Mom expects me to do it all with no help from my sister. How can I change this?

It is so difficult when a parent's retirement and care plan is one (or all) of their children. Many on this forum have been "assumed" into the caregiving role. You are not obligated to take this on. Neither is your sister, so please stop asking her.

You are operating from within the F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt). You do not have to accept this. The only person you have control of is yourself. The caregiving arrangement only works if it is working for both parties. You have come to realize it is not working for you. Therefore YOU need to make a decision on what comes next. Cancer or not, your mom must accept and finance outside help, or transition into a AL facility. You can resign as her PoA (if you actually have this authority). If you think it's bad now, just wait. Maybe read some of the other posts under the Burnout topic on this forum to understand that you aren't going to rescue her and if you stay you will be ground down to a nub. You will need to make a decision that feels very difficult, and is emotionally, but you must take action. I wish you much courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as your set up a healthy boundary to protect the rest of your life.

Next appointment that comes up tell mom you are unable to take her.
You can either arrange medical transport for her (at HER expense) or she can call your sister and ask her for help for that appointment.
And I suggest that you do that for every other appointment so you alternate.
If your sister is busy when it is her turn then arrange medical transport.
Often Public Transportation in an area has a pick up and drop off for seniors or those that are disabled so it is possible that it would not cost what a private medical transport would. Or there is always a cab, or a Ride Share program. Some Senior Centers have Volunteers that will drive someone to a Doctors appointment. Often the ride has to be scheduled with 48 hours notice so they can get a Volunteer lined up.

First I have to say, how absolutely horrible it is that your mom told you that you're the reason she has cancer. Shame on her!!! That is beyond a low blow. She should be so grateful that she has at least one daughter who is willing to help her. But it obviously sounds like it's just getting to be too much for you, so it's time to hire some outside care to come in to mom's home to help her. At her expense of course. Either that or placing her in a facility is an option as well. You nor your sister are responsible for the care of your mother. You both have your own lives and deserve to be able to live them how you see fit. You say you want to run away, so secondly I will say to you-----RUN!!!!! And don't look back!

I think that you have every reason to run. I am so sorry that she laid her cancer diagnosis on you, that is a bridge to far and she just ruined any help available from you, in my opinion. I would tell her that I don't want to cause her any more illness so I will be stepping away and hope it works out for her.

Saying that to you is abuse and you should not tolerate it for another day.

Let her figure out how to get her needs met.

Great big warm hug!

I myself would be not a very good support to someone who told me that I am responsible for their illness, no matter it is pure nonsense to say something like that. After all, if you CAUSED an illness, your being thee couldn't HELP it, now, could it?
You cannot change your Sister and your problem is not with her. It sounds as though she has WISELY moved away from her mother whatever her own reasons. You can only make decisions for yourself.
I would sit down and tell your mother that you can no longer be responsible for her many needs. That you will be able to help out much less than you have been and you will require sufficient notice for drives to appointments and etc. Supply your mother will needed phone numbers. Others such as American Cancer Society will direct your mother to volunteer services available to her.
Many people struck down with cancer do not have children who can help, who live nearby enough to provide any support. Your mother would do well I think to learn what life is like when you have no one to help, or when you abuse your caregiver to the extent they choose to withdraw a bit.
I am certain that your mother is having difficulty dealing now; that is not an excuse to be cruel to others, and especially to a daughter attempting to help. You would be wise to step away. Your mother is using pain and guilt, and attempting to change you into a whipping post. She would do well to understand where that may work against her.
I wish you good luck.

When Mom lost her license, I was it. I was married and TG could work p/t. The other person who shared my job and I agreed to work a week on and a week off. So I made Moms appts on the week I was off at my convenience. I found her PCP had her coming in every 2 months. I found there was no reason for that so I cut her down to when she was sick or needed a med re-prescribed every six months the state mandates. Specialists, once she was stable, numbers were good, I asked for every 6 months and one a year before she needed to be back.

