I am 42, my father is 81 and my mother is 78. Eight or nine years ago they did what a lot of seniors do after working hard all their life, they decided to move to another area. They lived in the DC area for over 50 years and decided to go down to North Carolina. They moved to a town that a church couple they knew had moved to, figuring these were their friends and this would be an enjoyable time. My parents bought a new construction home, moved down, and proceeded to pal around with this couple basically eating out and shopping, and going to church. Well a few years into the new move, the wife of the couple died. Of course the friendship between my parents and this couple went away as well. My mother and the lady were the real friends in this situation. To get to the point, after this occurred my father started to show obvious signs of dementia, forgetfulness and unable to string together sentences. My parents moved five hours away so of course my siblings and I only knew partially what was going on. Typical of many parents, my mother wasn't very open. Well now obviously things have worsened with my father. He is basically a shell of himself. He can eat and talk and walk, but he's out of it. He does remember his wife and children thankfully, but he is incontinent, talks out of his head 99% of the time and early in the mornings and in the evenings wanders through their house in another world. He has diabetes and other chronic health issues, and my mother battles daily to give his insulin, and he refuses to take other medication. My husband and I travel down there maybe 3 or 4 times a year and it's getting to be a miserable experience. I hate going down there now. One sibling has three children, job struggles, and never goes down. He has his constant excuses for why, and I am learning that this is just the way some siblings are and it's a waste of time being frustrated. My other sibling has basically been the problem child all his life, won't keep a job, currently staying with a friend, so basically homeless. If my parents were still in the area he would be living with them. I guess I want to express that I want to be there for my parents. I have gone back and forth about moving where they are. But I don't want to throw my own life in an upheaval. I struggle with emotional problems, have just lost my job, and have a husband (no children) who I don't want to stress out any more than I already have. I am angry with my parents for moving so far away, to a place with no family, no one who would truly look out for them. They bought this huge house which is now unmanageable. Sometimes when I am talking to my mother I want to yell at her that they need to move back but I know she is under so much strain and don't want to do that to her. But I am truly stressed out right now. One of my fears is my mother will get sick, or pass away before my father. Then what?!?
I can't run up and down the road looking after them. I know I would break down. I don't know what to do.
I guess I am looking for moral support. Thank you.
We also moved away and I moved my mother to be near us. In our case it was a move from NY to SC. I have not regretted that move at all. I am an only child. In many situations with siblings there is one offspring who feels as though they are an only child.
It would seem that with the sale of your parents home there would be money for AL. Of course I don't know their financial situation but with all you describe I think you all might benefit with your father being cared for in the right facility close to you. I know it is much easier for me to get to my my mother physically more often.
Perhaps you can come back and tell us more and if this is something you can consider.
You need to give her choices and then you telling what you are willing to do. We did this with MIL who was 2 days drive away. She came up and toured apts and trailer parks after FIL passed. She chose to remain in Fla. I had my Mom, who was now a widow and had her friends and Church. I was not leaving her or moving her. I ended up telling MIL this and she stopped asking DH to move down there. I don't think he ever considered it. My MIL lived on her own until the age of 91. She had her circle of friends. None of her 3 boys moved close to her.
If not, as JoAnn said...you will need to have a "come to Jesus" discussion with your mom. You need to have her understand that even IF you choose to come down once a month for a week at a time, that leaves mom with 40 other weeks to have to figure out the care for dad. She needs to be told that, heartbreaking as it is to admit, you dad is not going to improve; his care needs will continue to grow and grow, likely outgrowing the care your mom will be physically, mentally and emotionally able to give.
Something like "mom, what's your long term plan for dad? What if he forgets who you are? What if he starts to wander? Becomes violent? What are your plans for when the time comes that he CAN'T be left alone, and you need to leave the house to run errands or attend to your own health? What is your plan in the event YOU get sick and can't take care of him? Even if I'm here 12 weeks out of the year, what are you going to do the rest of the time?" Sometimes, caregivers become so enmeshed in the minutia of the day to day chores they never stop and consider the bigger picture or the future; then when it's suddenly upon them, they have no plans in place and a bad situation becomes exponentially worse.
It's a very tough position you are in. The one solution that your mom has to be made aware of, however, is that YOU are NOT going to uproot yourself and your husband and move to them to become their caregiver. Clearly by what you wrote, even the thought of it fills you with resentment; actually moving there would be infinitely worse for everyone, including dad, because as much as you might try and hide it, your resentment will spill through and poison all of your relationships: your relationship with your spouse, parents and siblings. And that doesn't make you a bad daughter in any way, shape or form, so don't allow guilt to make a bad decision for you.
