My mother will not comply with the assisted livings rules and has been caught smoking in her room. The next time she will be asked to leave. They told her that the only other place she can go would be a nursing home and she went ballistic. She has dementia and cannot live alone, but will not comply with assisted living. So can she refuse to go? And if so, what will they do with her??? Where will she go? Living here is not an option. Already tried that. Mom has gotten so argumentative and combative I don't even recognize her any more. I assume the AL will have to call Adult Protective Services, and then what will happen????? I'm exhausted. I've moved mom three times in 9 months and she just will not comply with anything!
Are you afraid of her? Why can't you get in her face and tell her she cannot behave like that and knock it off? She will be shocked and back off, but you can't feel sorry for her then. Manipulation!
I know someone that bought their mom a stuffed cat and she never knew the difference. Good luck.
will really put her over and you will not be able to save her.
Just because we may not want our Seniors in our home and I am not being judgemental, does not mean that they don't wish to be there or are afraid of where they are, but it might be more beneficial to get a doctor to help her to quit smoking.
Since she is in an ALFacility, and that is their rule
they must have some kind of service for this.
How unfair of AL facility to place you in this predicament, with no support, assistance or options. Shame on them, your mother cannot help herself.
If you don't mind my sharing...your mom is addicted to nicotine. I don't know how long she has smoked but giving up smoking is extremely difficult for some. I've been there. I was younger and relatively sane. Your mom is older and has dementia. What a combo! I'd be surprised if she could do it on her own at this point. Her cat and cigs are all she's interested in now. Please ask the doctor to help her. No, she should never have taken up smoking but she did, and now she will need help to kick the habit and addiction.
You are so correct. Some people are not happy, never have been, never will be. That was my mom but she didn't have dementia. My dad was always happy and when he got dementia he stayed docile and sweet. It's a cruel disease for them and for their families. You are seeing that firsthand with your mom being so difficult. My heart goes out to you.
Will she take any kind of pills?.A dementia unit may have to be the final choice but right now she is too aware to agree and they probably would not allow the cat . It is very hard to "make" someone go somewhere there are laws against that. You can enroll the assistance of adult protective services, her Dr and possibly a psychiatrist to help you find the best alternative. Fluffy for your own mental health try to allow others to make the difficult decisions. I am afraid you will be dragged into the mix anyway if you are the only child so stand your ground and have back up with you like a husband or adult child some one tough you can trust to administer the tough love and ensure you don't get bullied. My heart goes out to you so blessings and good luck, let us know the out some. everyone here learns and contributes so much.
i think the AL should give your mother a smoke outdoors from time to time. i think they are money mills tho and would rather replace her with someone " easier " . of course they will always claim to have your mothers best interests in mind. bee - ess..
I am now going through it with my father. Through many tests doctors can get pretty close in determining which kind of dementia your mother has. Different medications work well for certain behavioral problems depending on which type of dementia the person is suffering from. My father was extremely difficult. Once they determined which type of dementia he had, looked at his behavioral problems they came up with a good medication regimen that works extremely well for him. One is a mood stablizer and the other is an anti depressant that has a sedative effect which is given at night.
Elderly with dementia is one of the most difficult things to deal with for caregivers. Many are like big rebellious toddlers. In fact, many probably have declined mentally to a toddler stage. It is so hard seeing a parent or loved one, ripping off those clothes in public, urinating in places they shouldn't, saying and being mean, spitting on sidewalks, picking their teeth with their finger nails at the dinner table, etc. They have lost all the manners and social graces they grew up with. They may only remember the family members from a time when they were young children. Their mentality and behavior is also like a young child or toddler. Understanding that may make it a bit easier, but it doesn't take away the feelings of wanting to turn around and run away. We are now the parents of our parents.
Sounds like its her way or no way. Your a wonderful daughter and she
is very lucky to have you. Take care of yourself.
Anyways, does your unhappy mother perhaps have a lifetime of untreated depression? Has she been assessed? Is she anxious? In Pain? My MIL has depression, anxiety and pain which makes her a pain. The SSRI she takes has actually helped a lot, but more is needed. Maybe there is a way to make your mom feel better without turning her into a catatonic zombie. Are you sure you will feel ok longterm about walking away from this? She may want to smoke, but if she doesn't have the butts readily available she will have to depend on her caretakers to provide the time and place. This is not unreasonable. Remember you are dealing with a person with the emotional control of a 2 year old, probably temper tantrums and all. Like a 2 year old she is unable to set priorities or make good decisions. Don't let her griping get to you. Do what you have to do and feel good about it.
I told my mom to put my grandma in a nursing home when I was 20 and grandma had loss of bowel control due to meds but I didn’t understand about meds then that you just stop those and find others. She stopped talking, eating and breathing deeply and got pneumonia and died. Since I became an RN and realized this I have regretted it so badly I can hardly get over it. For almost 50 years now. Our parents and grandparents watched over us, found everything they could about how to help us, kept us alive and well as best they could and contributed to the community and world as well as us and we have to try to give back. I didn’t know to look meds up in 1969. But I should have found out. I should have thought-what is different? What could be the cause? This never happened before... but I didn’t put myself in her shoes and she died for it. I know it’s not the same situation but I don’t want anyone else to suffer as she did, we in effect threw her away, And I still suffer. I want everyone to remember their loved ones as they loved them best and know that they did the very best they could with love and understanding. No regret; only peace and love for you and for them.