Husband wants me in office with him when seeing his Dr. but doesn't want me to speak. I don't know what to do.

First of all, contact the doctor and speak to him/her privately and explain the most difficult situation you are in. Second, when you go with your husband, look your husband in the eye and say something to the effect you love him, you are concerned, and you ARE going to speak up and ask questions - and tell him this is the way it is, no if's, and's or but's. Hopefully by talking to the doctor privately, the doctor will back you up and tell him the same thing. Also have the doctor tell your husband that in the future visits, you must be in the office with him. Stand your ground. You have every right to be there and to speak. Do not let your husband intimidate you. Good luck.

My DH's cardiologist INSISTED that I be at each and every appt following DH's 2 heart attacks last summer.

I don't talk much, but sit slightly behind and to the side of DH, Dr asks hims a question and as he is listening to DH's response, he's looking at me. All I need to do is nod or shake my head for "yep, that's right" or "are you kidding me?". We have a good relationship---and since DH is pretty deaf--he doesn't HEAR 80% of what is said. I take copious notes and then I have those to fall back on.

It's a tricky situation to be in. DH wants me to be as far as humanly possible from him when he's talking to a dr, but he NEEDS someone to be there, to HEAR.

I'm sure I could call his office, if I felt I needed to. His PCP doc also speaks with such a thick accent, he has often said he has no idea what she's said. But, he will only allow me to go with him to the Cardio doc.

On a funny/sad note: the increasing deafness was driving the entire family crazy, He FINALLY had his hearing checked and a thorough ENT checkup. He came home and said he was FINE and all the "hearing issues" were MY problem. Last week I was cleaning out a drawer and in it was a packet of info for hearing aids and a card from the Dr. saying "now that you have accepted your hearing loss as being serious enough so as to be addressed"..... and a sort of "prescription" for hearing aids...well, I got kind of mad. He literally lied to me to get me to stop bugging him. I threw all the info in a pile on his nightstand. He'll see it first thing when he comes home from his business trip.

Oh, he'll NEVER get hearing aids, just wears his bluetooth headphones 24/7 and doesn't have to deal with anything or anybody.

Just listen. Send an email to his doctor in the evening asking for clarification or reiterating what you /he agree to and your reservations if you have any. Your husband lost his hearing but he doesnt want to lose his independence. Play along to get along, and follow up with the doctor when you have the time. Keep a happy home, if you can. Sickness makes all of us act differently then what others are use to. Be Well.

My former husband of 32 yes. Is bipolar also. If he was having a problem I always went with him. The dr. Knew that when I showed up there was a problem. He was the same way. If I spoke if he didnt agree with the dr. It was my fault. Last January he was bad manic because he refuses to take his meds as prescribed and get proper rest. The dr. Had him comitted. But it was my fault. He was there 14 days and came home worse than when he left! On March 3 he was so aggressive and demeaning he got physical for the first time. Because he was not taking his medicine correctly for last 5 yrs. I have really been through it. When it became physical, I called my son from 3 hrs. Away to come get me. He kept getting WORSE and be ame psychotic. For 10 months. He finally went to dr. And they put him on a monthly injection. He has been in bad depression since Sept. In fact he is in hospital now for psychotic depression. I just couldn't take anymore.
I dont know how long you and you
R husband have been married. But I will tell you this... with the home being narscistic as well as bipolar honey you got to put the law down. That is no life to live.
You dont have to be trapped in an unhappy marriage.

I also am deaf in right ear and 60% loss in left ear. I wear a hearing aid in left. It doesn't help much. Sometimes I hear but it does not register. I do not understand what is said. My daughter goes with me. She is also a nurse.she helps alot. My specialist talks fast. I am very southern. So without my daughter, I am sure I could not understand her.

My x husband was the same way. If he did not like what the dr. Said it was my fault if I said anything. He was narcissistic as well as bipolar. A horror.

My mom is deaf in one ear and has about 50% in her other "good" ear, doctors visits in particular are tough because no one wants to give up control over their health decisions or feel like they need to rely on someone else and I imagine even more so for some who feel embarrassed or minimized to have "outsiders" know they need someone else to keep track of stuff. Truth is when it comes to medical stuff, especially as t gets more complicated or important or emotional, we all should have someone in the room for conversations with us. It's impossible to hear and absorb everything thrown out at you when emotions, surprises or disappointments are involved and even when they aren't if a bunch of directions are. Sounds like your husband knows he needs you and wants you there he just isn't ready to admit that to everyone else.

My guess is the doctor, at least if he or she is any good, is very happy to have you there and will sense or already knows, the discomfort for the patient but sees you as an important part of the team and will find ways to communicate with you. It might be trial and error a bit if this isn't a doctor your husband has had, knows and trusts for a long time, in which case they know you and the situation already but the will find a way to check your reaction to questions and answers like someone who mentioned a loved one in the background shaking their head or nodding, they might ask you about concerns and questions or accuracy of answers after sending him to the restroom to leave a urine sample or make themselves available when you excuse yourself to the ladies room. Look for the opportunities if there are things you feel are important but know will agitate your husband or make him uncomfortable. A smile, grin or scowl can say a lot to an experienced doctor taking a history and doesn't have to be seen by your DH. Or if and when you get to the place we have now with mom, a puzzled look or amused face to her in front of the doctor at her response includes her but puts her on notice and she comes cleaner adjusting her answer. But that's happened over time as she has become more relaxed about not being left out and more dependent on us (either my brother or I always take her to appointments) to speak for her. Since her aphasia she just look at me when she wants me to answer for her, I usually make her try partly wanting her to answer and partly wanting her to use her speech but when she's struggling but when I can see it's getting too frustration or the conversation needs to move on I help her with the words or just answer for her but including her or saying, is that right Mom? This way she doesn't start to feel excluded or fear of loosing control over her health decisions. So if you can find a way to present things or express things in a way that keeps him included, feeling in control it might help him feel more and more at ease with having you more actively involved in appointments. Oh the other thing I find helps is when there is something that hasn't been addressed I feel should be I will ask my mom about it with the doctor in the room like it was something mom wanted to ask about and I'm just reminding her. It also helps to have a list of questions or topics that you can hand the nurse who comes in ahead of the doctor or the doctor either up front, stuff you both talked about wanting to mention or ask or on the sly depending on circumstance. I have a notebook I take where I record things talked about at the appointments, all her medical stuff actually but where I record stuff from each appointment so I don't forget too, we can refer to it anytime and that comes in handy. I keep the minutes of the meeting. It's an adjustment for both of you so be patient with yourself and with your DH.

