Siblings fighting over which memory care center for Mom. We are fortunate to find a few good MC centers but concerned over funds. Advice?

You might want to think about which center would be best in taking care of her needs especially when her mind is going. Does it have good supervision of dementia patients? Do the residents seem happy enough in the place? Be careful about those siblings for they might care more about the money than about her wellbeing.

My mother is very well off, money and a house all paid up, life insurance policies and so forth. When my father died he had no will. Sadly I would not talk to him about it when he asked me. I told him I did not want to think about it. My brother insisted on his inheritance when my dad died. He hounded me and even drew up a will leaving a very good portion to himself. I never knew he was like that. He does not speak to me now and I am sad about it but relieved because of all the stress he caused me in the past. He did not think about my mother but just himself. No thank you no nothing for taking care of our mother. I told him that our mom is still living and it is for her future care and she can do what she wants with it. My cousins family does not speak to her since she placed her parents in a wonderful memory care facility. Some did not go to the mothers funeral. Very sad, indeed.
My advice is to do what is best for your mother and to heck with the rest of those money hungry siblings of yours. In the end what ever you do will never please them. I made the right decision and to heck with any family member that thinks otherwise. Follow your heart and take good care of your mother.

It's important to be near your loved one, to make it easier to visit regularly. Visiting regularly will help your mother more than anything and allow you to keep track of how well she is cared for. All the family should be invested in her well being. As the primary caregiver, I put family on notice immediately that they should not count on getting an inheiritence, as the funds would go first to provide for my father's care. I did a lot of research and visits before selecting a place for my father and I initially took him along to see what he favored. I did not hire an intermediary.

I can say that if your mother is able to walk a mile a day, she will feel very constrained in memory care.

Well I'm sorry you all are going through this and it is good that the POA sibling tried to get consensus from all involved. But the answer is whatever is best for mom. If it were a decision between 2 facilities equal in care but one be less costly as opposed to MC vs ?

The POA has a fiduciary duty to mom to handle her finances to benefit mom with her safety kept in mind. We all know MC and AL is very expensive. My father was a penny pincher all his life - child of depression. He was aghast at the cost of AL and wanted to leave bro and I an inheritance. He was very resistant to him and mom moving to AL - my response to him was that his and mom's needs were more important than leaving bro & I $. If there was $ left all well and good - but if it all went to their care then so be it. So to AL they went. Dad is now gone he lived to 91 - he thought he be dead by 65 based on his parents and bro. Mom is still kicking and doing well is 88 and if like her mother and paternal grandfather will be looking to still being alive at 97 - hopefully her money will hold out until then - just praying her MCI doesn't become dementia - so far so good.

To bro concerned about $, too bad - he needs to look at his mother and her needs - it sounds as if he doesn't believe she has the need of MC. POA needs to put his fiduciary hat on and do what's best for mom. Good luck to all of you.

The person with POA is the one who gets to sign all the documents and manage the finances, possibly medical decisions too. While it's nice to try to include all the kids in the decisions, sometimes this is what you run into. Push comes to shove, the POA should make the call. Any who are supportive will back that up and tell the other(s) to butt out.

For the one worried about inheritance - unless that person smartens up and understands the assets are MOM's until she passes and need to be used to provide the best care she can get, then they should be told they won't be part of the decision process. The person should also be told that inheritance is NEVER guaranteed and shouldn't be one's life goal. It is sad people boil down to this.

Deciding on which MC facility should have nothing to do with the EC advocate or financial advisor. That "tiff" can be handled separately, if at all. POA happy with them, that's all that counts. If all others are on board with making a decision, then you all meet and choose one of the places. If allowed in now, do make at least one more walk through of each place, observing all, asking questions, etc.