From the start, we picked a day good for the both of us and that was our shopping/errand day. Since I lived in the same town about 5 min away, I could pick up a prescription and drop it off. If not an emergency, anything I did for Mom was done when I could do it. But, my Mom was never demanding.

I did Moms bills once a month. I know, the paperwork is the worst. But someone has to do it.

When it comes to pre and especially post surgical care, why is not homecare requested? I am not a nurse and addimate about what I will and will not do. Our Township is lucky that we have a nonprofit Visting Nurse Assoc. that can go into homes and help with this sort of thing.

Seems like Mom is not an invalid and has no problem with her ADLs. If she needs her house cleaned, she needs to hire a cleaning lady. Lawn mowed, needs to hire someone. I would ask sister again if there isn't something she can do for Mom to give you a break. To be honest though, I would want to be there during Moms doctor visits.

I suggest you write a list of things you don't mind doing and a list of things that you don't like doing or can't. The things you don't like doing is there someone else who can be hired to do them. Things sister could do without contact with Mom. Tell Sis not to look at it as doing for Mom but doing for you. And if Mom expects you to jump when she calls, this is where u set boundries. She needs to understand you have a life separate from hers. Other responsibilities that trump hers.

I have a feeling there is a lifetime of problems going on here. And as Alva says, sister has chosen to stay away maybe for her sanity. Does Mom fit the description of a Narcissist? Is she passive-aggressive?

Please do not continue to accept this abuse!

Who has POA for her?

Well, if it helps, you’re not alone. We are two sisters. Live same distance away. I do 95% (or more?) of everything. Sister swoops in when there’s something in it for her. With her, I’m nearing radical acceptance. But dad goes on and on and on about how busy she is and that he doesn’t want to burden her. She’s busy telling everybody how busy she is... It’s super frustrating that he goes on and on to me about how much stress she is under. Picture eye rolling here...

Good luck! Not my sister here,, but Mom lives with hubs and I. I work full time and hubs is retired ( early, he got laid off about the time the parents moved in, and it made more sense for him to take over the house/parent stuff than for me to quit my very nicely paid job with great benefits) Mom is very aware that hubs is available to take her to apts and such.. but she "hates to bother him"! I can understand Dr visits where clothing may have to be removed.. but the Dentist?? The hairdresser?? where is my day off?? Sometimes we just schedule those when I work and she has to deal with it. I have addressed this with her.. she still thinks I have no problem with no real time off to just freaking relax,,

Wow. What a narcissist you are dealing with. Both of those comments as well as the level of reaction (flies into a rage) are way out of line with normal behavior. I don't have any action plan to offer you except that when she goes back to the hospital (and she will most likely), have your plan made. Read from a script that you wrote in advance if you have to: "No, my mother cannot come to my home. Yes, she can go into a rehab facility and go into a care home/hospice as needed." I don't have first-hand experience but one of my closest friends was married to a narcissist for 17 years. No matter how much you give and give and give, you will never get credit for it, your next mistake will never be forgotten, and you will always fall short. She will keep you jumping through hoops. I'm sure she has "trained" you over your life that this is what you have to do -- take and take and take. Please give yourself grace and say no. YOU DID NOT GIVE HER CANCER FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!!

The good news is that she can manage things at home okay, for now.
The awful news is her telling you such a horrendous LIE!

As for sister helping, don't hold your breath. She's already declined. Regardless of what your mother thinks or says, even if mom was on board, I doubt your sister will help. I had to get past that with TWO brothers. The more you focus on that and get angry that she does nothing, the worse YOU will feel. Your frustration and anger for sibling not helping does NOT hurt the sibling.
Let that go.

I agree that you should be working on getting a POA in place. Since it doesn't appear that your mother has dementia, it should be easy enough. If she balks, focus on her health and say it's only in case you are in the hospital, so I can manage things for you. It really is in case someone is incapacitated, so that their bills get paid! Even though you have the healthcare proxy (presumably through the doctors/hospital), might as well get the MPOA done when DPOA is done - then if she ever has to see a different doc, paperwork exists already!

