I was leaving for a few minutes. This way, if she wanted to go without me seeing her, she could.
On Christmas Day, 2018, I sang her favorite song to her, brushed the hair from her face, kissed her head and told her it was okay to go and she was going to a beautiful place. I told her we would be okay and that it's time to leave.
I looked up (from looking down at the bed) and my mom had tears running down her face. (She had not shown any sign of emotion other than screaming in pain for the last 13 days and nights). I was shocked to see her crying! My mom then sighed and took her last breath with me holding her in my arms. It was a beautiful thing.
I have to be honest...I was relieved that she finally went and elated she went peacefully at that last moment.
If I can be of any comfort to you, please know you can count on me even though I don't know you. This is the hardest thing you are going through and bless you for being there for your mom. There's nothing more you can do. It's in the Lord's hands now.
On the other hand, if you think she'd really like to hear from him and he doesn't respond, tell her that he called to tell her how much he loves her.
One of my elder friends looked like she was at death's door in her early nineties; she was put on and hospice, but bounced back. This happened four times before she finally passed away at age 103.
Since it has been a week of no food (no water?), she won't last much longer.
Read the Bible to her about Jesus died on the cross fir her and all her sins are forgiven and when she wakes up you'll see her in Heaven.
so I would encourage those going through this stage to remember this.
I know it is extremely painful to see your mother go through this. I am so heartbroken every time I see my mother. Just know that you have done everything you can to enhance her life.
My Mom passed 20 min after my disabled nephew visited her. He was the last person who needed to visit. He held her hand and talk to her. I sang her favorite hymn. We said goodbye. The Nurse says she sees this all the time. Has even gone as far as having a phone put up to the persons ear so a son who lives far away can say goodbye. When this happens, the person passes.
If you must be present, knit or read or whatever activity will best occupy your mind without claiming all of it.
Your brother is not your responsibility. Neither is seeing your mother over the finish line. That will happen by itself when she is ready.
The waiting is very hard on you, don't make it harder by believing you can control how long it goes on.