Alzheimer's and sex drive. Is this a normal phase that will pass?

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Alzheimer's and sex drive. Is this a normal phase that will pass?

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Hi. My first time asking a question too. My husband is in I think stage 3 of Alz. He is so often the man I married 60 years ago but I know that he is really the Alz person with him showing up occasionally. Anyway, all he thinks about is sex....he talks about it all the time and is always fondling me when he gets close. I am 80 years old, tired, and it isn't going to happen. He is understanding and fine with that. We have had the most wonderful married life, We still love each other deeply. My question is, is this a normal phase and will it pass? Please tell me yes.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Behavior Change Sex

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Its a normal phase and happens to many with Alzheimers. He can become even more active sexually or even engage in embarrassing activities. The doctor may be able to give you something to help sreduce his feelings of desire. Remember, he's not responsible for how the disease is affecting him. Saying no again and again may or may not have the desired affect. I'd encourage you to meet with a support group at least a few times to learn more about the various phases of the disease so you don't become overwhelmed. You are not alone; this is not an unusual response.

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As a recently retired geriatric clinical staff member I saw many men and women very preoccupied with sex. Some actually stalking other residents. Some severely sexual in halls and dining rooms…and needed medical interventions with meds. It is really a tough issue. I would immediately discuss this with his doctor. I am so sorry this is happening..

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My understanding is that the description you give is more fitting to "FrontoTemoral Dementia" with the sex drive stuff. Check it out.

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From what I've heard from others, this is kind of common. For some reason, there are folks with dementia who become obsessed in regard to thinking the spouse is having an affair with caregiver/nurse/dr or people who visit the home. A friend even gave very detailed description of catching husband in bed with his granddaughter (didn't happen because she wasn't even around at the time). The granddaughter was always very affectionate toward him - big hugs, sit close to him and lots of laughing/conversation when she visited. I suppose my friend's brain couldn't logically see it - she just saw another woman being too friendly with her husband.

Since he is still understanding that it isn't going to happen - just change the subject to something else if he starts talking about it. A man losing his current memory may be in a place (in his brain) where you were both affectionate physically.

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These answers are really shocking to me. Calling this man's desire to connect intimately with his wife "Inappropriate Sexual Behavior"? Wow. That's a "problem"? A whole lot of women have the opposite problem. A whole lot of men do too.

As if HE is the one with the problem who wants to make love with his wife? Good Lord. From the man's perspective, lovemaking is the glue that holds the relationship together. Without that, the relationship falls apart and at best becomes a "roommate" relationship, and at worst, the relationship fails.

I'm 30 years behind you, so keep that in mind with my advice. I don't know what it's like to be your age. But I know what it's like to be a married man. I know what it's like to want to make love to my wife and she rejects me (for whatever reason). And let me tell you, it hurts bad, and it does great harm to the relationship.

Regardless of what stage your husband is in the Dementia spectrum, he still has the same soul -- the same soul you married many years ago. I'm not judging you or your intimate details. That's between you and your husband. But come on, every man has a need for intimacy. He's seeking it from you, his WIFE. Give the man a break, and help him re-connect soul to soul with you. Sex is how men do it.

I know this is very different advice from the rest, but I thought you might want to hear it from a man's point of view.

Godspeed! I wish you and your husband happiness.

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usjet - I agree with what you said about men needing sex, BUT the OP is 80 years old. For many people at that age, they have no more desire, or strength to have sex (muscle loss, brittle bones, illnesses, etc.). OP is already an exhausted caregiver, sex for her is just out of the question.

I would be curious to know what percentage of people over 80 years old still have sex. Anyone knows?

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quibbi: Imho, his brain is diseased, but his hormones are not.

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men Need sex...and when its denied them, their desire & frustration builds over time
As you mentioned you love each other deeply. As you are aware love is about putting the others needs before our own wants. Our partner does the same for us. Then there is an overflow of love between you
Just as you mention he accepts your rejection with no malice. Bless him
Sexual desire is a sign of health & vitality...
perhaps you could compromise and find it in your heart to give him some sexual outlet regularly without going through the discomfort of complete physical interaction. This will calm the situation
Additionally there is a simple herb you can buy (either at the health food store or on amazon) called Vitex. .aka Chaste Berry. Dr Christophers or Gaia are both trustworthy brands
Monks for hundreds of years up until the 1940's chewed on the bark to reduce sexual desire. This made it easier to maintain their celibacy
The herb will not interfere or interact with any medications being taken>. Has no side effects or after effects at all
I suggest the tincture...1/2 tsp x 2 times daily before meals. Take 6 days a week. Rest on Sundays
Repeat.
It will take 2 or 3 weeks for the sex appetite to calm down
herbs are not drugs, so taken in their 'wholesome; (not standardized, no extra ingredients or additional active ingredients ) is harmless. Takes longer to work than drugs, however improves health, there by improving & regulating the body's delicate hormonal systems

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From what I have heard, sex drives in men with Alzheimers is high on the list of what goes on. I don't blame you - who in God's name would want sex at 80 with someone who has dementia, especially since you are worn out. No way. Just ignore him.