With cancer, she probably has a number of appts. If things are going well, perhaps they can spread them out a bit more? I know what you mean about the hearing - sometimes even when their hearing is okay they don't quite understand, but my mother's hearing is really bad! Hiring someone would be primarily for taking her to appts, but as you say, you need to be there to know what is said or to be done. Is it possible to do some of these appts as virtual? If they don't need to actually touch her, just check in, maybe see the incision via the virtual display? Check with them. Medicare does pay for these.

You wouldn't want to hire someone to handle the paperwork - and yes, I know that can be a lot too, esp if you are still working. I was laid off and decided to retire then, which was best for me as I could not have continued working and doing all I did/do for my mother!

HOWEVER, being sent home with a drain and any other medical types of handling, they should have set you up with home nurses (not full time, they just come in, can check mom's vitals and do the necessary deeds with the drain!) Medicare should pay for this service, esp if she is homebound, which I would think she is! It sounds like perhaps she is past that, BUT, anything else she needs like that, ASK the doc to set it up! Medicare will provide a very limited amount of in-home help for personal care, so don't be afraid to ask for it!

I wasn't even her age, but begged to go home after weeks in the hospital. I was on TPN (IV nutrition, not allowed to eat) and several heavy duty IV antibiotics. They DID set me up at home with a pump, a feed "bag", shipped antibiotics and feed to my house, nurse came every day to check vitals, set up feed bag with vitamins, weekly or so clean the "port", draw blood for testing/adjustments of antibiotics, etc. It is MUCH less expensive for them to send a nurse for a short time than it is to keep me in the hospital! It was SO much better being in my own bed, with my kitties!!

So, here is the summary:
1) Forget about getting sister to help. Let that go. Waste of energy.
2) If mom says hateful things, try to overlook them. If not, try some humor.
If my mother did things like that, I would turn it around on her and say
something like 'Sure, I gave that to you, keep it up and I'll do it again!'
Probably best to just let it slide. Avoid topics like sister that might rile her.
3) Work on getting DPOA and MPOA.
4) See if you can reduce the frequency of Dr appts, or make some virtual.
5) If mom needs any kind of personal care, ask the doc to order it and get help!

Is there a hospital social worker who can help you with follow up plans for post surgical care? Dealing with drains seems like something a visiting nurse could or should do. Don't expect your sister to help--you'll be banging your head on the wall. I have seen this scenario many times and it's really unfair to the caregiver. I don't envision your mother as being cooperative enough to make phone calls. Definitely get a power of attorney. I've been applying for services, rent assistance, Social Security, etc for my brother who likely has early onset dementia and so far seems to appreciate it. I wasn't sure how well it was going to go over. But I asked, "You know all that stuff I've been applying for on your behalf? I want a piece of paper that says you've given me (and others in our family) permission to do this, so no one hassles us". No problem. For the POA I would find an elder law attorney familiar with mood and cooperation--they'll understand rescheduling appointments. If she's completely uncooperative you may be looking at guardianship. They can also give you ideas about dealing with her. I would also contact a geriatric social worker in your area for help. Good luck!

Short answer: Run away. You are being taken advantage of. Give Mom sis's number and leave for a week or more. Just because your Mom has cancer doesn't mean you have to be her whipping boy. Stop doing this to yourself!

Sorry that your sister will not take any responsibility in helping your mom. Trying to get your mom to pressure your sister will probably end up without more help AND everybody having hard feelings.

This is a stressful road, not only because of the cancer but also because of the family dynamics and issues. Talk to social worker that is part of your mom's cancer team. He/She will be able to help you find more resources to care for your mom and take some of the pressure off of you. Accept all the help your mom's insurance and the community can offer.

Run away! I did and I survived.

Sounds like your mom is an enabler to your sister and probably gives her the expectation that she doesn’t have to help. The parent and not your sister (in a sense) is the problem. However she is an adult now & that’s no excuse for her behavior, she is probably the favorite child as well.
I am going through a similar situation with my sister, we alternate every 2 or 3 weeks. When I first started helping (I live out of town) and came to moms house the first time it was filthy & and my mother was being physically neglected, I was appalled! My sister is present physically but is lazy and does nothing but watch tv all day. My mom is just like your mom enabling my sister to hold no accountability towards her care...and gets angry if I ask her to tell my sister to help out when she is there!

