How do you let go of your mother when she passes away?
My mother passed away on Tuesday, November 2, 2010. Though I am coping well, I sometimes feel a sense insanity coming from deep inside. As if if boils over I will go completely insane. I feel like nothing I have ever felt before.
My mom and I got along in a way. We were so different. I feel so guilty that perhaps she was sicker than she led on and I was still so upset with her.
Not until she really got sick and couldn't do anything. And even then, I was so upset. But my momma was as stubborn as a mule and never truly accepted help from anyone until the very end.
It was hard to care for her and about her illness because she never let us get close enough emotionally because of her need to be so independent.
I already miss her though. I would rather a million nights more than to have her gone.
Do you just not think about it? Do you cry until feel like dying? How do you handle such agony? How do ask for forginess from some who is gone and with whom you had so much contradiction?
How do you let go of your mother?
18 Answers
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My mother also passed away this year (on my birthday) but I had a different type of relationship that what (it seems) you had with your mother. It would be unfair for me to tell you how "I" reacted once she was gone is how you should react, only you can. Sometimes I am really sad, sometimes I am relieved, knowing that her confusion is over. I already made 'peace' with her passing long before she died. I loved my mother dearly, and although she always showed preference to my younger brother, I still knew what I did for her was the best I could. I wasn't perfect, no one is.
Please don't feel you are alone in the way you feel. There are much that you must work through, take time, allow yourselfs the time to go through the stages of grief. I had five years (while my mother wasin the decline of Alzheimer's) to do so. Some think I handled my mothers passing too easily!! God bless you, and remember,when you are going through hell...keep going!
I'm sorry to hear of your mother's death. I noticed from reading your profile that she was 70 and you are 47. Is there someone you can talk with about your grief? What else is going on in your life and how are you going to spend your time, now that you have so much free time?
What exactly are you feeling guilty about?
Unpack the contradiction between you and your mother. Are you talking about conflict or how completely different you two are?
What do you need to ask your mother forgiveness for?
Why do you wish that you had died instead of her?
I don't think you are going insane. I think you are very confused right now and quite possibly could be having an anxiety attack or on the edge of becoming a danger to yourself. If either is true, call 911 and get yourself some help.
I guess this is due to my own experience with a mother who never met my emotional needs, but used me to meet hers, but I'm having a hard time getting my mind around the idea of having an emotionally distant mother and what on earth do you have to feel guilty for when you have been the one taking care of her? You didn't make her the way she was. You could not control how she was. Nor, even if she had lived longer, could you fix how she was.
If there is a crisis hot line where you live, please call it. If there is a pastor, a priest, a rabbi, ect. that you know then call them. How is your sister and any other siblings that you have dealing with this? Please keep coming back and writing, I'm sure some others will have input to give but I also think we need to know more about the whole situation.
Sometimes we all need to have a good cry. One thing that I have learned is that we cannot change things. I cannot change that my mother has Alzheimer's and that her memory is getting worse. You cannot change that your mother has passed away, but you can be assured that God has a plan for everyone. Your mom is not suffering anymore and she is now at peace. I'm sure she would want you to have peace as well. It seems that you did everything you could to assist your mother. Let go of the guilt.
My mom and I had a particular relationship. I am happy that the last 5 years or so she spend more time with me, in communication while she was living abroad or while living here with me. I know that I did, if not my best, at least some things to make her feel at ease. At least by leaving her alone most of the time, I think she was ok.
My guilt comes from perhaps not being more patient, perhaps not paying enough attention to her medications. But every time I would bring up her diet she would get mad, so I left her alone. Every time I would mention that she should take her medications as prescribed and not question everything, she would get mad, so I would leave her alone.
She felt in control that way, and I am glad that she did not suffer terribly. Though now that I have gone through this I know that unless you go fast by accident or heart problems, there is always some level of suffering.
I miss arguing with my mom, and with the recent events before her death, I even miss being angry at her.
Her sickness these last two months took so much of our time and thoughts (for my sister and me) that now I think both of us feel a bit lost. But I think we will both be OK.
Right now I feel confused as what I should do and what I can do. I feel like I shouldn't just pick up my life as before; and in another way I feel I should do so much. I feel I should live for her and the things she always wanted to do and didn't or couldn't do.
I know I can't live for her and can't do for her, but now that I have lost her, I feel life so short that I don't want to waste it.
Do you like arguing and being angry?
I think you and your sister will be fine. I also think you two need to talk with and support each other.
Your confusion sounds very confused to me. When you say that you feel like you should live for her, etc. you sound like a mother. and then like a daughter when you feel like you should just pick up your life as before. Sounds like some serious questioning of one's identity. Are you yourself that you were before or are you an extension of your mother's identity. Life is too short and you are not your mother or your mother's mother to seek to live for her and do the things she always wanted to do and either did not or could not do. You are you. Do what you want to do and can do. Be yourself or at least discover who you are apart from her.
I think your Mom's decision to refuse medical help or watch her diet was her way of deciding when she wanted to go. I saw this in some of my older relatives. My mother, too, is very independent and the distance she keeps from everyone makes her feel like she still has some control (although, it is sometimes tough for me to handle because it comes off as self-centeredness.)
There is no way around grief...it just needs to burn itself out....then you can figure out how to proceed with your life. You were so consumed with caregiving that there was little me time to figure these things out.
I would suggest getting out around "fun" people. You may still feel depressed inside, but it is important to surround yourself with positive, uplifiting influences now. Join a social group, take a short course, take up a creative hobby, and please continue to share your experiences with everyone here. Your advice and experience are invaluable.
Peace,
Lilli
Peace.
It will take time, but you mourn however way you see fit to do so. In your dreams you will have the chance to talk to her and you can tell her all things you need too. I lost my dad in '72 and when I dream of him I still ask him questions.
You take care of yourself and lean on your family and friends if you need too, that' what they are for. But at those times when you are alone and you need to cry, just go ahead and let it out.
Take care sweetie.
I know time will make it easier. Since mom lived with me these last 3 years, I guess I'm the one that has to carry the guilt of "what could have been done" or the doubts from my siblings about her finances and her well being. But I can deal with all of that.
Just because of how she was is the hard part, but it was also just the way she was. I never knew if my mother was ever truly happy. I just hope that she was.
And time will pass and I will feel better.
thank you again.
I have almost the exact same feelings. My passed passed away very suddenly this week - the police had to call me at work to "return to my residence" - and I am still in shock. She has lived with me for over two years and I have done nothing but complain to and about her. I loved her so much but couldn't stand living with her. I KNOW I could have made her life happier but I had so much stress in my life that I just couldn't deal with her on top of it. I knew she was declining a few year ago but I couldn't move her up with me from Florida because my now ex husband was divorcing me but wouldn't leave the house. There was so much animosity there I was afraid he would do something to her when I wasn't home. I had to find a job ( I had been staying home with our children) because he cleaned me out financially and did some other underhanded stuff to destroy my credit rating too, but couldn't work full time because of the kids and then later mom. I finallty moved her up from Florida when he officially moved out and I changed the locks. I went back to my first career and am working with special needs kids. (School hours let me be home earlier than a 9-5 type job.) I LOVE it and the kids, but after being with them all day, coming home to a "special needs" adult was too much. I met all her needs and tried, tried, tried to be loving (and was very often) but would snap when she would do some of her nonsense. I have tremendous guilt because of it and don't think I will ever work that through. I do talk to others and they keep telling me "you did the best you could" but what if you feel that wasn't good enough? I certainly feel she deserved better. She never complained or yelled back. I wish she had, maybe it would have made me stop and think. Now my name here should be "ReallyHateMyself".