My older sister and I both live near my 86-year-old mom, who has cancer. I am responsible for every doctor's appointment and all the paperwork and pre/post surgical care, while my sister does nothing. It's getting to be more than I can handle. When I ask my sister to help she says she is too busy. I know she would have a harder time saying no to mom, but when I ask mom if she can sometimes call my sister for help, she flies into a rage. She says I am "pulling the rug out from underneath her," and tells me I am the reason she got cancer. What can I do? I want to run away!
Sounds to me like your issue is truly with your sister and not Mom.
Dealing with siblings and delegating responsibilities can be very difficult!!
My advice is for you and Sis to have a heart to heart!!
Leave Mom out of it if at all possible!! She has enough on her mind dealing with cancer!
Best wishes!!
Id also tell the mom since she thinks that you caused her cancer, you are stepping back from her care bc you don't want to make her sicker. Funny how that works.
They will moan, whine, throw fits. You have to get a backbone and get help.
You have to stand up to them, bc they have both been controlling you. Sister by not helping and leaving it all on you. After you get help there will be hiccups bc mom will try to get rid of them. Let mom wait for dinner, or your arrival. Not enuff to hurt her, but to let her know she can't control the situation and your not dropping everything and running. So what you go thru a few carers. She will learn to like them. Narcs will always love new people bc it is a new audience. My mom would turn on the charm for a stranger then try to berate in private.
You have to get a backbone and thicker skin. Only you can do that. Start lining up carers now.
Let mom know that you need some help. Tell her that it is her decision to ask your sister, otherwise, you will need to seek outside help. It's her choice.
Anyone can prioritize anything if they want, especially when visiting or caring for a sick parent / or supporting a friend or relative. You are doing that. I’m sure you have other things you could be doing too. Your mother is more important than the other things. You recognize the significance and prioritize correctly. You are a hero.
Forgive your mom for the horrible thing she said. Her stress has been understandably extraordinary. People make irrational statements when they are hurting. If she continues to treat you absuvely, however, take “time off” when you need it.
As for your sister, Her behavior is incredibly disappointing, maybe even permanently unforgivable. You get to decide how to proceed. There is no wrong answer — this is your choice. Protect yourself first.
In my case, I severed ties with lax siblings. I am not making light of this — it was extremely painful. But now ... I am more than fine! Relying on them was a losing proposition.
If you look around, there are certainly supportive people who you did not expect to have by your side. When God closes a door he opens a window - or If you have the right outlook - he opens a bigger and better door!
Focus on that silver lining: Instead of lamenting about your sister—-celebrate your champions.
Most of my “siblings” now are not blood relatives. They did not come to me by coincidence, but by choice.
Be the friend you need to others when you get the chance. You will gain new empathy.
Forgive yourself if you choose not to forgive your sister — that’s totally fine! Spend your time with people who treat you (and your mother) better.
AGING CARE ARTICLE:
How Much Does It Cost to Get a Power of Attorney Document?
Carolyn Rosenblatt
Updated February 4, 2020…click on the link and read it.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-much-does-a-power-of-attorney-cost-139457.htm
Well, since you are the reason that she has cancer, ( who knows, maybe you were a difficult teenager years ago ) my first emotional and intellectual response to that is….Mom, there is nothing I can do about your cancer. However, since I am the cause and no one wants to share caring for you, let’s work this out, because I do, yes I do love you. You are my mother.
The right thing to do is to propose a “ make sense” legal plan where your mother designates legally you as her P.O.A. and structures a will ( better done in a trust ) that entitles you to the “positive” control and inheritance of her estate. Assuming that she has a home that is financially in good standing and not a lot of binding debt already created.
Without knowing all of your full details, ( your life-style, your spouse, children, working one maybe two jobs, or maybe a high responsibility company job, your personal health and other personal conditions ) It just makes sense that you are not 100% burdened with the busy work and your sister does nothing that when your mother does pass away and you are appreciated.
