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My grandmother has been in a nursing home for about 7 months. She has Alzheimer's, but not to the point where she doesn't recognize you or can't have a conversation with you. Every time we visit she asks why she's there and if she can go home. She used to live in a duplex with my family on one side. Her side is currently a mess as we try to clean and get rid of her belongings. Is it a bad idea to bring her home to my family's side of the house for Thanksgiving? I'm concerned she will be confused and want to go to her side of the house and this could cause trauma if we bring her back to the nursing home. My brother suggested that we simply tell her that her side of the house is being fumigated and she can't go there. I would love to spend Thanksgiving with my grandmother, but I just want what's best for her. Thank you in advance for any advice.

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I think mcp815 has left the building, it's been 8 days since the original posting with no replies from the original writer :(
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Just my personal experience. My mom wants to go home when she is in her own home. Everything in stride. God Bless
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I just got a call from the memory care. Most of the other residents are leaving with their families for Thanksgiving...my parent will not be leaving. One more thing for me to feel guilty about.

I am alone (of course no family support)..i cannot take the chance that they wont go back or some disaster will happen. I hope they dont ask me why they couldnt go away for thanksgiving like the others :(
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I have not brought my Mom to my house ever since she moved into MC (Memory Care) a year and a half ago. All celebrations are either done at her place, or we go out to celebrate. Last Thanksgiving we rode the local river boat, and they had food, live music, and we watched the sun set while going down the river. She remembers it (or says that she does.) This year I think we will go to a movie and lunch out. I'm afraid that bringing her to my house will just bring up all sorts of negative emotions that none of us need to deal with. We also attend the yearly Holiday dinner held at the MC, although they only let two family members come per resident, they just don't have room for more.
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Thank you Daffy! It is very hard to get through the holidays when things are so different. At least last year I brought them to my house and cooked a traditional meal for them.

This year things are so different. I cannot handle both parents and would fear the worse getting them out on my own. The rules there are that you can bring a meal to them but it cannot be a home cooked meal.. it has to come from a restaurant.

I just ordered a meal to be picked up on thanksgiving day at cracker barrel. It won't be the same as home cooked or eating at home.. but I will make the best of it. Hopefully their thanksgiving food is decent.. I'm sure much better then the memory care anyway.
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I just spoke with the memory care facility my mom is in and talked with them about taking her home for the holiday. I was against it but didn't want to say that right away.
Their policy is, if the patient will stay with them over Christmas. they charge $22. so they can tip their help who will be working. Fine with me!

I asked the owner if many residents were going home, she said about half of them were staying. Now I feel better about leaving her there. Of course we'll be going to see her on that day and bringing little gifts but she really is out of it and I don't want to make her more confused.
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I would ask her Doctor if he thinks a visit would be a positive thing or lead to anxiety/confusion. My Dad's nursing home did something really nice, and I'm not sure if others do as well but it can't hurt to ask. His had a Thanksgiving dinner for all of their patients and any of their family/friends who wanted to come. It was held on another night, but it allowed him to still celebrate Thanksgiving with all of us.
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I feel the same way Katiekay! The Holidays are very lonesome when you are alone. My Mom has been in a NH for almost 2yrs. She lived w/me for 14yrs. The food is terrible in that place.....I don't know how I will manage to eat there! I would like to have something to look forward to! Nothing is the way it used to be. Do the best that you can, God bless you! Daffy
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I don't suggest bringing her home for Thanksgiving because she's more inclined not to want to return to the NH.
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I'm not taking my mom out of her facility for the holidays. To her, I think everyday is new and the same. So I don't think the actual day means anything. I will go the following weekend to their holiday celebration and have dinner with her. I may bring in carry out from outback or Chinese or something she doesn't usually get to make it special. I will go two days and make each short visits at her best time like mornings.

I have seen my mom and know that she would be thinking about "going home" if I took her anywhere off site so I will make the time to be with her at memory care facility. This is our first year so maybe other families from MC facility will guide me.
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When my girlfriend's husband went into memory care, they told her not to bring him anywhere his old home. They were concerned he would be agitated.

