pepper1 Asked January 2019
What financial information to provide to siblings?
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I am my mom's Conservator and Guardian for almost 7 years now. I have only been providing my siblings with the financial paperwork/forms that the court has me complete yearly for annual report, etc. My siblings had been very hands off and I have always told them if they need receipts, or needed to see anything else to let me know, come by my home and I would sit down with them and provide more. Now all of a sudden it is a problem. I'm being told I don't provide them with any information. I am not trying to hide anything from them and wish they were more involved since they never visit mom or help me do anything for her. Do I have to provide all mom's bank accounts statements to them?
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You have in fact been providing them with information. Which you can point to, reports 1-7, in a row, voilà. You can also repeat - and repeat is the operative word - your invitation to them to ask you, should they have any additional questions.
Clearly, you have not been doing anything wrong, therefore you are not the problem. What is it they are feeling aggrieved about and why has it only now become an issue?
No do not provide them with your mother's bank statements. These are usually marked 'private and confidential' on their envelopes, and so indeed they are, and as your mother's representative and guardian you have a duty to protect her data.
However, that does not mean that you cannot share information you think it right for them to know, and answer their reasonable questions. Perhaps they would like to put some to you?
Goodness I know I would find it hard to keep my temper and refrain from sarcasm, but from the tone of your post I think you're probably a better-natured person than I am. Hugs.
Ask them to put any request for financial information in detail, and in writing, and you will forward to Mom's attorney. Tell them you can give her attorney permission for them to talk with the attorney by appointment, but at their own expense.
Tell them since they do not visit, or assist with caregiving, their motivation for asking is suspect.
Tell them that ALL of Mom's income and assets are for her own use, there is NONE to share with family.
What do you think is their motivation(s)?
Please send for Mom's credit reports from all 3 credit reporting agencies to keep an eye on her financial security. (free once a year in the U.S.).
You have got this! Good that you asked your question! Caregivers can understand why you asked this question. The pressure can be tremendous, yes?
Helpful in that your siblings' request for information would be met with a blank stare. The court would have no interest in relieving their curiosity. They are not parties to the court's arrangements.
But very unhelpful in terms of how you protect your mother's right to a relationship with her children and any future relationship you might want to have with your siblings, and as regards your natural inclination to share information, within reason, with your nearest-and-dearest hem-hem. Especially if you retain any hope of encouraging them to pay your mother some attention while they still can.
To repeat an earlier question - what has happened just recently that has made them restless?
You have offered them a solution to any questions that they have, stick to that. You are busy enough caring for mom solo that this is undue aggravation from them.
Quite frankly, if you were being inappropriate with her funds the court would intervene. Obviously you are not, so tell them they can come visit and ask questions but you would be derelict in your responsibilities to give them financial information that doesn't concern anyone but mom and you by court appointment.
Why any adult feels entitled to view their parents personal finances while they are still alive just boggles the mind, my parents would tell me to go pound sand. The only reason I had any access or information was to pay bills while he was in hospital and SNF.
Hopefully they will come visit mom and understand that it's not their business to receive any more information than what you provide to the courts.
I once had a sister call the lawyer and accuse me of misappropriating my dad's funds (my mom was deceased by that time). Wow! did that comment hurt and crush me deeply. This sibling also made the comment at one time, "I don't know why Mom and Dad didn't just appoint all 5 of us (5 kids in my family) to be their POA." I know why they didn't, and they knew why, too. Parents often know the skills and weaknesses of their children (I know this about my own), and they will hopefully choose a child (or 2) to manage their care, but not 5 kids! Thankfully, my dad's lawyer called my sister on her accusation and told her that he sees all the financial records and had never seen anything that appeared to be a "misappropriation of funds." He assured her that he would have me bring in the most recent bank statements to see if there was any truth to her claim. She seemed to back down a bit after he said this, but the damage was done.