Think about this….when your mother passes away your sister ( and maybe others or many others will start to come forth to claim entitlement to whatever your parent has that is of monetary value) ……. who will pay her taxes if any after her expiration date? Who will take care of any hospital bills and other misc debts? If possible, eliminate family argument and getting abused before her time. If she has a home of value who is to take care of dealing with it appropriately and do what you can to keep it out of probate.
Look, I am probably wrong in my response, and it may seem very monetary or even hard hearted…but the reality is you feel responsibility and love for your mother and for whatever reason(s) she is putting the ball in your curt, then a negotiation is not unreasonable. if there is already a trust, will or other legal designation that has been put in place, you deserve to know what it is and also still… get a trust that puts you in a position of power, because it sounds like you are a caring and concerned child who wants to do the right thing and it is laid out in advance, so no arguement. Life is hard anyway, and harder if certain things are not tended to. There is aging, illness, hospice/maybe, funeral, and again, probate if nothing has been legally established….and you deserve to know as see the paperwork. Find out what you need to know ( get the truth ) and take care of any of these things before she departs. Loosing her will be enough hurt to your heart alone without all the other negatives that can happen.
Number two: it is your mothers responsibility to arrange for transportation. Inform her of the days available, if that is not satisfactory to her she can get her own rides. If your sister refuses to help out that is between her and your mom. You may want to see if there is seniors support in your area. We have it here and it is great.
A man or woman only has as much power over you as you are willing to give them.
You may want to share the list with your sister. A mailed copy with a brief explanation would probably do. If she wants to undertake some things to help with your mother, that is her decision and her lookout. It shouldn't matter to you if she does or not. What might matter is that it might be nice to have a sister to remember whatever good times you may have shared in the past.
Many of us get caught up in societal expectations that are outdated and unfair. You can give yourself permission to shake them off. You may find that your sister and you might have more in common than you think.
Then sit down & tell your Mom. Work with her to find alternatives for the rest.
It might be 1or 2 full days of running around: groceries, lunch & appointments a week?
Or maybe it's only over the phone stuff: daily check-in calls, setting up deliveries & bill paying?
The one morning I used to offer, blew out to lunch & then all day to include appointments. I should have stopped there. As it blew out to additional appointments spanning the week I became stressed & resentful. Before long appointments were 5x a week then plus weekend chores & emergencies. When I realised there was no empathy for my life I stepped back & sought other services. There was initial reluctance (another story!) but it now works well.
After six years of being an unpaid live in care giver, I finally read the duties of a care giver. You would not believe the stuff I was doing that are not part of my duties.
Besides I get no pay while her oldest and her grand daughter get money every month and do nothing.
I finally put my foot down and informed her that seeing as how there is no pay, there is no work for me to do.
She got the whole family down to do a lot of clean up that was too much work for me.
There is a lot more stress now that that foot was put down.
She still refuses to me though.
Why do people think getting family to help is a must?
Caregiving Is a voluntary act- the desire that arises from within- to care for a parent.
1. Get DPOA
2. Force your Sis to decide - put time in or money in. If neither, no inheritance. Now you see her true colors. No one is ever that “busy” for their parents.
3. Never expect or wait a sibling to help as caregiver. If it’s not in her bones, caregiving won’t happen.
4 Rely in outside caregivers
5. You get some balls and conduct your life & Mom’s life for next few years until she dies.
6. If low income, use IHSS & MSSP
7. control your Mom’s will to get majority of inheritance to recoup your unpaid wages. Your Sis should get nothing if she doesn’t cooperate. See inheritance as unpaid wages recoupment. Start a time log of your caregiving hrs- on-site & remote. At $20/hr. Agencies charge $18-22/ hr.
Mine came out to 65K over 3 years. Inheritance should cover all hrs plus your Christmas & birthday bonus.
8. Use elder law
9. You can either swallow her accusations about you causing her cancer. Or, use macrobiotics to reverse her cancer. And draw up personal agreement stating you will quit upon any further accusations. Enlarge, Frame and hang it in her plain sight.