A well managed trust fund can go a long way. When I realized it was dementia, we revisited the EC atty who did it all for mom when dad was not well. He queried her and was satisfied she still understood enough, so he set up a trust and a life-estate** for the condo. As her CDs matured, I closed them and finally (waiting for YB to sign paperwork) deposited all that into the trust. I tried bringing in aides (never got past 1hr/day, to check on her and get her used to it, so she could remain there longer.) We moved her to MC and it took me (very little help from bros) 2.75 years to get condo sale ready - that also went into her trust. Despite taking at least 4k/month to cover the balance of the facility and anything else she needed/wanted, it was like we never touched it! Six years after I took over finances and four years of MC later, there were still plenty of funds! We all got a share (there's a little more tidying up to do, but the bulk is done.) IF mom didn't have strokes and lived more years, I wouldn't care if there was nothing left. It WASN'T our money, period. I didn't even take anything for managing it all, juggling everything, for 6 years, just to be sure there would be enough.

Two of us were named POAs, but you'd never know it. One was never used for anything. All 3 of us were trustees of the trust, but again, you'd never know it! There was some coordination initially, but only a little and then they faded into the woodwork, leaving me to do it all. At least they weren't up my butt about anything.

** I would not recommend a life-estate unless you know the person can remain there to the end or close to the end. It is a great benefit to those who inherit it, as the cost basis is bumped up, less or no cap gains to pay. However, if the person has to move before that, it is a pain in the butt and was expensive at closing because we had to use the EC atty ($400 or more per hour!) Also, the way this is set up, the bulk of the proceeds go to the "remaindermen", aka us. If you have siblings who are all into it for the money, say bye bye to that! The IRS has tables and mom got a very small part of it. Thankfully we were all okay with putting it into the trust.

Greed is everywhere... Not everyone, but they are all out there! We just did the interment of mom's ashes. One cousin had been mostly raised by our aunt. She lost her mom and dad at age 9/10 and this aunt finished raising the kids. Cousin ALWAYS took care of the others in the family. The aunt's own kids and grandkids had disabilities (some manifested in adult life, early death.) My cousin saw to it that all were cared for. She'd have to fly to FL for a doc appt right away, drop everything. She managed it all. She told me that the day after that aunt passed away, her eldest called wanting to know what the will said. UGH!

Remind person the sibling that is concerned about the cost, that the money, etc. belongs to mom & she should be placed in the MC unit that is best suited for her. That's the decision for the POA to make. Unfortunately she won't have the freedom to continue her walking unless they'll allow her to walk with a family member. Might want to consider this when finding a place for her. Maybe the POA should listen to each of you for the reason of where & make the best decision that she can. Or have a family meeting to discuss this. She is her mom's POA for a reason.

Imho, as the primary caregivers, you require respite through any means possible to be able to get restorative sleep.

This post should also be a caveat for children of elderly parents to not give up their jobs or income producing years caring for saif parents. Simply because the reality is that when you are old chances are good you will wind up in some medicaid paid he'll hole when you can no lin her live at home. The universe is a real comedian when it comes to life and doesnt care how altruistic you are in life in regards to giving you a helping hand.

Another consideration is the transition to Medicaid, Medicaid waiver if your state has it. We choose a place the was nice, close and also has LTC and has 25% Medicaid beds. Mom wanted to be near us if the time came. Having aunts (17 years in AL/MC/LTC) and other family friends go through the process, the Medicaid waiver can be longer and seemed to take more effort. Some had a year waiting list. The current MC/ LTC told us to let them know about 4-5 months for the need for Medicaid and need would assist with the transition. You would rather not move her again. Many places prioritize their internal clients for Medicaid openings. The place we chose was not on our list 2 years ago because the preferred one stopped doing LTC at that facility and would have meant moving her again to a place much farther away.

I have no idea how big your family is but you do have a husband and you are both the prime caregivers. Call a meeting and have ALL members present. If possible, try to have a professional "mediator" in at the meeting. Present all facts, pro/con. When all is said and done, you must make a majority decision and I see you two as having the most clout as you are the caretakers. Determine who, if anyone, pays for this and if medicaid, etc. is available. You need full facts and everyone must know them and hear them at one time. Who is the power of attorney? Have you talked to an eldercare attorney for input? Please do this - set boundaries and make others share in the burdens. Sometimes situations like this will tear the families apart but do you want a relationship with family members who cause so much trouble? I would not.

