Here to Vent Like Everyone Else.. Frustrated. Advice?

Planning for the future and necessary discussions is good, I think you need to concentrate on the present first. Call the local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) in the county where your parents reside and begin gathering information on what services may be available to help your mother care for your dad in their home today. Things like Adult Day Care (ADC) that Dad can attend for a few hours during the week can be wonderful for BOTH of them. It will give your Dad social interactions outside the home even as his capability decrease and it will give your Mom a few hours where she doesn't have to worry about your father and can do things she needs (like shopping) and take care of herself (sleep, meet her friends doctor appointments). ADC is our area came with transportation service and when my mother needed a wheelchair, would pick her up in the chair and return in the afternoon. I think my mom liked the rides as well as actually attending ADC. In my area, AAA also offers some personal care and housekeeping services at no or a very reduced cost compared to hiring these services separately. Another benefit is AAA sources the people and makes sure they are vaccinated (not a small concern during covid).

If your mother isn't very computer savvy, perhaps you could see if there is a grocery store in her area that either delivers to her home or at least lets you put in an order online and then just pick it up. I found ordering stables like eggs and toilet paper online, then going to the store while my mother was at ADC and shopping for the fresh fruit and veggies, then picking up the order on my way home was a lot easier than trying to shop for everything. Later when ADC wasn't operating because of covid, I had all the groceries delivered. Mom could call you and tell you what she wants from the store as you put in the online order; it would also be a good communication for you to keep current on how things are going.

Talk to your mother and discuss how she wants things to be. If they want to stay where they are then perhaps setting her up to facetime might be possible, and you can assist her in arranging any help she needs. If they want to move back get details on suitable facilities they could move to closer to you so you can go and see them regularly. But whilst she at least can make decisions then leave her to do so - get POAs if you don't have them for when needed and visit once a month and talk on the phone a couple of times a week. Don't stress over something that hasn't happened, we all look into what we think is the future but we cannot see what is there. Living their own lives with support helps your parents and you (you have to look after your health and your relationship), Help them because you love them, don't let it become a duty or a burden. There are always people who can help and support, you are thinking of them and care which makes you a good person, but that doesn't mean you have to do everything or worry about decisions they make. They let you grow into being an adult, at the moment let them be the same. You are not alone and you are obviously very sensible and caring, take the steps one at a time as needed and care for you too..

Remember you need to take care of yourself , first and for most. I’m sending blessings and good vibes.

Take a deep breath........now exhale. You're not alone.
Additionally, you're not in charge yet, your parents still are. Although you get anxious watching their lifestyle you have no legal or moral right of control.
So for now observe your parents, read, listen to the experiences of folks and prepare yourself for when you are in charge.
Relax a little.

Hugs, please know you are not alone & there are resources available to help. I am in very similar situation (my father lives in another state, I was not told he was removed from his home & then the state dumped (for lack of better word) him in my lap.) I was in the ocean with a spoon! zero documents, zero information to start with. I truly understand your frustration/ anger and feel for you. Please know it is a ok to feel both. Although we all live in different states here are some things I found out that might be helpful to you. As my care for my dad started out so messed up, the order in which you complete things may differ.

#1 : go visit your parents (for at least one week if possible). A weekend would be a good starting point, however it won't be enough time.

#2 : visit will also help you to get a handle on what the immediate needs are for both M&D. As well as current needs that will help mom. their health care should provide in home medical services to help with dad's medical needs. HC can also bring in meals a couple times a week & help get them to doctor appointments, etc.

#3 : who has POA for your parents? if no one does, it's important that you get a POA ASAP. It will be needed/ necessary so you can talk with their doctor's, etc. & to complete anything on their behalf. Check their state's website to get information on how to set up a POA (both medical & financial). Due the research prior to visit so when your there you can arrange for mobile notary, etc. & get document before you head home.

#4 : Each state has Adult Protective Services agency that might be able to provide "wellness checks" for you once you're back home. They might also have some resources that can be helpful. Be mindful that Police, hospitals, EMT's (anyone working in medical field) MUST report (what they refer to as Elder abuse, neglect) to APS. Since you are arranging care from a distance they won't arrest you and should be more helpful than ever. At least, that's what I've experienced. I mention this as you may get a phone call from police stating they are looking into a report of elderly neglect. It might be wise to alert local police department to your parents situation, explain what your working to do to help them & provide your phone #. Just incase. I've found the more proactively you address potential issues the better the out come. Yes there will be lot you cannot plan for however having made contact with the APS/ Police / Hospital etc it will be easier.

