Sounds horrible right? How could I even think this? Well hear me out as I really need advice before I crack :( My husband and I allowed my mom and father to move in almost 4 yrs ago. We also have two young children. We thought that by giving them financial freedom they would go off and explore and enjoy their later yrs. wrong :( Additionally, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and my father is disabled (but not to the extent he can’t help himself). But what has happened is, they spent the last 4 yrs with us and I can count the days they have left the house overnight (30 tops) and it has severely impacted my marriage and kids' mental health (lots of harsh backhanded comments on a regular basis from my father towards me and my kids). We had thought about asking them to move but I was overridden with guilt as my mom has been a wonderful mom and hard worker all her life. Fast forward and my mom is in hospice stages but able to do everything (hard to explain) after a couple months of not being able to care for herself. They gave her a short expectancy but she is thankfully still here months later. That being said we don't know how much time she has. But my father has put a tremendous strain on us and does literally nothing to help. My mom, with 3 forms of stage 4 cancer still waits on him cuz he is just too lazy to do it himself. Both my husband and I work FT and our kids are in activities. I do my best to take care of Everyone but I no longer feel like my house is mine. I do not want my mom to pass alone in some cold hospital or nursing home. However, now, it seems she may not even need hospice. But we have no way to know if she has months or yrs. but I can't live with my father for yrs at this point. My mom can’t drive and my father complains anytime he has to take her anywhere or help. He swears at her and now living with them - I see how much he just uses her :( Even my kids have asked if he can move out because he's made them feel so bad about themselves the last couple yrs. and he attacks us on our political and financial views when he hasn't had a steady job his entire life and has lived off the system for almost 15 yrs already. So the issue is really my father - not my mother. But what do I do? I feel like my family is trapped in our own home. We can't have friends over cuz they are “too loud”. My father has screamed at my kids friends and so now they are hesitant to come over. Its mortifying. So now I’m thinking of asking them to move again mostly because my father cannot stay after my mom passes. We just need our space as a family again:( But asking them to leave when I have no way of knowing how long my mom has is killing me inside. And I’ll have the constant worry knowing my father isnt helping her and is not treating her well. My kids are my everything and they are suffering, my mom is everything and it will break her heart. My father is selfish and a freeloader who is destroying our happiness. However, My mom will stick up for him always if I dare say a thing. Help!! Do I ask them to move or do I push thru not knowing if it will be months or years of this? I've found myself feeling hopeless and feeling like no matter what I do something will suffer: marriage, kids, family relationships - my mental health is screwed already no matter what path I choose. My other 5 siblings have done zero to help but will burn me at the stake at the suggestion of asking my parents to move at this point - even though I’d STILL be the one to help daily even if they move :( what do I do? I'm sick about this but I feel like I'm going to have a stroke due to the stress and just writing this out vs keeping it in my head causes me to feel heartbroken :( thanks for letting me blab on and any advice is appreciated!
Have you considered that your dad may be having cognitive issues? Or depression? Has he ever had a cognitive exam? I'm also hoping you (or someone) is durable PoA for your parents. If not, then your parents need encouragement to put this in place asap. I wish you courage and wisdom and peace in your heart as you work in your family's best interests while helping your parents.
What a rotten situation your parents have put you and your family in.
They need to go before you become a statistic. Unfortunately the parent child dynamic is to difficult for some to overcome when their children are adults and they force themselves on their adult offspring as though they have that right, and they don't.
Tell your sibling to step up and do 4 years of their own or mind their own business.
As hard as this is going to be, you need to tell them that they need to be out by the 1st of March and hand them a list of resources that you will have after you contact your local area on aging.
Your mom will have to live with the consequences of her choices, she can stay if she chose. DO NOT OWN her decision to defend her husband at her own expense. Your family has paid enough already.
You can do this!
It is time for the crabby old man to move out. Your mom enables him and she knows it.
Don't equate asking them to move to putting them on an ice floe and giving it a shove. You will still be helping your mom - a ton probably - although i recommend seriously rethinking how much you want to sacrifice for them. There are services they can get through the local office on aging or for fee.
Please come back and let us know how it works out. But please don't be afraid of "making waves" - you need to in order to protect your family if you are too afraid to protect your self. Good luck - it is likely to be pretty tough.
You took them into your home with exceptionally optimistic outlook about what in home care of elders actually is, as well as what end of life actually is. After four years they are quite happily ensconced.
You will need to sit them down and let them know that they will have to be moved by Summer. This gives time for Covid-vaccines, for exploring their options according to their assets and they wishes. You will tell them that you will be taking your own life and family back. No argument, no "reasons", no "discussions". That you have done all that you can and you are done, will love and visit them all their lives, but cannot do more.
The reaction to this will be quite telling. If your father, who already thinks he is head of family, refuses to move you will have to see an attorney about HOW to move them forcibly from your home.
I often tell people that once you take an elder into your home, even temporarily, it is next to impossible to change this around; I wish you the best of luck. The reasons are really not important; this isn't working. It will be a good deal of grief and unhappiness to get it changed, but change it must.
I remember people saying, “Your whole world changes after you have a child.”
Did I grasp the total concept of that statement? Absolutely not!
Oh, let me tell you that I was an involved aunt to my nieces, nephews.
I was very involved in my godchildren’s lives too.
But we all know that isn’t anything close to when we have our own children at home! Only then, do we truly understand what it’s like to raise children.
Why? Because it’s 24/7, 365 days a year!!!
Same with parents living full time with us. I had no clue how hard it would be!
Let me tell you how naive I was. I was exhausted running back and forth running here and there when my parents were in their home.
I actually thought that when mom moved in that it would be somewhat easier. Boy, was I wrong!
Why? Because we never get a break like we did before. We had some down time to ourselves with privacy in our homes. That completely stops when a parent moves in!
No privacy! Too much togetherness causes friction even in the best of relationships.
In relationships with issues it becomes a living nightmare!
I feel your pain. I am so sorry that you are enduring this frustration and torment.
Sit down, write a pro and con list. You know which one will come out on top.
Don’t make my mistake of burning out before I made drastic changes in my life. It isn’t
worth it!
Take care, everyone that posted to you on this thread is behind you! We are all pulling for you and wishing you and your family the very best in life.
Some of us bit off more than we could chew. All due to various reasons. It’s time to make changes though.
Take the first step. Things will fall into place. Don’t be discouraged by bumps in the road. Keep pressing on. You will get there.
Let us know how you are doing along the way. We care.
You don't tip toe around your folks and 'ask' if they want to move. You get the kids out of the house one night and have sit down 'come to Jesus' meeting where you air grievances and let them know while you love them, they are no longer going to be able to live with you. Period.
You could go so far as to have already vetted a few ALF's or small apartments where they can live as a couple. But the ultimate decision on where to go will be up to them.
You will need to be very firm and both you and DH must be on the same page.
Let them know you are NOT abandoning them, but rather enabling them to live independently and with dignity.
Your follks come in a distant 3rd after your spouse and your kids. Doesn't mean you don't care about them, but I doubt it's a surprise to them to find you are unhappy with the current living situations and must have a change.
I wish you all the luck!!!
I would talk to Mom first. I would tell her she is not the problem, that Dad is. His laziness and attitude are effecting not just you but your children. They can't have their friends over because of Dad. Thats not fair to them, Ask her if it is possible for them to move out on their own. Find a nice apartment or better an AL nearby. That way you can still help when "u can". But having Dad there is causing too much stress in your family.
Then start placing those boundries. Tell Dad that his attitude towards his grands are effecting them. That they can't have friends over because of it. Remind him that the house is yours. That inviting them to live there was in hopes to give them the freedom to travel. Not to sit around the house expecting his sick wife to wait on him and scream at his grands. Maybe he'll say "then we will move out". Then say you think that is best. But make your Mom know that you will be there for her. Your Dad I would not worry about. And when it comes to a point he needs help, I would not be the one doing for him. I would find others to do that.
You need to stand up to Dad. He needs to know that his actions are no longer going to be tolerated. 4 years in enough. Your husband is the "head of the household" (😊) and you should tell him its OK to put Dad in his place. My husband is a quiet man and easy going. My Dad could be hard to take but I have seen my husband kindly put him in his place. You need to get your life and home back. If Dad doesn't like the "new" you then he can always leave.
I would have my chat with dad -- you're going to start being nicer to everyone living here and who visits here. We have a lot of people in this house and we have to get along. That means that just because you think something does not mean you have to say it. We need YOU to help make this a better environment for all of us. If you have a problem, bring it to my attention.
You need to start helping yourself a little to help mom.
Call all the siblings, remind them how long you've been doing it without any help, and tell them you need help. Are they willing to take both of them for a couple of months and rotate them with everyone. Be prepared to tell them what your Plan B is: a-you intend to rock on like you've been doing or -b- both of them will be moving to an assisted living facility. So you need to come to terms with what you are going to do if sibs offer no help whatsoever. If you say you're going to place them and don't follow through, you will NEVER get any kind of help from sibs because it became a threat and not a plan.
Waiting on him does have a plus side - it keeps her active and doing things she has always done. It may not last for long, but at least her mind and body are busy. If you choose to continue as is, there is every chance that dad may not be as bossy without mom there because his life will change. The only good thing about going to an assisted living right now would be that they would be in same room together and get adjusted together. You wouldn't have to deal with 'what to do with dad' later on.
My mother lives in one (she is on their Memory Care side). It is like a beautiful hotel. I wouldn’t mind living there myself.
Best wishes.
Your mother made her bed and has chosen to stick up for an abusive, addicted man who disrespects everyone he's supposed to care about. That is HER choice, not yours.
If your siblings don't like your decision, THEY can move the freeloading Freddy father in.
Give them till spring to find new living accommodations or you will find new living accommodations for them.
Four years has been WAY too long as it is.
Enough is enough. Let your father be angry elsewhere. And if mother chooses to accompany him, again, that is HER choice she is again making.
Assisted Living is a beautiful thing...check into a few so that you have some information and suggestions when you have the conversation.
You have misjudged your parents needs and it is affecting your family and your mental health. Own up to it and help them move.
Hospice will continue to care for her in an Assisted Living Facility.
Dad will get help he needs and will get others do his bidding with a new audience.
Your priority is to your husband and kids. Not to your siblings or parents.
Go on a virtual tour of a few places when you narrow it down take mom and dad to visit.
Now is not the best of times to consider "Community Living" but please do not let that change your mind. You need to ask them to move for your family.
By the way none of know how long we have. The fact that your mom has a diagnosis that will shorten her life makes you think more about it but anything can happen to any of us at any time.
Sooo, I am a horrible person to give advice on this situation. I agree that yours sound absolutely horrible and unacceptable. I understand your mixed feelings and probably guilt, etc. But dad has got to go. And mom will likely want to go with him so there you have it.
Maybe start with a talk with them both about the things that are not working for you - like dad yelling at people. That the kids are scared of him. That you can't have people over the house since you don't want to subject them to his rude behavior. You can be nice about it. But it can set the ground work for when you have to ask them to leave. After living together for 4 years you know what it's like and how unlikely it is to change. Well, right now, your dad has no reason to change since there are no negative effects of it on him. He does it and gets away with it. Once he knows you have a problem with his behavior - then you can point it out as it happens again and again and then they will understand much better when you ask them to move into assisted living.
Good luck.