One sibling seems to be counting on inheritance and so is concerned with the cost of memory care. Others are more concerned with Mom's needs and a MC center with proximity to family.
At 94, Mom walks almost a mile a day and she has longevity in the family. Her sister passed away at 102, though she did not have dementia as Mom does.
Making this decision has torn our family apart as the one sibling doesn’t trust the elder care advocate and financial advisor hired by the sibling with power of attorney.
Anyone have this experience? Perhaps I just need to vent as my husband and I are the primary caregivers and we are tired as Mom keeps us up at night.
Tell them to stop trying for consent from the money hungry sibling, quite frankly, it's none of their business and they have no say. Legally the POA has all of the authority and should not be intimidated or harrassed by any other sibling, they are not even obligated to discuss it with them in any way, shape or form. They can always tell the greedy sibling that they will not be kept in the loop if they don't stop, you can even block them from mom if they try to cause problems by browbeating her or giving her wrong information that causes her to be upset. (I don't advocate for anyone being cut off from those they love, unless those they love don't give two thoughts to them and their wellbeing and that sounds like your sibling. Being kept away may be the only way to put this nonsense to bed.)
Get mom moved and you go back to being her loving daughter.
Edit: maybe you could submit a bill for caregiving, housing and everything else that you and your husband do for your mom that far exceeds the most expensive MC and let it be known that you will get paid monthly from now on. It will make the MC facility the better option.
Should ALL siblings be willing, consider family mediation. Resource below were gathered by Geaton in past, and are worth a try if simply sitting and discussing doesn't bring any satisfaction.
Mediate.com
APFMnet.org (Academy of Professional Family Mediators)
ACRnet.org (Assn. for Conflict Resolution)
I am HCPOA, and Mom moved in with me at age 90 about a year ago when the wheels fell off the bus & covid was a concern. In February she moved into a dementia-focused AL. I was the one picking the facility and worrying that she'd outlive her savings (oh, the cost comparative spreadsheet I made!), but at the end of the day it's her money still and the burden lies on the POA's to use her resources to act in her best interest.
As a family we agreed to make the best selection for Mom's current needs and if the money gets spent down then it's the Medicare route for Mom.
Quite honestly, if the reluctant sibling chooses to be obstructive because they want to save an inheritance, then they should be offering to take care of mom at the same level that the MC can supply. Meanwhile you're in limbo while they push back but aren't part of a solution and you're...fried, right? Exhausted?
You and POA have the right and duty to do what's in your mom's best interests, so do it. I bet your mom picked you guys for a reason...:)
I want to say that offering the greedy sibling the option to take mom in, is a really dangerous option, they have proven that their inheritance is more important than mom's wellbeing and they would not be taking care of her if it meant spending money on her care. They really can't be a care resource without endangering mom.
Reason #1: That fact that she takes a mile walk at her age is fantastic. But those walks can turn into a nightmare if she forgets how to get home. And what if she looses track of time and decides to take one of those walks at 2 AM? Wandering is a major reason why caregivers place their LOs in a care facility.
Reason #2: You're not getting the rest you need. Sleeplessness by the caregiver is another major reason for placement. At times my wife would be able to stay awake for a entire day and night. She had no regular sleeping patterns anymore. The early morning hours can be very dangerous for your mom. Like my wife, she may decide to get dressed and get her day started at 1 AM and leave the house ( back to wandering).
As her POA, you not only have the right to make decisions on her behalf, you have the responsibility and authority to make those tough decisions. So tell the self centered sibling that mom's needs come before any inheritance, and do what is best for her and yourself.
Its not fair that siblings want to hold onto the money for inheritance sake when one sibling is doing the caring and its effecting their health and lives. Tell the POA that you can no longer do the caring and he/she has the power to place Mom.
In the end, it didn't matter, dad passed in the hospital, but BIL had dad's rental properties up for sale 3 days after the funeral. Anything that sold--he demanded HIS 1/3rd to be hand delivered at like 6 am. DH was executor and to keep the peace in the family, gave BIL and SIL much more than either OTHER BIL or us--just to placate this grasping relative. I lost all respect for him over this.
Dad's money was for DAD'S care, not to line BIL's pockets and I look at him to this day with distrust and will NEVER trust him again.
Looking back--DH, who was also POA, should have been tougher and had spreadsheets, etc to prove to BIL that we weren't cleaning out the estate. He even refused to allow DH to take an hourly fee for all the work he did on the estate. I flipped the condo and it sold for $50K more than it would have w/o all that work. BIL gave ME a budget and mafe me show him all the receits. I was not paid a dime.
DH is his mom's POA and also her executor. She really needs to be in an assisted living, but again, BIL just sees dollar signs and won't allow it. DH won't stand up to him, as he is a Dr. No Shot and will not do conflict of any kind. I see te writing on the wall--it's going to be a nightmare, again.
What's the POINT of having POA's if nobody respects their 'authority'? I don't think my brother is taking proper care of mother, but she is content enough and so I leave it alone. If she didn't like it, she could change it.