Have you asked the inheritance seeking sibling if they want to take mom to live with them? That would save the money for inheritance. If not, the rest of you just have to do what is best for mom & you.

Hi BetterB

“Making this decision has torn our family apart as the one sibling doesn’t trust the elder care advocate and financial advisor hired by the sibling with power of attorney.”

Perhaps you could say more about this distrust. Is there an alternate advisor that could be brought in or could this one provide references that could be contacted?
To say that someone’s distrust is tearing the family apart, that’s pretty strong distrust to overcome.

Maybe a mediator would be helpful?

I recently discovered a brief model of therapy focused on solutions rather than the problem.

Read a little about this here. Check out the blog as well. It might be a thought starter for your family.

https://solutionfocused.net/what-is-solution-focused-therapy/

The immediate idea (to me) would be to get you and hubby some rest right away. Respite for mom or a mom-sitter to come in at night and keep mom company while this is sorted out.

I’ve often read of Med modification when someone goes into care. So perhaps a partial solution would be to obtain the help of a geriatric psychiatrist to take a look at moms meds now? When she goes into MC would the expectation be that her meds wouldn’t be adjusted? Little by little many of the things that aren’t done at home are done when a person goes into a facility.

Predictable next steps have to be taken to get the patient from one stage to the next regardless of where they live. In addition the family has to make adjustments. Not everyone is ready at the same time. We recently had a hospital bed brought in for DH aunt, 94 with dementia. I was really dreading it. Turns out. she loves her bed. She can get up so much easier now. It was me who needed to catch up, not her.

Years ago aunt was out zooming around in her little car. When it was obvious there was a problem, the car had to go. She once told me, I walk these floors with my Gun in hand. Yikes. I had to get that gun immediately. As time went by, different problems surfaced that didn’t have such obvious solutions. Each time I think, should I place her now? How long will her money last? How will she manage another hurricane season? The list goes on as life unfolds. Each problem requiring it’s on solution. As caregivers burn out, only one solution comes to mind. Let the professionals manage it and that can be the best idea overall but if the caregiver had help all along, there would be less burnout.

Wishing you peaceful days and nights ahead regardless of where your mom lives. Have POA hire another layer of help while they work it out.

I am an only child who's been managing 'my $400K inheritance' for the past 7 years. I am calling it 'my $400 inheritance' in quotes b/c it's NOT my inheritance. It's my parent's money that they've worked hard for their entire lives and signed over to me to manage FOR them when they lost their ability to do so themselves. At that time, I could have pocketed the funds and moved them into my home to take over their care myself. Or, I could have placed them in Assisted Living where they would get GOOD quality care 24/7, which is what I did. Dad died a year later and my mother is now 94+ and living in Memory Care AL which costs upwards of $7K per month after it's all said and done. I'm STILL using HER money, or 'my inheritance', to pay for her dementia care in MC until her money runs out. At which time I will apply for Medicaid to finance her care in Skilled Nursing.

That's what I have to say about inheritances before they're actually inheritances. How dare 'children' even discuss such a thing or decide how their parents should be taken care of based on the inheritance they will or will not get as a result?

Disgusting.

Your 'one sibling' who's so worried about 'his inheritance' should be doing ALL the 24/7 caregiving for your mother who's suffering from dementia, all alone, with NO HELP at ALL. ONLY then will he begin to understand what you've been going through all this time and what a Godsend Memory Care AL really is. He'd gladly give up 'his inheritance' in a heartbeat if he was saddled with this task, I guarantee it. It's really really easy to have his attitude while doing NOTHING in the caregiving department, or having no responsibilities for his mother's daily care and management.

