I have read so many entries suggesting that if you are having difficulties with caring for an elderly parent that it's time to consider a nursing home or assisted living. Sounds so easy but even on the power of attorney form it says it is only valid if 2 doctors declare her unable to make health care decisions. And as long as my mother can speak for herself and says she doesn't want to go to a nursing home then she doesn't have to. They will not admit someone against their will. So that leaves me stuck taking care of her. I love her but it's so demanding. She is 84 has fallen 3 times in last 6 months doesn't cook or clean. I can't just abandon her and let her die or fall. Why can't we just tell the nursing home that we can't do it anymore?
Not long after she fell trying to hide a protein shake on top of the wardrobe so staff wouldn't know she didn't drink it, broke her hip and from that point on she was in a wheelchair, unable to stand alone though, due to the dementia, she often tried to get out of bed, ended up on the floor and was taken to the ER.
There comes a time when skilled nursing care is needed 24/7. No one person can do it alone. In the nursing home my mother was clean, fed and safe and the staff were wonderful.
Sometimes we have to tell the people we love that we can't give them what they need, that it's beyond our capacity. It's not about how much or whether we love them, it's about self preservation. Have you had this conversation with your mother? What was her response ?
The thing is, your mother has every right to insist on remaining in her home. But she has no right at all, and no legal power, to force you to do the caregiving. So if you can't or you refuse to (easier said than done, I know), her remaining option is to buy in the services that she needs. Is that a possibility?
Many times our parents can be selfish and manipulative. They can also become so set in their ways that the idea of change is just unthinkable to them.
Your mother may be thinking that no sacrifice you could make could possibly equate to the hardship for her of having to go into a nursing home. Too any people give up relationships and jobs to care for elderly parents, then after their parents die they end up facing their own old age broke and alone.
Your mother will have to accept that her need for care cannot be allowed to take over your life. She either has to pay for help at home or go into a facility.
From what you've said, it seems to me the question of a nursing home might actually be moot. Clearly she can't afford to self-pay, and Medicaid has both medical and financial requirements to pay for long term care. The person has to need skilled nursing care. It sounds like your mother may not need that, although she may need short-term rehab after a fall injury or broken bone. It's not clear from what you said above whether your mother is rejecting long term nursing home placement or short term rehab (which Medicare will generally pay for after a period of hospitalization)
Are there Medicaid waiver programs in your state that she might be eligible for?
I've had several hip surgeries stemming from an accident as a child, and have a bad back. I could no longer lift her when she constantly fell and really couldn't leave the house. I'm an only child and there is no other family. I just couldn't cope any more and she wouldn't allow anyone else into the house.
She spent her last three years hiding in her room, refusing to interact with the other residents or partake in activities, plotting and planning how she could get someone to take her in and wait on her hand and foot (for free of course), all the while yelling at me on the phone every day - 18 months in and on the verge of a nervous breakdown I changed my phone number and made it unlisted.
I continued to visit and run her errands, though I dreaded it, stomach in knots and feeling unwell for a day or two after. She'd run off any friends she had though one woman visited maybe 3 times a year and she was convinced she'd go live with her as every day would be like the rare visiting day ... presents and undivided attention.
My mother passed in September and, after a lifetime of abuse, I was glad she was gone and I was finally free.
That is wonderful progress. Beneath her fear and need, she was able to see what you would be giving up. It was so good you could be emotionally honest. I am taking care of my mother and my career is on the skids. I am enjoying many of the days, however, because my mother had PSTD and mental illness in her middle years, refusing visits, so only now, I am catching up on spending time with her. Its not a good time to get out of the workforce; in your fifties! And you need to protect your relationship, and enjoy it. I hope your brother can find the balance he needs and get some time away from Mom. Good luck with everything. I was touched by your story and hope all goes smoothly as possible. This elderly care business is much more involving than I ever thought it would be. Sigh. Fill us in if there are bumps in the road or if you have good news you would like to share.
I currently have a herniated disk, so I really would be in trouble if she was still here.
Please take care of yourself first, it's a lesson I had to learn the hard way but it's all worked out well, thank the Lord.
I your Mom is a fall risk, then she needs to be somewhere safe. You may want to talk to two of her doctors. Tell them the situation and that u can't be there 24/7. Then talk to her telling her the same thing. That its time she goes into an AL or nursing facility. You can't do it all.