Because she was in denial, she would take him out to restaurants, and after a couple of incidents she finally stopped. He pooped in his pants, and it ran all over the chair etc. I vote for going to see her.
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Hi mcp,
Your grandma sounds like she's in stage 4-5 Alzheimer's-still can recognize you and carry on a conversation but is confused about everyday tasks. Given that, I would think she would remember "her" side of the house and want to go back. I think it's a bad idea to take her out of her routine. Not that I have anything against fibbing (I don't) about the fumigating but is she "with it" enough to understand?
Do you think she would resist going back once she saw your and her home?

I will agree with the others, they are creatures of habit and are usually very regimented in their routine. That is the only control they have, so to take them out of it, really causes confusion. It gets worse as the dementia advances.

My mom is 94 in beginning stage 7. She was totally confused when we brought her home to live with us after 2 years in a memory care facility. She kept asking, "Where is everybody?" She was used to eating with 14 people 3 times a day. No matter how much I explained that she lives with us now, she didn't get it. It was a horrible 3 months for all 3 of us. She seems more content to be at another facility where there are more people. She doesn't know who we are but knows us by facial recognition.

I'm not planning to take her out for the holidays because I think it will throw her for a loop. I feel pretty darned guilty not having her at our house for the holidays but I need to put HER best interests first.

You could try it once and, depending on her tolerance and behavior, you'll know if it's an option for another holiday.