Good luck!
There is a lot to chew on here, but having a frank discussion sounds like a good route. And it will likely be multiple discussions. My mother has said she does not want to put my father in a home. And at the moment he doesn't seem to be in a condition where he needs assisted living care; he hasn't been physically combative. But wandering might be an issue. But as was said he will get worse, or my mother may find herself in a position where she simply cannot care for him the way she is now, so this may have to be considered. She is reluctant with regard to getting an aide to come in and help. I think she is worried that my father will freak out and that will be another thing she has to deal with. She is just reluctant to reach out for help period. As was mentioned I think she is just allowing the day to day tasks to be the distraction from dealing with the hard questions of the future.
And thanks for helping me to appreciate the reality of resentment, and that moving down there might make things worse. During visits my irritation eventually starts to show. I start off well, but by the last couple days of the visit I'm snappy and downcast. I know that is no help to anyone.
But once again I greatly appreciate everyone's input. It is so helpful and comforting. I will take it all under consideration.
Be a phone call a day, then 2, then daily visits, then overnights... The Slippery Slope. It's a common trap that caring folk slide down..
Mom could be so overwhelmed with daily life she has no time or energy to make next week's plan - let alone plan a move, look into AL options, the finances, sell the house etc. (Just read Ngoodenough got to that idea first ☺️).
I think of it as looking at the tiny shells at your feet on a beach - not looking up to see the tsunami on the horizon.
Yes agree to an honest chat with Mom. I was told it can take SIX times to START to sink in.
The good news is you have time. This is not a wander/violent/setting fire to the kitchen issue. You have time to chat, time to research.
So instead of that slippery slope, you can plan a pathway. Mom is hanging onto her independence right now. One thing I've learnt is that independence changes size. A relative of mine decided the big house would take too many workers to maintain - downsized & managed her apartment herself. Adding in cleaning & meal service as needed. I call that still indepenant.
That's how I'd sell the idea of 'help' to your Mom. Services & Aides will help her & Dad stay together longer & a smaller place will help her stay independent longer.
Instead of a few hours or a short road trip away, we are on the other side of the country. This has given me insight into my own child's worries and a new thought project for today. I keep my family informed but maybe I need to do a better job of handling everything. The burden falls to me, not to them.
Perhaps your own mom will also think the burden is hers, but needs a little insight to your feelings, too. Good luck with your conversation, or all six of them, and I hope it works out well for both you and your parents. It's bad enough to lose your dad, and hard to see your mom go thru it. Try to be supportive , but don't fall down into that hole yourself. Talk to your husband, too, and get his real feelings about it!
There is a light the end of the tunnel, keep your eye on it!
I recommend watching a movie called "Still Mine", it was a real eye opener for what is going on when one parent is still able in all ways and the other is being lost to dementia.
Is it possible to encourage mom to order meals, hire a housekeeper and try introducing help for her so she can be available for dad?
Trying to force her to place him can cause more of a stressor for her, until she is ready it is only going to cause her to dig in deeper.
Be a loving daughter and an unjudgemental ear for her. Support her this way and she may open up more. Don't reprimand her for their choice to move to some place different in their retirement, it is pretty common.
Part of our frustration with our situation is not accepting it and the limits on our ability to change it. Remembering that there is only so much you can control might help your frustration level so that you don’t get frustrated with your parents. Dad can’t help what is happening to him and Mom is doing the best she can for her husband of many years and herself. I’m sure that when they embarked on their post retirement life, they never imagined it would look like this. I’m sure they are both scared of what the future might bring.
That being said, the fact that you just lost your job could be a blessing in disguise. So you have the ability to go spend about a month with your mom helping her get things in order? Sounds like she could use the help and company and you could use the time to bond and discuss ways to make her and your dad’s life more manageable. Maybe make some phone calls and secure additional resources for them so when you go back home, things are better?
My husband and I are 60 and he has Alzheimer’s. We live in Cali and his siblings are in Michigan and his children are on the east coast. It’s just us here but there’s nowhere I’d rather be. A long visit might be the best thing for her and you. Good luck.
Dad fell & broke his hip. He was firing his OT & PT help. I decided to find an AL facility near me where they could stay & Dad could heal. I said it was for 8-10 weeks, not permanent. They agreed hesitantly.