10. How do you know you won’t get cancer from resentments you swallowed?
mom prefers you over your Sis. Trick is to come out of this less scathed. After her demise. you will regret over your decisions & actions.
the regret is 100% unanimous among survivors.
mom might never curb her accusations. children don’t give parents cancer. It’s food, chemicals, EMF, their emotional makeup. Mom wants to blame something. She is bitter. She is panicking.
trying to get Mom to understand this is futile. Let her body die. Your Mom knows she is dying. She’ll hold on to a leaf from drowning. manage her last few years of transition.
we owe this to our parents. They made unbelievable sacrifices for us. What’s a few years for them? As long as you don’t get sick as a result of care giving.
if I can have a do- over, I would put in more time than I did, of 2,000.00 hrs. At the time, we fought. I screamed. My insides were burning up. Now, that I’ve rested for a year, wish I can care for Mom all over again. I’d do it so much better. And nicer. I’m proud of what I did. All families fight. If they don’t fight, that’s abnormal.
looking back, death is a inevitable human experience. Harder for Survivors.
Two issues with this statement: 1) you can't force another person to do something they are unwilling to do and 2) big assumption there that there IS an inheritance (on top of that, OP can't dictate who gets what.)
"7. control your Mom’s will to get majority of inheritance to recoup your unpaid wages. Your Sis should get nothing if she doesn’t cooperate."
More issues here... 1) "...control your Mom's will..." - can you say elder financial abuse? 2) as with the previous reply, huge assumption that there is an inheritance to be had and 3) only Mom can decide who gets what, if there is anything left.
Even if there are some assets now, including a house, those could all be eaten up through hiring care-givers or placing Mom into a facility. Unless one is a member of a truly rich family, and is still on good terms with said family, one should NEVER assume they are going to get ANYTHING after a LO passes.
Good management of my mother's assets should result in something for us, but that ALL depends on how much longer she lives AND what care she might need (MC is almost $8500/mo next year, but any personal care beyond 1 hour will cost about $1k/mo or more!) It is also dependent on whether the stock market remains stable. Another melt down like years ago could wipe out a lot for many - mom's investments (managed by them, not me) are lower risk, so what right now might last up to 12 more years could end up being only 3 or 4, if things go sour!
If there's any left, great. If not, c'est la vie - WE didn't earn it!
Do you want to be involved, but you want your sister to do (roughly) half of the work?
Do you just want your sister to show some kind of appreciation and awareness of your mother's care needs?
You have MPOA. You could resign it, if you wished. Do you want to resign it?
Would you actually be satisfied with anyone else's account of a doctor's appointment? - it can be difficult to have confidence that they've understood what was said and asked all the right questions.
Anyway, I'm just thinking around the issue...
Try this. Take a good clear calendar, and list in full all of the appointments and tasks you expect to need carrying out for the rest of December. Once you have your list, allocate which can be done by: you, your sister, anyone else. See what it looks like. Then you'll know specifically what you want your sister to do, and whether it can be reconciled with what you know of her too busy-ness.
Asking your mother to bully your sister in the way that your mother bullies you was, with respect, never going to work. When your mother flies into a rage and makes outrageous demands and accusations, you feel guilty - yes? - and submit. Your sister, I dare say, flies into a rage and makes outrageous accusations right back. Of course your mother knows better than to try it with her.
What has been the last straw for you? The hands-on nursing, a recent tantrum, other things that you need to do that you can't find time for?
To the best of my knowledge, that should read "...pay for SOME in-Home care." We haven't used Medicaid, but that's what I understand - some in home care, not full time.
Also note: Medicare *could* also provide a few hours IF a need is determined (has to be house bound AND accept personal care, such as help with bathing.) We have not used this either, but I did read on the Medicare site that some help could be available, as well as a one-week/year respite care. The nurse who came prior to setting up some in-home aides tested mom (better test than Doc office does!) Medicare DID pay for this test, done in mom's condo with 2 of us present as well. This nurse told me Medicare would cover limited assistance IF mom would agree to some personal help. Nope. So, given I was managing her finances by then, we let her think SS/Medicare paid for it and paid them from her account.