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Hi. With a brain injured patient sexual obsession can be a side effect. Some go the other way. Some eat more. Some less.
Bottom line is it is mostly driven by anxiety after the brain injury inc Alzheimer’s. These patients can often remember a closeness they shared with a particular person but cannot remember how to love them , only how to get close through sexual activity. This is really sad. They are unable to tell you how much they love you but are trying desperately to show you in their own way. To us a grope is a grope but to them they probably can only focus on reaching for the area that they remember used to turn you on.
For both your sakes, treatment is the answer. Fluoxetine ( Prozac) has been prescribed successfully to treat the anxiety that can cause these sexual advances.
Just grab his hand if he tries it again and cuddle him and kiss him and talk softly to him to let him know you still love him so.
He will settle down with the treatment. Bless him 😔 and Bless you. XX

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There is NO such thing as normal anymore in our world1 The correct word is Typical ! Typically EACH case is different and you need to have your husband see his therapist, psychologist, PC about ED and possibly try Viagra IF his Dr approves it & he has NO Heart or Heart Pressure or other realated problems, Have these experts tell you ! Prayers to You and enjoy every second God gives You two to be together!!!!!!1 Dr Jack Grenan

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Dr. Grenan, if you are, indeed, a physician, I’d think you’d have more empathy for this woman as well a better understanding of the conflicted feelings she has regarding sexual intimacy. She stated that at her advanced age, her husband’s incessant focus on sex was making her uncomfortable. It seems you lack sensitivity by suggesting she get him some viagra and become the focus of his inappropriate sexual behavior. She has every right to redirect the conversation and to find non-sexual ways of relating. If she’s his caregiver, the woman probably has more than enough on her plate. She clearly loves him and that love can have many meaningful expressions beyond being groped or pressured into sex due to the changes in her partner’s brain. Perhaps asking a dr or social worker about this topic would be more useful. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior can come out in other settings. It’s good to be aware so that he doesn’t become inappropriate with others.

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Considering my mother was single and like this at 80, I wonder if she ran into a single fellow like this what on earth they would do together. My heart goes out to you, when it becomes an obsession/problem, this condition is called ISB. Inappropriate Sexual Behavior. I did a lot of online searching and learned there was not much I could do about it, right about the time my mom stopped. In her case, it ended with a further fantasy of a rich and loving relationship that she breathlessly described, full background and ongoing stories of her nursing home lover, a 50 yr old man visiting his wife with his disabled daughter, who was divorcing so he and my mother could marry, and on and on. It was so realistic, I called the NH. There was no visitor even vaguely close to my mom's description, much less a lover. But SHE WAS SO EXCITED AND HAPPY. Knowing she was safe, I supported her in the delusion, which passed. My mom was a lifetime prude, very disapproving of "loose" women, so the 180 degree sex obsessed phase where she described, by name, the male staff raping and touching her, was also terrifying and concerning to us all. This period lasted about 8 months total, where a focus on, first, nonconsensual sex, fading to the fantasy man, finally subsided. It was a roller coaster. This disease is horrific and there is plenty of good advice here. You may find that trying to cuddle and substitute massage for sex will ramp him up for higher expectations. Please take care of you, first.

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First, my heart goes out to you. I hope my humble advice helps. Sex is actually a means of species to survive, and often when a person is in mental decline this seems to be the last thing to go. It can also become part of an OCD pattern in individuals with cognitive or behavioral issues, mental illness, or disease that affects the brain. Many Alzheimer's patients will obsess about sex as a means to deflect from the internal panic and confusion, rather than for the sex itself. The same goes for many BiPolar patients and Schizophrenic patients, who are sex-obsessed while in a manic episode, who are otherwise not so when in normal or depressive states. While it is flattering to be the object of your spouses desire, you still have a right to consensual sex with your spouse. The times to say "yes" are when your spouse is having very lucid moments, so that it will be meaningful. When they are sundowning, etc. it is best to just keep any contact in more of a nurturing role, hugging, hand-holding, just being there. Sex is important in connecting with your partner when they are lucid and mentally present. It can make you feel demeaned or even dare I say, "bullied" by your spouse if they push for sex when they are not really having clear thoughts or lucid, but might in fact be using you to self-soothe, like a baby would who just found their "new favorite toy". This isn't to say you might not have opportunities for a satisfying sexual experience with your spouse when they are having a good day or night. You might find it very comforting , as sex is for the most part non-verbal, and an easier way for men to show affection. Take Care.