Call for a family discussion and get serious if you are not going to receive some help. If you do not take care of yourself you will not be able to take care of anybody. This was my advice from not one but two medical professionals!

Your sister is letting you do all the work. Your mother is over burdening you and trying to guilt you into doing everything. Both of them are being unfair on you. To protect your own health, start saying No to some of these demands. Make a list of all the help you provide, decide which of these you are prepared and able to do, then give your mother and sister the list and ask them to work out who will do everything else that you cannot do. Expect tantrums, shouting and other bad behaviour but stay firm about how far you can help and don't give in. The suggestion from your mother that you are responsible for her cancer doesn't even merit a reply to her. If she repeats this, walk away. You don't deserve such abuse.

To be honest it sounds like both of you have good reason to run. Neither of you is required or obligated to take care of you. If you are able and willing to do it then why not hire a caregiver if there is money for it? (Or if she’s Medicaid eligible, try to get a caregiver through one of their home & community based waver programs) Additionally assuming your mom is on Medicare, when she’s released from the hospital Medicare will probably pay for short term home health-a CNA will come out & province home health services including bathing her. It is OK to bring in someone else take care of the hands on work or to help lighten the load.

Miatagirl, you are getting great advice here. I'm an only child with a 93 year old mother who tries to monopolize my time through guilt (my entire life). Some of the best advice I've received is to think with your head and not your heart. Consult the professionals and make sure your mother has care from skilled professionals so you don't take it all on. Set boundaries for yourself and what you will and won't do for your mother. Have this discussion with your Mom and sister as a family meeting, and work toward a healthy balance for all of you. It's a struggle to get everyone on the same page, but you need to do it for you and your health and well being. Good luck to all here!

“Mom, if I am responsible for your illness I think it’s best that I distance myself from you.” Period! Is she needs assistance it would be in her best interest to call her other daughter (your sister). Don’t answer her calls. Don’t cave in! Next you and your sister need to meet and confront your mother telling her that she needs to move to an AL. You are the weak one and your mother knows this. Don’t allow her to manipulate you any longer. Free yourself!

Oboy! You’re in the tough spot. For decades I was not able to stand up to Mom; but when this stage arrives you need to stand up for yourself. Your sister is not treating you well either. Let them know what you think is reasonable for you to do and, beyond that, either Sis helps or professional help comes in. <One Person Cannot Do It All.>

Personally if you don’t have POA as you stated, why would you want to take that on? She can pay her attorney to do that. Yes, it will be costly but you won’t be dealing with it. You are not required to be POA just because you are her child. But hearing how your mother is, she will balk at it. I feel sorry for you. You might as well accept that you are basically an "only child" as you stated your sister was as bad as your mom on the narcissistic scale.
wheat would happen if you died tomorrow? How would her needs get met? Think about that and then put that plan into action instead.

Can she sign a HIPAA release and can you get access to online records? I have access and it was a lifesaver when 91 yo Mom went into hospital and they hadn't activated the hcpoa. They've since done that. I had access to the mychart system and was able to see all doctor, pt and nurse notes. I relayed it to my sister who is now hcpoa.

Do you have any local agencies that can help? Even if your mom is opposed, you cannot do it all yourself. As hard as it is, finding a balance that works for you is critical. The whole family should be involved; that includes mom and sister helping out (mom needs to realize you cannot be everything and sister should be stepping up despite what mom says or does)
My mom is 89 with signs of dementia and still lives at home. Thankfully she can afford to pay for help! My husband and I still work and my siblings live several states away, so it takes a load off having someone here to keep an extra eye on things. They take her to appointments (as DPOA, I phone conference with dr staff to go over appts and any changes), run grocery errands, and light household tasks. God send! God Bless and I pray you find peace over your situation ....it takes a village!

