Follow
Share

I am currently living with my elderly mother due to life circumstances, and she expects full elderly care from me. I work two jobs and buy many of our groceries and help with all of her house bills (mortgage and utilities). Honestly, if she had been a good mother, I wouldn't have resentment about doing this for her, to some degree. Growing up, she was emotionally neglectful, sent us to live with other family members when she didn't want to deal with us, and allowed different men to abuse her children. A lot of that resentment manifests itself in my snapping at her now when she attempts to paint the past with her as a hardworking and loving mother. Not only that, she currently expects full care, financial and otherwise, from her children. She is also very negative and ungrateful about the help we do give her. Complains frequently. Nothing we do is ever enough, it seems.I know I cannot change her, but I can implement boundaries about what I will and will not do for her. Later, after I have put my foot down or do not do everything she wants, I feel very guilty. Is anyone else dealing with this kind of situation? How can I feel better about who I am around my mother?Thank you in advance.

Find Care & Housing
Your title is kind of cute.
Because we can "expect" ANYthing, right? But experience in life teaches us that our expectations are seldom fulfilled.

I think that you will feel better about who you are when you remove yourself from the person who has consistently taught you that you will never measure up.

You are an adult. Whether you CHOOSE to stay around this negative woman or not is solely up to you. And you are responsible for your own choice. No one will thank you. No one will be happier for your staying round her. No one will tell you that you are a good and decent person. And no one will elect you to Sainthood because of your martyrdom.

Do you really need someone to tell you that you are a good and decent person?
Is she the one most likely to do so?
No. I think not.
So, here. You are, Rebecca, a good and decent person.
That will be 250.00 for 40 minutes, please.
Do get the check in the mail to me.

You know all of this, Rebecca. You didn't need me to tell you. But woman, you have to make your own choice; we are just a mess of strangers out here who, no matter HOW much we want to hell you, just cannot do it. This is yours. As they say--ball in your court. A new year coming. Here I often tell children who are grown to move 1,000 miles from their parents. Consider it.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
AlvaDeer Dec 2, 2024
I meant no matter how much we wanted to HELP we could not. Not H_ _ _. But sometimes that, too.
(0)
Report
She can expect care all she wants. Doesn’t mean she will get it. Except you indeed are.

The goal is not to figure out how to deal with her. The goal is to move out of her house as soon as possible. She will play the poor pitiful mother whose ungrateful child is abandoning her. You know that is not the case.

She has her mental faculties. There are agencies set up for senior citizens to get housing, food, all that. She made it this far in life without being homeless or starving, so she can do it again. When she’s forced to sink or swim, she’ll swim.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to LoopyLoo
Report

Since you seem to be confused about boundaries with a terrible person who you are living with (in spite of "life circumstances") I respectfully recommend you talk to a therapist so that you can learn how to make and defend healthy boundaries for yourself.

A must will be you moving out, so start figuring out how to get this to happen. Contact social services for your county and Section 8 housing, or join Nextdoor.com and post about ISO a room to rent, etc. Call churches for resources, whatever it takes. You MUST move out for your own sanity.

You aren't responsible for your Mother's happiness. You are not her only solution. She has social services to take up the slack.

Don't tell your Mom any of this until everything is in place. Expect other family members to probably be enraged at you insisting on having your own healthy life. So what. Let them rage on. It will be harder for a while and then it will get so much better once you are free.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

It sounds like you are staying with your mother because YOU fell on hard times. If that's the case, and she's mean spirited in general along with narcissistic, why would she NOT expect indentured servitude and financial support from you in return for a roof over your head? Your mother is the same person now as she was when you were a child. Dealing with such a toxic and critical person is not going to allow you to feel better about who you are. That's not mother's intent. You have to remove yourself from her presence in order to avoid the negativity and the unrealistic expectations she sets down for you to never meet. How can you possibly feel any "guilt" when you've been intentionally set up like this?????

What is your plan to move out? You cannot keep living under this woman's roof and expect to feel positive in any way, about anything. Get an extra job, save money, and get out as soon as humanly possible. Rent a room if need be.

Good luck to you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

I must first say that NO child that was ever abused in any way from a parent should take on the care of said parent, yet alone live with them.
And that also means NO financial help either.
You owe your mother NOTHING!!! As in NOTHING!!!
So....get your sh*t together and look into moving out sooner than later. You sadly because of "life circumstances" put yourself in this situation and only you can get yourself out of it.
It is only when you move out and show your mother that you can survive on your own, that you will be able to "feel better about who" you are around your mother.
I wish you well in taking your life back, moving out of your mother's home, and realizing that you owe this woman who gave you birth NOTHING!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

Sometimes it is better to Just go and rent a room and get your freedom back . Mom Can Get Lowered energy costs , fuel assistance , food stamps , etc. You could Look Into some of those programs for senior citizens LikeMeals On Wheels - contact a senior center . Right Now you are attached to her Hip - Only You Can decide to leave her or Put up with her .
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to KNance72
Report

That’s not a mother I would live with, time to change the life circumstances
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

You aren’t going to feel better until you are no longer living with your mother . Move out .

Find a roommate and rent an apartment .
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

Sounds like my past. Get the heck out of there. I had a father like this. Their needs are bottomless pits. You do not have to prop these ungrateful senior brats lives up by sacrificing your soul to them.

Once your imbilical cord was cut, you became a separate thriving and breathing soul from your mother with rights even from infancy.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Scampie1
Report

No room for guilt, it is a self-imposed emotion that is keeping you stuck, you have done nothing to feel guilty about.

Time to move on, get your own place, start living your life not live vicariously through hers.

She was a lousy mother accept that and go forward with your life.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MeDolly
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter