I am expecting a baby in a month and my husband and I moved in with his mother who is 81 several months ago. She has a problem with hoarding pretty badly and the means to afford to get it cleaned up but refuses to do so. We started cleaning up and now she's halting the progress. We want to contact social services but are afraid if we do so we will be evicted by the state or by her if she accuses us of doing so. We can't afford to move out on our own right now. He is the only relative and heir to her estate who would be making decisions if things would be put into his control. We aren't sure if we should all suffer in silence or risk it and go forward with contacting someone and potentially end up displaced. We live on a seperate floor of the house and don't have to deal with the mess and health hazard she does but I still get worried. If we bring the issue up she gets very combative and abusive and threatens to kick us out.
Report her for what?
Is her home filthy? Are there roaches? Is she able to take care of her own daily needs? Is she mentally competent? Has she fallen before or demonstrated any deficit in ability to care for herself?
You and your husband are planning to stay to stay with her indefinitely because you can’t afford a place of your own. You may have to have your husband work with his mother to clean things up as she is his responsibility, not yours. Are you contributing to the upkeep of the home as well, or rent?
All I am saying is that his mother was gracious enough to let you two +1 move in with her because your husband can’t provide a place for the three of you, I would be a whole lot more gracious & think of other ways to work with your MIL to assure she is safe in her own home.
You don’t say you moved in to provide care for your MIL so I assume she doesn’t have a need for it. That what may be junk to you may have sentimental value to her.
The best you maybe able to do is tell her the hoarding is/will cause the nesting of bugs and rodents. This would be a health violation she could be taken from her house. (a little white lie) Cleaning out things she has "collected" is another thing. She is from an era when people kept everything just in case it might be needed. Its a mindset she has carried a little too far. Maybe u can get her to organize. Put things in totes. Then maybe u can discard little by little.
To be blunt...its her house. At 81, she is not going to change. The only way your husband can "take over" is if he has POA. If it reads, "when Mom becomes incapable of handling her own affairs", that will have to be proven for the POA to become into effect. I would recommend though that at 81 she have a full physical. Labs, testing, etc. To just rule out Dementia.
I would report this BEFORE the baby is born.
Has your husband been designated as her Power of Attorney?
Has she been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist?
In your shoes, I would talk to your doc (the OB who is going to deliver the baby) and ask her/his advice. S/he may be able to put you in touch with a social worker at the hospital/social services who can handle this situation.
You need to get this sorted. You REALLY don't want your baby taken away by Child Protective Services because your husband is pussy footing around his mom.
We want the mess cleaned up we dont want kicked out, I dont know what about this is so hard to understand to everyone. Were trying to make the situation better for everyone.
Alternatively, you need to get her an involuntary psychiatric evaluation.
Do you think you two can use this as leverage to get her to agree to some cleaning up? Your husband can tell her, sure, we can help you with xyz, but we need to tidy up a bit.
Does she know you two can't afford to move out? If not, she doesn't need to know. Your husband can tell her that his new baby can't live in a place with so much clutter and threaten to take her up on her threat to throw you out.
Maybe different terms may work. Don't say you will dispose of her stuff, just tell her they will be in boxes. Then later throw the boxes out.
MIL sure has some mental issues. Very hard to deal with for sure. If nothing can be done, keep to your floor, don't take the new baby anywhere near her.
Or did she agree to your moving in to start looking after her? I.e. you were helping her.
The reason I ask is that: you and DH, with baby on the way, move in to a house so large there is plenty of room for all, no problem. Your MIL then becomes very upset and agitated when DH and you begin to clean up a bit.
Has there been a longstanding problem with her wanting to isolate herself? Did you and DH question her mental health even before you moved in? How long was she used to living alone?
I don't know why you're afraid of being "evicted by the state." Your living quarters are separate from the fossilised dog poo area, and presumably fit for habitation. As for being thrown out by her... well, don't upset her. But don't upset her anyway, not just because you don't want to be evicted.
Her house needs clearing and deep-cleansing. She gets upset at the thought of it. What are you expecting Social Services to do about this? She needs attention to her mental health, is the first step. Any thoughts about addressing that much more fundamental issue?
I called plumber's in and got quotes to fix the problems, hired it done, replaced the toilet, I hired an old childhood friend to replace the drywall that needed to be removed to replace the old cast iron pipes that were corroded closed, I cleaned up the dog crap and then used 5 gallons of vinegar to get rid of the smell.
She was mad and she fought me tooth and nail. I wasn't having any part of this is okay. As she pitched a fit I cleaned, for 6 weeks I cleaned. For 6 weeks she threw a fit and brought 90% of the junk back in and I kept getting it out the door. That got items cleaned and aired.
I never finished her house, but I was able to finish the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom where her husband would be sleeping, he had part of his colon removed and I knew he would die if that pigsty didn't get dealt with.
As she was tearing me a new one, I just repeated that "no one in their right mind could live like this and if the state comes in they will haul you away, because they don't let people that are a danger to themselves live free!" That wasn't true, but she didn't know that and I was not going to leave that house as it was.
You knew what you were getting into before you moved in, so you are in a bit of a tough spot. However, you can clean up the filth and when she is jabbering at you hold your ground and say I am going to clean this up, if you throw us out, fine, but I won't be going anywhere until I am done cleaning up this place, it's the least I can do since you have allowed us to live here. Keep cleaning, you will eventually make a dent.
Don't force her to get rid of things, obviously animal waste needs to go, but not her stuff. Get boxes and sharpie markers and organize the stuff. Then when you are done she can pull it all out and clutter up again, but you will know that it is at least clean underneath and not sitting in waste.
You can't ask her to pay to clean up what bothers you. It didn't/doesn't bother her, she's not going to pay for you to feel better about her home. You and your husband are going to have to bite the bullet and clean up yourselves or find a new address.
Yes, she offered her home but you guys accepted. Or she asked and you guys said yes. So you have to do what it takes to get it cleaned, she should not be told she has to pay. That puts a stop right now.
Please tell me that the 81 year old has not been given the upstairs as her space.
As hard as it is, it is her home and house. She has the right to live as she chooses, but as her family you should step in and get this taken care of. Gloves, aprons and masks will protect you and if it is specially gross your husband needs to deal with it.
Good luck and remember, as we age it gets harder and harder to care for a large home, she is 81, give her the understanding of that.
I personally would say, you do that, they need to see this and get it on record.
I don't think living in fear is good for your baby.
Time to start cleaning up and let her call. You telling them that you are getting this place cleaned up to welcome your baby is not going to get you kicked out.
If you are both working why can't you find a small place or a trailer. It's crazy that you guys won't do what is needed, either clean the house or move.
Another item is that she doesn't have to leave a penny to your husband, inheritance is a gift not a right, so I wouldn't count on getting anything, if she needs care it could all be gone before her and it is ALL her money and assets as long as she is alive. It is hers for her care and for her to do with as she pleases.