Mom gets what Mom needs with MOM'S (not anyone's inheritance) money.
If it makes the greedy sibling any happier, my mother has been in a nursing home for 2 1/2 years at between $8900 and $12,000/month. Her money has been well-invested (by me), and she is worth more now than she was when she went in.
Focus on good investing of Mom's funds, and Mom can have what she needs and Greedy McGreedpants may have a windfall at the end, too.
YOUR wellbeing is paramount here. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Tell the POA sibling that you get more input than anyone else, and that if anyone disagrees, your mother moves to THEIR house. Enough is enough.
How long has your mother been living with you, and how did it happen to all fall to you?
Regarding inheritance - no one is entitled to her money and its benefits other than your mom. I am certain that they sacrificed and planned to have enough money at the end of their lives that a burden would not be placed on the children.
Put mom in the best place for HER. Tell the sibling that it is your legal and moral right to take care of mom in the best way as possible. If they need money so badly that they are counting on mom passing, they should be ashamed.
Personally I would select the one that...
At this point provides the best care
Next would be proximity to family
Since you are primary caregivers I would think the facility that can make her a resident as soon as possible would be on the list as priority.
Tactfully, gently remind sibling that is concerned with inheritance that the money mom and dad saved was saved for "their golden years, their retirement, their care" as the main goal for saving. That is what her money should be used for.
Sibling can save for her or his "golden years, retirement, care" just as mom and dad did. An inheritance is not guaranteed....
Is mom mentally able to look and decide which one she might like?
Wold ya'll be able to take her to visit a couple that ya'll are thinking about?
The best thing to do is visit and observe and talk to the people living there without anyone of the workers around.
Tare your mom to have lunch there, see the other residences at lunch and at a function and observe.
A Live In could be hired for mom if ya'll still want her living with you.
Inheritance does not become Inheritance until the person is dead so thinking about what might be left is not the way it should be.. the money belongs to your mom and should be spent on your mom, to find the best place for her placement possible.
As far as I'm concerned, there are many very beautiful places to the eye and when you visit you're told everything you want to hear but once the person is admitted it isn't what it seems.
Most are understaffed and you're treated as an object as something that have things to get done, not a person.
You lose everything, you lose your privacy, you have to bathe when they tell you no matter if it's 5:30 or 6 in the morning if that's whst it takes for the Aide to get thru to everyone and I know this 1st hand as my sister worked in one.
You get dressed every morning even if you just feel like lounging around in your pajamas, you eat when they tell you, ect.
The only thing that is yours to keep is your mind and they will take thst to by giving drugs, if you become what they see as a problem and you'll be turned in to a zombie.
If it's at all possible, the best place for mom would be with family.
Can't you be paid to let mom live there and you can have a Caregiver come in and do a 12 hr shift from 8 AM to 8 PM or more if needed.
When my Dad was 95 he wasn't able to urinate and got really bad off went to the hospital with kidney failure but he got better and got out with having to be on a Catheter but the episode did something to his mind and then dementia set in and I did what he wanted and that's let him stay in his own home and I hired 24 7 Caregiver help.
More costly then putting him in a Senior Home but I knew he would be so confused, scared and unhappy if he lived there.
I had cameras installed so I could keep an eye on how the Caregivers are doing and how he's being treated.
Yes, he is going thru his money for his Care and there won't be an inheritance left but it was the right thing to do.
It's his hard earned money and it should be used to keep him as happy as he can be during his last day's.
Your Mom should be placed in the best place, which isn't always the prettiest or fanciest place and definitely a place close to family.
People are better off in homes if they're know to get visitor's.
You should also check about putting a nest camera in your mom's room so you can at least see how she is being treated I'm her room.
Prayers that your mom gets what is Best for your Mom.
than bringing him into your home !!!
that said ... good private care homes
offer lots companionship with other residents and staff .. activities... entertainment... and your dad never alone staring at a caregiver all day ...
i’d choose good small private home with my own suite and bathroom.
Since you and your husband are the caregivers that are burning out, set a reasonable date to move Mom in a memory care facility.
Since a sibling has power of attorney, work with this person to find a memory care unit as Mom's new home: 1 - that Mom can afford and that will accept Medicaid if needed, and 2 - meets the standard of care (look online for your state/province's standards), and 3 - that makes it easy to visit Mom. Mom's finances are to care for Mom and not about providing an inheritance. This is why the person with the power of attorney needs to make these arrangements.
over care of parents !!!!
it’s your dad’s money and should be all spent on his comfort and then some !!!!
Inheritance is the 'leftover' of what mom doesn't need while she is alive. It's her money. I bet at least once in her/your dad's life, mom said she was saving for her old age. Well, old age is here and sounds like she funded quite well for her future medical needs.
There are two choices for the hold-out sibling. Use the money for facility care because current caregiver is worn out - or- sibling takes mom to her house and tries to save mom's money (just has been the financial arrangement while mom lived with you). If sibling agrees, then tell her if there comes a time she needs in-home health care for mom - y'all are agreeable to that. If she decides memory care is best - y'all are open to that as well. Sibs agreement to try and keep mom out of facility care is an option now. The facility/home health care conversation can be revisited if needed in the future.