#5 : Regarding their home. please get POA so you can sell home & get them into an assisted living situation. It will be harder to do once they both lose cognitive functions.

#6 : Here are some websites that you might find helpful:
https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/applying-out-of-state/
https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility/
https://www.ncdhhs.gov/divisions/aging-and-adult-services (you will find resources / information regarding in home aids, legal assistance, etc.)
https://www.alz.org/ (Alzheimer's Association)

#7 : get records (pension/SSA, home, auto's, medical ins, financial, etc) when you visit. You will need the information later.

Hopefully the websites listed above will give you a starting point. Honestly it won't be easy & it's a huge task so be patient with yourself & give yourself a day or two off (from working on your parents stuff).

Just a heads up, if you don't want to take on their care & no other family members will, the state will step in & your parents will become a ward of the state. I mention this as once the state steps in you will be 100% in the dark. Basically no contact with your parents. I know how hard this is so please take time to prepare yourself for what can happen. Again, please know you are not alone. Taking over your parents care is a huge responsibility. It's truly best to decide now what can be done to keep them in their home or move them together (or separately) into an assisted living home.

You have my moral support, March.

I think they should go into a care facility especially if the father is showing some serious signs of dementia. It's a bad idea for them to have a house far away with no one to look after them. It didn't sound like they wanted to even think about planning for the future, and they wanted to solely live for themselves.

marchseventeen: Imho, this was my aunt and uncle. They left their home in New England, where they had lived for more than 85 years and moved to Florida. They had a house built in Florida. However, my uncle was VERY ill with cancer and he did not live only but 3 months, leaving my elderly aunt the home to sell. I do NOT advocate that you move down there with your parents. Perhaps they can locate facility living. It is often a mistake for elders to construct/buy a new home.

My sympathies for your situation. In my case, I was the one who moved 3,000 miles away, and I did it in my 30's. I actually never intended to move back, nor did I ever intend to care for my mother. We did not have a good relationship.

Nevertheless, as time goes on, some things change. For various reasons I did end up moving back to an area within a half hour drive of my mother's place. I have 2 sisters who were my mother's primary caregivers for years. When I moved back I did things to help them. I found that doing what I could made me feel better about both the present and the past, made me feel as though doing any bit of caring for my mother somehow made up for the lack of care that she gave me as a child. I know that makes no sense. Emotions are not about logic and sense. Just be certain that whatever you do is what you WANT to do, not some version of what THEY want. The primary person responsible for the well-being of the elderly is the older person(s) themselves. Not you.

The big answer to parents receiving care from children wherever they may live is simple: boundaries. Set the expectations now. Tell your Mom and Dad that you simply cannot do any direct care for them long distance. Tell them what you are and are not willing to do. State firm facts, do not argue or allow discussion. Put a sentence or two about this in nearly every phone conversation or visit you have with them. Stop the quarterly trips if they are not good for you and your husband. Visit once a year. Take care of your marriage and yourself first. Be clear with your parents that if they need help they will need to move into an appropriate care facility because they are too far away for you to even try to assist them. You have tried and it does not work.

Any time you start getting overwhelmed by their needs, grab your own attention and focus on your own needs. Remember that your own well-being is your first lookout, your marriage is your second lookout. Your parents made decisions for themselves that may not be in their own best interests and it is not your responsibility to straighten them out. You may find that one or more of your siblings may be a good sounding board for these feelings. They may support you in your need to care for yourself. My sisters and I all had different attitudes and commitments toward our mother, but we shared the sure knowledge that we needed to care for ourselves first. I said no to each of my sisters more than once, but I also said yes a few times when they needed a bit more help.

And, of course, rant at us here. We understand. It does not help to worry about what has not happened yet, but it does make sense to make some plans for the unexpected (and expected) in the future. Practice saying NO. Practice saying NO with no excuses, just flat refusal. You cannot drive to their house to help them. If they cannot manage it they should put it up for sale and move into managed care, either where they are or closer to you and your siblings. Good luck and hugs. You will survive this. I did. So did my sisters.

This sounds similar to the situation I had. TBH Mom and Dad had moved to a smaller city when they retired because it was more affordable and offered a slower pace. My brothers both hated it when they moved in the 90's and continued to complain bitterly about the distance. In fact the last time they visited Dad at his LTC was the day we buried Mom (almost two years before we lost him).

