One sibling seems to be counting on inheritance and so is concerned with the cost of memory care. Others are more concerned with Mom's needs and a MC center with proximity to family.
At 94, Mom walks almost a mile a day and she has longevity in the family. Her sister passed away at 102, though she did not have dementia as Mom does.
Making this decision has torn our family apart as the one sibling doesn’t trust the elder care advocate and financial advisor hired by the sibling with power of attorney.
Anyone have this experience? Perhaps I just need to vent as my husband and I are the primary caregivers and we are tired as Mom keeps us up at night.
Reason #1: That fact that she takes a mile walk at her age is fantastic. But those walks can turn into a nightmare if she forgets how to get home. And what if she looses track of time and decides to take one of those walks at 2 AM? Wandering is a major reason why caregivers place their LOs in a care facility.
Reason #2: You're not getting the rest you need. Sleeplessness by the caregiver is another major reason for placement. At times my wife would be able to stay awake for a entire day and night. She had no regular sleeping patterns anymore. The early morning hours can be very dangerous for your mom. Like my wife, she may decide to get dressed and get her day started at 1 AM and leave the house ( back to wandering).
As her POA, you not only have the right to make decisions on her behalf, you have the responsibility and authority to make those tough decisions. So tell the self centered sibling that mom's needs come before any inheritance, and do what is best for her and yourself.
I am HCPOA, and Mom moved in with me at age 90 about a year ago when the wheels fell off the bus & covid was a concern. In February she moved into a dementia-focused AL. I was the one picking the facility and worrying that she'd outlive her savings (oh, the cost comparative spreadsheet I made!), but at the end of the day it's her money still and the burden lies on the POA's to use her resources to act in her best interest.
As a family we agreed to make the best selection for Mom's current needs and if the money gets spent down then it's the Medicare route for Mom.
Quite honestly, if the reluctant sibling chooses to be obstructive because they want to save an inheritance, then they should be offering to take care of mom at the same level that the MC can supply. Meanwhile you're in limbo while they push back but aren't part of a solution and you're...fried, right? Exhausted?
You and POA have the right and duty to do what's in your mom's best interests, so do it. I bet your mom picked you guys for a reason...:)
I want to say that offering the greedy sibling the option to take mom in, is a really dangerous option, they have proven that their inheritance is more important than mom's wellbeing and they would not be taking care of her if it meant spending money on her care. They really can't be a care resource without endangering mom.
Should ALL siblings be willing, consider family mediation. Resource below were gathered by Geaton in past, and are worth a try if simply sitting and discussing doesn't bring any satisfaction.
Mediate.com
APFMnet.org (Academy of Professional Family Mediators)
ACRnet.org (Assn. for Conflict Resolution)
Tell them to stop trying for consent from the money hungry sibling, quite frankly, it's none of their business and they have no say. Legally the POA has all of the authority and should not be intimidated or harrassed by any other sibling, they are not even obligated to discuss it with them in any way, shape or form. They can always tell the greedy sibling that they will not be kept in the loop if they don't stop, you can even block them from mom if they try to cause problems by browbeating her or giving her wrong information that causes her to be upset. (I don't advocate for anyone being cut off from those they love, unless those they love don't give two thoughts to them and their wellbeing and that sounds like your sibling. Being kept away may be the only way to put this nonsense to bed.)
Get mom moved and you go back to being her loving daughter.
Edit: maybe you could submit a bill for caregiving, housing and everything else that you and your husband do for your mom that far exceeds the most expensive MC and let it be known that you will get paid monthly from now on. It will make the MC facility the better option.