Drop mother off on his porch for a week and then ask him what he'd like to do next.

Wishing you the best of luck getting everyone to make the RIGHT decision for your mother's care moving forward.

Glad to see the monster in the room, the inheritance, discussed openly.

First always go by the food-- visit each ALF at lunchtime-- usually the fare is SYSCO-- and every year the facility hires a new cook to figure out new ways to prepare the same food... Gordons is better food.. look for Gordons company-- trilogy health services was one conglomerate that uses Gordons...
Then check the entertainment director and his or her resources,, room and all-- do they use a TV too often as a baby-sitter? And look at the Nurses station in the main lobby-- do the staff sit around "doing paperwork" or are they up and about checking on all the people in the facility-- are there enough CNAs to go around-- how many will show up for breakfast duty? or is there just one to get all the people up, dressed, cleaned up for breakfast?
THE POA is going to have to do his or her homework and make wise choices-- legally speaking-- it is imperative and binding-- the responsibility goes both ways. AND-- anywhere you go it will cost an arm and a leg.. so choose wisely. Also be aware that many CNAs are quite inexperienced and do contribute to elder accidents by their basic ignorance. In older times-- community and families living under one roof-- kept people more aware of elder safety issues-- but fewer families do that anymore and kids are just not aware of such issues and all the responsibilities. And Jr Colleges cannot teach that-- that comes with OJT. ALSO-- make sure the facility manager/director is old and wise enough... and not a bimbo... good luck.

Oh, the inheritance issue! Especially for those who aren't doing the work.

Inheritance is the 'leftover' of what mom doesn't need while she is alive. It's her money. I bet at least once in her/your dad's life, mom said she was saving for her old age. Well, old age is here and sounds like she funded quite well for her future medical needs.

There are two choices for the hold-out sibling. Use the money for facility care because current caregiver is worn out - or- sibling takes mom to her house and tries to save mom's money (just has been the financial arrangement while mom lived with you). If sibling agrees, then tell her if there comes a time she needs in-home health care for mom - y'all are agreeable to that. If she decides memory care is best - y'all are open to that as well. Sibs agreement to try and keep mom out of facility care is an option now. The facility/home health care conversation can be revisited if needed in the future.

Elder care advocate/financial advisor: Ask sibling if she has other recommendations - second opinion is not a bad thing, but remind sibling how much was spent for the initial consultants. Remember, the money belongs to mom, so no harm/no foul to get a second opinion if that would resolve issues with the sibling. You might find sib has no recommendation and/or doesn't want to spend more money for another opinion. Might have just been a roadblock on her part.

Give sibling the two options. If you're tired, make sure sib understands that your house is no longer an option. Sib takes over the care or mom goes to one of the nice facilities you found. Sib can check on her at facility and if not happy with the care - another family meeting.

Unbelievable how many children concerned with their inheritance
over care of parents !!!!
it’s your dad’s money and should be all spent on his comfort and then some !!!!

So sorry that caring for Mom has become a tug of war.

Since you and your husband are the caregivers that are burning out, set a reasonable date to move Mom in a memory care facility.

Since a sibling has power of attorney, work with this person to find a memory care unit as Mom's new home: 1 - that Mom can afford and that will accept Medicaid if needed, and 2 - meets the standard of care (look online for your state/province's standards), and 3 - that makes it easy to visit Mom. Mom's finances are to care for Mom and not about providing an inheritance. This is why the person with the power of attorney needs to make these arrangements.

My only advice in this situation, is to think clearly and avoid any kind of disputes for any reason. The whole family will regret it when she's no longer here, and you can't take it back and fix it. Tell your siblings to act like adults, you do the same, and you'll be happy that you found a solution peacefully rather than squabbling over something that COULD be resolved peacefully. Do it for your mother's sake, and peace. Best of luck!

Not much anyone but the one who has legal rights to make mom's decision.

Is mom mentally able to look and decide which one she might like?