I gave over 10 years in my life to help both my mom and dad. Some of my siblings were more helpful than others when it came to assisting me and our folks. Some were more complacent and didn't mind not having to put in extra time and energy to do more. Some were good at trying to "stir up strife" and I do have scars from that. I don't know how many times I went into the lawyer and said, "I can't do this anymore. It's killing my relationships with my siblings!” He would then go over the list of those who were named in the Trust/Will documents to take on the POA, should I no longer do it. When he named my younger brother, I said, "I can't do that to him, he has 4 boys he's trying to provide for, and this is like having at least another part-time job!" Usually, all it took was for me to recognize that my parents (and God) chose me for this task. It would not be easy, but by God's grace I could do it. I managed to help with both parents' care, make many financial decisions (including selling their home), make more medical decisions than most mom's ever make for their own children, plan and execute 2 funerals, and even plan and execute a memorial art show in my dad's honor. I have no regrets, I handled everything in a moral, ethical, and legal way.
Keep up the good work that you're doing. Your lawyer can deal with your siblings in the future, if need be. You don't need the added stress of their "stirring the pot." Take care of yourself, as much as you can. Get help (and use your mom's funds to do it!)—both of you deserve this.
As an aside, I remember well many years ago when my beloved Nano was declining, my own mother, her daughter, tried to bully me into caring for her, when I had three sons under five years old, very frugal standard of living. When I told her I could not care for Nano, her narcissistic behavior took over. She screamed at me that she didn’t want Medicare taking all her assets, it was HER inheritance. Not a sibling, but greed and sense of entitlement.
(I'm not telling you what to do, but I've had to deal with this kind of ridiculous behavior before).
It is your duty to protect them and all information.
Could it be that the caregiver is lacking in something he needs, like a vacation and is venting to the wrong people?
Meeting with your three siblings was a good idea, but, given your description of flat-out accusations rather than just questions being asked, it sounds like having a professional mediator might have made the meeting more productive.
Isthisrealyreal insightfully wondered if your caregiver nephew may be needing more help and is venting to the wrong people. If so, it may be time to start seriously considering supplemental or other caregiving options for your mom. As you know, the progressive nature of Alzheimer's dementia requires continual reassessment of caregiving needs and alternatives, but the daily stresses of being the responsible party or the primary caregiver can easily result in overlooking reassessments and alternatives, i.e. it's often easier to cope by just keeping your head down and continuing to do what you've been doing. Best wishes in this difficult journey.
I absolutely hate this, it makes me sick at heart, but there is a widespread school of thought at large in the world that thinks it is clever to be cynical, suspicious and disbelieving; and to go about "fact"-finding in a covert way instead of asking straightforward questions. If your sister's ears prick up whenever there's a radio or tv programme or news item about terrible abuses of elderly parents, it's natural that she should pay it attention. But then, sadly, instead of saying to you "what's the form with mother's money, then?" she ferrets about and picks up dog-ends of information and puts two and two together and comes up with one hundred and three. Then there's a whispering campaign, and all kinds of sour grumblings ferment, and then they nominate a spokesman and get together and the whole ghastly situation boils over into a verbal assault, like you just had.
And how DARE they? How dare they accuse you of "stealing" what would in fact anyway be a piffling sum of money in comparison to what your mother's costs must have been over all this time, and then make these accusations without even having bothered to provide the facts on which they reckon to base them?
It's outrageous, and you have every right to be outraged. But as you see I think it's more likely that they've been too clever by half (and have got themselves into a mess over it) than that they're trying to pinch the loot.
You want two things:
an apology, with as much grovelling as you see fit;
a family modus operandi to be followed in future.
You need to write to all of them.
Remind them of when you originally invited them to ask if they had questions, and that none of them has taken the trouble, and repeat the invitation.
Outline for them the process you undergo annually in order to provide the court with information, and again remind them that they have had access to these reports, and again were free to ask for further details but didn't do so.
Explain to them the duty of confidentiality you owe to your mother as Conservator, and that nonetheless you are willing to within those bounds to account for any spending they don't understand.
Tell them that their way of going about this has been incredibly hurtful and destructive, and that it is now for them to put it right.
Close by commenting that this will not affect their being welcome to visit your mother, of course. If you were me, it would be extremely difficult to do this without saying something about "in the unlikely event that you feel a sudden urge to" - but that is what you must not do. Resist!
*** Focus on what you want to happen next ***