I am currently living with my elderly mother due to life circumstances, and she expects full elderly care from me. I work two jobs and buy many of our groceries and help with all of her house bills (mortgage and utilities). Honestly, if she had been a good mother, I wouldn't have resentment about doing this for her, to some degree. Growing up, she was emotionally neglectful, sent us to live with other family members when she didn't want to deal with us, and allowed different men to abuse her children. A lot of that resentment manifests itself in my snapping at her now when she attempts to paint the past with her as a hardworking and loving mother. Not only that, she currently expects full care, financial and otherwise, from her children. She is also very negative and ungrateful about the help we do give her. Complains frequently. Nothing we do is ever enough, it seems.I know I cannot change her, but I can implement boundaries about what I will and will not do for her. Later, after I have put my foot down or do not do everything she wants, I feel very guilty. Is anyone else dealing with this kind of situation? How can I feel better about who I am around my mother?Thank you in advance.
Because we can "expect" ANYthing, right? But experience in life teaches us that our expectations are seldom fulfilled.
I think that you will feel better about who you are when you remove yourself from the person who has consistently taught you that you will never measure up.
You are an adult. Whether you CHOOSE to stay around this negative woman or not is solely up to you. And you are responsible for your own choice. No one will thank you. No one will be happier for your staying round her. No one will tell you that you are a good and decent person. And no one will elect you to Sainthood because of your martyrdom.
Do you really need someone to tell you that you are a good and decent person?
Is she the one most likely to do so?
No. I think not.
So, here. You are, Rebecca, a good and decent person.
That will be 250.00 for 40 minutes, please.
Do get the check in the mail to me.
You know all of this, Rebecca. You didn't need me to tell you. But woman, you have to make your own choice; we are just a mess of strangers out here who, no matter HOW much we want to hell you, just cannot do it. This is yours. As they say--ball in your court. A new year coming. Here I often tell children who are grown to move 1,000 miles from their parents. Consider it.
And that also means NO financial help either.
You owe your mother NOTHING!!! As in NOTHING!!!
So....get your sh*t together and look into moving out sooner than later. You sadly because of "life circumstances" put yourself in this situation and only you can get yourself out of it.
It is only when you move out and show your mother that you can survive on your own, that you will be able to "feel better about who" you are around your mother.
I wish you well in taking your life back, moving out of your mother's home, and realizing that you owe this woman who gave you birth NOTHING!
A must will be you moving out, so start figuring out how to get this to happen. Contact social services for your county and Section 8 housing, or join Nextdoor.com and post about ISO a room to rent, etc. Call churches for resources, whatever it takes. You MUST move out for your own sanity.
You aren't responsible for your Mother's happiness. You are not her only solution. She has social services to take up the slack.
Don't tell your Mom any of this until everything is in place. Expect other family members to probably be enraged at you insisting on having your own healthy life. So what. Let them rage on. It will be harder for a while and then it will get so much better once you are free.
Whose circumstances yours or Moms? Seems if your paying for everything you could live on your own? So its Mom who is having financial problems? If so, she just will need to downsize.
It always gets me that anyone over 65 still has a mortgage. Well maybe its time for Mom to sell her house and use the proceeds to get herself a nice low income apartment. It would make her life simpler and yours to. All she would need to pay for is electricity. Maybe basic cable. You can help her from a distance.
Get rid of that guilt feeling. You are the one who is there for her. You may need to have a "come to Jesus" moment with her. Because of you, she is able to remain in her home. Because of you, she has food to eat. Now, if thats not enough, then you can leave and she will be on her own, maybe losing her home because she can't make the payments. And no, she was not a good mother. And because of that she is lucky you are there and you can always leave. Yes, you will probably upset her. Maybe thats what she needs. A taste of reality.
Once you say your peace leave her alone. Sometime later set your boundaries. She needs to realize there are only so many hours in a day and most of them you work. When you come home from work, your tired. You do not need her nagging nor expectations. If Mom is in her 70s with no illnesses, she can do for herself. 80s, we tend to slow down even more but can still do. And you would appreciate some please and thank yous. You are not obligated to do for her. No negativity or complaints. Even if you need to live with her right now, still give her the impression you can leave. Once you set this all down, when she starts to slide, you may only need to give her a certain look or just walk away.
Townsend and Cloud have a book out called Boundaries. My daughter says its very good.
The goal is not to figure out how to deal with her. The goal is to move out of her house as soon as possible. She will play the poor pitiful mother whose ungrateful child is abandoning her. You know that is not the case.
She has her mental faculties. There are agencies set up for senior citizens to get housing, food, all that. She made it this far in life without being homeless or starving, so she can do it again. When she’s forced to sink or swim, she’ll swim.
Time to move on, get your own place, start living your life not live vicariously through hers.
She was a lousy mother accept that and go forward with your life.
What is your plan to move out? You cannot keep living under this woman's roof and expect to feel positive in any way, about anything. Get an extra job, save money, and get out as soon as humanly possible. Rent a room if need be.
Good luck to you.
Find a roommate and rent an apartment .
As for 'if you don’t do everything she wants, I feel very guilty', it’s the same solution. Go somewhere else, and she won’t be able to dictate about “everything she wants”. You shouldn’t feel guilty anyway, but not hearing the demands is even better.
Once your imbilical cord was cut, you became a separate thriving and breathing soul from your mother with rights even from infancy.