Follow
Share

Sounds horrible right? How could I even think this? Well hear me out as I really need advice before I crack :( My husband and I allowed my mom and father to move in almost 4 yrs ago. We also have two young children. We thought that by giving them financial freedom they would go off and explore and enjoy their later yrs. wrong :( Additionally, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and my father is disabled (but not to the extent he can’t help himself). But what has happened is, they spent the last 4 yrs with us and I can count the days they have left the house overnight (30 tops) and it has severely impacted my marriage and kids' mental health (lots of harsh backhanded comments on a regular basis from my father towards me and my kids). We had thought about asking them to move but I was overridden with guilt as my mom has been a wonderful mom and hard worker all her life. Fast forward and my mom is in hospice stages but able to do everything (hard to explain) after a couple months of not being able to care for herself. They gave her a short expectancy but she is thankfully still here months later. That being said we don't know how much time she has. But my father has put a tremendous strain on us and does literally nothing to help. My mom, with 3 forms of stage 4 cancer still waits on him cuz he is just too lazy to do it himself. Both my husband and I work FT and our kids are in activities. I do my best to take care of Everyone but I no longer feel like my house is mine. I do not want my mom to pass alone in some cold hospital or nursing home. However, now, it seems she may not even need hospice. But we have no way to know if she has months or yrs. but I can't live with my father for yrs at this point. My mom can’t drive and my father complains anytime he has to take her anywhere or help. He swears at her and now living with them - I see how much he just uses her :( Even my kids have asked if he can move out because he's made them feel so bad about themselves the last couple yrs. and he attacks us on our political and financial views when he hasn't had a steady job his entire life and has lived off the system for almost 15 yrs already. So the issue is really my father - not my mother. But what do I do? I feel like my family is trapped in our own home. We can't have friends over cuz they are “too loud”. My father has screamed at my kids friends and so now they are hesitant to come over. Its mortifying. So now I’m thinking of asking them to move again mostly because my father cannot stay after my mom passes. We just need our space as a family again:( But asking them to leave when I have no way of knowing how long my mom has is killing me inside. And I’ll have the constant worry knowing my father isnt helping her and is not treating her well. My kids are my everything and they are suffering, my mom is everything and it will break her heart. My father is selfish and a freeloader who is destroying our happiness. However, My mom will stick up for him always if I dare say a thing. Help!! Do I ask them to move or do I push thru not knowing if it will be months or years of this? I've found myself feeling hopeless and feeling like no matter what I do something will suffer: marriage, kids, family relationships - my mental health is screwed already no matter what path I choose. My other 5 siblings have done zero to help but will burn me at the stake at the suggestion of asking my parents to move at this point - even though I’d STILL be the one to help daily even if they move :( what do I do? I'm sick about this but I feel like I'm going to have a stroke due to the stress and just writing this out vs keeping it in my head causes me to feel heartbroken :( thanks for letting me blab on and any advice is appreciated!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Clearly you want to care for your Mum for as long as she has - but you need to develop a plan for your father when she passes. I think you and your husband need to sit down and decide what the family need to do with your father to stop the harm his presence is causing you as a family. If you plan now it will be easier not to be guilt tripped into doing something you don't really want to do when the time comes. If your father has never taken responsiblity or been responsible in his life up to now, he isn't going to have a sudden revelation and will continue to expect to be waited on - but then by you. If they have sold their property and lived with you not going out then he can presumably afford to pay for AL or a small apartment, he cannot go on living with you unless something changes drastically and either he needs to accept that or you need to make the decision he has to move out.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This doesn’t directly address your dilemma, but may help the way you think about your mother. After decades of normalizing bad behavior, it is unlikely she will see it for what it really is. Think of it as if she’s in a cult. I know it sounds strange, but this helped me in how I approach my MIL. What she puts up with is exasperating, but trying to get her to change is futile.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

So sorry you are dealing with this. I totally understand the misunderstanding of what you thought it would be like and what it actually has been like. When my parents moved in 5 years ago, I expected them (in their early 70s at the time) to continue going to FL for 4 months and doing other traveling. Well, that happened the first winter and then dad died. Major game changer, obviously. So now with 1 parent, alone in a new place, it hasn't been much fun. So, I was ignorant and didn't think through the what-ifs of the situation. Stupid on my part. But here we are.

Sooo, I am a horrible person to give advice on this situation. I agree that yours sound absolutely horrible and unacceptable. I understand your mixed feelings and probably guilt, etc. But dad has got to go. And mom will likely want to go with him so there you have it.