I realize now that when they made the conscious decision to move away from my brothers it was largely because they treasured their time alone together and knew had they lived near my siblings they would have been subjected to pop-in visits with no control over the timing of my brothers and their families dropped by.

In fact I lived 9 hours away and the last couple of years were tough but I had no options. As much as it's important to plan ahead be mindful about not borrowing trouble. Worrying about a future scenario where your mom is no longer around and leaves you to take care of your dad can create more stress on an already exhausting situation. Best wishes

I'm in a similar boat, far from my parents, with my Dad as Mom's caretaker - she is failing more physically than mentally, but is super controlling so we can't have a private conversation with Dad, and he's reluctant to reach out to us or fill us in - closest sibling is several hours away thanks to their recent move into a senior living place before ever telling us their plan.

It's frustrating I know! At least you CAN travel to see them (our Mom always manages to discourage us from visiting, and we know our visits just stress her out, so we don't visit much) - but I recognize the burden that also places on you with them far away.

It looks like you have a lot of good answers from others here. I think it's good to determine what legal chain of POA is - I'm guessing your mom is your dad's legal caretaker and POA? Then have they prepared any documents about who becomes POA if something happens to your mom? I see both the advantage and disadvantage of being POA verses one of your brothers, but ultimately it's best if your mom makes that decision. If somehow you can have a meeting with your brothers or with the whole family (maybe not dad since it might just confuse him) so everyone knows where that responsibility would ultimately fall, though of course ideally you can share the burden (both financial and emotional) and support one another.

I would NOT move close to them out of a sense of obligation. If you can convince mom to get an geriatric care manager and an elder law expert, and if mom agrees they can work with her and you and your brothers to come up with a care plan for the present and future. I believe this usually ends up with settling the chain of POA, and structuring plans for the present and future involving independent living with visiting home health aides, assisted living options (preferably near you or one of your brothers), and long term nursing care if it becomes needed.

I think it's good that you notice your own limits and set boundaries for the frequency and length of your visits - and you will want to consider that also (maybe even more so!) if they move closer to you. There are caregiver support groups your mom can turn to, and you and your brothers as well if you end up taking on more of that role. Learning to let go of control in these situations I think is a lesson for everyone - the caregiving parent, the parent being cared for, and the children! All you can do is offer love and support and if they are willing to hear it, advice - but if they reject it, and we aren't in a position of legal guardianship, we have to be at peace with that.

Good luck with everything!

First of all, I see this happening over and over again. First one last time, try to sit down with them and lay down the law and boundaries and tell them what will happen if they do not cooperate (I assure you they won't). YOU CANNOT GIVE UP Y O U R LIFE BECAUSE THEY ARE STUBBORN AND STUPID AND NO ONE HELPS YOU. Go to Social Services in their area and report and situation and demand help. I feel that unless they have a full-time caretaker - very hard to find - they should both be placed and you can monitor things at a distance - after consulting with an eldercare attorney as to what you need to do. They are making their beds and with it come consequences if they don't know how to make a bed, and they have to be responsible for the results - NOT you.

Your mom’s a caregiver. Send her relevant questions from this website. She may be very interested and learn a lot. May help prepare the ground for future conversations

On your next visit, have a direct talk with Mom. What are your plans for the future? How can we help you?
If she has no idea, provide suggestions in writing and ask her which she thinks would be best.
I would also suggest or maybe make a dr. Appointment for Dad, while you're there. Sometimes reality hits when stated by someone else.
Best wishes.

Wow reading your post… I can relate. My parents moved away from us to southern coastal NC years ago. Everything was fine for quite awhile although they put a lot of pressure on us to visit and bring the grandkids. It is a very long drive to a very out of the way place. Fast forward to when they started to decline, refuse all help, won’t move to assisted living etc and they live on a barrier island that is in the path of every east coast hurricane. I would have to drop everything and race down I 95 for 6 hours to help them evacuate. The last one was huge and ruined their home. Prior to the storm there was a mandatory evacuation and I was trying to pack everything up and dad was just lying in the bed naked playing solitaire on his computer. So frustrating. We went to a hotel a few hours inland and had to stay three weeks. It fell on us (sister and me) to provide all food and meds while they were in the hotel. They would never leave the room. Had to get meds refilled in new pharmacy because they ran out. I kept up with my remote work job amazingly during this time. Found out Mom doesn’t close the door when she is in the bathroom!! Fun times. The renovation of their home fell on us children and we had to find them temporary housing. That would have been a great time to go to assisted living but they refused. They had zero game plan for aging and it all fell on us. Dad has passed now and mom still has no plan other than lay in bed and have either daughter wait on her. She lived with me for two years until I couldn’t hack it anymore and now she lives with my sister. Sorry I don’t have any good advice for you just feeling your pain! It’s an eye opener for me and how I want to age and what I do not want to impose on my own children. I wish you the best of luck.

