Cclarkphxaz Asked February 2016
How do I cope with a boss who is growing less tolerant of family needs?
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I can't quit my job. I'm not permitted to work off site, although it is easily done in my work environment.
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My thought is always though, who will do this for ME when its my turn? I certainly will not expect my children to do this. I'm going to see if I can get as much care as possible in house and if I can't at some point exist independently, then I will check myself into an AL situation. I just don't understand why our parents generation thinks they are entitled to having their children ruin their careers, relationships and lives for them. As a good friend pointed out, her parents came to this country and LEFT their parents to fend for themselves in the old country and never looked back. Many of us are children or grandchildren of immigrants who did exactly the same thing! No one considered them thoughtless or selfish. Its interesting that this generation feels they must give back everything, including their soul for their parents in gratitude for raising them. Anyway, I found that my friend's observation interesting.
What you can do is protect yourself by planning for an unfortunate outcome. If you haven't already, start inventorying the jobs you've managed, problems that have arisen and how you solved them, etc. Inventory the various skills you've used - dealing with tradespeople (probably many men), managing multiple trades, integrating them into a project, project management tasks, construction scheduling, maybe some CPM scheduling as well. These are valuable skill sets.
If you can carve out any time, start networking in trade groups. I once joined a project management group, at which one of the meetings was a blend of knowledgeable and highly placed, visible people in various aspects of project management of a massive utility project. I made a few good contacts; didn't hurt that there were only 2 women there - myself and one of my co-workers.
If you have the nerve, and I'm not sure I would, have a frank talk with her and ask her if she's planning any drastic action, and if so, what solutions can be created to avoid a dismissal. I know it's hard to think in those terms, but you do want to be prepared to preserve what I suspect is a challenging and promising career.
If you don't have time to socialize with the management of the various trades involved, try to get more acquainted with them so you can use them as references.
Don't forget the government folks as well; I'm sure you're dealing with building inspection departments. Even though I doubt many would stick their necks out to give recommendations, there are some. That's how I found a plumber decades ago.
And in fact one of the projects on which I worked was eased along by compliments from the community's building staff to our client, which had brought us in b/c of difficulty with the local building department.
Dealing with architectural and inspection folks can grease the skids to keep a project moving and get an occupancy cert issued. These are important skills, so cultivate those folks and perhaps they might be supportive if anything unpleasant happens.
And, if a worse case seems to be materializing, think about part time, FMLA, or even resigning voluntarily; it'll look better on your resume than an involuntary departure.
Personally I'd try to work out a dismissal in the near future that allows you to file for unemployment benefits & get a decent reference right now while you have current projects and some negotiating room in all this. Ask your clients if you can list them as refernces. Go through your files to get names, etc now for future work needs. During the unemployment period, you find a caregiving situation for your folks so that you can go back to work at another firm say in 2 years. Try to find out if getting unemployment allows you to have a part time job with income & if so what the limits are. Id bet yiumare allowed to make a few hundred a mo in part time "work". You want your folks to do a personal care contact with you to pay you right under the unemployment income limit if so. Doing this keeps your own SScredits building and add a bit to your income during this period. Contract if done by atty are totally legit for Medicaid.
My crystal ball is a bit hazey but it seems to show that mom will have an incident within the next 2years & need to go into a NH. Dad gets in NH or AL. Being on unemployment with its flexible time constraints will be almost ideal. Plus you will need to look for a new job and utilizing the states unemployment database could find one with even better projects & clients than the old company ever had. Make this a win win for you.
In my case, I opted for making someone's care my new job, and it turned out that saved my life because I was so caught up in the job thatI wasn't doing what I should have for my health, si it was only learning ehst I needed to properly care for someone else, I got a chance to save myself. This isn't going to be true for everyone, however, if money, power, and/ or influence, are any driving forces for choices, your choices will always be wrong. Get help!
Call a meeting with your boss and explain to your boss what is going on with your parents. At this meeting also go over how your work is not suffering but rather continuing to be of the highest quality. Give the boss handouts about caregiving. Communication is key.
I'm in the same boat, starting to hear rumbles of discontent about how often I need to run out to take MIL to an appt. or pick up a kid from school. My review is coming up, so I've started making a small list of what I do around the office that is "extra" - so they can see that although they are "putting up with" some difficulty with me, I also go above and beyond for them. Hoping this will help compensate and appease some of the grumbles.
You might try that, making a list of things you do that go above and beyond. Hopefully you can show them that overall you are an asset to the company. And someday your boss will likely know about how hard this juggling act is, because it will happen to someone in her life :(
My moms biggest ongoing issue is extreme memory loss due to a stroke. Most days she depressed and irritable with a "my life sucks" disposition. Hard not to get resentful considering all I'm dealing with because of her. Of course, then I feel guilty for that and then get resentful of my boss and my mom, then everyone in my life. Lastly I get mad at myself for the pity party, poor me, BS.
It's a never ending circle of emotions that I can't pull out of anymore. It's only going to get worst too. UHG!
I can understand that a construction manager should be on the job; if something goes wrong you may need to make instant decisions. I'm wondering though if you can train promising tradeswomen or tradesmen as assistants, gradually accepting more and more responsibility so that they can support and/or substitute for you in the event of an emergency. The bottom line should be that all events and possible on site issues are addressed timely, safely and within budget. Is there a way that you can create workarounds that meet these criteria but still allow you time for caregiving?
I've been thinking of the tradesmen who've provided work for me; their boss is rarely on site, and has assigned specific individuals with specific tasks; they keep in touch by cell phone and send photos if an issue arises. But the boss has to have confidence in his/her employees in order to extend this responsibility. Do you have workers that could be trained to support you in this manner?
I'm wondering how long your boss has been in the business, and if she still feels a need to prove herself which is part of wanting you on site all the time. I'm wondering also if this is a WBE contractor or subcontractor and your boss reports to another contractor which might be influencing her decisions.
Is it possible that you could do the paperwork at home but spend the supervision time on the job site?
This is an interesting and challenging situation, one in which a woman who might otherwise be sympathetic doesn't even understand the basic issues you're facing.
Wish I had some better suggestions.
I am so glad I never used FMLA to use for my parents because I came down with a serious illness that required surgery and I needed every single day of FMLA for myself.
Me being out of the office didn't sit well with the boss. Eventually headquarters eliminated my position because it noticed that other employees were able to share my work. Gone was an excellent job that had great benefits such as matching 401(k), health insurance, profit sharing, paid tuition, etc.
I was heartbroken, and very resentful of my parents because they could have changed but were too stubborn in their ways. If they could have changed, I would still have that fantastic job.