I recommend contacting the American Cancer Society. The LLS was of great help with rides and funding and help when my sister-in-law had leukemia. There is a network of volunteers. Also, do you have a Villages where you are? It's a nationwide network of vetted volunteers that shop, give rides to doctors, check in calls, and more. There is not a Villages set up everywhere though, and I'm so fortunate to be in an area that has many of them. We also have something called Teens Helping Seniors that do shopping. It started at our local high school by a teen and I believe that has gone nationwide. They will do all your shopping. See what things are happening in your area to give you a break. Also, this goes for just aout anything, show youtube videos of seniors who are successfully coping with the pandemic, cancer, and the other things. If your mom could be more independent, even at her advanced age, it would give you some relief.

Boy those are some abusive words from your Mom! I'm sorry she is treating you so badly. I can't say for sure but it could be that your sister is keeping her distance so she too is not the subject of Moms abuse.

Regardless of your sisters choices you need to take care of you. There was no way I could care for myself and meet the expextations of my parents. I found it best if I obejectively figured out what I was willing and able to do and I set those limits. Notice I did not JUST say able, but also willing. We are all able to do things that in the end cause us harm, but are you OK with doing that?

It was difficult to find a good balance and there were many times I had to adjust where I was at with caretaking. I had help from a good counselor and the people on this forum. Dad has since passed and Mom is on hospice. It has not been easy but it got easier once I included my own well being into the mix.

You have already talked to each of them.

Now, you need to decide what you are willing to do and let them both know and then follow thru.

Mare a list of everything you do or needs to be done and tell your mom and sister to choose half of the List and you have the other list to be responsible for.

If she doesn't comply then you choose half of the list and send the other half to your sister with a copy for your mom.

Then only do what is on your list!

If your sister is too busy, she can arrange and pay for help for her half of the list she's responsible for.

Let them know that if it can't be worked out then your mom will have to go to a Senior Home To Live.

You have a right to your life and it's not fair for you to be responsible for all her care.

Im sure you're just as busy as your sister.

Your sister has to make time or pay someone to do her half.

Sister is busy? That's her problem. You have just as much a right to be busy as she does. And you have a right to expect your siblings to share in your parents care equally in one form or another. This might involve monetary help when they can't or don't want to do their share of the physical work. But it must be fair for you. You must split duties equally with your sister. You mother must back you up on this. If sister simply refuses demand mom reduce her share of her estate in her will. If mom refuses to cooperate, walk away till she does.

Don't be a patsy either to your sister or your mother. Lay the law down.

It's horrible when a sibling won't share the load.  My brother and I had it out and didn't speak for 3 years.  All I did was ask him to split all of the work with me so that I could come up for air.   He had the time to help because he worked out of his home, he had the money...he makes 3 times what I make and he has a nursing degree so he we well versed in dealing with patients and he still REFUSED.  It is what it is and either you choose to handle your moms care or you don't.  You don't have control over your sisters actions, only your own.   I thought I was having nervous breakdown because I was cutting moms grass, paying her bills, doing her grocery shopping, managing her doctors appointments and taking off from my job to take her to the appointments, picking up prescriptions and filling the pill dispenser, then calling her and telling her to take the pills, filing her taxes, doing her laundry, taking the crazy phone calls from her while I was at work...it was horrific!  I finally sold her home and car and moved her into assisted living (by myself) and it was a lot.  BUT, once I did that, it cut my work in half.  

My a$$hole brother and I do speak and see each other now, but I will never feel the same about him and never forgive him for not helping.  I have seen the real him.  You really only have two choices.  Forget about your sister and set things up so that you can manage them.  (work smarter, not harder mentality) or  you can walk away just like your sister has done. 

Somehow I don't think you're going to do that...so, get the POA in order,  and have multiple originals made.  Ask moms oncologists office for guidance getting mom some in home care.  She more than likely qualifies for something.  Plus there are organizations that can help....seniors helping seniors, teens helping seniors, the American cancer society, etc. 

Good luck and take care of yourself.