from my experience when was nurse in Florida (Gods waiting room), the usual response is it becomes the time to move back “north “ because their adult child lives there.. You don’t need to go there. Plus , where are they to be buried? That is a cost of transport - cheaper if they are alive . Sorry but fact. They’re doctors are usually back north, snd when nursing home etc is needed you need to find what works for you. This affects your life big time. Please put estate etc in a trust- not just a will as that has to go to probate and another long wait. Put them where it is convenient for YOU. Makes life easier if you can “pop” over to check in at the nursing home … bring clothes etc. Check with local senior center or Elder Services for advice.

Yes, this is hard. This story is told way to often. I am sure you do not begrudge your parents the good times they had in NC. It also appears that they have reached a point where something must change.

Talk with your mom about how her day typically goes. Ask her when she gets breaks from caring for your father. If the answer is - none - suggest that it might be time to move closer into a smaller place.

If your mom agrees, then help her with researching all the options available to them in your area. Consider senior housing options, assisted living, adult day care programs, and memory care units (for your dad).

Also, bring in your spouse to have frank conversations with your mom about finances and expectations. If you have too many life struggles going on, living together is not in anybody's best interest. Look at your parents' monthly income and compare this to the resources you already researched. It might be easiest to move them somewhere with assisted living that can phase to higher levels of care but will also take the amount of income your parents have.

This will not be a one time conversation with your mom, but a series of conversations. Take your time while helping them with information so mom can make the decision she is comfortable with. Also, make time to get some care for yourself. See your primary care doctor about your issues. Get the care you need.

What about independent living facility for both of them? Some have a la carte medical services you can pay for to get extra help.

My situation isn't exactly like yours, but I share many of your frustrations with older parents refusing to plan ahead and absentee siblings who nevertheless find criticsm comes easily to them when helping does not. My parents had lived in the DC area since 1950. I am now 61, so a lot of what you are now going through I have already been through. That's why your story resonated. I moved away when I got married but my three brothers stayed in the area. Our parents insisted on keeping their giant three story home on the Potomac as they aged. I did not believe they would be better off in assisted living. But I worried about their ability to take care of their house. Also they were hoarders. My mother started buying china and crystal and mugs and dishes and tschockes until every square inch was packed, including miles of cabinets built to hold her hoarde. What really broke my heart was she almost never used any of it. While the family continued to spend holidays around her dining table, she would always ask me if it was okay to use paper napkins and plates. I would visit with my grown children and lie awake at night worrying about how their big old house would ever be emptied of their accumulated stuff. One of my brother's wives did open her doors and host Thanksgiving, Christmas and family birthdays. But the other two did not. It wasn't until my father died in 2016 that she stopped trying to host the family for holidays (which often meant I was cooking in CT and filling the trunk of my car with food for this purpose). After my father died, my mother was understandably depressed. She had provided most of his care. She was also reluctant to let go of control, and my brothers would not support me in pushing her to allow us (me anyway) to take over the management of some of her things. She turned 93 the February after my father died. Things were so bad between us, and her language was so abusive that I vowed I would not visit her again until she sought help for her mental health. This was a promise that I could not keep. Meanwhile in 2018, the brother she had come to depend on (and was paying) moved to MI, which was odd because he was over 60 and my mother was 94 and dependent on him. She did not take his move well (who can blame her). COVID hit her hard--the isolation especially. And she continued to decline. She became weaker in body, mind and spirit. But something else happened. She finally accepted that she could not control everything on her own. She had been telling us for years that she did not want our advice. She wanted our help. But she made helping incredibly painful and difficult. Once she surrendered, I found the burden of visiting from CT became easier. And I changed too. She was not the same controlling, critical mother who raised me. She was frail and scared and needed my help. She moved into a condo in September and I spent two weeks emptying her house--a chore I had dreaded for years. And you know what? It was okay. The reason it's been easier to help her since December of 2020 is that I finally surrendered. I stopped expecting my brothers to help (two never do). And I stopped expecting her to change. I could not control that. I could only control what I did and how I felt.