Maybe start with a talk with them both about the things that are not working for you - like dad yelling at people. That the kids are scared of him. That you can't have people over the house since you don't want to subject them to his rude behavior. You can be nice about it. But it can set the ground work for when you have to ask them to leave. After living together for 4 years you know what it's like and how unlikely it is to change. Well, right now, your dad has no reason to change since there are no negative effects of it on him. He does it and gets away with it. Once he knows you have a problem with his behavior - then you can point it out as it happens again and again and then they will understand much better when you ask them to move into assisted living.

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Sounds like Assisted Living would be a perfect solution.
Hospice will continue to care for her in an Assisted Living Facility.
Dad will get help he needs and will get others do his bidding with a new audience.
Your priority is to your husband and kids. Not to your siblings or parents.
Go on a virtual tour of a few places when you narrow it down take mom and dad to visit.
Now is not the best of times to consider "Community Living" but please do not let that change your mind. You need to ask them to move for your family.
By the way none of know how long we have. The fact that your mom has a diagnosis that will shorten her life makes you think more about it but anything can happen to any of us at any time.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I forgot to comment on your 5 siblings.  They don't have a dog in this fight because they aren't participating in your parents care.  Their opinions are irrelevant.  If they want to take them in, that's their business, other than that, they don't get to have a say in the matter.

You have misjudged your parents needs and it is affecting your family and your mental health.  Own up to it and help them move.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I would just sit them down and tell them pretty much what you have told us....that when you suggested they move in that you thought it would give them the financial freedom to travel and do fun things, but that hasn't happened.  Tell them you feel you have lost control of your household and that you need to focus on the relationship with your husband and raising your family.  Suggest that they move into their own place to allow for a bit of peace and solace for you and them.  Tell them you will assist their move.

Assisted Living is a beautiful thing...check into a few so that you have some information and suggestions when you have the conversation.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You owe it to your children to remove your toxic father from their home. THEIR home, not his home.

Your mother made her bed and has chosen to stick up for an abusive, addicted man who disrespects everyone he's supposed to care about. That is HER choice, not yours.

If your siblings don't like your decision, THEY can move the freeloading Freddy father in.

Give them till spring to find new living accommodations or you will find new living accommodations for them.

Four years has been WAY too long as it is.

Enough is enough. Let your father be angry elsewhere. And if mother chooses to accompany him, again, that is HER choice she is again making.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I think you and your kids are being abused - yes, the kids are being subjected to abuse, which is evil. Can you have an honest talk with your mother, explaining as you have above? Is she willing to defend his abuse of your family? Frankly, I would evict dad. Explain to mom it is her choice to stay with you or go with him. I know you love her and this is a terrible time for her BUT keep in mind that she has been enabling your dad for years. Like - where is her backbone? She sees what her husband is doing to your kids and she is OK with it? Protect your family, especially your kids. Abuse is evil.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Kindly sit your parents down. Explain that they need care beyond your abilities. Help them to locate an assisted living or senior apartment complex that they can afford - or that will take Medicaid. Help them to move and let hospice know what your mother's needs will be in their new home. Then, you can visit your parents as often as you wish without the stress of them living with you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Maybe visit some Assisted Living Facilities first. Once you have seen some YOU approve of, you will feel more comfortable telling your parents that things will change.

My mother lives in one (she is on their Memory Care side). It is like a beautiful hotel. I wouldn’t mind living there myself.

Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Overloaded2021 Jan 2021
Yes i started looking at some online and I feel like it would actually be an upgrade for them! And maybe they would actually meet some people their own age!!! Wish me luck! Thanks!
(9)
Report
What's going on is really what the norm is for your home. Mom always waited on dad while he sat around being waited on. He's irritable with her (and others) and she takes it because that's what she's always done. And you've taken it a long time too....meaning....everyone allowed it so he certainly can't see he's doing anything wrong. However, with all that said, sounds like you're ready for a change.

Call all the siblings, remind them how long you've been doing it without any help, and tell them you need help. Are they willing to take both of them for a couple of months and rotate them with everyone. Be prepared to tell them what your Plan B is: a-you intend to rock on like you've been doing or -b- both of them will be moving to an assisted living facility. So you need to come to terms with what you are going to do if sibs offer no help whatsoever. If you say you're going to place them and don't follow through, you will NEVER get any kind of help from sibs because it became a threat and not a plan.