Good luck and happy holidays. 🦃 🎄
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One aspect that I feel is important is how big will the celebration be? While my Mom was in Memory care, I brought her home the first year for a small (6 total) dinner. She did all right but we brought her over just before dinner would be served and honestly brought her back when we saw her getting tired. It was actually before dessert (our family's favorite!) We had some quick ice cream and got her on her way. The dinner was a 12 minute ride from the facility. Lot's of factors to consider! Toileting arrangements. Noise levels. Ability to feed oneself etc. One thing I will say, it won't be any better next year! : - /
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I'm planning on having thanksgiving dinner with my mother at her ALF with my daughter. I told her that I wanted to have dinner with her there, so that I would not have to cook or clean, and then we could watch a movie, or play scrabble or make a puzzle. Some if the things that she enjoys.
She still asks how long she has to stay there, and when can she come home. She has been there 11 months. So I have no idea how long it will take until she stops asking. She said her apartment just does not feel like home. She forgot that for the 4 years she lived with me she told me daily how she should have never moved here, she hated it, blah, blah. So I don't anticipate her ever really liking where she is. I think what it really means is that she wishes things were the way they were before the dementia took over.
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Digital, Alzheimer's is a game changer in many ways. Key among them is working with the person's limits, which are ever changing. And this requires telling half truths or out right falsehoods because it is the sensible, kind way to respond. If a person doesn't remember that their spouse has passed, every time they are told of this the pain is fresh, raw and new. So yes, it is a lie to tell him or her that the spouse is away for a bit but will be by later. But how can one keep causing that horrid pain daily, just to tell the truth? As for belongings, once a person is in NH, there's very little of these things that they'll use. Our generation is downsizing, our kids are not wanting to be collectors of knicknacks - so why would they go into storage? Harsh, perhaps, but reality.
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You don't give too much on your grandmother's situation. But there is a reason she is in a nursing home. My mom is offered to go to one of my brother's home for dinner but moving her in and out of her wheelchair and the car are major efforts, and with her incontinence issues, things can become embarrassing. So it would be easier if people would come to visit her. 1 option, come for cake or pie and coffee. 2nd option, many restaurants fix Turkey and sides, have it delivered to the nursing home. Then you can enjoy the holiday together as a family. You don't know how many you have left. 3rd option have 2 celebrations, a small one there with grandma and just a few of you, a few days before or the weekend. Thanksgiving day you have your holiday with a setting for her with her picture.
Hope this all works out for your grandmother and your family.
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Last year we took Mom to a restaurant that did nothing but a Thanksgiving meal. It was my brother, wife and my family of seven. She seemed OK during the dinner. At that point she had been in an AL for 3 months. I had no problem getting her back but she was passed the going home thing. She lived with me 20 months before that and I never took her back to her house. I wouldn't in this instance either since she will be near her side of the house. I found with Mom she was ready to leave an hour after she got there. All the people was just too overwhelming. Children get too loud, etc.
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I don't know if the fumigation is really true or not since I don't know your real situation nor do I know hers. If it's true then the fumigation thing can be revealed but each and every time you visit her you're saying her place is being fumigated? This is where I raise some serious questions because at some point this can become a lie and I seriously frown heavily on liars. I'm not sure I would bring her home if you're always lying to her, I couldn't possibly even sleep at night by doing her that kind of justice. My conscience would be constantly nagging me and keeping me up at night. I think I would just leave her alone. Perhaps you should check out a website by the national association against guardianship abuse, they have a lot to say about patients rights, victims they've helped and how we can protect ourselves. She should have a right to have her stuff in storage instead of someone coming along and getting rid of everything she owns, and that's legalized theft right there. Though she may no longer be able to use the pots and pans, I'm sure there are other things she can keep in storage that she can actually use and others are knickknacks that she can have. Anytime someone goes to a nursing home I seriously frown on anyone who goes into their home and gets rid of everything when there's so much they can have if it's rotated around between their room and storage. These are my honest thoughts on this particular topic in light of what happened to so many and not just my dad. I've seen too many people being robbed of everything and now I'm an advocate for those people and I also cover certain other areas of advocacy
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Every person is different and there are no concrete answers. My husband and I live with my mother. Have been her caregivers for over 6 years now. She get's confused in her own home, wondering where she is at. Somedays she is as clear as a bell, other days not so much. She recalls all of that see her on a regular basis. She knows her own children, but can't always recall the names of grandchildren who rarely took the time to visit or call her. I took her to a 1st birthday party of her great great grandson and they also had him baptized. She kept asking why we were there, I would kindly tell her. She loves going out and being with people whom she sees on a regular basis. I would probably take the chance if I were you. You have to remember they get confused where they are. If everyone there are faces she see on a regular basis, I believe she may be ok. We will spend Thanksgiving with my brother and she enjoys the outing. She enjoys the activity of the meal and then my nephews will engage her with games of cribbage. She may not recall that she just ate, but she can still whip them at cribbage. Try to engage an activity that she always enjoyed. God Bless and good luck. You can always have plan B, like take her back if it goes south.
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Sometimes holidays full of noises, many relatives and stimulation are not great for person with dementia. It may be too much for her to handle and lead to a catastrophe reaction! What may seem like fun to you may only increase her confusion and fear.
Perhaps a quiet visit and a 1:1 dinner in the place where she is comfortable may be more beneficial for her.
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I agree - ask the NH.
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I'm struggling with Thanksgiving myself with my parents in memory care since this summer. Most of the other residents seem to have plans to leave with their families.. so I'm afraid it will be hard on my parents not to be able to go anywhere and watch lots of the others leave.

My problem is that I am alone and have no family support.. so it would be me taking both of them.. and praying all day they don't get really confused or refuse to go back.. or some total disaster. It just isn't worth it to me.

I miss having Thanksgivings with them and I know it won't be the same this year but I am planning to make the best of it and take them a Thanksgiving dinner to enjoy at the facility.

I'm guessing Christmas will be the same as well. I am really struggling with holidays and have been for the last couple of years. The last couple of years has been just me and my parents.. so I am alone as well over the holidays and will miss them being here. If it weren't for my parents, I would prefer to just go away and forget the holidays all together.
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As others have said above, it's a personal decision. People are different, but, I would be prepared for things to go south. That's based on what I have read and what I have seen with my LO.

Have you ever taken your grandmother out of the facility? I might explore how that has gone. Some time ago, I took my LO out for an appointment, (the facility's transport was unavailable) and while she seemed fine, when we returned, she had no idea where we were. She got scared and asked why I had taken her there. I had trouble convincing her to get out of the car. I got her into her wheelchair and inside, but, she was disoriented and anxious. It took a while to get her reoriented. I had to re-introduce her to the staff and other residents, show her her room, that her things were there. It was not a good experience.

