How do you let go of your mother when she passes away?
My mother passed away on Tuesday, November 2, 2010. Though I am coping well, I sometimes feel a sense insanity coming from deep inside. As if if boils over I will go completely insane. I feel like nothing I have ever felt before.
My mom and I got along in a way. We were so different. I feel so guilty that perhaps she was sicker than she led on and I was still so upset with her.
Not until she really got sick and couldn't do anything. And even then, I was so upset. But my momma was as stubborn as a mule and never truly accepted help from anyone until the very end.
It was hard to care for her and about her illness because she never let us get close enough emotionally because of her need to be so independent.
I already miss her though. I would rather a million nights more than to have her gone.
Do you just not think about it? Do you cry until feel like dying? How do you handle such agony? How do ask for forginess from some who is gone and with whom you had so much contradiction?
How do you let go of your mother?
18 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- What can I do to assure that I will be different than my parents are when I get older and need help?
- I am caregiver for my husband who has vascular dementia, where can I find caregiver support?
- Does anyone else feel like they just can't put anymore "care" into the "giving"?
- Does anyone else out there feel lonely and isolated since taking care of their parents?
My mother also passed away this year (on my birthday) but I had a different type of relationship that what (it seems) you had with your mother. It would be unfair for me to tell you how "I" reacted once she was gone is how you should react, only you can. Sometimes I am really sad, sometimes I am relieved, knowing that her confusion is over. I already made 'peace' with her passing long before she died. I loved my mother dearly, and although she always showed preference to my younger brother, I still knew what I did for her was the best I could. I wasn't perfect, no one is.
Please don't feel you are alone in the way you feel. There are much that you must work through, take time, allow yourselfs the time to go through the stages of grief. I had five years (while my mother wasin the decline of Alzheimer's) to do so. Some think I handled my mothers passing too easily!! God bless you, and remember,when you are going through hell...keep going!
Sometimes we all need to have a good cry. One thing that I have learned is that we cannot change things. I cannot change that my mother has Alzheimer's and that her memory is getting worse. You cannot change that your mother has passed away, but you can be assured that God has a plan for everyone. Your mom is not suffering anymore and she is now at peace. I'm sure she would want you to have peace as well. It seems that you did everything you could to assist your mother. Let go of the guilt.
I think your Mom's decision to refuse medical help or watch her diet was her way of deciding when she wanted to go. I saw this in some of my older relatives. My mother, too, is very independent and the distance she keeps from everyone makes her feel like she still has some control (although, it is sometimes tough for me to handle because it comes off as self-centeredness.)
There is no way around grief...it just needs to burn itself out....then you can figure out how to proceed with your life. You were so consumed with caregiving that there was little me time to figure these things out.
I would suggest getting out around "fun" people. You may still feel depressed inside, but it is important to surround yourself with positive, uplifiting influences now. Join a social group, take a short course, take up a creative hobby, and please continue to share your experiences with everyone here. Your advice and experience are invaluable.
Peace,
Lilli
My mom and I had a particular relationship. I am happy that the last 5 years or so she spend more time with me, in communication while she was living abroad or while living here with me. I know that I did, if not my best, at least some things to make her feel at ease. At least by leaving her alone most of the time, I think she was ok.
My guilt comes from perhaps not being more patient, perhaps not paying enough attention to her medications. But every time I would bring up her diet she would get mad, so I left her alone. Every time I would mention that she should take her medications as prescribed and not question everything, she would get mad, so I would leave her alone.
She felt in control that way, and I am glad that she did not suffer terribly. Though now that I have gone through this I know that unless you go fast by accident or heart problems, there is always some level of suffering.
I miss arguing with my mom, and with the recent events before her death, I even miss being angry at her.
Her sickness these last two months took so much of our time and thoughts (for my sister and me) that now I think both of us feel a bit lost. But I think we will both be OK.
Right now I feel confused as what I should do and what I can do. I feel like I shouldn't just pick up my life as before; and in another way I feel I should do so much. I feel I should live for her and the things she always wanted to do and didn't or couldn't do.
I know I can't live for her and can't do for her, but now that I have lost her, I feel life so short that I don't want to waste it.
Do you like arguing and being angry?
I think you and your sister will be fine. I also think you two need to talk with and support each other.
Your confusion sounds very confused to me. When you say that you feel like you should live for her, etc. you sound like a mother. and then like a daughter when you feel like you should just pick up your life as before. Sounds like some serious questioning of one's identity. Are you yourself that you were before or are you an extension of your mother's identity. Life is too short and you are not your mother or your mother's mother to seek to live for her and do the things she always wanted to do and either did not or could not do. You are you. Do what you want to do and can do. Be yourself or at least discover who you are apart from her.
See All Answers