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was married for over 62 years, because of prostrate problem did not have sex for a few years, but we caressed , fondled, kissed, wife developed memory loss , she loved the caressing and kissing that we gave each other.
one day she initiated the loving, but I refused, she did not bathed and I wanted her to take a shower, she refused and I was stubborn about it, a few days because we had an argument the staff at our assisted living place were we lived took her away from me and placed her in the Memory care section. I was able to visit her there , had breakfast, dinner and supper with her, bu not overnight visits,
She passed away a few months ago, I do regret of not sattisfing her when she wanted , I loved her and miss her very much.
My advice is try to be nice and good to each other, because life is too short

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Everyone is different.
He may just be reminiscing of the past and mostly all he can do now is talk about it and think about it.
I know you are tired but doesn't take much energy to listen. Just be happy that he still thinks of you in that way.
You can also learn to redirect the conversation.
Find things he enjoys doing.
Give him a massage once a week.
Maybe he is just missing the closeness of another human being.
Even being tired, you could lie down next to him to rest and cuddle.

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My husband lost interest in all sex when he developed AD. I miss our sex life. I have not had sex in 7 yrs and I am only 51.

Your husband is 80 and he’s horny. Let him watch porn, or watch it with him. Nothing wrong with that. It’s better than having him sexually frustrated and doing something illegal in public.

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This is fairly common side effect with severe brain injury. As with my young wife, unfortunately after her stroke.
Being a half glass-full person, at least it's predictable.

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if his advances are too much for you and he resists your efforts to tell him to stop, he has a problem.

If he is always talking about sex or starting to get involved in porn, he has a problem.

If he can not be directed to other activities or topics of discussion, he has a problem.

The problem is a thought obsession that he can not control. Please talk to his doctor for evaluation and treatment.

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The person with dementia is not the person with the problem. The brain is dying therefore the people around the person with the illness have to consult with a doctor. The only people who can willingly change their behaviors are the people without Alzheimer's.

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Some focus on sex, some not. I could not get my Husband to give me a hug at all! He did love to hold hands though.
You might be able to use some of his interest to your advantage.
A backrub any time is welcome.
You can also give him backrubs when you want to calm him or help him get to sleep. A bit of Lavender lotion will calm and relax him. Also the lotion is good for the skin.
But....
Only allow what you are comfortable with.
With dementia some inhibitions drop so do keep an eye on him. You don't need him exposing himself in public or making remarks in public. some of this can be difficult to control. If it becomes a problem do discuss it with his doctor.

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Oh my, the ying and yang of everything known to man! My husband has not thought of me as a Sex Goddess for 8 years! Still plenty of hugs, and kisses, just not the things that soap operas are made out of. LOL!

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Oh yes , I’ve seen this first hand. My mom’s friend who was in his early 80s and had Alzheimer’s, a few times , told my mom (also early 80s) to go upstairs to have sex with him. He said his ‘equipment’ still worked fine and that he just tested it out in the bathroom. He said all this in front of his wife and me.

What could I do but laugh and get my mom up to leave their home.

He did stopped talking sex eventually when he declined more and sleep most of the time.

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It's called ISB or inappropriate sexual behavior which is common with Alzheimer's and can expand into watching porno all the time and forcing himself on you. Call his doctor...there are meds to calm down his sexual appetite before it gets out of hand. Don't put up with any behavior that bothers you or feels off to you without asking his doctor or this forum for advice! Sometimes even the doctors don't have the answers! Go to Alz.org for good info and pick up a copy of The 36 Hour Day which is an excellent reference book to answer lots of questions for you.

Good luck and Godspeed

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I also highly recommend that book and to check out Teepa Snow.

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I have seen on this forum others post about this same challenge. I think you need to start with a discussion with his physician. It may be more an OCD thing than an actual hormonal sex drive thing, which means it may be able to be controlled with medication. It does seem to be a phase that doesn't last but I have no idea for how long. Blessings to you!

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Alzheimer's and sex drive. Is this a normal phase that will pass?

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