Years later, I took her out on the patio to enjoy the nice weather. When we returned to the MC unit, she was confused. I had to help orient her again. So, I'd just be aware of might happen and see if you could take the party to her. Even if it's just for a half hour. I have found that the people that I know with dementia don't tolerate long visits, noise and lots of commotion.
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My husband's aunt had Alzeheimers and his cousins insisted on taking her out of the nursing home and bringing her to her sister's for the holiday. His Aunt seemed confused, and at the end got very agitated and did not want to leave her sister's home and began yelling at his cousin. This was terrible for my husband and his mom. I have heard it is so much better to visit the person with AZ in the nursing home where they have become used to the place.
I suppose it would depend on how far the AZ has progressed and if the person is prone to becoming agitated.
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We are in the same situation. Mom has been as the AL less than 2 months. I'd like to bring her here Thanksgiving and Christmas but because she lived here some, and also wants to go home I am worried she will be aggitated. She also will not commit to coming and just says that she doesn't know what her plans are. That means she hopes to be elsewhere by then, or she's hoping other family will invite her to their homes. It's so hard to know what to do. My plan is to ignore her words and pick her up because we want her here, and she enjoys the kids. The AL is having a nice dinner too and I would have just joined that had I known in advance. We brought my MIL to our home for Christmas Eve and Christmas day for 24 years and it was a blessing. She was widowed and in good health. She always enjoyed being here until the last year when she was frail, it was just too much. I am hoping to have my mom enjoy spending the Holidays here too and will give it a try.
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My dad has been in memory care for 6 months. His facility had a lovely Thanksgiving Family Night this week and my mother, sister and I had dinner with him. On Thanksgiving Day, I'm taking a "leftover" dinner of turkey sliders and potato puffs to share with him in his room during our regular visit. We've brought dad home a couple of times to visit my mother after a hospital stay. He did OK, but we don't think it's a good idea to keep doing this. His routine is extremely important to his well being.
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I also had this question. My mom’s been in AL for about four months and isn’t happy there. I’m afraid to bring her to my house for fear she wouldn’t want to leave and a scene would be made. She lived with us for about six weeks before moving and I’m afraid once she sees some of her things still here, we would have a terrible time getting her to go back. The AL home is doing a big meal and said we could join her there. That’s what we will do for Thanksgiving, but not sure what to do about Christmas.
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mcp, when my Dad was in senior living, the dining room would have all the Thanksgiving trimmings and guest were invited, the cost was reasonable for guests. And the meal was excellent :)

Not once did I bring Dad back to my house after my Mom had passed away. I would fear that Dad would feel lost without seeing Mom sitting in her seat at the dinner table, or on the sofa watching TV. And not once did my Dad ask to visit my home. I didn't want to disrupt his routine.

Dad had sold his house, so I didn't want to confuse him as to get to my house, we would need to drive past the house my Mom and him shared.

Please note when an elder who has memory issues says they want to "go home", usually the home they are referring to his their childhood home, not their previous residence.
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My mom, who also had dementia and was in a Nursing Home, went to a friend’s home for Thanksgiving when we went to visit my son out of state one year. She didn’t have a very good time. I’m sure she had no idea where she was. The friend was kind to her, but she was also busy with her family. The NH staff said my mom returned extremely disoriented and wound up in the hospital with chest pains a few days later. Nothing was found and I am sure it was stress from her afternoon out.

The Nursing Home had their own celebration for their residents and their families a week before Thanksgiving. There was much fellowship and even a harpist. Of course Mom didn’ t enjoy their efforts either. She remarked to the Recreation Director that the food wasn’t very good and the music was too loud (Neither was true) I wanted to crawl under a table.

You know her best, but I would not bring her out if she’s easily confused. Remember, you’ll have to bring her back to the facility at some point too.
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Your brother's idea would be a sound one; but rather than risk the entire day going horribly pear-shaped and ruining everyone's memories of both the holiday and of your grandmother's home wouldn't it be better if family members could visit your grandmother and spend some of the day with her at her new home?

Ask the NH what sort of celebration they're planning to put on - they're bound to be doing *something* special - and whether you can participate.
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