Waiting on him does have a plus side - it keeps her active and doing things she has always done. It may not last for long, but at least her mind and body are busy. If you choose to continue as is, there is every chance that dad may not be as bossy without mom there because his life will change. The only good thing about going to an assisted living right now would be that they would be in same room together and get adjusted together. You wouldn't have to deal with 'what to do with dad' later on.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
rovana Jan 2021
I believe dad is an abuser and the kids must be protected from him. The fact that he may believe his behavior is "normal" does not make it so. What his wife decides to do is up to her, she can decide to take his nastiness, but the kids should be protected. Frankly getting your household "dad-free" is necessary for everyone's mental and physical health. Why should a nasty old man be able to tyrannize this family? Sure it has gone on a long time, so it's about time it stopped.
(6)
Report
Boundries should have been set from the beginning. Your husband should have stood up to Dad long ago. This is my house my rules. You don't talk to my wife that way and you don't talk to my children that way. But of course as the children we don't feel we have a right to do this but we really do. We are adults and as such need to be respected. It goes both ways.

I would talk to Mom first. I would tell her she is not the problem, that Dad is. His laziness and attitude are effecting not just you but your children. They can't have their friends over because of Dad. Thats not fair to them, Ask her if it is possible for them to move out on their own. Find a nice apartment or better an AL nearby. That way you can still help when "u can". But having Dad there is causing too much stress in your family.

Then start placing those boundries. Tell Dad that his attitude towards his grands are effecting them. That they can't have friends over because of it. Remind him that the house is yours. That inviting them to live there was in hopes to give them the freedom to travel. Not to sit around the house expecting his sick wife to wait on him and scream at his grands. Maybe he'll say "then we will move out". Then say you think that is best. But make your Mom know that you will be there for her. Your Dad I would not worry about. And when it comes to a point he needs help, I would not be the one doing for him. I would find others to do that.

You need to stand up to Dad. He needs to know that his actions are no longer going to be tolerated. 4 years in enough. Your husband is the "head of the household" (😊) and you should tell him its OK to put Dad in his place. My husband is a quiet man and easy going. My Dad could be hard to take but I have seen my husband kindly put him in his place. You need to get your life and home back. If Dad doesn't like the "new" you then he can always leave.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
my2cents Jan 2021
I wouldn't talk to mom alone about this because she will be fretting over what to do - clearly she can't make dad behave or it would have been corrected years ago.

I would have my chat with dad -- you're going to start being nicer to everyone living here and who visits here. We have a lot of people in this house and we have to get along. That means that just because you think something does not mean you have to say it. We need YOU to help make this a better environment for all of us. If you have a problem, bring it to my attention.

You need to start helping yourself a little to help mom.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Well--first off, you have NOTHING For which to be guilty! That's for people who did something wrong. And you didn't and haven't, so dump that right now!

You don't tip toe around your folks and 'ask' if they want to move. You get the kids out of the house one night and have sit down 'come to Jesus' meeting where you air grievances and let them know while you love them, they are no longer going to be able to live with you. Period.

You could go so far as to have already vetted a few ALF's or small apartments where they can live as a couple. But the ultimate decision on where to go will be up to them.

You will need to be very firm and both you and DH must be on the same page.

Let them know you are NOT abandoning them, but rather enabling them to live independently and with dignity.

Your follks come in a distant 3rd after your spouse and your kids. Doesn't mean you don't care about them, but I doubt it's a surprise to them to find you are unhappy with the current living situations and must have a change.

I wish you all the luck!!!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You’re headed for burnout and misery! I took care of my parents. It’s so hard! Especially when they move into your home.

I remember people saying, “Your whole world changes after you have a child.”

Did I grasp the total concept of that statement? Absolutely not!

Oh, let me tell you that I was an involved aunt to my nieces, nephews.

I was very involved in my godchildren’s lives too.

But we all know that isn’t anything close to when we have our own children at home! Only then, do we truly understand what it’s like to raise children.

Why? Because it’s 24/7, 365 days a year!!!

Same with parents living full time with us. I had no clue how hard it would be!

Let me tell you how naive I was. I was exhausted running back and forth running here and there when my parents were in their home.

I actually thought that when mom moved in that it would be somewhat easier. Boy, was I wrong!

Why? Because we never get a break like we did before. We had some down time to ourselves with privacy in our homes. That completely stops when a parent moves in!

No privacy! Too much togetherness causes friction even in the best of relationships.

In relationships with issues it becomes a living nightmare!

I feel your pain. I am so sorry that you are enduring this frustration and torment.

Sit down, write a pro and con list. You know which one will come out on top.

Don’t make my mistake of burning out before I made drastic changes in my life. It isn’t
worth it!

Take care, everyone that posted to you on this thread is behind you! We are all pulling for you and wishing you and your family the very best in life.

Some of us bit off more than we could chew. All due to various reasons. It’s time to make changes though.