Though your situation is very difficult now, cultivate mindfulness. Let go of resentments and bitterness (even though you earned the right). And if you believe the right thing to do is move your parents back up from NC into a condo or AL, know you have the strength to make it happen even if your siblings do nothing to help. Have faith in yourself and God.

Hi, I've read the original post and marchseventeenth's answer. I'd like to add that it is not all on the daughter and family to make decisions or even to have all the difficult conversations with Mom. I'd suggest helping Mom get a real neurologist's evaluation for Dad. If this is Alzheimer's there are meds. If it's another type of issue, there may be other meds. It could be medical and he may need a comprehensive physical, as well, depending on whether he's been getting those. At 81, quickly progressing dementia and strange behavior is not normal and should be evaluated. The meds can help with slowing the deterioration in many cases, so should be tried if the docs offer them. Second, along with medical evaluation, I'd suggest since family is far away, if Mom is not eager to pack up and put that house on the market, have a professional Geriatric Care Manager come and evaluate Dad's needs for the home and help get some services set up. This is assuming the parents or you have funds to pay privately for the Care Manager's evaluation and a few hours of her time. It can be WELL worth it to get guidance on home safety and also types of resources in the area for the parents. A bigger conversation about moving back up to DC may follow, but the parents are now in a house in NC where they want to stay so I'd suggest these two important steps (neurologist and geriatric care manager) to start. These will take a while but should result in some real help. Family should not feel like you have to do it all from a distance, and no, don't move there, certainly not without understanding the situation and getting services lined up where they are. Things may work out a lot better than you think...or your mom may decide she'd like to move back and downsize to a condo with your dad, after all is said and done and she hears what neurologist and geriatric care manager have to say. Good luck!

Oh god. Im going thru the same thing. They are impossible to help but im doing my best. Im emotionally abused by mom and dad has major heart issues. So scared

No easy answers here, but if you as family are going to care for them, they’ll have to move closer- like it or not. My folks lived out of state. We talked all the time & things sounded ok, until I’d drive out & visit. It became clear they couldn’t care for themselves, much less each other. They were malnourished, had several health issues, were scared & getting ugly with each other from frustration & fear I believe.

Dad fell & broke his hip. He was firing his OT & PT help. I decided to find an AL facility near me where they could stay & Dad could heal. I said it was for 8-10 weeks, not permanent. They agreed hesitantly.

It was easier for me, but moving is stressful for all of us, esp. for people with AD or dementia. It was difficult & many of the caregivers were inept about caring for my folks. My mom went downhill quickly & passed, which was a blessing for her. We put my dad in a MC facility which helped tremendously, until the covid lockdowns were implemented.

I moved him out 8 weeks into it b/c he’d “quit” due to the isolation. He was then in a one bedroom apartment with 24/7 help. He flourished and spent the last year of his life happy. The illness progresses & gets more complicated for all, but we could see/spend time with him & he was happy! We sold his house after Mom passed b/c it was too far away. Dad was then ok with that. He was living in “the now”. It all works out, but allowing the person with the least reasoning ability to call the shots makes no sense! It has to work for whomever will be caring for them! Good luck!

Acceptance is Key
Part of our frustration with our situation is not accepting it and the limits on our ability to change it. Remembering that there is only so much you can control might help your frustration level so that you don’t get frustrated with your parents. Dad can’t help what is happening to him and Mom is doing the best she can for her husband of many years and herself. I’m sure that when they embarked on their post retirement life, they never imagined it would look like this. I’m sure they are both scared of what the future might bring.
That being said, the fact that you just lost your job could be a blessing in disguise. So you have the ability to go spend about a month with your mom helping her get things in order? Sounds like she could use the help and company and you could use the time to bond and discuss ways to make her and your dad’s life more manageable. Maybe make some phone calls and secure additional resources for them so when you go back home, things are better?
My husband and I are 60 and he has Alzheimer’s. We live in Cali and his siblings are in Michigan and his children are on the east coast. It’s just us here but there’s nowhere I’d rather be. A long visit might be the best thing for her and you. Good luck.