Wold ya'll be able to take her to visit a couple that ya'll are thinking about?

The best thing to do is visit and observe and talk to the people living there without anyone of the workers around.

Tare your mom to have lunch there, see the other residences at lunch and at a function and observe.

A Live In could be hired for mom if ya'll still want her living with you.

Inheritance does not become Inheritance until the person is dead so thinking about what might be left is not the way it should be.. the money belongs to your mom and should be spent on your mom, to find the best place for her placement possible.

As far as I'm concerned, there are many very beautiful places to the eye and when you visit you're told everything you want to hear but once the person is admitted it isn't what it seems.

Most are understaffed and you're treated as an object as something that have things to get done, not a person.

You lose everything, you lose your privacy, you have to bathe when they tell you no matter if it's 5:30 or 6 in the morning if that's whst it takes for the Aide to get thru to everyone and I know this 1st hand as my sister worked in one.
You get dressed every morning even if you just feel like lounging around in your pajamas, you eat when they tell you, ect.

The only thing that is yours to keep is your mind and they will take thst to by giving drugs, if you become what they see as a problem and you'll be turned in to a zombie.

If it's at all possible, the best place for mom would be with family.

Can't you be paid to let mom live there and you can have a Caregiver come in and do a 12 hr shift from 8 AM to 8 PM or more if needed.

When my Dad was 95 he wasn't able to urinate and got really bad off went to the hospital with kidney failure but he got better and got out with having to be on a Catheter but the episode did something to his mind and then dementia set in and I did what he wanted and that's let him stay in his own home and I hired 24 7 Caregiver help.

More costly then putting him in a Senior Home but I knew he would be so confused, scared and unhappy if he lived there.

I had cameras installed so I could keep an eye on how the Caregivers are doing and how he's being treated.

Yes, he is going thru his money for his Care and there won't be an inheritance left but it was the right thing to do.

It's his hard earned money and it should be used to keep him as happy as he can be during his last day's.

Your Mom should be placed in the best place, which isn't always the prettiest or fanciest place and definitely a place close to family.

People are better off in homes if they're know to get visitor's.

You should also check about putting a nest camera in your mom's room so you can at least see how she is being treated I'm her room.

Prayers that your mom gets what is Best for your Mom.

The decision ultimately rests with the one with POA.
Personally I would select the one that...
At this point provides the best care
Next would be proximity to family
Since you are primary caregivers I would think the facility that can make her a resident as soon as possible would be on the list as priority.
Tactfully, gently remind sibling that is concerned with inheritance that the money mom and dad saved was saved for "their golden years, their retirement, their care" as the main goal for saving. That is what her money should be used for.
Sibling can save for her or his "golden years, retirement, care" just as mom and dad did. An inheritance is not guaranteed....

Ultimately it is the POA’s decision, period, end of story. Others can provide input on the decision but in the end it is the POA’s final say. The parent selected that individual for some reason they saw the person as the best fit for the task .

The POA is the person to determine what is best for your mom. She respected and trusted you enough to give you POA.
Regarding inheritance - no one is entitled to her money and its benefits other than your mom. I am certain that they sacrificed and planned to have enough money at the end of their lives that a burden would not be placed on the children.
Put mom in the best place for HER. Tell the sibling that it is your legal and moral right to take care of mom in the best way as possible. If they need money so badly that they are counting on mom passing, they should be ashamed.

Your entire family is disrespecting YOU the caregiver. You have done enough! I'm curious if you have gotten any compensation from the POA for having your mother in your home and being caregiver.

YOUR wellbeing is paramount here. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Tell the POA sibling that you get more input than anyone else, and that if anyone disagrees, your mother moves to THEIR house. Enough is enough.

How long has your mother been living with you, and how did it happen to all fall to you?

We are in a similar situation. My MIL is 91 and walks constantly as well. Has dementia and is in need of Homecare which we want to get set up for now, Atleast part time, meals, companionship, and possibly transportation. The other sibling says he isn't "ready" for that. We asked at what point are you going to be ready? We all have our lives to live outside of taking care of mom! We are very active people and would like to have her cared for, for her to be safe at home. We also don't want to get to the point of resenting her because we have to be there all the time. The other siblings live pretty far away and want to travel back and forth to care for her, but we live the closest and have been caring for her for the last 10 years. I feel like they are in denial of what her needs are? At any rate, i feel your pain. I think the person with the POA of healthcare is probably the one who needs to make the final decision in your situation. It is a tough one, as a lot of these facilities are pretty scary. I guess you can always try the one that they like and if it turns out to be horrible, then switch her(?) Not sure about all the logistics doing that, but for what they charge at these places, you want to be happy with where she is!🙏❤️Good luck, and try and make some time for YOU!

Who has the Power of Attorney? That is the person or persons who makes the decision.

Reading all of this makes me realize just how lucky I am. My sibs and I do not always agree but we are committed to the best care for our mom and find a way to reach a consensus . We recently had to make the move from asst living to memory care. It was hard and ended up requiring a move for her to a completely different town and transferring care decisions to a different sib. I really don’t understand why the in laws have any in put at all beyond an opinion if asked for. Kids make these choice for their parents not their spouses.

This is why the POA makes the final decision. Inheritances do not exist until someone is dead, so the greedy sibling is fighting over money that simply isn't theirs to fight over.

Mom gets what Mom needs with MOM'S (not anyone's inheritance) money.

If it makes the greedy sibling any happier, my mother has been in a nursing home for 2 1/2 years at between $8900 and $12,000/month. Her money has been well-invested (by me), and she is worth more now than she was when she went in.

Focus on good investing of Mom's funds, and Mom can have what she needs and Greedy McGreedpants may have a windfall at the end, too.

My BIL was WAAAAY too invested in where we placed FIL. BIL wanted a huge inheritance, which made me (a DIL myself) really angry. He showed his true colors as we looked into places for dad. Old, gross, poorly run places into which I would not put my dog! But they were super cheap.

In the end, it didn't matter, dad passed in the hospital, but BIL had dad's rental properties up for sale 3 days after the funeral. Anything that sold--he demanded HIS 1/3rd to be hand delivered at like 6 am. DH was executor and to keep the peace in the family, gave BIL and SIL much more than either OTHER BIL or us--just to placate this grasping relative. I lost all respect for him over this.

Dad's money was for DAD'S care, not to line BIL's pockets and I look at him to this day with distrust and will NEVER trust him again.

Looking back--DH, who was also POA, should have been tougher and had spreadsheets, etc to prove to BIL that we weren't cleaning out the estate. He even refused to allow DH to take an hourly fee for all the work he did on the estate. I flipped the condo and it sold for $50K more than it would have w/o all that work. BIL gave ME a budget and mafe me show him all the receits. I was not paid a dime.

DH is his mom's POA and also her executor. She really needs to be in an assisted living, but again, BIL just sees dollar signs and won't allow it. DH won't stand up to him, as he is a Dr. No Shot and will not do conflict of any kind. I see te writing on the wall--it's going to be a nightmare, again.

What's the POINT of having POA's if nobody respects their 'authority'? I don't think my brother is taking proper care of mother, but she is content enough and so I leave it alone. If she didn't like it, she could change it.

This is where the POA steps in. Mom needs care and her Dementia will only worsen. You no longer can care for her. So the POA now makes the decision. Thats why they are POA. Moms money needs to be spent down. Once that is done then Medicaid needs to be applied for. MCs are usually private pay but your State may pay for it. If not, then Mom will need to go to Long term care. There comes a time anyway, were MC is not enough.

Its not fair that siblings want to hold onto the money for inheritance sake when one sibling is doing the caring and its effecting their health and lives. Tell the POA that you can no longer do the caring and he/she has the power to place Mom.