Elder care advocate/financial advisor: Ask sibling if she has other recommendations - second opinion is not a bad thing, but remind sibling how much was spent for the initial consultants. Remember, the money belongs to mom, so no harm/no foul to get a second opinion if that would resolve issues with the sibling. You might find sib has no recommendation and/or doesn't want to spend more money for another opinion. Might have just been a roadblock on her part.
Give sibling the two options. If you're tired, make sure sib understands that your house is no longer an option. Sib takes over the care or mom goes to one of the nice facilities you found. Sib can check on her at facility and if not happy with the care - another family meeting.
Then check the entertainment director and his or her resources,, room and all-- do they use a TV too often as a baby-sitter? And look at the Nurses station in the main lobby-- do the staff sit around "doing paperwork" or are they up and about checking on all the people in the facility-- are there enough CNAs to go around-- how many will show up for breakfast duty? or is there just one to get all the people up, dressed, cleaned up for breakfast?
THE POA is going to have to do his or her homework and make wise choices-- legally speaking-- it is imperative and binding-- the responsibility goes both ways. AND-- anywhere you go it will cost an arm and a leg.. so choose wisely. Also be aware that many CNAs are quite inexperienced and do contribute to elder accidents by their basic ignorance. In older times-- community and families living under one roof-- kept people more aware of elder safety issues-- but fewer families do that anymore and kids are just not aware of such issues and all the responsibilities. And Jr Colleges cannot teach that-- that comes with OJT. ALSO-- make sure the facility manager/director is old and wise enough... and not a bimbo... good luck.
I did forget to mention-- a private room is so much more expensive but a shared room is a real pain since many of the residents will be going through greater decline and could be a real bad experience for Mom-- many of them since they cannot remember what belongs to them tend to be thieves to the N-th degree-- and there is no reasoning with them-- waste of time-- some eventually get moved to nursing homes.. BEST advice-- keep an eye out for places where the level of apathy is high.. good luck.
That's what I have to say about inheritances before they're actually inheritances. How dare 'children' even discuss such a thing or decide how their parents should be taken care of based on the inheritance they will or will not get as a result?
Disgusting.
Your 'one sibling' who's so worried about 'his inheritance' should be doing ALL the 24/7 caregiving for your mother who's suffering from dementia, all alone, with NO HELP at ALL. ONLY then will he begin to understand what you've been going through all this time and what a Godsend Memory Care AL really is. He'd gladly give up 'his inheritance' in a heartbeat if he was saddled with this task, I guarantee it. It's really really easy to have his attitude while doing NOTHING in the caregiving department, or having no responsibilities for his mother's daily care and management.
Drop mother off on his porch for a week and then ask him what he'd like to do next.
Wishing you the best of luck getting everyone to make the RIGHT decision for your mother's care moving forward.
“Making this decision has torn our family apart as the one sibling doesn’t trust the elder care advocate and financial advisor hired by the sibling with power of attorney.”
Perhaps you could say more about this distrust. Is there an alternate advisor that could be brought in or could this one provide references that could be contacted?
To say that someone’s distrust is tearing the family apart, that’s pretty strong distrust to overcome.
Maybe a mediator would be helpful?
I recently discovered a brief model of therapy focused on solutions rather than the problem.
Read a little about this here. Check out the blog as well. It might be a thought starter for your family.
https://solutionfocused.net/what-is-solution-focused-therapy/
The immediate idea (to me) would be to get you and hubby some rest right away. Respite for mom or a mom-sitter to come in at night and keep mom company while this is sorted out.
I’ve often read of Med modification when someone goes into care. So perhaps a partial solution would be to obtain the help of a geriatric psychiatrist to take a look at moms meds now? When she goes into MC would the expectation be that her meds wouldn’t be adjusted? Little by little many of the things that aren’t done at home are done when a person goes into a facility.
Predictable next steps have to be taken to get the patient from one stage to the next regardless of where they live. In addition the family has to make adjustments. Not everyone is ready at the same time. We recently had a hospital bed brought in for DH aunt, 94 with dementia. I was really dreading it. Turns out. she loves her bed. She can get up so much easier now. It was me who needed to catch up, not her.
Years ago aunt was out zooming around in her little car. When it was obvious there was a problem, the car had to go. She once told me, I walk these floors with my Gun in hand. Yikes. I had to get that gun immediately. As time went by, different problems surfaced that didn’t have such obvious solutions. Each time I think, should I place her now? How long will her money last? How will she manage another hurricane season? The list goes on as life unfolds. Each problem requiring it’s on solution. As caregivers burn out, only one solution comes to mind. Let the professionals manage it and that can be the best idea overall but if the caregiver had help all along, there would be less burnout.
Wishing you peaceful days and nights ahead regardless of where your mom lives. Have POA hire another layer of help while they work it out.
yes the sibling was asked they would take on caregiving duties. They researched 24/7 caregivers to find the cost to be over some of the MC centers. So that idea was scrapped.