My sister has been taking care of my mom for over a year while staying at my mom’s house after my dad passed away. Meanwhile my sister has her own household and would like to move my mom there instead. Mom refuses! Yet, our mom is bed bound and not an able body. She’s completely dependent on us feeding her, changing her diapers and sponge baths. she has kidney and heart disease. She’s not able body! Suggestions please! My sister sacrificed enough and it’s time for my sister to get back into her own household. Thank you!
I would caution against moving mom into her home unless she (and her family, if any) are prepared for that adjustment. She's already been taking care of her for over a year, so she knows what the job entails. It will only get harder as mom continues to decline.
There are other options. You could arrange with hospice to have full time care for your mother in her home. Or mom can be placed in a nursing home.
1) You and your sister are taking care of your Mom with your sister doing the hands on long hours of work. It will be better for your sister if she moves over to sisters house. Can your Mom be forced? As others have said, if you have POA/ health care proxy, and Mom is dependent on your sister for care, you really have a lot of say in the matter. Your mom cant stay by herself at home. So you can tell her she moves to sisters, or else placement in nursing home (or have APS / the state intervene).
2) Seperate question - Your sister has sacrificed a lot and its time for her to get back into her own household. It sounds like moving Mom into her house is the plan. But, with so much hands on care, will your sister really get her life back, and get a break? Only you and your sister can answer this after some careful honest thought about it.
i would think twice about involving APS or a social worker unless absolutely the last straw. You will lose control to total strangers who don’t know the family dynamics and could easily make things worse.
- Make sure sis is up to this for the duration - given mom’s on hospice, and sis is in the field, likely she knows.
Discuss ways for sis to have a break - weekend aid? Someone to take a few shifts? Mini trips for her an hubby?
-Discuss with mom but don’t ask her - let her know you’re following her wishes as best you can given the circumstances. (ie keep her out of a facility and to be with loved ones… (seems this is so?)
- Next, did mom give you advance directives along with hospice care enrollment? make sure directives
are on the frig or in a frame over moms bed. Will they need to change?
- If she’s able, the. engage mom in convo about staying with sis -choosing what to bring and on what day, what time of day etc.
- re house and financial stuff sounds like you did but an elder care atty is essential.
The hardest part is the move - can you hold onto the house for a while (rental?) so it’s not so much as once? Also gives you the option of spend down and Medicaid home care is sister can’t manage…(I like a plan and at least one backup plan.)
Hope this helps.
Call APS or her local County Area Agency of Aging to place her .
IMO and my mother’s doctor’s opinion , an uncooperative parent with dementia needs to be taken care of by NON family who they can’t boss around .
Often (99.99%) older people will resist any change. This is not unusual.
And, there are situations where you have no control over their well-being - when changes need to be made. Unfortunately, this results in changes made in emergency situations (often when too late) - due to a fall / hospitalization ... then they go to a Rehab and perhaps straight to a facility or nursing home.
From the needs you indicate she has, it sounds like she should be in a nursing home or facility. Her needs are 'way to much' for a family to manage. And, her needs will increase with time.
You do what you have to do .... regardless of what you mom says.
She is speaking out of fear, wanting what is familiar, not wanting any change, afraid. You do not listen to what she wants ... you do what she NEEDS for her own well being / safety.
You deal with the emotional 'fall-out' as it happens, afterwards.
You offer compassionate reflective listening so she feels she is being heard.
You do not ignore her although you need to (learn to / how) set boundaries to know when to do what and when to listen / offer support (emotional).
And NUMBER 1 ... you never ever argue.
You respond "I hear you mom."
... "I hear you saying that you want ... (reflective listening).
Then you change the subject.
Arguing or trying to convince her will only cause emotional upset for everyone.
Family members 'argue' thinking they can convince and are well meaning, but it is counter-productive to what is needed, namely:
Reflective listening and doing what is needed for their well being.
Setting boundaries.
Being compassionate while setting boundaries.
So much too depends on if she has dementia / how to speak to her.
Do what is needed for the family unit. Do not listen to her as she will NEVER EVER want to move / change her current situation.
Gena / Touch Matters
it isnt a decision to take lightly
it’s a heck of a lot of work
think carefully and what plans if it doesn’t work out
next step
your mother has a choice
she can’t live alone and the law will decide
she either moves to the sisters or into care home
if she chooses neither consult your family and agree a choice
personally i would be concerned that your sister is taking on a lot more than she realises
mothers health will prob deteriorate rather than improve over time
Best wishes
Just so you know mine - I told my daddy this: "Doctor said.... and when you get better you can A,B,C, then you can come home"
It worked. He never gave me an argument and he never got better but it was easier to put the blame on someone else.
Blessings for you at this time - not easy - know that as I write this a prayer has been said for you and your family
'Mom, you're moving to (your sister's name) house or you're moving into a nursing home.'
This should do it.
I suggest that you contact APS now, get them to visit, and ask their advice. M may even be more willing to accept things when she hears it from APS - strangers in a government body, not from daughters she has always pulled rank on.
Your mom is bed bound and dependent. She doesn’t have a choice. Don’t give her a choice and don’t expect her to be like well ok.
You have to make this happen. It’s so rude of your mother to allow her daughter to be away from home for over a year to deal with her.
If your mother a narcissist and was she abusive when you all were growing up? Does she have dementia?
Tell your mother she either moves to your sister’s or she goes to a care home.
I also think your sister needs a several month break between now and receiving your mother at her house.
"We cannot go on caring for you in this manner: as of the date of __________we will not return to this house. Here is the number for 911 and here is the number for Adult Protective Services (APS) for you to call. Otherwise you can agree to move into Sister's house NOW."
That's it. Clear as a cleaned window.
No argument. No nonsense.
Now I will say this, I would not be taking this unhappy woman into my own home and making it thereby her home. She will not be leveraged out of it. With diabetes the onslaught of ills, even up to and including gangrene in the feet and amputations that go on a bit at a time over and over, will be her new norm. To me this isn't doable care for one person, but that has to be her choice as an adult to make.
Caring for a non cooperating elder is to be frank impossible.
You must do as you see fit and I couldn't wish you more in terms of the very best of luck. I am so sorry for you all.
Does she have any other assistance for care like Community based medicaid. I would set up an appointment to start the process to get care immediately. APS is also a suggestion if she refuses. Use it as a scare tactict.
You and sister will need to have a tough love stance and lay out the facts that your sister can not continue in the manner she has for so long. Give her two options and stick to them. Either move to sisters house or the process of a Nursing home will start. Be prepared for temper tantrums and the anger for a very long time. Does your sister really want to deal with that in her house? I think it is wonderful that she wants to be a caregiver but it is only going to get more difficult and maybe a long term care facility is best for all involved. But that is for her to decide.
If mother does move into sisters house she had better consult with an elder care attorney to plan for a contractual lease for payment.
You start by getting your Mom assessed: either by her primary physician or the admissions director at a good, local facility, one that has Medicaid beds (don't put her anyplace that doesn't accept Medicaid). The facility rep can make a house call.
You can fill out the Medicaid application for her. Once submitted it takes 3 months or less to hear whether she's approved or not. She can go into the facility on private pay and then Medicaid pending. This means she gets first preference. Outsiders often are on waiting lists.
Are you planning on taking shifts with your sister if you move your Mom into her home? If not, what's the plan to prevent her from having burnout, which may happen sooner in her own home? If your sister has "sacrificed enough" maybe she stops being the only care solution for your Mom now. Whether your Mom wants it or not... the caregiving arrangement has to accommodate the caregiver, not the receiver. Your sister, at a very minimum, needs a very long break before moving your Mom in, if that what she chooses going forward.
I currently live close to my mom and will go there to help out. As POS, I take care of all the bills, etc. In the beginning everyone rotated nights. After a year of all of us doing so, the siblings will help here and there but too much with our kids, work, own households. I did mention to my sister that by her moving mom into her house she may not get as much support from us due to distance may get burnout even more! Bc she lives further for everyone’s houses and jobs! She doesn’t want to put mom in nursing home since she is bedbound. My sister worked in couple nursing homes and seen too much!! Only the best dog out mom.
Mom is dependent on help from your sister.
Your sister needs to get back to her family and life.
Sister tells mom that she can no longer continue this way and she has 2 choices.
Move or be placed in a Skilled Nursing facility.
Then your sister has to stop doing what she is doing. And that is going to be difficult.
A call to APS or if you have a Senior Service Center there is usually a Social Worker that would be the person to contact.
Just curious is anyone mom's POA?
Has mom been diagnosed with dementia?
It does not sound like she has good judgement if she is refusing to move to make things easier for your sister. (or your mother is being selfish and entitled)
has been on hospice for over a year so we have some additional support through them. There was a time we all rotated nights but over a year we got tired with having our own household and full time jobs to attend.. I told my sister she has 2 choices the ones that you had given. My sister sacrificed a lot and if it wasn’t for her she would need to be placed in nursing homes. My worry is once my mom is at my sisters she’s further away from our jobs/homes so it will make it harder to help my sister out. She worked in Nursing home and seen too much and rather care for her. My mom gets respite via hospice every 60 days.