It was easier for me, but moving is stressful for all of us, esp. for people with AD or dementia. It was difficult & many of the caregivers were inept about caring for my folks. My mom went downhill quickly & passed, which was a blessing for her. We put my dad in a MC facility which helped tremendously, until the covid lockdowns were implemented.
I moved him out 8 weeks into it b/c he’d “quit” due to the isolation. He was then in a one bedroom apartment with 24/7 help. He flourished and spent the last year of his life happy. The illness progresses & gets more complicated for all, but we could see/spend time with him & he was happy! We sold his house after Mom passed b/c it was too far away. Dad was then ok with that. He was living in “the now”. It all works out, but allowing the person with the least reasoning ability to call the shots makes no sense! It has to work for whomever will be caring for them! Good luck!
Though your situation is very difficult now, cultivate mindfulness. Let go of resentments and bitterness (even though you earned the right). And if you believe the right thing to do is move your parents back up from NC into a condo or AL, know you have the strength to make it happen even if your siblings do nothing to help. Have faith in yourself and God.
Talk with your mom about how her day typically goes. Ask her when she gets breaks from caring for your father. If the answer is - none - suggest that it might be time to move closer into a smaller place.
If your mom agrees, then help her with researching all the options available to them in your area. Consider senior housing options, assisted living, adult day care programs, and memory care units (for your dad).
Also, bring in your spouse to have frank conversations with your mom about finances and expectations. If you have too many life struggles going on, living together is not in anybody's best interest. Look at your parents' monthly income and compare this to the resources you already researched. It might be easiest to move them somewhere with assisted living that can phase to higher levels of care but will also take the amount of income your parents have.
This will not be a one time conversation with your mom, but a series of conversations. Take your time while helping them with information so mom can make the decision she is comfortable with. Also, make time to get some care for yourself. See your primary care doctor about your issues. Get the care you need.
If she has no idea, provide suggestions in writing and ask her which she thinks would be best.
I would also suggest or maybe make a dr. Appointment for Dad, while you're there. Sometimes reality hits when stated by someone else.
Best wishes.
It's frustrating I know! At least you CAN travel to see them (our Mom always manages to discourage us from visiting, and we know our visits just stress her out, so we don't visit much) - but I recognize the burden that also places on you with them far away.
It looks like you have a lot of good answers from others here. I think it's good to determine what legal chain of POA is - I'm guessing your mom is your dad's legal caretaker and POA? Then have they prepared any documents about who becomes POA if something happens to your mom? I see both the advantage and disadvantage of being POA verses one of your brothers, but ultimately it's best if your mom makes that decision. If somehow you can have a meeting with your brothers or with the whole family (maybe not dad since it might just confuse him) so everyone knows where that responsibility would ultimately fall, though of course ideally you can share the burden (both financial and emotional) and support one another.
I would NOT move close to them out of a sense of obligation. If you can convince mom to get an geriatric care manager and an elder law expert, and if mom agrees they can work with her and you and your brothers to come up with a care plan for the present and future. I believe this usually ends up with settling the chain of POA, and structuring plans for the present and future involving independent living with visiting home health aides, assisted living options (preferably near you or one of your brothers), and long term nursing care if it becomes needed.
I think it's good that you notice your own limits and set boundaries for the frequency and length of your visits - and you will want to consider that also (maybe even more so!) if they move closer to you. There are caregiver support groups your mom can turn to, and you and your brothers as well if you end up taking on more of that role. Learning to let go of control in these situations I think is a lesson for everyone - the caregiving parent, the parent being cared for, and the children! All you can do is offer love and support and if they are willing to hear it, advice - but if they reject it, and we aren't in a position of legal guardianship, we have to be at peace with that.
Good luck with everything!
I realize now that when they made the conscious decision to move away from my brothers it was largely because they treasured their time alone together and knew had they lived near my siblings they would have been subjected to pop-in visits with no control over the timing of my brothers and their families dropped by.
In fact I lived 9 hours away and the last couple of years were tough but I had no options. As much as it's important to plan ahead be mindful about not borrowing trouble. Worrying about a future scenario where your mom is no longer around and leaves you to take care of your dad can create more stress on an already exhausting situation. Best wishes
It talks about separating physically and psychologically from family members that are unhealthy, unsupportive, etc.
Nevertheless, as time goes on, some things change. For various reasons I did end up moving back to an area within a half hour drive of my mother's place. I have 2 sisters who were my mother's primary caregivers for years. When I moved back I did things to help them. I found that doing what I could made me feel better about both the present and the past, made me feel as though doing any bit of caring for my mother somehow made up for the lack of care that she gave me as a child. I know that makes no sense. Emotions are not about logic and sense. Just be certain that whatever you do is what you WANT to do, not some version of what THEY want. The primary person responsible for the well-being of the elderly is the older person(s) themselves. Not you.