Good Luck!
My a$$hole brother and I do speak and see each other now, but I will never feel the same about him and never forgive him for not helping. I have seen the real him. You really only have two choices. Forget about your sister and set things up so that you can manage them. (work smarter, not harder mentality) or you can walk away just like your sister has done.
Somehow I don't think you're going to do that...so, get the POA in order, and have multiple originals made. Ask moms oncologists office for guidance getting mom some in home care. She more than likely qualifies for something. Plus there are organizations that can help....seniors helping seniors, teens helping seniors, the American cancer society, etc.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
Don't be a patsy either to your sister or your mother. Lay the law down.
It's a nice idea but I disagree.
Everyone gets to decide for themselves. Everyone has their own talents, strengths & commitments.
One sibling may be a whiz at accounting but another strong as an ox to lift a wheelchair. One may be well off, another working 3 jobs to make ends meet. One living close by, another states away. How could they split physical caregiving or financial support 50/50? They can't. Life does not work like that.
The elder can ASK for help - but it is not their right to demand it. Especially how much or by who by.
Unfortunately sometimes with age or illness a person loses their ability to be reasonable. Becomes a bully. I would point this out. "Mother, it is not reasonable for me to do everything. Let's add in some other services".
The plan has to work for ALL the people in it.
Now, you need to decide what you are willing to do and let them both know and then follow thru.
Mare a list of everything you do or needs to be done and tell your mom and sister to choose half of the List and you have the other list to be responsible for.
If she doesn't comply then you choose half of the list and send the other half to your sister with a copy for your mom.
Then only do what is on your list!
If your sister is too busy, she can arrange and pay for help for her half of the list she's responsible for.
Let them know that if it can't be worked out then your mom will have to go to a Senior Home To Live.
You have a right to your life and it's not fair for you to be responsible for all her care.
Im sure you're just as busy as your sister.
Your sister has to make time or pay someone to do her half.
Assuming sister has the time and/or the ability to pay - we don't know what sister's reasoning is, there just isn't enough info provided. OP says her reply is she's too busy. Is that working one or more demanding jobs, raising a family, caring for another family member? We just don't know.
We can't "make" time and we can't pick money off a tree. If she doesn't have the time or money, then what? Even if she has money, where is it written that WE have to pay? If my mother didn't have sufficient assets, we'd be in big trouble. I am on fixed income and there would NOT be enough to pay for a place or to hire anyone without me losing everything.
Final notes: we can't force anyone to do what they don't want to or can't do. Not even those with dementia can be forced to do what they refuse to do (that comes from LEGAL advise.) Said it elsewhere, but since you mentioned "fair", since when is life, in general, fair? Better to recommend OP find out what resources are available, what assets mom has and go from there to arrange help.
Regardless of your sisters choices you need to take care of you. There was no way I could care for myself and meet the expextations of my parents. I found it best if I obejectively figured out what I was willing and able to do and I set those limits. Notice I did not JUST say able, but also willing. We are all able to do things that in the end cause us harm, but are you OK with doing that?
It was difficult to find a good balance and there were many times I had to adjust where I was at with caretaking. I had help from a good counselor and the people on this forum. Dad has since passed and Mom is on hospice. It has not been easy but it got easier once I included my own well being into the mix.
My mom is 89 with signs of dementia and still lives at home. Thankfully she can afford to pay for help! My husband and I still work and my siblings live several states away, so it takes a load off having someone here to keep an extra eye on things. They take her to appointments (as DPOA, I phone conference with dr staff to go over appts and any changes), run grocery errands, and light household tasks. God send! God Bless and I pray you find peace over your situation ....it takes a village!
wheat would happen if you died tomorrow? How would her needs get met? Think about that and then put that plan into action instead.