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My sister has been taking care of my mom for over a year while staying at my mom’s house after my dad passed away. Meanwhile my sister has her own household and would like to move my mom there instead. Mom refuses! Yet, our mom is bed bound and not an able body. She’s completely dependent on us feeding her, changing her diapers and sponge baths. she has kidney and heart disease. She’s not able body! Suggestions please! My sister sacrificed enough and it’s time for my sister to get back into her own household. Thank you!

Here's a suggestion. Keep it short and sweet.

'Mom, you're moving to (your sister's name) house or you're moving into a nursing home.'

This should do it.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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CaregiverL Dec 20, 2024
Straight and to the point!
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You lay it all on the line - mom, it's sister's house or the nursing home because sister needs her life back and you can not be here alone. If she still won't budge you need to stand strong and start the process to get her into a facility.
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Reply to cwillie
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Romi00 Dec 19, 2024
Thank you! Yes!! It’s hard bc you want them to decide but not when they aren’t thinking rationally.
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She has a choice, go to her daughter's house to be cared for or go into a LTC facility. Give the woman her options and then let her choose.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Romi00 Dec 19, 2024
Right and she chooses to be in comfort of her own home. My sister has her own home and sacrificed enough. She needs to be back in her own home after a year of being at my mom’s home.
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Please know any familial responsibility laws are rarely, if ever, enforced. You will not be held legally responsible for mom’s care or poor judgment. In your shoes, I’d stop dancing to her tune. The person who’s bedridden in need of care simply doesn’t not get to call the shots. It’s likely a mistake for her to live with sister, but since sister is apparently insisting on it, meet her at mom’s and pack up mom’s stuff, load her as safely as possible into a car and down the road to sister’s house she goes. No more discussion or cajoling her into it. If a bedridden woman somehow gains superhuman strength to fight you both off, then leave her, yes, alone, with a phone, until she decides to move where help is available. No more of this reasoning, begging, refusing, etc. just act. Sometimes what’s in everyone’s best interests just needs less talk and more action
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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No, you can't force mom to move if she's mentally competent. What your sister can do though is go back to her own home herself. She would have to get social services involved first though by contacting a SW from the state, telling them she is unable to continue as is, and work to find alternate care for mom. I'm sorry, it is a difficult situation.
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Reply to mstrbill
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Romi00 Dec 19, 2024
My mom is bedbound. She’s 100% dependent for someone to do everything for her. She’s on hospice. We can’t leave her home alone bc we will get charged with neglect. My mom will have 2 choices my sister’s home or NH. She will most likely opt for the 1st choice, staying at her house isn’t an option.
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If Mom refuses to move to your sister’s house , then she goes to nursing home .
Call APS or her local County Area Agency of Aging to place her .

IMO and my mother’s doctor’s opinion , an uncooperative parent with dementia needs to be taken care of by NON family who they can’t boss around .
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Reply to waytomisery
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You don't need your mother's permission for anything. She is the care recipient. She doesn't get to dictate. You are the dictator. So, just move her and let her fuss.
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Reply to southiebella
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Your sister will have to lay down the law. If your mom is competent no one can force anything. So your sister will have to say, and you should be there and say so as well:
"We cannot go on caring for you in this manner: as of the date of __________we will not return to this house. Here is the number for 911 and here is the number for Adult Protective Services (APS) for you to call. Otherwise you can agree to move into Sister's house NOW."

That's it. Clear as a cleaned window.
No argument. No nonsense.

Now I will say this, I would not be taking this unhappy woman into my own home and making it thereby her home. She will not be leveraged out of it. With diabetes the onslaught of ills, even up to and including gangrene in the feet and amputations that go on a bit at a time over and over, will be her new norm. To me this isn't doable care for one person, but that has to be her choice as an adult to make.

Caring for a non cooperating elder is to be frank impossible.
You must do as you see fit and I couldn't wish you more in terms of the very best of luck. I am so sorry for you all.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Romi00 Dec 19, 2024
You can’t leave a bedbound person like that with just a phone and leave. She’s impossible at times bc of her dementia. We do live in a state where we as her children do have obligation to protect and made sure she’s care for otherwise we can get in trouble with the APS abandoning /neglecting her.
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There are great replies here!
Just so you know mine - I told my daddy this: "Doctor said.... and when you get better you can A,B,C, then you can come home"
It worked. He never gave me an argument and he never got better but it was easier to put the blame on someone else.
Blessings for you at this time - not easy - know that as I write this a prayer has been said for you and your family
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Reply to Ohwow323
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Hire a caregiver and tell your sister to go home. Mom will figure it out in a few days.

Your mom is bed bound and dependent. She doesn’t have a choice. Don’t give her a choice and don’t expect her to be like well ok.

You have to make this happen. It’s so rude of your mother to allow her daughter to be away from home for over a year to deal with her.

If your mother a narcissist and was she abusive when you all were growing up? Does she have dementia?

Tell your mother she either moves to your sister’s or she goes to a care home.

I also think your sister needs a several month break between now and receiving your mother at her house.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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Romi00 Dec 19, 2024
That’s the issue…hiring a part time - 24/7 caregiver is NOT easy to find for a bedbound person!! Many agencies wants around the clock live in care and about 300-400$ a day!! Unfortunately, my mom’s needs are beyond more than helping to serve her meals. 😕
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