Take the first step. Things will fall into place. Don’t be discouraged by bumps in the road. Keep pressing on. You will get there.

Let us know how you are doing along the way. We care.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Please put away any misplaced guilt, there’s nothing for you to feel guilty about, it’s sadness you’re feeling that the situation as what it is and that there’s nothing that will fix it. Clearly your mother knows and accepts your dad for what he is, and despite her health challenges this is what she wants. Time to prioritize your own family. Your husband and children don’t deserve to live in a tense and oppressive home. Without justifying or huge amounts of explanation tell your parents it’s time they moved to some form of assisted living, give a timeline, and help them find the one they can afford which best meets their needs. And siblings get zero say, even in your mind. I wish you the best in changing this and a positive path forward for your family
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

The simple answer is that you tell them that they can no longer remain in your home in your care. I am sorry to say it as though it IS simple, because when you do tell them that they have to be moved by a certain point, what will you do if they simply say "No. We're happy here. Thanks, anyway."
You took them into your home with exceptionally optimistic outlook about what in home care of elders actually is, as well as what end of life actually is. After four years they are quite happily ensconced.
You will need to sit them down and let them know that they will have to be moved by Summer. This gives time for Covid-vaccines, for exploring their options according to their assets and they wishes. You will tell them that you will be taking your own life and family back. No argument, no "reasons", no "discussions". That you have done all that you can and you are done, will love and visit them all their lives, but cannot do more.
The reaction to this will be quite telling. If your father, who already thinks he is head of family, refuses to move you will have to see an attorney about HOW to move them forcibly from your home.
I often tell people that once you take an elder into your home, even temporarily, it is next to impossible to change this around; I wish you the best of luck. The reasons are really not important; this isn't working. It will be a good deal of grief and unhappiness to get it changed, but change it must.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

My dad is has had addiction issues his whole life and moves from one vice to the next. He could be a completely active part of society but, again, now living with him these four yrs I realize he is one of the people who just expect the government and others to take care of him while he watches tv all day. Cognitively he’s fine - he’s just mad at the world. Which is now sadly, the memories my kids will have of their grandpa vs when he could have spent quality time with them. Its heartbreaking. Thanks for the replies! Helps just to talk out loud and not be judged!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
rovana Jan 2021
Why not do your dad a favor and evict him! Maybe he will be forced to "grow up". What he is doing is IMO not morally right.
(3)
Report
if one person is causing this much stress to you and is yelling at your kids and their friends and it is straining your marriage - what on earth are you debating here? You, your husband and your children are stressed out & you hate your home life - yet your crabby dad gets to call the shots? NO - do something about it now - your children are going to remember this - protect them.

It is time for the crabby old man to move out. Your mom enables him and she knows it.

Don't equate asking them to move to putting them on an ice floe and giving it a shove. You will still be helping your mom - a ton probably - although i recommend seriously rethinking how much you want to sacrifice for them. There are services they can get through the local office on aging or for fee.

Please come back and let us know how it works out. But please don't be afraid of "making waves" - you need to in order to protect your family if you are too afraid to protect your self. Good luck - it is likely to be pretty tough.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Great big warm hug!

What a rotten situation your parents have put you and your family in.

They need to go before you become a statistic. Unfortunately the parent child dynamic is to difficult for some to overcome when their children are adults and they force themselves on their adult offspring as though they have that right, and they don't.

Tell your sibling to step up and do 4 years of their own or mind their own business.

As hard as this is going to be, you need to tell them that they need to be out by the 1st of March and hand them a list of resources that you will have after you contact your local area on aging.

Your mom will have to live with the consequences of her choices, she can stay if she chose. DO NOT OWN her decision to defend her husband at her own expense. Your family has paid enough already.

You can do this!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I'm so sorry for your mom's ill health and the emotional dilemma you are in. I want to gently point out that your family is your first priority and obligation. Your mom defends your dad so she knows how he is and she chooses it. They should move out, into AL or a facility that has a continuum of care on the same campus: AL, LTC, MC and hospice. She'll be ok. Having them move out does NOT mean you don't love them. If you try to "push through" when it's possible your mom can be around longer you will most likely burn out first (because based on your post you are nearly there already). You must take care of you so that you can be there for your family -- and mom (and dad).

Have you considered that your dad may be having cognitive issues? Or depression? Has he ever had a cognitive exam? I'm also hoping you (or someone) is durable PoA for your parents. If not, then your parents need encouragement to put this in place asap. I wish you courage and wisdom and peace in your heart as you work in your family's best interests while helping your parents.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter