One sibling seems to be counting on inheritance and so is concerned with the cost of memory care. Others are more concerned with Mom's needs and a MC center with proximity to family.
At 94, Mom walks almost a mile a day and she has longevity in the family. Her sister passed away at 102, though she did not have dementia as Mom does.
Making this decision has torn our family apart as the one sibling doesn’t trust the elder care advocate and financial advisor hired by the sibling with power of attorney.
Anyone have this experience? Perhaps I just need to vent as my husband and I are the primary caregivers and we are tired as Mom keeps us up at night.
I am HCPOA, and Mom moved in with me at age 90 about a year ago when the wheels fell off the bus & covid was a concern. In February she moved into a dementia-focused AL. I was the one picking the facility and worrying that she'd outlive her savings (oh, the cost comparative spreadsheet I made!), but at the end of the day it's her money still and the burden lies on the POA's to use her resources to act in her best interest.
As a family we agreed to make the best selection for Mom's current needs and if the money gets spent down then it's the Medicare route for Mom.
Quite honestly, if the reluctant sibling chooses to be obstructive because they want to save an inheritance, then they should be offering to take care of mom at the same level that the MC can supply. Meanwhile you're in limbo while they push back but aren't part of a solution and you're...fried, right? Exhausted?
You and POA have the right and duty to do what's in your mom's best interests, so do it. I bet your mom picked you guys for a reason...:)
I want to say that offering the greedy sibling the option to take mom in, is a really dangerous option, they have proven that their inheritance is more important than mom's wellbeing and they would not be taking care of her if it meant spending money on her care. They really can't be a care resource without endangering mom.
Mom gets what Mom needs with MOM'S (not anyone's inheritance) money.
If it makes the greedy sibling any happier, my mother has been in a nursing home for 2 1/2 years at between $8900 and $12,000/month. Her money has been well-invested (by me), and she is worth more now than she was when she went in.
Focus on good investing of Mom's funds, and Mom can have what she needs and Greedy McGreedpants may have a windfall at the end, too.
Reason #1: That fact that she takes a mile walk at her age is fantastic. But those walks can turn into a nightmare if she forgets how to get home. And what if she looses track of time and decides to take one of those walks at 2 AM? Wandering is a major reason why caregivers place their LOs in a care facility.
Reason #2: You're not getting the rest you need. Sleeplessness by the caregiver is another major reason for placement. At times my wife would be able to stay awake for a entire day and night. She had no regular sleeping patterns anymore. The early morning hours can be very dangerous for your mom. Like my wife, she may decide to get dressed and get her day started at 1 AM and leave the house ( back to wandering).
As her POA, you not only have the right to make decisions on her behalf, you have the responsibility and authority to make those tough decisions. So tell the self centered sibling that mom's needs come before any inheritance, and do what is best for her and yourself.
That's what I have to say about inheritances before they're actually inheritances. How dare 'children' even discuss such a thing or decide how their parents should be taken care of based on the inheritance they will or will not get as a result?
Disgusting.
Your 'one sibling' who's so worried about 'his inheritance' should be doing ALL the 24/7 caregiving for your mother who's suffering from dementia, all alone, with NO HELP at ALL. ONLY then will he begin to understand what you've been going through all this time and what a Godsend Memory Care AL really is. He'd gladly give up 'his inheritance' in a heartbeat if he was saddled with this task, I guarantee it. It's really really easy to have his attitude while doing NOTHING in the caregiving department, or having no responsibilities for his mother's daily care and management.
Drop mother off on his porch for a week and then ask him what he'd like to do next.
Wishing you the best of luck getting everyone to make the RIGHT decision for your mother's care moving forward.
Personally I would select the one that...
At this point provides the best care
Next would be proximity to family
Since you are primary caregivers I would think the facility that can make her a resident as soon as possible would be on the list as priority.
Tactfully, gently remind sibling that is concerned with inheritance that the money mom and dad saved was saved for "their golden years, their retirement, their care" as the main goal for saving. That is what her money should be used for.
Sibling can save for her or his "golden years, retirement, care" just as mom and dad did. An inheritance is not guaranteed....
yes the sibling was asked they would take on caregiving duties. They researched 24/7 caregivers to find the cost to be over some of the MC centers. So that idea was scrapped.
Its not fair that siblings want to hold onto the money for inheritance sake when one sibling is doing the caring and its effecting their health and lives. Tell the POA that you can no longer do the caring and he/she has the power to place Mom.
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