Talk to the doctor privately. Have the doctor tell your husband that he (doctor) wants you to speak freely, ask questions, etc. The doctor must do this because otherwise your husband will give you problems. Another thing you can do is arrange to speak with the doctor privately regarding the medical situation, drugs, etc. And YOU must speak up to your husband too and tell him you INSIST on being involved, and then do it.

My friend went in with her husband but sat behind him and when he answered a question wrong she would shake her head yes or no.  The doctor then received the right response and the husband was unaware.

I give my aunt (92) half an anxiety tablet before we leave home. I take the other half.
She’s very nervous to leave home, which makes me nervous. Sometimes when we are anxious it comes out as anger. Many dementia patients get tired of being bossed around. We caretakers are caught in a bind sometimes trying to get the job done and respecting the patients feelings at the same time.
When In front of the doctor your husband may feel he has an advocate in the doctor (that’s a good thing). He might speak up more forcefully at that time where he would ordinarily let it slide at home where he may not be listening anyway. His senses are heightened with the doctor. It’s his appointment. He wants to talk.
So use the many helpful hints you’ve received here but also listen closely because I’ve heard things for the first time come out of my loved ones mouth while at the doctors office.
Do your best to find a geriatric primary. Makes all the difference.

I solved this problem by keeping a written list of all my concerns and observations. then gave the Dr a copy as we entered the office. That helped a lot and I didn't forget anything. I could be very frank without embarrassing him.

Id tell him that he can go in ALONE. That way he has total control of his appt since he wants it so bad. He will be sorry he cant hear and understand the doc. He really needs you to be his ears. Id stay in the car, and refuse to go in.
Id also tell him its not the 1600 hundreds and that women can be seen and heard.
He will probably need you within 2 mins because he cant hear what they are saying, and directing him to do. He will realize you are much needed. Then I would tell him his embarrassing scenes in front of people will stop forthwith.

I let Mom answer the doctor and if she can't or misstates something, I'll quietly mention the correction or omission.  Only one time did she get angry and disagree with me in front of the doctor regarding something.  However the doctor was able to point out that I was indeed correct according to the medication list. 

It's a balancing act to be honest.  I let some non biggie things go or will do as others and shake my head slightly.  But I always let her try to answer first.

This is a double-edged sword, a “be careful what you wish for” kind of thing. My husband is not crazy about going to doctors although we have a wonderful one. So, he sits back and let’s me do all or most of the talking. I have to keep up on his entire medical and medication history, which is extensive, including dates, disagnoses, procedures, prognosis,symptoms, etc. If I give an opinion, he protests and disagrees and that’s the sum total of his contribution. I WISH he’d take control of his own medical affairs!

You go in and you listen. If the doctor directs a question to you, then you answer and tell DH that the doctor asked you a question and you are going to answer it.

Let him make a scene. I've made more than my share of scenes in the past, no reason for you to be embarrassed.

My patient’s doctor has an email facility called MyChart. We send email comments and questions all the time to the doctor. Sometimes she responds, sometimes not.

For every visit, I used to send a note to the neurologist ahead of time. They understand. None of our loved ones like us to contradict them but the doctors need and should want to listen to the main caregiver. Our neuro always thanked me for the input and he said it was very helpful.
To make it practical, write the main issues, stick to the facts and give examples, do not babble and do not write a novel, be brief but clear, so that the doctor would be able to read your input and focus on the important issues. You need to keep her attention focused. I have heard caregivers who have private discussion with the doctor after the visit, but I feel that is a bit late in the process. Whatever would work between you and the doctor.
Good luck.

I tend to agree with him not wanting you to talk. I wouldn't say anything unless a doctor asks you something directly. I accompany my mom but don't say anything unless asked by the doctor. Other wise I just Shet up.

Share with doctor's nurse.  Suggest that she may consider asking the doctor to intervene politely, explain that his hearing difficulty makes it important that you participate verbally, etc...doc may or may not agree to do so.

Praise God for your diligence.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

A note to the doctor in advance helps, but, I would also try to sit behind my LO during the visit, so, I could nod in agreement or disagreement when she would say things. Due to her memory loss, what she would say was not accurate.

Write everything down before an office visit. Questions, how meds are working etc. Give it to the receptionist before the visit. The doctor should understand the problem. For his anger, ask if there is something he can take. Record the doctors conversation so you will remember what the doctor said. You cannot rationalize with a Dementiz/ALZ patient. I used to sit behind my Mom and when she said something I didn't agree with, I shook my head. The doctor would ask me my thoughts after he spoke with her.

Give a written list of your concerns to the doctor ahead of the appointment. Ask the doctor to try to bring them up in the conversation without mentioning they came from you.
And if his anger is an issue, make sure it’s on the list.