I think you really need to speak to your mum and explain this tell her that she is going to need more help now from family and will need to move back to be nearer you as she will end up being unable to manage especially as your dad is getting older now and will sadly only get worse good luck

Stop worrying about the possible negatives until they occur - if they do - we can have too vivid an imagination and get ourselves very wound up over things we thing could happen. Most of them won't. If you parents are happy where they are visit as you would normally, check during general conversation whether mother needs any assistance and if so offer to help her, otherwise if they are settled and happy with what is happening (even if you are not and think things should be better) leave things alone and let them get on with their lives. If you can get POA for your mother it would be useful "just in case", but let them do what they want and help out where and when it is asked for / your offer is taken up. Don't stress yourself into getting them to do what you think is best - that is currently their choice. Have nice visits.

As difficult as this is, your mom gets to make her own decision about caring for her husband.

I recommend watching a movie called "Still Mine", it was a real eye opener for what is going on when one parent is still able in all ways and the other is being lost to dementia.

Is it possible to encourage mom to order meals, hire a housekeeper and try introducing help for her so she can be available for dad?

Trying to force her to place him can cause more of a stressor for her, until she is ready it is only going to cause her to dig in deeper.

Be a loving daughter and an unjudgemental ear for her. Support her this way and she may open up more. Don't reprimand her for their choice to move to some place different in their retirement, it is pretty common.

What great answers, I don't think I can add anything to this discussion. I am writing here to thank you for asking that question! I and my husband could be your parents, you could be my only child asking this!

Instead of a few hours or a short road trip away, we are on the other side of the country. This has given me insight into my own child's worries and a new thought project for today. I keep my family informed but maybe I need to do a better job of handling everything. The burden falls to me, not to them.

Perhaps your own mom will also think the burden is hers, but needs a little insight to your feelings, too. Good luck with your conversation, or all six of them, and I hope it works out well for both you and your parents. It's bad enough to lose your dad, and hard to see your mom go thru it. Try to be supportive , but don't fall down into that hole yourself. Talk to your husband, too, and get his real feelings about it!
There is a light the end of the tunnel, keep your eye on it!

Often elders are not willing to accept the changes that aging will inevitably bring to their lives. Changing jobs, moving to another state, etc. things that would be common and doable to much younger people, are simply not the same with people approaching the end of their lives. The experience I had with an older woman who was realistic about her age (86) sure opened my eyes. She would consider if a purchase she was thinking about, would give her good use or she would die first. Just thinking in terms of the end of life being real and relatively close. Stuff you push away when you are younger and old age is something you intellectually acknowledge, but emotionally is just "out in the future" somewhere.

You know, if you WERE just down the street I wonder if this would be any better?

Be a phone call a day, then 2, then daily visits, then overnights... The Slippery Slope. It's a common trap that caring folk slide down..

Mom could be so overwhelmed with daily life she has no time or energy to make next week's plan - let alone plan a move, look into AL options, the finances, sell the house etc. (Just read Ngoodenough got to that idea first ☺️).

I think of it as looking at the tiny shells at your feet on a beach - not looking up to see the tsunami on the horizon.

Yes agree to an honest chat with Mom. I was told it can take SIX times to START to sink in.

The good news is you have time. This is not a wander/violent/setting fire to the kitchen issue. You have time to chat, time to research.

So instead of that slippery slope, you can plan a pathway. Mom is hanging onto her independence right now. One thing I've learnt is that independence changes size. A relative of mine decided the big house would take too many workers to maintain - downsized & managed her apartment herself. Adding in cleaning & meal service as needed. I call that still indepenant.

That's how I'd sell the idea of 'help' to your Mom. Services & Aides will help her & Dad stay together longer & a smaller place will help her stay independent longer.

Wow, thanks everyone for these responses, and so quickly :)
There is a lot to chew on here, but having a frank discussion sounds like a good route. And it will likely be multiple discussions. My mother has said she does not want to put my father in a home. And at the moment he doesn't seem to be in a condition where he needs assisted living care; he hasn't been physically combative. But wandering might be an issue. But as was said he will get worse, or my mother may find herself in a position where she simply cannot care for him the way she is now, so this may have to be considered. She is reluctant with regard to getting an aide to come in and help. I think she is worried that my father will freak out and that will be another thing she has to deal with. She is just reluctant to reach out for help period. As was mentioned I think she is just allowing the day to day tasks to be the distraction from dealing with the hard questions of the future.
And thanks for helping me to appreciate the reality of resentment, and that moving down there might make things worse. During visits my irritation eventually starts to show. I start off well, but by the last couple days of the visit I'm snappy and downcast. I know that is no help to anyone.
But once again I greatly appreciate everyone's input. It is so helpful and comforting. I will take it all under consideration.