The big answer to parents receiving care from children wherever they may live is simple: boundaries. Set the expectations now. Tell your Mom and Dad that you simply cannot do any direct care for them long distance. Tell them what you are and are not willing to do. State firm facts, do not argue or allow discussion. Put a sentence or two about this in nearly every phone conversation or visit you have with them. Stop the quarterly trips if they are not good for you and your husband. Visit once a year. Take care of your marriage and yourself first. Be clear with your parents that if they need help they will need to move into an appropriate care facility because they are too far away for you to even try to assist them. You have tried and it does not work.
Any time you start getting overwhelmed by their needs, grab your own attention and focus on your own needs. Remember that your own well-being is your first lookout, your marriage is your second lookout. Your parents made decisions for themselves that may not be in their own best interests and it is not your responsibility to straighten them out. You may find that one or more of your siblings may be a good sounding board for these feelings. They may support you in your need to care for yourself. My sisters and I all had different attitudes and commitments toward our mother, but we shared the sure knowledge that we needed to care for ourselves first. I said no to each of my sisters more than once, but I also said yes a few times when they needed a bit more help.
And, of course, rant at us here. We understand. It does not help to worry about what has not happened yet, but it does make sense to make some plans for the unexpected (and expected) in the future. Practice saying NO. Practice saying NO with no excuses, just flat refusal. You cannot drive to their house to help them. If they cannot manage it they should put it up for sale and move into managed care, either where they are or closer to you and your siblings. Good luck and hugs. You will survive this. I did. So did my sisters.
#1 : go visit your parents (for at least one week if possible). A weekend would be a good starting point, however it won't be enough time.
#2 : visit will also help you to get a handle on what the immediate needs are for both M&D. As well as current needs that will help mom. their health care should provide in home medical services to help with dad's medical needs. HC can also bring in meals a couple times a week & help get them to doctor appointments, etc.
#3 : who has POA for your parents? if no one does, it's important that you get a POA ASAP. It will be needed/ necessary so you can talk with their doctor's, etc. & to complete anything on their behalf. Check their state's website to get information on how to set up a POA (both medical & financial). Due the research prior to visit so when your there you can arrange for mobile notary, etc. & get document before you head home.
#4 : Each state has Adult Protective Services agency that might be able to provide "wellness checks" for you once you're back home. They might also have some resources that can be helpful. Be mindful that Police, hospitals, EMT's (anyone working in medical field) MUST report (what they refer to as Elder abuse, neglect) to APS. Since you are arranging care from a distance they won't arrest you and should be more helpful than ever. At least, that's what I've experienced. I mention this as you may get a phone call from police stating they are looking into a report of elderly neglect. It might be wise to alert local police department to your parents situation, explain what your working to do to help them & provide your phone #. Just incase. I've found the more proactively you address potential issues the better the out come. Yes there will be lot you cannot plan for however having made contact with the APS/ Police / Hospital etc it will be easier.
#5 : Regarding their home. please get POA so you can sell home & get them into an assisted living situation. It will be harder to do once they both lose cognitive functions.
#6 : Here are some websites that you might find helpful:
https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/applying-out-of-state/
https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility/
https://www.ncdhhs.gov/divisions/aging-and-adult-services (you will find resources / information regarding in home aids, legal assistance, etc.)
https://www.alz.org/ (Alzheimer's Association)
#7 : get records (pension/SSA, home, auto's, medical ins, financial, etc) when you visit. You will need the information later.
Hopefully the websites listed above will give you a starting point. Honestly it won't be easy & it's a huge task so be patient with yourself & give yourself a day or two off (from working on your parents stuff).
Just a heads up, if you don't want to take on their care & no other family members will, the state will step in & your parents will become a ward of the state. I mention this as once the state steps in you will be 100% in the dark. Basically no contact with your parents. I know how hard this is so please take time to prepare yourself for what can happen. Again, please know you are not alone. Taking over your parents care is a huge responsibility. It's truly best to decide now what can be done to keep them in their home or move them together (or separately) into an assisted living home.
Additionally, you're not in charge yet, your parents still are. Although you get anxious watching their lifestyle you have no legal or moral right of control.
So for now observe your parents, read, listen to the experiences of folks and prepare yourself for when you are in charge.
Relax a little.