My grandmother has been in a nursing home for about 7 months. She has Alzheimer's, but not to the point where she doesn't recognize you or can't have a conversation with you. Every time we visit she asks why she's there and if she can go home. She used to live in a duplex with my family on one side. Her side is currently a mess as we try to clean and get rid of her belongings. Is it a bad idea to bring her home to my family's side of the house for Thanksgiving? I'm concerned she will be confused and want to go to her side of the house and this could cause trauma if we bring her back to the nursing home. My brother suggested that we simply tell her that her side of the house is being fumigated and she can't go there. I would love to spend Thanksgiving with my grandmother, but I just want what's best for her. Thank you in advance for any advice.
Ask the NH what sort of celebration they're planning to put on - they're bound to be doing *something* special - and whether you can participate.
The Nursing Home had their own celebration for their residents and their families a week before Thanksgiving. There was much fellowship and even a harpist. Of course Mom didn’ t enjoy their efforts either. She remarked to the Recreation Director that the food wasn’t very good and the music was too loud (Neither was true) I wanted to crawl under a table.
You know her best, but I would not bring her out if she’s easily confused. Remember, you’ll have to bring her back to the facility at some point too.
Not once did I bring Dad back to my house after my Mom had passed away. I would fear that Dad would feel lost without seeing Mom sitting in her seat at the dinner table, or on the sofa watching TV. And not once did my Dad ask to visit my home. I didn't want to disrupt his routine.
Dad had sold his house, so I didn't want to confuse him as to get to my house, we would need to drive past the house my Mom and him shared.
Please note when an elder who has memory issues says they want to "go home", usually the home they are referring to his their childhood home, not their previous residence.
I suppose it would depend on how far the AZ has progressed and if the person is prone to becoming agitated.
Have you ever taken your grandmother out of the facility? I might explore how that has gone. Some time ago, I took my LO out for an appointment, (the facility's transport was unavailable) and while she seemed fine, when we returned, she had no idea where we were. She got scared and asked why I had taken her there. I had trouble convincing her to get out of the car. I got her into her wheelchair and inside, but, she was disoriented and anxious. It took a while to get her reoriented. I had to re-introduce her to the staff and other residents, show her her room, that her things were there. It was not a good experience.
Years later, I took her out on the patio to enjoy the nice weather. When we returned to the MC unit, she was confused. I had to help orient her again. So, I'd just be aware of might happen and see if you could take the party to her. Even if it's just for a half hour. I have found that the people that I know with dementia don't tolerate long visits, noise and lots of commotion.
My problem is that I am alone and have no family support.. so it would be me taking both of them.. and praying all day they don't get really confused or refuse to go back.. or some total disaster. It just isn't worth it to me.
I miss having Thanksgivings with them and I know it won't be the same this year but I am planning to make the best of it and take them a Thanksgiving dinner to enjoy at the facility.
I'm guessing Christmas will be the same as well. I am really struggling with holidays and have been for the last couple of years. The last couple of years has been just me and my parents.. so I am alone as well over the holidays and will miss them being here. If it weren't for my parents, I would prefer to just go away and forget the holidays all together.
Perhaps a quiet visit and a 1:1 dinner in the place where she is comfortable may be more beneficial for her.
Hope this all works out for your grandmother and your family.
She still asks how long she has to stay there, and when can she come home. She has been there 11 months. So I have no idea how long it will take until she stops asking. She said her apartment just does not feel like home. She forgot that for the 4 years she lived with me she told me daily how she should have never moved here, she hated it, blah, blah. So I don't anticipate her ever really liking where she is. I think what it really means is that she wishes things were the way they were before the dementia took over.
Your grandma sounds like she's in stage 4-5 Alzheimer's-still can recognize you and carry on a conversation but is confused about everyday tasks. Given that, I would think she would remember "her" side of the house and want to go back. I think it's a bad idea to take her out of her routine. Not that I have anything against fibbing (I don't) about the fumigating but is she "with it" enough to understand?
Do you think she would resist going back once she saw your and her home?
I will agree with the others, they are creatures of habit and are usually very regimented in their routine. That is the only control they have, so to take them out of it, really causes confusion. It gets worse as the dementia advances.
My mom is 94 in beginning stage 7. She was totally confused when we brought her home to live with us after 2 years in a memory care facility. She kept asking, "Where is everybody?" She was used to eating with 14 people 3 times a day. No matter how much I explained that she lives with us now, she didn't get it. It was a horrible 3 months for all 3 of us. She seems more content to be at another facility where there are more people. She doesn't know who we are but knows us by facial recognition.
I'm not planning to take her out for the holidays because I think it will throw her for a loop. I feel pretty darned guilty not having her at our house for the holidays but I need to put HER best interests first.
You could try it once and, depending on her tolerance and behavior, you'll know if it's an option for another holiday.
Good luck and happy holidays. 🦃 🎄
Because she was in denial, she would take him out to restaurants, and after a couple of incidents she finally stopped. He pooped in his pants, and it ran all over the chair etc. I vote for going to see her.
I have seen my mom and know that she would be thinking about "going home" if I took her anywhere off site so I will make the time to be with her at memory care facility. This is our first year so maybe other families from MC facility will guide me.
Their policy is, if the patient will stay with them over Christmas. they charge $22. so they can tip their help who will be working. Fine with me!
I asked the owner if many residents were going home, she said about half of them were staying. Now I feel better about leaving her there. Of course we'll be going to see her on that day and bringing little gifts but she really is out of it and I don't want to make her more confused.
This year things are so different. I cannot handle both parents and would fear the worse getting them out on my own. The rules there are that you can bring a meal to them but it cannot be a home cooked meal.. it has to come from a restaurant.
I just ordered a meal to be picked up on thanksgiving day at cracker barrel. It won't be the same as home cooked or eating at home.. but I will make the best of it. Hopefully their thanksgiving food is decent.. I'm sure much better then the memory care anyway.
I am alone (of course no family support)..i cannot take the chance that they wont go back or some disaster will happen. I hope they dont ask me why they couldnt go away for thanksgiving like the others :(